UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  EAClLl' 


B     000  016  852     6 


CLASSIFIED  UNDER  APPROPRIATE  SUBJECT 
HEADINGS,  WITH,  IN  MANY  CASES,  A 
REFERENCE   TO   A    TABLE    OF    AUTHORS 


^PHILADELPHIA 

GEORGE  W,  JACOBS  &  CO, 

^PUBLISHERS 


preface 


''CNGLISH  WIT  AND  HUMOR"  is  a  compilation 
■^  of  some  of  the  best  specimens  of  wit  and 
humor  contained  in  the  language,  and  the  most  brilliant 
examples  of  wit  will  be  found,  upon  examination,  to 
have  been  those  which  were  unpremeditated,  and  which 
were  the  result  of  the  contact  of  two  minds  upon 
an  unexpected  subject ;  while  the  best  specimens  of 
humor  will  be  seen  to  be  those  in  which  the  humor  is 
unconscious.  One  example  of  the  latter  came  to  the 
notice  of  the  compiler  after  the  text  of  this  booklet  was 
printed,  and  which  is  too  good  to  be  lost.  He  was 
talking  to  the  manager  of  a  large  bookselling  establish- 
ment in  London,  when  one  of  the  assistants,  who  had 
been  asked  by  a  customer  for  a  child's  book,  took  up  a 
copy  of  **  Robinson  Crusoe  "  and  said  to  the  manager, 
"  Please,  sir,  is  this  a  child's  book  ? "  The  latter  admitted 
that  this  was  hard  on  the  literary  talent  of  the  establish- 
ment.    But,  reader,  pass  in  I 

W.  H.  Howe 


Xtst  ot  1kno\cn  Morks  anO 
Hutborittes  (SiuoteD 

\Indicated  in  the  text  by  corresponding  numbers) 

I    Wit  and  Humor      .         .  (Shirley  Brooks) 

2 (Sydney  Smith) 

3  Broad  Grins  .         .         .  (Maurice  Davies) 

4 (Douglas  Jerrold) 

5 (Oliver  Goldsmith) 

6 ("Reading  Mercury") 

7  Fragments  of  Classical ->. 

Fun     .        .        .       l  (Maurice  Davies) 

8  National  Fun  .         .      ) 

9  Anecdotes  of  Dr.  Johnson  (Mrs.  Piozzi) 

10  .....  (W.  Wilberforce) 

11  Anecdotes  of  the  Clergy  .  (Jacob  Larwood) 

12 ("Chambers'  Book  of 

Days") 
13  Life  of  Pitt     .        .         .  (Earl  Stanhope) 
14 ("  Blackwood's  Maga- 
zine ") 
15  Life   of  Archbishop 

WJiateley      .         .         .  (Fitzpatrick) 

16 ("  Pall  Mall 

Gazette  ") 

17 ("The  Star") 

18  Life    and   Character  of 

John  Howe  .  (Henry  Rogers,  D.D.) 

19 (Buckle) 

4 


•ffvnovvn  XUorfts,  Btc,  QuoteD  5 

20 (VV.  H.  Howe) 

21 (Lord  Malmesbury) 

22  Life  of  Dr.  Johnson        .  (Boswell) 

23 ("The  World") 

24  Johnsoniana    .         .         .  (Murray) 

25  Ltfe  of  Douglas  ferrold  {BLA^iCHARn  Jerrold) 
26 (Dr.  Johnson) 

27  Life  of  Reynolds     .         .  (Northcote) 

28 (Theodore  Hook) 

29 .  Life  of  Col7?ian        .         .  (Peake) 

30 (Roger's  Table  Talk) 

31 (T.  Hood) 

32  Fragments   of    Classical 

Fun     ....  (Maurice  Davies) 

33 (Dl\ry  of  T.  Moore) 

36 ("Burnsley    Indepen- 
dent ") 

37 (Sydney  Smith) 

38  All  the  Year  Roxmd       ,  (Charles  Dickens) 


(Eontente 


Page 
A  Bid  at  an  Auction  159 
A  Bishop  on  Squinting  156 
A  Bishop  Surprised  .  .  51 
A  "Bull"  in  a  Pulpit  53 
A    Carefully   Trained 

Witness 106 

A  Cautious  Referee  .  .    60 
A  Chat  on  Blindness  .    74 
A   Child   proving  his 
Ability  to  use  a  Din- 
ner Knife 83 

A  Child  Thrust ....  96 
A  Child's  Definition  of 

Happiness 107 

A  Child's  Idea  of   a 

"  Sister  of  Charity  "  82 
AChurch  Living  in  the 

Nineteenth  Century  167 
A  Clever  Coachman  .  .  57 
A  Clever  Juror  ....  112 
A  Cock  that  couldn't 

Crow 169 

A  Collision— Illustrated  122 
A    Commission  Agent 

as  a  Purchaser  ...  91 
A  Conservative  "  Zoo  "  19 
A  Consistent  Preacher  48 
AConsumptive  Patient  89 
A  Convincing  Rejoin- 
der   42 

A  Cool  Reception  ...  85 
A  Curious  Account  .  .  41 
A  Cutting  Answer  .  .  114 
A  Day  after"  the  Fair"  61 
A  Dead  L<-tter    ....  113 

A  Distinction 74 

A    Distinction   and    a 

Difference 77 

A  Double  Disgrace  .   .  12-< 
A  Double-barreled  An- 
swer     50 

A  Doubtful  Apology    .     89 
"A     Fellow     Feeling 
makes  us  Wondrous 
Kind" 93 


Page 

A   Fool's    Knowledge 

and  Ignorance    ...     46 
A  Forget-Me-Not .   .   .   116 
A"  Friendly"  Attitude  138 
A    Funny   Announce- 
ment    139 

A  Gallant  Schoolboy's 

Clever  Toast    ....  207 
A  Good  Conundrum    .  108 
A  Good  "Judge"— in 
more    Senses    than 

One     173 

A  Good  Judge  of  Ser- 
mons   170 

A  Good  Move  ....  86 
A  Good  Representative  67 

A  Good  Shot 93 

A  Greater  Reform  than 

"  The  Reformation  "    32 
A  Genuine  "  Turner"     22 
A     Grim    and     Witty 
Description   of    the 
Experience  of  Some 

Wives 193 

A  Hf  avy  Charge  ...  34 
A  Highwayman   who 

Failed  in' Business    .    52 
"A  Host  in  Himself  "  is 
Sometimes     Expen- 
sive   81 

A  Humorous  "  Cabby  "  96 
A  Keen  Judge  .  .  .  192 
A  Keen  Request  ...  129 
A  Keen  Thrust  ....  155 
A  Lawyer's  Fee  ...  131 
A  Lesson    on  Passive 

Verbs 127 

A  Lesson  to  Clients  .  108 
A  Little  Girl's  Idea  of 

"Cash"     77 

"  A  Little  Knowledge 
is       a      Dangerous 

Thing" 83 

A  Little  Previous  ...  48 
A  Little  Swearing    .  ,  147 


8 


Contents 


Page 
A  Lord's    Reason  for 
Seeking  the  Lost  Ten 

Tribes 198 

A  Madman  Saved  from 
Starvation  by  a  Doc- 
tor's Wit    201 

A  Materialistic  Noble- 
man      162 

A  Methodical  Maniac    182 
A  Methodical   Organ- 

Blower 90 

A  Musical  Wedding    .  156 
A   New    "Line"    for 

Publishers 43 

A  New  Rhyme  to  an 

Old  Line 47 

A  New  Trinity  ....     45 
A  Novelty  in  Vhe  Way 

of  a  Loan 116 

A  Pennyworth  of  Figs  144 
A  "  Personal  "  Illustra- 
tion   130 

A    Pointed    Question 

and  a  Rough  Answer  182 
A    Possible   Explana- 
tion    of     Changed 

Opinions 160 

A  Prayer  which  Could 

Not  Be  Answered  .  179 
A  Pretty  Retort  ...  145 
A    Prisoner    Pleading 

for  His  Lawyer  .  .  .  214 
A  Procrastinating  Wit  162 
A    Promise     Denned, 

Sought  and  Obtained  197 
A  Proof  th  at  Adam  and 

Ere  were  English     .    51 
A  Quaker'   Impatience 
to    See   His  Visitor 

"  Again" I'^O 

A  Qualifying  Proposal  141 
A      Question      which 

Needed  No  Answer  .  192 
A  Recognized  Need  .  .  182 
A     Rejected     Lover's 

Rebuke 51 

A  Retort    Not  Under- 
stood—Perhaps .   .   .   144 
A  Sailor's  Explanation 

of  Etiquette 139 

A  School  for  Adults  .   .  204 
A  Searching  Ques- 
tion     69 

A  Second  St.  Paul— in 
Some  Things  ....    98 


Pag9 

A  Sense  of  Unworthi- 

uess 17 

A  Sense  of  Loneliness .  44 
A  Sexton  in  Trouble  .  14 
A    Skeleton    Account 

Collector 98 

A  Snob  Wittily  Snub,  ed  96 
"  A  Stranger,  and  Ye 

Took  Me  In!"    ...  158 
A  Study  in  Natural 

History 167 

A  Thorny  Subject  .  .  100 
A    Trade   Distinction, 

with  Little  Difference  141 
A  Tribute  to   Scotch 

Frugality 209 

A   Tribute  to  Scotch 

Thrift     186 

A  True  Bishop  ....  157 
A  Typical  Wooer  ...  207 
A      Well -prepared 

"Brief" 96 

A  W' ell-timed  "  Grace"  112 
A  Well-timed  Reply  .  145 
A  Wife's  Retort  ....  127 
A  Witty  Cleric  and  an 

Aged  Bridegroom  .  .  127 
A  Witty  Dean  Check- 
mated      105 

A  Wittv  Decision  ...  160 
A  Witty  Detiuition  of 

Tact 195 

A  Witty  Description  of 

a  Wedding 176 

A  Witty  Drunkard  .  .  181 
A  Wittv    Remark   on 

Posterity 88 

A  Woman's  Reason  for 
Preferring      Extem- 
pore Preaching  .   .  .  108 
"Abstract"  and  "  Con- 
crete"      67 

Accommodating     His 

Auditor 86 

Accounting     for     His 

Baldness 73 

Advantages  of  Occa- 
sionally Reading  the 
Bible  .  ...     84 

Afraid  to  Venture  .  .  146 
*'  Agricultural "  Boys  .  210 

"  All  But!"     83 

"Almost  Persuaded" 
to  "  Make  a  Chris- 
tian of  Him"  .  .  .  .  15t 


Contents 


9 


Page 

"Also"    and   "Like- 
wise " — A  "  Frieudly  " 
Exposition  ....".  142 

Amusing  Tithe  Story  .     39 

An  Accommodating 
Exciseman 109 

An  Answer  by  Return  loO 

An  Apprentice  and 
Early  Rising    ....  126 

An  Appropriate  De- 
scription     82 

An  Apt  Scripture  Quo- 
tation   148 

An  Ecclesiastical  Com- 
forter   20 

An  Eflfective  Perora- 
tion   54 

An  Englishman's  Re- 
mark on  a  Scotch- 
man's Tenacity .  .  .   155 

An  Equitable  Exchange  49 

An  Excellent  Memory, 
or  "  Remembering  to 
do  Good"     146 

An  Explicit  and  Exact 
Witness 49 

AnExposed  Intellect .  216 

An  Important  Pre- 
nuptial  Question  .  .     41 

An  Important  Question  17 

An  ImproTed  Acci- 
dental     47 

An  Insignificant  M.  P.  166 

An  Inspiring  Hearer  .  158 

An  Old  -  fashioned 
Gardener  on  Scien- 
tific Farming  ....  192 

An  Open  Question    .  .  182 

An  Opportunity  for 
Boys  of  the  Right 
Sort 194 

An  Opposing  Counsel 
Helping  to  Find  Bail  198 

An  Organ  -  grinder's 
Earnings 41 

An  Unanswerable 
Argument 146 

An  Unanswerable 
Argument  Against 
Bigamy 76 

An  Up  and  Down  Reply  143 

Ante  -  Reformation 
Days 170 

Anxious  to  Put  in  a 
Good  Word 215 


Page 

Any  Change  Must  Be 
an  Improvement  .       145 

Applied  Agnosticism  .    18 

Applying  the  Sermon  .     74 

Appropriate  Reproof 
of  One  Accustomed 
to  go  Mooning  About     W 

As  Green  as  Two 
Peas 198 

At  Home  Everywhere 
but  at  Home    ....   168 

"At  Home  on  Thurs- 
days"      120 

At  One  Time,  Wise — 
At  Another,  Other- 
wise     161 

Attending  to  Each 
Others  Faults    ...  101 

Beginning  Too  Early  141 
Bishop  Atterbury's  Pad  135 
Bishop  Law's  R'ebuke 
of    an    Indolent 

Clergyman 153 

"Blindness"  Explained  34 
Blindness  Somewhere .  94 
Boasting   of    Treasure 

before  a  Rothschild  .  141 
Boaz  and  Ruth  ....     75 
Bonner  s    Humor    re- 
specting the  Loss  of 
His  own  Head  ....  157 

Book  Sore 98 

Burning  His  Idol  ...  112 
Buuyan's    Test   for    a 
False  Prophet .   ...  147 

Calvinists  and  Tigers    60 

Capturing  a  Deserter 
Thirtv  Years  after  the 
Offence 217 

Catching  Himself  Out   36 

Certain  Death  Either 
Way 140 

"Change"  and  "  Rest"  104 

Charles  II  Floored  bv 
Stillingfleet  .....'  210 

Charles  Kean  and  His 
Critic 152 

Childish  Wit  and  Wis- 
dom      101 

Clergymen  and  Cork- 
screws      149 

Clever  contrivance  to 
Obtain  a  Warm  Seat  215 


10 


Contents 


Page 

Club  Etiquette— 
Learned  from  Obser- 
vation      183 

Coals  or  "Coke"?   .  .    89 

Cobbett  and  the  Goose  106 

Col  man's  Wit  and  Hu- 
mor        .   .  186 

"  Coming  Home  to 
Roost" 90 

"  Commentators  "  Dis- 
agreeing with  the 
Parson 143 

Consoling  His  Father  .     84 

Contents  of  a  Kitchen 
Table  Drawer ....     63 

"  Contingencies"— De- 
tined 20 

Comparisons  are"  Hid- 
eous"   124 

"  Composition  and  De- 
composition "  ....    34 

Consolation  for  an  In- 
jured Man 175 

Counting  the  Cost     .   .  177 

Curious  Coincidences .     58 

Curious  Epistle  from 
One  Quaker  to 
Another 80 

Curious  Letter  sent 
by  a  Quaker  to  His 
Watchmaker  ....  114 

Curious  Misconception 
at  a  Funeral     ....  167 

Curious  Provision  in  a 
Will 158 

Curious  Sermons  on 
"  What  a  Good  Wife 
should  be  "      ....  163 

Cut  it  Short 131 

Cutting  His  Comb  .  .  .     40 

David  and  Parnell— a 
Contrast 54 

Daylight ! 201 

"Dealing"  and  "Lead- 
ing"     167 

Dean  Sherlock's  "Rea- 
sons"   155 

Defining  a  False  Wit- 
ness   88 

Definition  of  a  Pil- 
grim     122 

Defying  and  Abusing 
the  Magistrates  ...   161 

Destructive  Criticism  .  104 


Page 
"  Didn't  He  Avant  to  go 
to  Heaven?"  ....  147 

Difference  Between  a 
"Board"  and  a 
"Bench" 209 

Dining  Late 102 

Diplomacy— or  Silence 
in  View  of  Possible 
Preferment 100 

Disraeli's  Sense  of 
"  Fitness" 22 

Division  of  Labor  in  ob- 
serving the  Church 
Calendar 183 

Division  of  Labor ;  or, 
a  Witty  Thief ....  133 

"Do  \  ou  Smoke, 
Sir?" 146 

Doctor  andPatieut,and 
vice  versa 44 

Doing  Credit  to  His 
Teacher 76 

Double  Meanings  ...    23 

Dr.  Donne  "  Undone," 
but  not  "Done  Up"  166 

Dr.  Jenner  a ' '  Respect- 
able Practitioner"       173 

Dr.  Johnson's  Advice 
on  Matrimony    .   .   .  135 

Dr.  Johnson's  Child- 
hood     126 

Dr.  Johnson  on  Ser- 
mon-Hearers ....  129 

Drawing  on  His  only 
Fund- Humor    ...  200 

Driven  from  the  Gar- 
den   128 

Driving  it  Home   ...  127 

Every    Man    to    His 

Calling 163 

Easily  Altered    ....  156 
Ecclesiastical     Learn- 
ing in  the   Time  of 

Charles  I 202 

Education 166 

Elderly  Men  not  always 

Wise 175 

Elegy  by  a  Schoolboy  .  65 
Erskine's  Humor  .  .  .  194 
Everv  Little  Helps  .  .  47 
Ex  Nihilo  Nihil  Fit  .  .  131 
E.xceptionsfrom  "  The 
Fall" 51 


Contents' 


11 


Page 
Extinguishia  ?    a 
"Spark" 92 

Faith  and  Riches    .   .     84 

"  Fast  "  Day 220 

Fearful  of  Contagion  .  165 
Filial   Solicitude   and 

Long  Life     107 

"Filing a  Bill"  ....  156 
Finding  Time  for  a  Man 

who  had  None  ...  88 
Fine  Air— but  not  Fine 

Enough 216 

Fishing  for  a  Compli- 
ment, and— Getting  it  40 
Fools   are    Best  Kept 

Apart ?5 

Forced    by  His    own 

Wit  to  Compound  .  .  53 
Fragmentary  Classical 

Fun 218 

From  the  Sublime  to 

the  Ridiculous  ...  120 
Fiilly  qualified  to  Keep 

His  Promise        ...     18 

Gallant  Wit 69 

Giving  a  Good  Account 

of  His  Stewardship  .  79 
Glad  that  His  Rent  was 

to  be  "Raised"     .   .    74 
Gladstone  as  a  Boy  ;  or, 
"  Coming    round    to 
Willie's  Opinion"     .    33 
•'  Going  bv  "  the  "  Regu- 
lator" Coach  ....  153 
Going    to    "Star"    or 

"To Starve"?  ...  180 
"Grace  before  Meat"  136 
"Graceful  Criticism"  149 
"Grandfather's  Coat"  147 
Granting  His  Request .  112 

"Half-and-Half"  .  .  68 
Hard  on  ' '  The  Bench  "  101 
Hard  on  the  Donkey  .  99 
Hardly  a  Coat  Left  .  130 
Hats  Blocked  while 
You  "Wait"    ....  172 

HatsOff 87 

Hearing  Both  Sides  .  126 
Hedidn'tKnowEverv- 

thing 143 

Henrj'  Russell's  Sing- 
ing     168 


Page 
Here    and  There, 

One 124 

His  Birthday  Party  .  .  16t 
His  Own— with  Usury  102 
"  Hogg's  Wash"  ...  18 
Holding  for  the  Rise  .  138 
Homage  to  the  Scottish 
Ritles  (By  a  Spiteful 
Competitor)  ....  115 
Hood's  Humor  in  His 

Last  Illness 166 

Hope's  Triumph  over 

Experience 50 

How  many  Command- 
ments are  there  ...     87 
How  a  Preacher  both 
Broke  and  Kept  his 

Promise 211 

How  the  Widow  De- 
ceived her  Hus- 
band's Relatives  and 

—Herself 45 

How  to  eat  Pineapple     76 
How  to  get  rid  of   a 

Nuisance 74 

Howto  Treat  the  Hands  105 
Humbug  Defined  ...   156 

"  I  cannot  bear  to  say 
Farewell  I  "  and  the 
Reason  why  ....  195 

"I  Slept,  and  O,  how 
Sweet  the  Dream  !  "  193 

"  I'd  Like  to  be  a  Par- 
son! " 208 

111 -constructed  Sen- 
tences            157 

In  Return  for  a  Brace 
of  Birds 6' 

Interesting        Conun- 
drum—for Asses  and 
:          Commercial     Trav- 
elers     I«4 

!      It  takes  Two  to  Play 

an  Organ 8-4 

Johnson  and  a  Clergy- 
man's Ignorance  .    .  175 

Johnson  and  his  Fair 
Flatterer 176 

Johnson  and  Mr.  Craw- 
ford —  An  Extin- 
guisher   171 

Johnson's  Confession 
of  Ignorance  ....  175 


12 


Contents 


Page 

Johnson's  Definition  of 
Music 215 

Johnson's  Letter  to 
the  Earl  of  Chester- 
field   178 

Johnson's  Literary- 
Irony  78 

Johnson  and  "  Fools"   179 

Johnson  on  "Derange- 
ment"     197 

Joseph  Gillott  and 
Turner 195 

Justice — Only  Delayed  123 

Kemble  and  the  Cry- 
ing Child 44 

Kingly  Courtesy  and 
Quaker  Consistency  193 

Lamb  and  Coleridge  .  110 
Lamb      and      Mince 

"Sauce" 113 

"  Lapsus  Linguae"— or 
the  Dangers  of  Imi- 
tation   150 

Lawyer     and  Clients 

Known  at  a  Glance  39 
Learning    the    Truth 

about  Himself    ...     43 
Leaving  Room   for   a 
Collection  and  a  Cor- 
rection     129 

Lengthening  his  Days  43 
Lengthening  his  Name 

by  an  Ell 78 

Less  and  Less 46 

Less  Gallant,  perhaps, 

than  Accurate  ...  91 
Letter  from  a  Father 
in  Sunderland  to  his 
Son  in  Newcastle  .  .  86 
Literary  Curiosity  .  .  64 
Local  Sympathy  ...  170 
Looking  Better  when 

Least  Seen 197 

Lord  Chesterfield  and 

the  Dirty  Dishes  .  .  144 
Lord  North's  Drollery  70 
Ludicrous  Blunders    .     66 

Magnum  Malum  .  .  134 
Maiden  Speech  in  the 

House  of  Commons  72 
Make  it  Look  as  Well 

as  Possible 98 


Page 

Making  Free  with  a 
Judge's      Character 

and  Office 77 

Making   the    Most   of 

the  Situation  ....     77 
Making   up  with   Wit 
what  he   Lacked  in 

Stature 216 

Marriage— A  Revenge  178 
Marriage  Certificates  128 
Matrimony  doth  Open 

the  Eyes  of  the  Blind  128 
Meat  or  Bones?  ...  179 
Ministerial  Exchanges  138 
Modern     Commercial 

Penalties 109 

"  Moods"  and  "  Cases  " 
from  a    Schooboy's 

Life 139 

More  Practical    than 

Patriotic 22 

More  Witty  than  Wise  128 
Mortifying  Simplicity  125 
Mr.  Spurgeon  on  Mod- 
ern Bonnets     ....     98 
My  Wife's  Diary    ...    61 

N.  B.— P.  S 92 

Nathan  and  David  .   .     93 
Native  Wit  versus  Nor- 
man Blood 215 

Necessary  Evils  ...  110 
"Never     Forget     the 

Dear  Ones" 83 

New  Thoughts  ou  an 

Old  Text 153 

"No  Effects"  withoiit 

Causes 154 

No  Escaping  the  Col- 
lection on  that  Occa- 
sion   107 

No  Inoculation  Needed  137 
No  "Manners"  to  Spare  106 
Non-Convertible  Terms  99 
"  Not  a    Seat  to  be 

Had" 22 

Not  Deaf  Enough  to  go 

to  Concerts Ill 

Not  "  Forever  ! "...  110 
Not"  Home  Rtile"  but 

"  Home  Ruin"  ...     55 
Notice  of  Non-Respon- 
sibility for  a  Wife  .  .    48 
Obeying  Orders    ...  177 
Obliging  the  Judges    .    35 


Contents 


13 


Page 

Offering  a  Premium  on 
Theft 1G5 

Once  Quite  Enough  .  .     .^o 

One  Example  in  which 
a  Translation  is  bet- 
ter than  an  Original     78 

One  for  Jehu  and  Two 
for  Himself 137 

One  New  Leaf  Quite 
Enough  for  One  Turn  100 

One  Thankful  — The 
Other  Glad Ill 

One  Way  of  Recogniz- 
ing a  Gentleman  .  .     41 

'Opeless  Helocution  .    55 

Palmerston's  Humor 

in  His  Last  Illness  166 
Patriarchal  Longevity 
Accounted  for    ...  109 

Perfection 91 

Perhaps  it  was  the 
Fault  of  the  Absent 

One 181 

Perpetual    Wits— Per- 
petual Thieves  ...      44 
Piety  which  is  not  Re- 
ligious     145 

Pinning   Him   to  the 

Literal  Meaning    .   .  175 
Piscatorial  Discussion 

at  a  Musical  Party     20 
Pitt  and  Possible  In- 
vasion      150 

Pitt's  Effort  of  Memory  50 
Playful   Thoughts   on 

Marriage 42 

"Playing  the  Fool"  107 
Plaving    the    Wrong 

Organ 164 

Poetry  and  Prose  ...     67 
Politely    Said  ;    but- 
Left    Unsaid  —  Still 

More  Polite 79 

Politeness  in  Prayer  .  177 
Political  Fireworks  .  .  90 
Political    Ophthalmia 

and  its  Cause  ....     68 
Poverty  a  Virtue  ...     73 
Preventing  the  Scape- 
grace from  Sharing 
in  the  Will   .       ...     76 
Prevention  —  in     this 
Case— the  Next  Best 
Thing  to  Cure  ....     60 


Page 

Probably  Money-hunt- 
ing   80 

Proclaiming  his  Ignor- 
ance     152 

Promotion  and  Pride  19 
Prophecy  Fulfilled  .  .  78 
Proving     his     Words 

Rather  Unexpectedly   49 
Proving  that  the  Earli- 
est   Riser   was    the 
Greatest  Loser    .   .      134 
Public  School    Equitv  101 

Puritan  Wit ".     36 

Putting  on  the  "  Fin- 

ishing.Touch "    ...     38 
Putney  Bridge  in  Olden 
Time 70 

Quaker  Wooing  ...  56 
Qualification     for     a 

Lawyer 73 

Qualification  for  Bur- 
ial    with     Military 

Honors 73 

Quid  Pro  Quo  ......  86 

Qnin  and  the  Coxcomb  72 

Quoting  the  Father  .  .  114 

Rebuking  a  Preacher 
and— Repenting  .  .     53 

Referring  him  to  a 
Good  Authority  ...  192 

Related— by  Marriage    17 

Reproving  —  Directly 
and  Indirectly    ...  180 

Result  of  being  "Not 
Under  the  Law  "  .  .  197 

Piochester's  Wit  Capped 
by  Charles  II' s  Hu- 
mor  202 

Royal  Art  Critics  ...    49 

Royal  Precedence    .   .  152 
I      Rude  Wit 197 

Sam  Deacon's  Ugly 
Carriage 143 

Saving  Him  from  His 

Rashness 140 

"Saving"  the  Dinuer  151 
Scarcity     and     High 

Prices 155 

Sr-holastic  Wit  ....  168 
"Second  Childhood"  139 
Sectarian  Repartee  .  .  139 
"  Seeing  Double  "  .  .       13* 


14 


Contents 


Page 
Seeking   Information, 

and— Finding  It  .  .  17 
"  Sermons  in  Stone  "  .174 
"Seven"  and 

"Eleven"     at     Dr. 

Kitchiner's 142 

Shaking  Hands   at    a 

Duel 153 

"  Shaving  "  the  Barber  80 
"Shaving"  Them 

Both 71 

She  Left  Nothing  Be- 
hind     3S 

Sheridan's  Ability 

Doubted  by  bis  Son  207 
Shortening    Time  by 

Distance 92 

Silencing  a  Scoffer  .  .  Ill 
Sin  and  Its  Size  ....  140 
Sink-Ave  S  cento  ....  121 
Skeleton  Humor  .  .  .  186 
Skin  and  Bone  versus 

Flesh  and  Blood    .  .  106 
Slow  and  Sure    ....     38 
"Smoking"— An   Ex- 
planation      119 

Solomon's   System    of 

Self-defence  ....  164 
Something  to  Show  his 

Friends 45 

Splendid  Debating 

Power 131 

Sticking  at  Nothing  .      115 
Stopping  a  Leaky  Gas- 
pipe        20 

Suet  or  Dripping    ...   145 

Surnames 56 

Sydney  Smith  and  "A 
Meeting     of     the 

Clergy"         153 

Sydney  Smith  and  his 

Portrait 151 

Sydnev  Smith  and  the 

Stout  Widow  ....  115 
Sydney  Smith  on  Offi- 
cial Accuracy  (Coul- 
eur  de  "  Rose")  .  208 
Sydney  Smith  on  the 
"Educationof  Wo- 
men     U9 

Sydney  Smith  on  the 
Preaching    of     tbe 

Clergy 123 

Bvdnev    Smith's     De- 
'scription  of  Curates  203 


Page 
Sydney    Smith's    De- 
scription     of      the 
Irish  Clergy    ....  206 
Sydnev  Smith's  Politi- 
cal Simile 120 

"Take  no  Thought  .  . 
wherewithal  ye 
shall    be    Clothed"   135 

Taken  "  Oflf-Duty  "     .    95 

Taking  Care  of  the 
Wrong  Key 99 

Takinf  Him  at  His 
Own  Price 126 

Taking  it  Cooly  ....    34 

Teacher  versus  Pupil    .  125 

Temperance  (and  In- 
t  e  m  p  e  r  a  n  c  e)  in 
Three  Words  ....     17 

Temptation  to  Suicide    53 

Thackeray  Broadening 
Carlyle's  Vision    .  .  194 

Thankful  for  Small 
Mercies 119 

The  Adulterator's  Al- 
phabet    190 

I      The  Archbishop   and 

the  Archdeacon    .   .  102 

The  Ass  was  *'  Mis- 
sing"   80 

The  Bishop,  the  Boy, 
and  the  Banbury 
Cake 95 

The  Cost  of  a  Wife  Ac- 
cording to  Scripture    78 

The  Dean  and  the 
Lunatic 113 

The  Domestic  Cate- 
chism   97 

The  First  Cake  after 
the  Wedding  ....  195 

The  First  Person  Singu- 
lar     40 

The  Fly  declining  the 
Spider's  Invitation  .  106 

The  "Form"  which 
gives  the  Rite  Mean- 
ing     1" 

The  Gallant  Butcher  .110 
The  Golden  Rule  ...  123 
The  Human    Side   of 

Royalty 116 

The  Infallibility  of 
every  Child's"  Papa"  94 


Contents 


15 


Page 
The     Inflexibility    of 
"Habit"— both     in 
Name    and    Nature  107 
The    Judge    and    the 

Cabmau         176 

The  King,  Lord  Ches- 
terfield,    and — the 

Devil 148 

The  Lady  and  the  Plav  150 
The  LadV  with  Holes 
in  Her  Stockings  .   .   133 

The  Letter  H 104 

The  Limit  of  Debate  .  46 
The  Moods  and  Tenses 

of  the  Money  Lender  137 
The  Mud-Fish    ....     69 
The     Only     Reason 
against  Paniell's  Re- 
tirement     54 

The  Origin  of  Evil    .   .   19y 
The  Origin  of  the  Term, 
"  The     Republic    of 

Letters" 20 

ThePaleyFamilv  Arms  152 
The  Plural  of -Ei/aZ  .  .  68 
The    Possibilities     of 

Childhood 93 

The  Powerof  Emphasis  lOi 
The  Prevailing  Sense 

of  the  House   .  .      .  173 
The   Promise   of    the 

God- Parents    ....  145 
The  Puritan  and  the 

Young  Lady's  Carls  154 
The  Quickest  Court- 
ship and  Marriage 
on  Record  .  .  .  .  171 
The  Ruling  Passion 
Strong  in  —  Disap- 
pointment   200 

The    Ship   Chaplain's 

Sermon  on  Heaven  .  170 
The  Shortest  Grace  .   .  216 
The  Size  of  Meanness  .  158 
Tne  Strength  of  Politi- 
cal Bias 103 

The    Sweep    Turning 
the   Tables    on   the 

Parson 79 

"  The  Tongue  Can  No 

Man  Tame"    ....   170 
The  Treaty  Explained  117 
"The     Verv    Worst," 
Followed  by  a  Still 
Worse 91 


Page 
The  Worst  "Ism"   in 

Christendom    ....   133 
The    Wrecked    Arch- 
bishop and  the  Elev- 
enth Commandment  180 
Theodore  Hook's  Power 

of  Improvisation   .   .  218 
Thinking  "  Nothing  of 

It"       176 

Thoughts     on     Book- 
Borrowing    .   .       .   .     21 
Thoughts  on  Marriage 
with      a      Deceased 
Wife's  Sister    ....     18 
Tight-lacing    "Good" 

for  Consumption   .   .  141 
Tom    Sheridan's    Ad- 
venture   '211 

"Too  Many  Cooks"  .  .  121 
Too  Tame  to  be  Borne  91 
Top  and  Botto-n  ...  60 
Translated  Fan  .  .  .  132 
Transposition !  ....  178 
"Trodden    Under 

Foot"     130 

True  Enough,  and 
Enough,    Though 

True 177 

Truth  and  Patience  .  .  36 
Twelve    Pennyworths 

for  One  Shilling    .   .  172 
Two    Alma    Maters- 
Result     124 

Two   Birds  with  One 

Stone 125 

Two  Boys'  "Tall"  Talk  78 
Two      Examples      of 

French  Running  .  .     81 
Two  Negatives  Imply 
an  Aflarmation   ...  103 

Unused  Possessions  .  76 

Up  and  "  Dung"  ...  108 
Using  Ilis  Wit  to  Hide 

His  l.gnorance    .  .   .  214 

Very  Small  for  Its 
Age 72 

Were  They  Both 
Insane? 82 

What  the  Sermon  was 
About 133 

What  thp  Scotch  Can- 
not Help 23 


16 


Contente 


Page 
What  the  Waits  Ought 

to  Do  on  Boxing  Day  214 
What  to  Do  with  Medi- 

cinG  73 

What's  Often  Thought] 

but   Ne'er    so  Well 

Expressed 94 

When  an  Antagonist  is 

Agreeable 60 

When   is   a  Saddle  a 

Mule? .   .     89 

When  Thirteen  is  an 

Unlucky  Number  .  .  89 
"  Where  are  We  ?  "  .  .  104 
Whistling  — A  Good 

Temperance  Agent .  184 
Why  He  Did  Not  Get 

Any  Pudding  ....  88 
Why  He  Wore  the  Blue 

Ribbon 82 

Why  He  Wouldn't  Buy 

Haydn's  Music  ...  70 
Why  the  Bailiffs  Went 

Away  Without  Their 

Prisoner 174 

Why     the    Drunkard 

Couldn't  Get  In.  .  .    36 


Page 
Why  •'  The  Spectator" 
Excelled  "The  Tat- 
tler"     198 

Why  They  Were  Out  of 

Spirits 7S 

Wilberforce's  Candor  .  135 
Willing  to  Wait  ....     46 
"  Wine  Office  Court"  .     19 
Wisdom    Which    Was 
Acquired  —  Not 
Hereditary      ....  143 
"Wit"  and  the  "Oppo- 
site"     94 

Wit  Defined  and  Ex- 
emplified   87 

Withdrawing  His  Sup- 
port from  the  Devil .     19 
"Without  Knowledge 

or  Understanding"  .  110 
Witty  Impromptu  .  .  219 
Woman's   Position  in 

the  Scale  of  Beauty  .  35 
Wordsworth's  Mind.  .  160 
Wordsworth's  Prettiest 

Production  .  .      .  .    39 
Wrecked  on  the  Coral 
Reefe 42 


A  Sense  of  Loneliness 

"All  the  world,"  said  an  old  Quaker  to  his  wife, 
"  is  queer,  except  thee  and  me — and  thee  is  a  little 
queer." 

Seeking  Information,  and — Finding  It 

Coleridge  was  acknowledged  to  be  a  bad  rider. 
One  day,  riding  through  a  street,  he  was  accosted  by 
a  would-be  wit :  "  I  say,  do  you  know  what  happened 
to  Baalam?" 

Came  the  answer  sharp  and  quick  :  "  The  same  as 
happened  to  me.     An  ass  spoke  to  him  1 " 

Related— By  Marriage 
As  my  wife  and  I,  at  the  window  one  day, 

Stood  watching  a  man  with  a  monkey, 
A  cart  came  by,  with  a  "  broth  of  a  boy," 

Who  was  driving  a  stout  little  donkey. 
To  my  wife  I  then  spoke,  by  way  of  a  joke, 

"  There's  a  relation  of  yours  in  that  carriage"; 
To  which  she  replied,  as  the  donkey  she  spied, 

"  Ah  yes,  a  relation — By  Marriage  !" 

Temperance  (and  Intemperance)  in  Three  Words 

Theodore  Hook,  when  dining  with  the  author  of  a 
work  called  "  Three  Words  to  the  Drunkard,"  was 
asked  to  review  it.  "  Oh,  my  dear  fellow,  that  I  have 
already  done  in  three  words— ^a^^  ihe  bottle.'' 

An  Important  Question 

Sydney  Smith  was  advised,  when  ill,  to  take  a 
morning  walk  upon  an  empty  stomach.  "Upon 
whose?  "  was  his  inquiry.     [3] 

2  (17) 


18  ;en0li6b  Wiit  anD  Ibumor 

Thoughts  on  Marriage  with  a  Deceased  Wife's 

Sister 

A  woman,  quarrelling  with  her  husband,  told  him 

she  believed   if  she  was  to  die  he  would   marry  the 

devil's  daughter.     "  The  law  does  not  allow  a  man  to 

marry  two  sisters,"  replied  the  tender  husband. 


May  a  man  marry  his  wife's  sister?  is  a  question 
which  can  only  be  properly  answered  by  the  sister 
herself  when  the  widower  makes  a  proposal. 

Applied  Agnosticism 
"  I  am  an  agnostic,"  remarked  a  young  man,  in  a 
proud  and  dignified  tone  of  voice.  "And  an  agnostic 
is  what?"  inquired  an  elderly  gentleman.  "An 
agnostic,"  replied  the  smart  youth,  in  a  manner  full 
of  pity  for  the  old  man's  ignorance,  "  an  agnostic  is 
a  fellow,  don't  you  know,  who  isn't  sure  of  anything." 
"I  see,"  was  the  reply;  "but  how  does  it  happen 
that  you  are  so  sure  you  are  an  agnostic  ?  " 

Fully  Qualified  to  Keep  His  Promise 

The  late  Mr.  Thorold  Rogers  used  to  relate  an 
amusing  incident  of  his  experience  during  the  1885 
elections.  Some  of  the  replies  which  he  received 
during  the  canvass  were  more  expressive  than  polite, 
and  upon  one  occasion,  in  response  to  the  stereotyped 
request,  a  voter  answered  indignantly,  "  No,  I  won't ; 

I    would   see   you    in    h first !  "      The    Professor 

received  the  outburst  in  a  very  resigned  spirit,  and 
meekly  replied,  "  Well,  my  friend,  in  case  I  do  get 
there,  I  should  say  that  j/o7c  will  be  pretty  sure  to  see 
vie."      [17] 

"Hogg's  Wash" 

Here  is  another  story  of  that  racy  humor  with 
which  the  late  Professor  Thorold  Rogers  often 
delighted  his  friends,  and  occasionally  offended  his 
opponents.  Some  few  years  ago,  before  he  lost  his  seat, 
he  took  a  great  interest  in  the  condition  of  the 
Thames,  and  did  what  he  could  to  induce  Sir  James 
McGarel  Hogg,  the  chairman  of  the  Metropolitan 
Board  of  Works  to   improve   it ;  but  his  efforts  were 


in  vain,  and  the  Professor  sought  revenge.  He  went 
down  to  the  Thames  and  filled  a  square  bottle  with 
some  water  that  was  excellent  as  a  specimen  of  the 
objectionable  qualities  of  the  river,  and  he  labeled  this 
bottle  "  Hogg's  Wash,"  and  hung  it  up  in  the  smok- 
ing-room of  the  House  of  Commons.      [i6] 

Withdrawing  His  Support  from  the  Devil 
Equally  amusing  was  Mr.  Roger's  reply  to  the 
elector  who  frankly  assured  him  that  he  would  "  vote 
for  the  devil  first."  "  Very  good,  sir,  very  good,"  said 
the  stoical  Professor ;  "  but  in  case  your  friend  does 
not  come  to  the  poll,  may  I  hope  to  be  favored  with 
your  support?"  The  retort  was  both  happy  and 
effective,  for  from  that  day  the  voter  to  whom  it  was 
addressed  was  amongst  his  most  enthusiastic  sup- 
porters.     [17] 

A  Conservative  "Zoo" 

During  the  contest  for  the  new  seat  given  to  the- 
Hornsey  division  of  Middlesex  by  the  Redistribution 
Act.  Sir  James  McGarel  Hogg  (the  late  Lord  Maghera- 
morne).  the  Conservative  candidate,  was  addressing 
a  meeting  of  the  electors.  Sir  James  in  his  rather- 
random  remarks,  made  statements  which  Mr.  E 

H ,  a  son  of  a  prominent   Liberal,   felt  bound  to 

"  question  " — and  this  more  than  once.  Being  nettled 
at  this,  Sir  James  made  a  digression  which  cost  him 
more  than  he   bargained    for.     '■  There    is    a    young 

man    here,"   said   he,    pointing   at   Mr.    H ,  "  who- 

behaves  as  if  he  thought  he  had  come  to  the  Zoologi- 
cal   Gardens."      "  Yes,   so   I   have,"    said    Mr.  H , 

"  come  to  see  the  Hogg.''      [20] 

"Wine  Office  Court" 
Douglas  Jerrold  and  a  friend  had  been  dining 
together  at  "The  Old  Cheshire  Cheese,"  in  Wine 
Office  Court,  Fleet  Street,  when,  his  friend,  having 
taken  too  much  wine,  Douglas  took  him  out  into  the 
Court  for  fresh  air.  Here,  however,  his  friend  became 
sick.  Just  at  that  moment  a  stranger  approached  and 
asked  Douglas  if  that  was  "  Wine  OflSce  Court." 
"  Xo,"  replied  Jerrold,  "  this  is  wine  of?  his  stomach."' 


20  BnsUsb  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

♦*  Contingencies  " — Defined 
Theodore  Hook  used  to  describe  contingencies  as 
"things  that  never  happen."      [28] 

An  Ecclesiastical  Comforter 

Being  the  first  Bishop  of  New  Zealand  left  England, 
Sydney  Smith,  in  taking  leave,  affected  to  impress 
upon  his  friend  the  dangers  of  his  mission  : 

''  You  will  find,"  he  said,  "  in  preaching  to  the  can- 
nibals, that  their  attention,  instead  of  being  occupied 
by  the  spirit,  will  be  concentrated  on  the  flesh;  for  I 
am  told  that  they  never  breakfast  without  a  cold  mis- 
sionary on  the  sideboard." 

In  shaking  hands  with  the  new  prelate,  as  he  was 
leaving  the  house,  Smith  added  :  "  Good-bye.  We 
shall  never  meet  again ;  but  let  us  hope  that  you 
may  thoroughly  disagree  with  the  savage  that  eats 
you."      [2] 

The  Origin  of  the  Term,  "  The  Republic  of 
Lfetters  " 

Tom  Hood  suggested  that  the  phrase,  "  republic  of 
letters,"  was  hit  upon  to  insinuate  that,  taking  the 
whole  lot  of  authors  together,  they  had  not  a  sover- 
eign amongst  them. 

Piscatorial  Discussion  at  a  Musical  Party 
Theodore  Hook  was  at  a  musical  party,  at  which  a 

young  lady  attempted  to  sing  a  very  difficult  song, 

which  she  gave  with  exaggerated  feeling  and  a  great 

many  blunders. 

"  Don't  you  adore  her  singing?"  asked  a  gushing 

old  lady,  who  sat  next  Hook  ;  "  it's  so  full  of  soul." 
"  Well,  madam,   for  my   part,"    answered   the  wit, 

"  there   seems    more   of    the   flounder   than    the  sole 

about  it."     [28] 

Stopping  a  Leaky  Gas-pipe 
Jerrold  had  a  friend  who  was  fond  of  implying  in 
his  conversation  that  he  was  very  well  connected,  and 
who  frequently  referred  to  "  my  friend,   Lord  "  this^ 


'BnQlieb  Mit  anO  Ibumoc  21 

and  "my  chum.  Lord"  ikaL  Riding  out  with 
Douglas  Jerrold  one  dav  the  conversation  turned  on 
fish. 

"Ah,"  said  the  swell,  "  d'you  know,  I  was  dining  at 

Lord 's  the  other  evening  and  I  was  very  much 

surprised  that  there  was  no  fish  on  the  table." 

"  No  need  to  be  surprised,"  said  Douglas  ;  that 
was  because  they  had  eaten  it  all  upstairs.'"      [4] 

Thoughts  on  Book-borrowing 

Those  who  have  collected  books,  and  whose  good 
nature  has  prompted  them  to  accommodate  their 
friends  with  them,  will  feel  the  sting  at  an  answer 
which  was  made  to  one  who  lamented  the  difficulty 
which  he  found  in  persuading  his  friends  to  return  the 
volumes  that  he  lent  them. 

"Sir,"  he  said,  "your  acquaintances  find,  I  sup- 
pose, that  it  is  easier  to  retain  the  books  themselves 
than  what  is  contained  in  them." 


An  English  gentleman  has  the  following  quotations 
on  a  name  plate  which  he  places  in  every  one  of  his 
books.  At  the  top  it  reads  :  "  The  wicked  borroweth 
and  payeth  not  again."  At  the  bottom  :  "  Go  ye  7'ather 
to  them  that  sell,  and  buy  for  yourselves."  The 
beauty  of  these  quotations  is  that  they  "hit"  none 
but  transgressors,  and  do  not  touch  any  who  choose 
to  keep  themselves  outside  their  scope,  by  either  buy- 
ing books  or  returning  those  they  have  borrowed. 

The  unscrupulousness  of  some  borrowers  is  no 
doubt  tacitly  referred  to  in  the  Scripture  passage : 
"  Lend,  hoping  for  nothing  in  return  "      [20] 


Sir  Walter  Scott  said  that  bad  arithmeticians  were 
often  very  good  book-keepers ;  and  it  is  the  general 
opinion  that  more  people  understand  hoo^-keeping 
than  \iOo\^-returning .  Why  there  is  less  shame  felt 
by  people  who  borrow  books  and  forget  or  neglect  to 
return  them,  than  is  felt  on  account  of  other  borrowed 
articles — for  example,  vioiiey — is  a  mystery. 


22  JCnglisb  'Mit  anD  Ibumoc 

A  Genuine  "Turner" 
Turner  the  painter  was  a  ready  wit.  Once,  at  a 
dinner,  where  several  artists,  amateurs,  and  literary- 
men  were  convened,  a  poet,  by  way  of  being  very 
facetious,  proposed  as  a  toast  the  health  of  the 
painters  and  £-/azie?-s  of  Great  Britain.  The  toast 
was  drunk,  and  Turner,  after  returning  thanks  for  it, 
proposed  the  health  of  the  British  paposlainers. 

♦'  Not  a  Seat  to  be  Had  " 

Dr.  Johnson  treated  Mrs.  Siddons.  who  called  upon 
him  in  Bolt  Court,  with  the  most  marked  politeness. 
Frank,  his  servant,  could  not  immediately  bring  her 
a  chair. 

"You  see,  madam,"  said  the  doctor,  "  wherever 
you  go,  there  isn't  a  seat  to  be  had." 

More  Practical  than  Patriotic 

A  clergyman  w^as  descanting  to  the  boys  in  a 
day  school  on  the  necessity  of  growing  up  good  and 
useful  citizens.  In  order  to  give  emphasis  to  his 
remarks  by  appealing  to  their  patriotic  feelings,  he 
pointed  to  a  large  flag  hung  up  on  the  wall  of  the 
school,  and  exclaimed,  "  Boys,  what  is  that  for?" 

A  little  urchin  who  understood  the  condition  of  the 
room  better  than  the  speaker's  rhetoric,  shouted  out, 
"To  hide  the  dirt,  sir!  " 

Disraeli's  Sense  of  "  Fitness  " 

Since  Lord  Rosslyn's  death  we  have  seen  no  allu- 
sion to  the  well-known  manner  in  w^hich  he  received 
his  appointment  as  Lord  High  Commissioner  to  the 
Church  of  Scotland.  His  services  to  his  party,  and 
his  undoubted  abilities,  made  it  impossible  to  pass 
him  over.  "  What  can  we  do  with  Rosslyn  ?  "  said 
Dizzy.  "  Make  him  Master  of  the  Buckhounds,  as  his 
father  was,"  suggested  one  of  his  colleagues.  "  No," 
said  the  Premier,  "he  swears  far  too  much  for  that; 
we  will  make  him  High  Commissioner  to  the  Church 
of  Scotland  !  "  And  an  excellent  commissioner  he 
made.      [17] 


;ensllsb  XClit  anO  Ibumor  23 

What  the  Scotch  Cannot  Help 

When  Boswell  was  introduced  to  Johnson  in  Mr. 
Davies'  back  parlor,  recollecting  the  strong  prejudice 
of  the  great  man  towards  the  Scotch,  he  begged  his 
host  not  to  tell  where  he  came  from.  This  at  once 
put  it  into  Davies"  head  to  introduce  him  as  "from 
Scotland." 

Boswell,  fearful  of  the  effect  this  might  have, 
exclaimed,  "  Mr.  Johnson,  I  do  indeed  come  from  Scot- 
land, but  I  cannot  help  it." 

He  received  the  crushing  answer  :  "  That,  sir,  I 
find,  is  what  a  very  great  many  of  your  countrymen 
cannot  help."     [26] 

Double  Meanings 
A  young  man  from  the  country  lately  volunteered 
his  services  to  escort  a  young  lady  home  from  a  party. 
On  his  way  he  cudgelled  his  brains  for  some  interest- 
ing topic  of  conversation  to  amuse  her  with,  but  in 
vain  ;  he  could  hit  upon  nothing  until  they  met  several 
cows,  when  the  swain  said,  with  much  simplicity  of 
manner,  "  Now,  isn't  it  strange,  what  a  motherly 
appearance  a  cow  has  ?  "  To  which  the  lady  replied, 
"  I  do  not  think  it  strange,  sir,  that  a  cow  should  have 
a  motherly  appearance— 10  a  calf."  The  beau  was 
silent  during  the  rest  of  the  walk. 


A  gentleman,  who  went  to  take  a  lodging,  asked 
the  maid-servant,  a  remarkably  handsome  girl, whether 
she  was  to  be  let  with  the  lodging.  She  answered, 
"  No,  she  was  to  be  let  alone y 


Dr.  A ,  physician  at  Newcastle,  being  summoned 

to  a  vestry  in  order  to  reprimand  the  sexton  for 
drunkenness,  he  dwelt  so  long  on  the  sexton's  miscon- 
duct, as  to  raise  his  indignation  so  far  as  to  draw  from 
him  this  expression  :  "  Sir,  I  was  in  hopes  you  would 
have  treated  my  failings  with  more  gentleness,  or  that 
vou  would  have  been  the  last  man  alive  to  appear 
against  me,  as  /  have  covered  so  majiy  blunders  of 
jours." 


24  lEnglisb  Mft  atiD  Ibumor 

Double  MKA^i:!iGS—conii?med. 
Pope,  who  was  small  and  deformed,  sneering  at  the 
ignorance  of  a  young  man,  asked  if  he  knew  what  an 
interrogation  was.     "  Yes,  sir,"  said  he,  "  'tis  a  little 
crooked  thing  that  asks  questions." 


,  A  fellow  set  out  a  sign  pretending  to  cure  agues, 
which  he  spelled  egoes.  Some  one  said  to  Swift, 
"  How  does  that  fellow  profess  to  cure  agues?  "  He 
replied,  "  I  don't  know,  but  I  am  sure  it  is  not  by 
spell." 


Dunning,  the  celebrated  barrister,  was  addicted  to 
the  low  and  unpardonable  vice  of  turning  witnesses 
into  ridicule  at  their  examinations.  One  morning  he 
was  telling  Mr.  Solicitor-General  Lee  that  he  had 
bought  a  few  j^ood  7>tanors  in  Devonshire,  near  his 
native  village  of  Ashburton. 

"I  wish,"  said  Lee,  "you  would  bring  some  of 
them  into  Westminster  Hall ;  for,  upon  my  honor, 
you  have  most  need  of  them  there." 


Campbell  Forster  was  once  addressing  a  jury,  and 
was  much  annoyed  by  Digby  Seymour's  carrying  on 
a  conversation  the  while.  Presently  he  lost  patience, 
and  in  his  best  brogue  said,  "  Pray,  Mr.  Say  more,  be 
quiet."  "  My  name  is  not  Saymore,  but  Seymour," 
corrected  Digby  ;  whereupon  Forster  angrily  re>oined, 
"  Then,  sir,  see  more  and  say  less." 


A  young  lady  at  school,  engaged  in  the  study  of 
grammar,  was  asked  if  "kiss"  was  a  common  or 
proper  noun.  After  some  hesitation  she  replied,  "  It 
is  both  common  and  proper,  according  to  circum- 
stances." 


A  poor  man  being  laughed  at  for  wearing  a  short 
cloak,  said,  "  k  will  be  long  enough  before  I  have  done 
with  it." 


Bngllsb  "UHit  atiD  Ibumor  25 

Double  'SlKAy:iy:GS— continued. 

One  day  when  a  celebrated  barrister  was  on  his 
way  to  Westminster  Hall  with  his  large  bag  full  of 
briefs,  he  was  impudenth*  accosted  by  a  boy,  who 
asked  him  if  he  was  a  dealer  in  old  clothes. 

"No,"  replied  the  barrister,  "  these  are  all  new 
stidis." 


"  Doctor,"  said  a  friend,  stopping  him  in  the  street, 
what  do  you  take  for  a  heavy  cold  ?  " 
"A  fee,"  replied  the  doctor,  softly,  and  passed  on. 


A  canon  of  Windsor  enjoying  a  stroll, 

One  day  when  the  evening  was  fine, 
Met  one  of  his  vicars,  a  right  jolly  soul, 

Now  rather  elated  with  wine. 
"Ah,  sir,"  said  the  latter,  a  little  dismayed, 

"  To  see  me  you  wonder,  no  doubt ; 
I've  stayed  over  long  with  my  friend,  I'm  afraid. 

Indeed,  we've  been  spinning  it  out." 
"  From  your  manner  of  walking,  your  tale  I  don't 
doubt, 

Though  'tis  wrong  in  these  follies  to  roam  ; 
I  see,"  he  replied,  "  you've  been  spinning  it  out, 

And  now  you  are  reeling  it  home." 


A  deacon  once  formed  his  Sunday-school  into  line, 
and  marched  them  along  the  aisles — himself  in  front — 
singing  :  "  Hold  the  Fort."  The  consternation  which 
seized  all  parties  at  the  second  stanza — 

"  See  the  mighty  host  advancing, 
Satan  leading  on — " 

can    be    better    imagined  than  described.      Deacon 
B has  objected  to  new  methods  ever  since. 


At  a  dinner-party  not  long  since,  an  eminent  Bishop 
was  heard  to  read  the  following  letter  from  his  house- 


26  :iBn0li3b  luatt  auD  Ibumot 

Double  MKk^i'tiGS—coniimied 
keepe-r,  with  a  perfectly  unmoved  countenance  :  "  My 
lord,  the  emu   has  laid   an   egg ;  in   your  lordship's 
absence,  I  have  put  it  under  the  biggest  goose." 


A  sponger  was  reproached  one  day  for  dining  so 
often  among  his  friends. 

"  What  would  you  have  me  do  ?"  answered  he  ;  "I 
am  pressed  to  do  it." 

"True,"  answered  Monk  Lewis,  "there  is  nothing 
more  pressing  than  hunger." 


"Your  horse  has  a  tremendous  long  bit,"  said  a 
friend  to  Theodore  Hook. 

"  Yes,"  said  he  ;  "  it  is  a  bit  too  long." 


"  My  friends,"  said  a  builder,  whose  health  had 
been  drunk  at  a  dinner  in  celebration  of  the  comple- 
tion of  a  public  hall  which  he  had  constructed — "  My 
friends,  I  would  gladly  express  my  feelings  did  I  not 
feel  that  I  am  better  fitted  for  the  scaffold  than  for 
public  speaking." 


"  Did  you  present  your  account  to  the  defendant?** 
inquired  a  lawyer  of  a  client. 
"  I  did,  your  honor." 
"  And  what  did  he  say  ?  " 
"  He  told  me  to  go  to  the  devil." 
"  And  what  did  you  do  then  ?  " 
"  Why  then— I  came  to  you." 


"  I  cannot  imagine,"  said  Lord  Aberdeen,  "  why  the 
war-party  in  France  are  always  putting  out  their 
tongues  at  us."  "  It  is  very  easily  explained," 
replied  Lord  Brougham;  "  it  is  because  they  want  to 
lick  us." 


The  celebrated  Dr.   South,  the  witty  chaplain  of 
King  Charles  H,  one  day  called  on  his  old  friend  and 


JEmUeb  Wiit  anD  Ibumor  27 

Double  yiKASisGS—con/inued. 
fellow-collegian,   Dr.  Waterford,  who  pressed  him  to 

sta}'  to  dinner.     Mrs.   \V ,   however,  thought  her 

arrangements  disturbed,  and  refused  to  make  any 
addition  to  the  leg  of  mutton  already  provided,  say- 
ing, "  She  would  not  be  put  out  of  her  way — that  she 
would  not";  the  husband,  provoked  beyond  all 
patience,  declared  that,  if  it  were  not  for  the  stranger 
in  the  house,  he  would  thrash  her.  Dr.  South,  who 
heard  all  this  through  a  thin  partition,  hallooed  out. 
"  Dear  doctor  !  as  we  have  been  friends  so  long,  I 
beseech  you  not  to  make  a  stranger  of  me  on  this 
occasion."      [ii] 


He  was  a  great  bore,  and  was  talking  to  a  crowd 
about  the  local  coming  election.  He  said,  "Jones  is 
a  good  man  ;  he  is  capable,  honest,  fearless  and  con- 
scientious. He  will  make  the  very  kind  of  officer  we 
need.      He  once  saved  m\'  life  from  drowning." 

"  Do  you  really  want  to  see  Jones  elected?  "  said  a 
solemn-faced  old  man. 

"  I  do,  indeed.  I'd  do  anything  to  see  him  elected," 
said  the  bore. 

"  Then  never  let  anybody  know  he  saved  your  life," 
counselled  the  solemn-faced  man. 


Lord  Bridport,  when  he  commanded  the  Channel 
Fleet,  was  called  the  "  whiting  catcher,"  from  his 
being  so  often  in  port.  At  a  dinner  given  by  the 
Mayor  of  Plymouth,  he  said  : 

"  Captain  Trowbridge,  I  suppose  you  have  no 
objection  to  fill  a  bumper  to  the  health  of  our 
commander-in-chief?  " 

"  Not  any,"  replied  the  captain  ;  "  but  hand  me  the 
claret,  for  I  am  quite  tired  of  drinking  him  in  port ^ 


"  A  schoolmaster  inquired  of  one  of  his  pupils  on  a 
cold  day  in  winter  what  was  the  Latin  word  for  "  cold." 

"  I  can't  remember  it  at  the  moment,"  said  the  boy, 
"but  I  have  it  at  my  fingers'  ends." 


28  Bnglfsb  'Mit  anD  Ibumor 

Double  Meanings— cow/iwz^^rf. 

"  What  if  I  were  one  of  those  husbands,  my  dear, 
who  get  up  cross  in  the  morning  and  bang  things 
about,  and  kick  like  everything,  just  because  the 
coffee  is  cold?  " 

"John,"  responded  his  wife,  "  I  would  make  it  hot 
for  you." 

As  her  words  admitted  of  more  than  one  interpreta- 
tion, John  said  nothing  more  about  the  coffee. 


An  editor,  in  reply  to  a  young  writer  who  wished  to 
know  which  magazine  would  give  him  the  highest 
position  quickest,  advised  "A  powder  magazine, 
especially  if  you  contribute  a  fiery  article." 


A  new  story  was  called  "  The  Editor's  Purse."   We 
have  seen  it.     There  is  nothing  in  it. 


Lecturer's  Wife:  "Well,  John,  back  from  your 
lecture  trip  at  last  ?  Did  you  carry  your  audiences 
with  you?  " 

Lecturer :  "  No  ;  but  I  could  have  done  so.  They 
were  small  enough." 


The  Duke  of  Wellington,  in  a  debate  in  the  House 
of  Commons,  stated  that  two  Irish  clergymen  had 
been  murdered.     A  noble  lord  exclaimed  : 

"  No,  no  ;  one  !  " 

Whereupon  the  Duke  rejoined  :  "  If  I  am  mistaken, 
I  am  sorry  for  it." 


A  printer  observing  two  bailiffs  pursuing  an  ingen- 
ious but  distressed  author,  remarked,  "  that  it  was  a 
new  edition  of  '  The  Pursuits  of  Literature,'  unbound, 
but  hot-Pressedy 


Bnglisb  IDait  anD  Ibumoc  29 

Double  yiEASiSGS— con finued. 
In  the  newspaper  account  of  an   inquest   held  on 
the  body  of  a  glutton,  who  died  by  devouring  part  of 
a    goose,    the    verdict    suffocation    was    misprinted 
sttiffocation. 


On  one  occasion  a  large  and  well-known  firm  in  St. 
Paul's  churchyard  sent  a  set  of  circulars  to  be  printed, 
announcing  a  sale  of  goods  in  their  various  departments 
at  an  early  date.  One  of  the  circulars  ran  thus  :  "  On 
Monday,  the  25th  inst.,  we  shall  offer,  at  wonderfully 
low  prices,  the  remains  of  a  city  merchant."  The 
printer's  reader,  when  he  sent  out  the  proof,  put  this 
query  in  the  margin  :  "  Hadn't  you  better  bury 
them?"     [20] 


Dr.  Byles  was  once  arrested,  and  subsequently 
tried,  convicted  and  sentenced  to  confinement  on 
board  a  guardship.  This  sentence  was  changed  to 
confinement  in  his  own  house.  A  guard  was  placed 
over  him.  After  a  time  the  sentinel  was  removed, 
afterwards  replaced,  and  again  removed,  when  the 
doctor  exclaimed  that  he  had  been  guarded,  regarded 
and  disregarded.      [11] 


After  a  consultation  a  lawyer  and  his  client  emerged 
from  the  office  of  the  former.  "  Do  you  alwaj-s  lock 
your  office  when  you  go  out  ?  "  asked  the  client. 

"Yes,  of  course,"  answered  the  lawyer;  "I  don't 
want  any  rascal  to  get  into  my  office  before  I  return." 


At  an  election  for  the  town  of  Bedford,  Mr.  Whit- 
bread  and  Howard,  the  philanthropist,  were  opposed 
by  Sir  William  Wake  and  a  Mr.  Sparrow.  A  clergy- 
man of  the  Established  Church,  a  warm  supporter  of 
the  patriotic  candidates,  one  Sunday  morning  during 
the  heat  of  the  election,  took  for  his  text  that  passage 
from  St.  Matthew's  Gospel,  in  which  the  question  is 
proposed  by  our  Lord  to  his  disciples  :  '•'  Are  not  two 


30  jEnglisb  "wait  anD  Ibuinor 

Double  Meanings— <:o;2//;zz<:<?(/. 
sparrows  sold  for  a  farthing?  "     Whence  this  encour- 
agement  to   their   perseverance    and    their    fate    is 
deduced  :    "  Fear  ye  not,   therefore,   ye  are  of  more 
value  than  many  sparrows."      [ii] 


The  late  Sir  Robert  Peel  was  strongly  impressed 
v/ith  Hook's  conversational  powers  and  the  genuine 
readiness  of  his  wit ;  in  illustration  of  this,  he  used  to 
relate,  among  others,  the  following  anecdote  .  One 
morning,  at  Drayton  Manor,  where  Hook  was  staj'ing 
as  a  guest,  some  one  after  breakfast  happened  to  read 
out  from  the  newspaper  a  paragrapli,  in  which  a  well- 
known  coroner  was  charged  with  having  had  a  corpse 
unnecessarily  disinterred.  The  ladies  were  very 
severe  in  condemnation  of  such  unfeeling  conduct ; 
a  gallant  captain,  however,  who  was  present,  took  up 
the  cudgels  in  behalf  of  the  accused,  maintaining 
that  he  was  a  very  kind-hearted  man,  and  incapable 
of  doing  anything  without  strong  reasons,  calculated 
to  annoy  the  friends  of  the  deceased.  The  contest 
waxed  warm. 

"  Come,"  said   Captain  ,  at  length  turning  to 

Hook,  who  was  poring  over  the  Times  in  a  corner  of 
the  room,  and  who  had  taken  no  part  in  the  discus- 
sion, "  you  know  W — -  ;  what  do  you  think  of  him? 
Is  he  not  a  good-tempered,  good-natured  fellow  ?  " 

"  Indeed  he  is,"  replied  Hook,  laying  aside  his 
paper;  "  I  should  say  he  was  the  very  man  to  give 
a  body  a  lift.''      [28] 


Daniel  Purcell,  who  was  a  non-juror,  was  telling  a 
friend  that  when  King  George  the  First  landed  at 
Greenwich,  he  had  a  full  view  of  him. 

"  Then,"  said  his  friend,  "  you  know  him  by  sight." 
"  Yes,"  replied  Daniel,  "  I  think  I  know  him,  but  I 
can't  swear  to  hi>n." 


Douglas  Jerrold  never  learned  to  talk  with  com- 
mon patience  of  the  translator's  office ;  and  he 
regarded  the  adaptor  as  somebody  who  managed  to 


Snfllisb  Wit  anD  Dumoc  81 

Double  Meanings — continued 
cozen  a  reputation  for  originality  from  the  foreigner. 
Discussing  one  day  with  Mr.  Planche  this  vexed  ques- 
tion, this  gentleman  insisted  upon  claiming  some  of 
his  characters  as  strictly  original  creations. 

•'  Do  you  remember  my  baroness  in  Ask  no  Ques- 
tions f  said  Mr.  Planche. 

"  Yes.  Indeed,  I  don't  think  I  ever  saw  a  piece  of 
yours  without  being  struck  by  your  barrenness,"  w'as 
the  retort. 

This  closed  the  discussion  with  a  hearty  laugh.    [25] 


A  celebrated  punster  was  once  asked  to  make  an 
extemporaneous  pun.  "Upon  what  subject?" 
inquired  the  punster,  "  Upon  the  King,"  said  one  of 
the  company,  '-'Oh,"  said  the  wit,  "the  King  is  no 
subject." 


A  friend — let  us  sa}-  Barlow — was  describing  to  my 
father  the  story  of  his  courtship  and  marriage — how 
his  wife  had  been  brought  up  in  a  convent,  and  was 
on  the  point  of  taking  the  veil  when  his  presence 
burst  upon  her  enraptured  sight.  My  father  listened 
to  the  end  of  the  story,  and  by  way  of  comment  said, 
"  Ah !  she  evidently  thought  Barlow  better  than 
nun."      [25] 


We  have  heard  of  a  minister  who,  when  the  anthem 
had  concluded,  rose  and  commenced  reading  Acts  xx  ' 
"  And  after  the  uproar  was  ceased."  That  is  a  btory 
on  the  side  of  the  pulpit.  We  are  favored  with  the 
following  on  the  side  of  the  choir.  The  minister 
finished  his  discourse  and  sat  down,  and  the  choir 
rose  and  sang,  "  It  is  time  to  awake  from  sleep." 


In  the  reign  of  George  II,  the  See  of  York  falling 
vacant,  and  his  Majesty  being  at  a  loss  for  a  fit  person 
to  appoint  to  the  exalted  office,  asked  the  opinion  of 
the  Rev,  Dr.  Mountain,  who  had  raised  himself,  by 
his  remarkably  facetious  temper,  from  being  the  son 


32  lEnallsb  TKUit  anD  Ibumor 

Double  'MKAy:isGS—conlinued 
of  a  beggar  to  the  See  of  Durham.  The  doctor  wittily 
replied,  "  Hadst  thou  faith  as  a  grain  of  mustard-seed, 
thou  wouldst  say  to  this  Mountain  "  (at  the  same  time 
laying  his  hand  on  his  breast),  "  '  Be  removed,  and  be 
cast  into  the  sea  (see).'  "  The  king  laughed  heartily, 
and  forthwith  conferred  the  preferment  on  the  facetious 
doctor,      [ii] 


A  parish  minister  once  took  occasion,  in  the  pulpit, 
to  describe  the  devotional  and  solemn  effect  of  the 
organ  in  public  worship,  and  to  solicit  a  contribution 
from  the  congregation  to  procure  one.  On  coming 
out  of  church  a  gentleman  observed  to  a  friend,  "  I 
will  give  nothing  towards  the  organ.  I  mean  to  pre- 
sent the  table  of  commandments." 

"  I  advise  you,"  replied  the  friend,  "  lo  keep  the 
comma7idments,  and  give  something  else  to  the 
church." 


The  Bishop  of  Oxford  having  sent  round  to  the 
churchwardens  in  his  diocese  a  circular  of  inquiries, 
among  which  was,  "  Does  your  officiating  clergyman 
preach  the  gospel,  and  is  his  conversation  and  car- 
riage consistent  therewith?"  the  churchwarden  of 
Wallingford  replied  :  "He  preaches  the  gospel,  but 
does  not  keep  a  carriage."      [ii] 

An  Appropriate  Description 
Theodore  Hook  said  to  some  man  with  whom  a 
bibliopolist  dined  the  other  day,  and  got  extremely 
drunk,   "Why,   you  appear  to  me  to   have  emptied 
your  wine-c^\2iX  into  your  doo^-seller."      [33] 

A  Greater  Reform  than  "  The  Reformation  " 
Judge  Burnet,  son  of  the  famous  Bishop  of  Salis- 
bury, when  young  is  said  to  have  been  of  a  wild  and 
dissipated  turn.  Being  one  day  found  by  his  father 
in  a  very  serious  humor,  "What  is  the  matter  with 
you,  Tom?"  says  the  Bishop;  "what  are  you  rumi- 
nating on  ?  " 


Bnsliab  TlXflit  anO  Dumor  33 

"  A  greater  work  than  your  lordship's  "  History  of 
the  Reformation,"  answered  the  son. 

"  Ay  !  what  is  that  ?  "  asked  the  father. 

"  The  reformation  of  myself,  my  lord,"  replied  the 
son. 

Gladstone  as  a  Boy — or,  •'  Coming  Round 
to  Willie's  Opinion  " 

John  Gladstone,  the  father  of  the  late  ex-premier  of 
Great  Britain,  trained  his  children  to  give  a  reason  for 
every  opinion  they  offered.  It  was  in  this  way  that 
William  E.  Gladstone  was  early  trained  to  debate. 

On  one  occasion,  William  and  his  sister  Mary  dis- 
puted as  to  where  a  certain  picture  ought  to  be  hung. 
An  old  Scotch  servant  came  in  with  a  ladder,  and 
stood  irresolute  while  the  argument  progressed,  but  as 
Miss  Mary  would  not  yield,  William  gallantly  ceased 
from  speech,  though  unconvinced  of  course.  The 
servant  then  hung  up  the  picture  where  the  young 
lady  ordered,  but  when  he  had  done  this  he  crossed 
the  room  and  hammered  a  nail  into  the  opposite  wall. 
He  was  asked  why  he  did  this. 

"  Aweel,  miss,  that  will  do  to  hang  the  picture  on 
when  ye'll  have  come  round  to  Master  Willie's 
opeenion." 

The  family  generally  did  come  round  to  Willie's 
opinion,  for  the  resources  of  his  tongue-fencing  were 
wonderful,  and  his  father,  who  admired  a  clever  feint 
as  much  as  a  straight  thrust,  never  failed  to  encour- 
age him  by  saying,  "  Hear,  hear  !  Well  said  !  Well 
put,  Willie  !  "  if  the  young  debater  bore  himself  well 
in  the  encounter. 

"  Never  Forget  the  Dear  Ones  " 

Never  forget  the  dear  ones, 

Buy  always  of  the  cheap  ; 
If  you've  a  numerous  family 

Which  you're  obliged  to  keep. 
No,  don't  forget  the  dear  ones, 

"When  you  a-shopping  go  ; 
Or  you  will  soon  discover 

Your  purse  is  getting  low.      [i] 


34  jenQlisb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

"  Blindness  "    Explained 

This  is  another  anecdote  told  of  the  late  Rev.  Rob- 
ert Hall.  When  discussing  one  day  the  necessity  of 
church  reform,  with  a  clergyman,  who,  after  being 
educated  by  the  Dissenters,  obtained  a  conviction  of 
the  purity  of  the  established  Church,  and  a  lucrative 
living  within  her  pale  at  the  same  time,  Mr.  Hall 
illustrated  this  kind  of  logical  process  in  a  way  unsur- 
passed in  the  history  of  sarcasm.  This  gentleman's 
constant  refuge,  when  hard  driven  by  the  arguments 
of  Mr.  Hall,  was,  "  I  can't  see  it," — "  I  don't  see  it," 
— "  I  can't  see  that  at  all."  At  last  Mr.  Hall  took  a 
letter  from  his  pocket,  and  wrote  on  the  back  of  it 
with  his  pencil  in  small  letters  the  word  "  God." 
"Do  you  see  that?" — "Yes."  He  then  covered  it 
with  a  piece  of  gold.  "  Do  you  see  it  now  ?  " — "  No." 
— "  I  must  wish  you  good  morning,  sir,"  said  Hall  ; 
and  left  him  to  his  meditations,      [ii] 

A  Heavy  Charge 

An  able  and  learned  judge  is  said  to  have  been  once 
obliged  to  deliver  the  following  charge  to  a  jury  ; — 
"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury  ;  in  this  case  the  counsel  on 
both  sides  are  unintelligible  ;  the  v.Mtnesses  are 
incredible  ;  and  both  the  plaintiff  and  defendant  are 
such  bad  characters,  that  to  me  it  is  indifferent  which 
way  you  give  your  verdict." 

"  Composition  and  Decomposition  " 

One  of  Bishop  Bloomfield's  best  bons  mots  was 
uttered  during  his  last  illness. 

He  inquired  what  had  been  the  subject  of  his  two 
archdeacons'  charges,  and  was  told  that  one  was  "  On 
the  Art  of  Making  Sermons,"  and  the  other  "On 
Churchyards."  "  Oh,  I  see,"  said  the  Bishop — 
"  Composition  and  decomposition." 

Taking  it   Coolly 

A  man  having  published  another  as  a  liar,  a  scoun- 
drel,  and  a  poltroun,  the  latter  complains  that  he 
does  not  spell  poltroon  correctly. 


JEnflUeb  unit  an&  Ibumor  35 

"  Seeing  Double  " 

When  Black-eyed  Susan  was  in  rehearsal  at  the 
Surrey  Theatre,  an  important  person — in  his  own 
estimation — strutted  upon  the  stage,  and,  speaking  of 
Elliston,  the  bacchanalian  manager,  exclaimed  in  an 
angry  voice — 

"  How  is  this  ?  I  can  see  a  duke  or  a  prime  minis- 
ter any  time  in  the  morning,  but  I  can  never  see  Mr. 
Elliston." 

''  There's  one  comfort,"  Douglas  Jerrold  replied, 
"  if  Elliston  is  invisible  in  the  morning,  he'll  do  the 
handsome  thing  any  afternoon  by  seeing  you  twice,  for 
at  that  time  of  day  he  invariably  sees  double."       [25] 

Woman's  Position  in  the  Scale  of  Beauty 

In  the  year  1880,  happening  to  be  in  Birmingham 
during  the  period  covered  by  the  General  Election  of 
that  year,  I  called  on  a  jeweller  in  New  Street,  to 
show  him  some  beautiful  engravings.  While  in  the 
act.  Dr.  ,  a  leading  Tory,  drove  up   and   entered. 

The  jeweller  said   to  me,  "  Here   comes  Dr.  ;  I 

will  introduce  you  to  him,  and  he  will  be  pleased  to 
see  5'our  engravings."  Accordingly  he  did  so,  say- 
ing :  "■  You  are  fond  of  beautiful  things,  doctor  ;  just 
look  here." 

"  Oh,  yes,  Mr.  D ,"  said  the  doctor  (who  was  a 

bachelor),   looking   at   Mrs.  D ,  who  Avas   present. 

"  Yes,  I'm  fond  of  everything  beautiful,  from  a  lady 
upwards." 

"Pardon  me,  doctor,"  said  I,  advancing;  "I  am 
sure  you  meant  to  say,  '  From  a  lady  downwards.'  " 

"You  are  quite  right,"  said  the  doctor,  laughing 
heartily  ;  "  of  course  I  meant  to  say  that.  And  now, 
will  you  kindly  exchange  cards  with  me  ?  "  This  was 
done,  and  we  shook  hands  and  parted.      [20] 

Obliging  the  Judges 

A  barrister  was  met  by  a  friend  the  other  day  in  the 
street,  laden  with  a  lot  of  law  books.  Pointing  at  the 
books,  his  friend  said,  "Why,  I  thought  you  carried 
all  that  stuff  in  j-our  head  !   '    "I  do,"  quickly  replied 


86  JEtiGlfsb  mix  aiO  TDumoc 

the  lawyer,  with  a  knowing  wink  ;   "  /hese  are  for  the 
judges  y 

Catching  Himself  Out 

A  good  story  is  told  of  an  ostler,  who  was  sent  to 
the  stable  to  bring  forth  a  traveler's  horse.  Not 
knowing  which  of  the  two  strange  horses  in  the  stall 
belonged  to  the  traveler,  and  wishing  to  avoid  the 
appearance  of  ignorance  in  his  business,  he  saddled 
both  animals  and  brought  them  to  the  door. 

The  traveler  pointed  out  his  own  horse,  saying, 
"  That's  my  nag." 

"Certainly,  your  honor,  I  know  that  very  well; 
but  I  didn't  know  which  was  the  other  gentleman's." 

Truth  and  Patience 
Douglas  Jerrold's  mot  about  truth,  was  that  "  In 
this  world  truth  can  wait ;  she's  used  to  it." 

Why  the  Drunkard  Couldn't  Get  In 
The  exquisite  confusion  of  Douglas  Jerrold's  tipsy 
gentleman,  who,  after  scraping  the  door  for  an  hour 
with  his  latch-key,  leans  back  and  exclaims :  "By 
Jove  !  some  scoundrel  has  stolen — stolen — the  key- 
hole !  "  comes  as  near  farce  as  any  of  his  illustrations. 

Accommodating  His  Auditor 
On  one  saying  to  another,  '•  You  speak  foolishly," 
the  latter  answered,  "  It  is  that  you  may  understand 
me." 

Puritan  Wit 
While  the  Bill  against  Occasional  Conformity  was 
still  under  discussion,  the  following  characteristic 
incident  occurred.  As  John  Howe  (some  time  chap- 
lain to  Oliver  Cromwell)  was  one  day  walking  in 
St.  James'  Park,  a  noble  lord,  to  whom  he  was  well 
known,  sent  his  footman  to  say  that  he  desired  to 
speak  with  him.  He  then  entered  into  conversation 
about  the  obnoxious  "  Bill,"  which  he  assured  Howe 
"  he  had  opposed  to  the  utmost."  Gradually  getting 
warm  upon  the  subject,  he  so  far  forgot  his  company 
as  to  say,  "  Damn  those  wretches  !  for  they  are  mad, 


Bnglfsb  Wiit  atiD  Ibumor  37 

and  will  bring  us  all  into  confusion."  Howe  calmly 
replied,  "  My  lord,  'tis  a  great  satisfaction  to  us,  who 
in  all  affairs  of  this  nature,  desire  to  look  upwards, 
that  there  is  a  God  who  governs  the  world,  to  whom 
we  can  leave  the  issues  and  events  of  things  ;  and  we 
are  satisfied,  and  may  therefore  be  easy,  that  He  will 
not  fail  in  due  time  of  making  a  suitable  retribution 
to  all  according  to  their  present  carriage.  And  this 
great  Ruler  of  the  world,  my  lord,  has  among  other 
things  also  declared,  He  will  make  a  difference 
between  him  that  sweareth,  and  him  that /eare/h  an 
oath.^^  His  lordship  was  struck  with  Howe's  reply, 
and  after  a  pause  said,  "  Sir,  I  thank  you  for  your 
freedom ;  I  understand  your  meaning.  I  shall 
endeavor  to  make  a  good  use  of  it."  Howe  adroitly 
answered,  "  My  lord,  I  have  a  great  deal  more  reason 
to  thank  your  lordship,  for  saving  me  the  most  diliicult 
part  of  a  discourse,  which  is  the  application. ''    [i8] 


On  another  occasion,  when  dining  in  company  with 
persons  of  great  respectability,  a  gentleman  at  table 
thought  proper  to  expatiate  at  great  length  on  the 
merits  of  Charles  I.  Howe,  observing  that  he  fre- 
quently indulged  in  the  most  fearful  oaths,  quietly 
remarked,  "  That  in  his  enumeration  of  the  excellences 
of  the  Prince  he  had  undertaken  to  paneg>'rize,  he 
had  totally  omitted  one,  which  had  been  universally 
ascribed  to  him."  The  gentleman  was  delighted  to 
find  Mr.  Howe  a  witness  in  favor  of  the  Prince  he  so 
much  praised,  and  was  quite  impatient  to  know  what 
was  the  excellence  which  had  escaped  him.  Howe 
suffered  him  to  press  for  the  information  some  time, 
and  then  told  him  that  "  Charles  was  never  known  to 
swear  an  oath  in  his  common  conversation."  It  is 
pleasing  to  add,  that  the  gentleman  bore  the  reproof 
well,  and  promised  to  abandon  the  habit  for  the 
future.      [i8] 


At  another  time,  as  he  was  walking  along  the  street, 
he  came  up  to  two  persons  of  rank,  who  were  engaged 


38  Bnolisb  "Mit  and  Ibumor 

in  a  very  angry  dispute  with  one  another.  As  he 
passed  them  he  heard  them  "  damn  "  each  other  in  a 
most  awful  manner.  On  this,  Howe  taking  off  his 
hat  and  bowing  to  them  with  great  courtesy,  said,  "  I 
pray  God  save  you  botli."  They  were  so  struck  with 
this  salutation,  that  they  forgot  their  anger  and  joined 
in  thanking  him.      [i8] 

Putting  on  the  "Finishing  Touch" 
Returning  to  London  once,  Douglas  Jerrold  was 
recognized  in  the  railway  carriage  by  a  gentlemen  who 
wished — seeing  the  enthusiasm  with  which  Jerrold 
pointed  to  the  beauties  of  the  landscape — to  ingratiate 
himself  by  the  assumption  of  an  equal  enthusiasm. 
But  the  counterfeit  was  plain  and  revolting. 

"  I  take  a  book,"  said  the  stranger.  "  retire  into 
some  unfrequented  field,  lie  down,  gaze  on  God's 
heaven,  then  study.  If  there  are  animals  in  the  field 
so  much  the  better  ;  the  cow  approaches,  and  looks 
down  at  me  and  I  look  up  at  her." 

"  With  a  filial  smile  ?  "  asked  the  stranger's  annoyed 
listener.     [25] 

She  Left  Nothing  Behind 

"  Is  all  my  luggage  in  the  van  ?  " 
"  Yes,  madam." 
"  Have  I  left  nothing  behind  ?  " 
"  No,  madam  ;  not  even  a  copper." 

Slow  and  Sure 
Sydney  Smith  himself  tells  a  good  story  in  illustra- 
tion of  the  deficiency  of  a  sense  of  fun.  He  had  been 
treating  the  company  at  dinner  to  one  of  his  best 
things,  and  observed  all  the  table,  as  usual,  in  a  roar, 
except  one  phlegmatic  gentleman,  who  showed  no 
symptom  of  a  smile.  Some  time  after  the  ladies  had 
retired  from  dessert,  this  gentleman  broke  out  into  a 
tremendous  laugh,  and  said  :  "  Oh,  I  see,  Mr.  Smith, 
you  meant  that  " — referring  to  his  remark  during  din- 
ner— "  for  a  joke,  didn't  you  ?  "  "  Well,  sir,  I  rather 
think  I  did."  It  had  just  penetrated  the  inapprecia- 
tive  strata  of  his  brain.      [3] 


jEnalisb  XClit  anD  Ibumoc  3& 

Amusing  Tithe  Story 

A  Quaker  barber  being  sued  by  the  clergyman  of  the 
village  for  tithes  went  to  him  and  asked  why  he 
troubled  him,  as  he  never  had  any  dealing  with  him 
in  his  whole  life. 

"  Why,"  said  the  parson,  "  it  is  for  tithes." 

"  For  tithes  !  "  replied  the  Quaker,  "  upon  what 
account  ?  " 

"Why,  for  preaching  in  the  church." 

"  Oh,  then,"  replied  the  Quaker,  "  I  have  nothing 
to  pay  thee  ;  for  I  come  not  there." 

"  Oh,  but  you  might,''  objected  the  clergyman,  "  for 
the  doors  are  always  open  at  convenient  times." 

The  Quaker  immediately  entered  his  action  against 
the  reverend  for  forty  shillings.  The  parson  inquired 
for  what  he  owed  the  money. 

"  Truly,  friend,"  replied  the  Quaker,  "  for  trim- 
ming." 

"  For  trimming  I  why  I  was  never  trimmed  by  you 
in  my  life." 

"  Oh,"  was  the  reply,  "  but  thou  niightst  have  come 
and  been  trimmed,  if  thou  hadst  pleased,  for  my 
doors  are  always  open  at  convenient  times  as  well 
as  thine."     [ii] 

Wordsworth's  Prettiest  Production 

Hartley  Coleridge  once  being  asked  which  of 
Wordsworth's  productions  he  considered  the  prettiest, 
promptly  replied,  "  His  daughter  Dora." 

Lawyer  and  Clients  Known  at   a  Glance 

Lord  Richardson,  riding  abroad  in  his  coach  to  take 
air,  and  passing  by  a  carman  whose  horses  were  of 
unequal  fatness,  called  out,  "  Sirrah,  sirrah,  resolve 
me  one  question  :  Why  is  your  foremost  horse  so  lusty 
and  pampered,  and  the  rest  such  lean  jades  ?  " 

The  carman,  not  knowing  the  judge,  but  deeming 
him  a  lawyer,  from  his  habit,  answered,  "  Why,  the 
reason  is  plain  enough  ;  mv  fore  horse  is  the  counsel- 
lor, and  all  the  rest  his  clients." 


40  BnflliBb  mit  anD  Ibumot 

The  First  Person  Singular 
A  supper  of  sheep's  lieads  was  proposed,  and  pres- 
ently served.  One  gentleman  present  was  particu- 
larly enthusiastic  on  the  excellence  of  the  dish,  and  as 
he  threw  down  his  knife  and  fork,  exclaimed,  "  Well, 
sheep's  heads  for  ever  !  say  I." 

Douglas  Jerrold,  who  was  present,  at  once  remarked: 
"  There's  egoism."      [25] 

Fishing  for  a  Compliment,  and — Getting  It 

A  young  man  having  preached  for  his  bishop,  was 
anxious  to  get  a  word  of  applause  for  his  labor  of 
love.  The  bishop,  however,  did  not  introduce  the 
subject,  and  his  younger  brother  was  obliged  to  bait 
the  hook  for  him. 

"  I  hope,  sir,  I  did  not  weary  your  people  by  the 
length  of  my  sermon  to-day  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,  not  at  all  ;  nor  by  the  depth  either  !  " 

Once   Quite  Enough 

"  Did  you  ever,"  said  one  preacher  to  another, 
"  stand  at  the  door  after  your  sermon,  and  listen  to 
what  people  said  about  it  as  they  passed  out  ?  " 

Replied  he  :  "I  did  once — "  a  pause  and  a  sigh— 
"but  I'll  never  do  it  again." 

Cutting  His  Comb 

The  proud  Duke  of  Somerset  employed  Seymour  the 
painter,  to  make  some  portraits  of  his  running  horses. 

One  day,  at  dinner,  he  drank  to  him  with  a  sneer  : 
"  Cousin  Seymour,  your  health." 

The  painter  replied  :  "I  really  do  believe  that  I 
have  the  honor  to  be  of  your  grace's  family." 

The  Duke,  offended,  rose  from  the  table,  and  sent 
his  steward  to  pay  Seymour  and  dismiss  him. 

Another  painter  of  horses  was  sent  for,  who,  find- 
ing himself  unworthy  to  finish  Seymour's  work, 
honestly  told  the  Duke  so.  On  this  the  haughty  peer 
condescended  once  more  to  summon  his  cousin. 

Seymour  answered  his  mandate  in  these  words  : 
"My  lord,  I  shall  now  prove  that  I  am  of  your 
grace's  family,  for  I  will  not  come." 


Bn0U5b  Xdlt  anO  f)umoc  41 

An  Important  Pre-Nuptial  Question 
Sheridan  took  his  son   one  day  to  task   upon  his 
celibacy,  and  strongly  urged  that   he  should  take  a 
wife. 

"Very  well,  father,"  answered  Tom;  "whose  wife 
shall  I  take?  " 

A  Sexton  in  Trouble 

A  visitor  strolled  into  a  fashionable  church  just 
before  the  service  began.  The  sexton  followed  him 
up  and  tapping  him  on  the  shoulder,  and  pointing  to  a 
small  cur  that  had  followed  him  into  the  sacred 
edifice,  said,  "  Dogs  are  not  admitted." 

"  That's  not  my  dog,"  said  the  visitor. 

"  But  he  follows  you." 

"Well,  so  do  you." 

The  sexton  growled,  and  removed  the  dog  with 
unnecessary  violence. 

One  Way  of  Recognizing  a  Gentleman 
Hospitable    Host:     "Does     any    gentleman     say 
pudden  ?" 

Precise  Guest :  "  No,  sir.  No  gentleman  says 
*  pudden.'  " 

A  Curious  Account 

Douglas  Jerrold's  veterinary  surgeon  at  Putney — 
a  great  character — was  a  favorite  subject  with  him, 
His  bill,  especially,  was  preserved  as  a  most  laugh- 
able curiosity,  one  of  the  items  being  put  thus  (refer- 
ring to  a  sick  horse)  : 

"  His  nose  was  warm,  his  ears  was  ) 

cold,  and  everything  gave  signs  )•  ^o     5s.     od." 
of  approaching  desolation.  )  [25] 

An  Organ-Grinder's  Earnings 

"  What  do  you  make  a  week  ?  "  said  a  magistrate 
to  an  Italian  organ-grinder  who  charged  a  man  with 
breaking  his  instrument  the  other  day. 

"  Vour  pound,  sare." 

"  Eh,  what  ?    Four  pounds  for  grinding  an  organ  ?" 

"  No,  sare ;  not  for  grind — vor  shut  up  and  go 
away  I  " 


42  BiiQlisb  Mtt  anD  Ibumor 

Playful  Thoughts  on  Marriage 
A  Reason  Against  Marriage.— A  celebrated  wit 
was  asked  why  he  did  not  marry  a  young  lady  to 
whom  he  was  much  attached.  "  I  know  of  no  rea- 
son," replied  he,  "except  the  great  regard  we  have 
for  each  other." 

Marriage  Defined.— The  gate  through  which  the 
happy  lover  leaves  his  enchanted  regions  and  returns 
to  earth.  "fDid  you  ever,"  says  Sydney  Smith, 
"hear  my  definition  of  marriage?  It  is  that  it  resem- 
bles a  pair  of  shears,  so  joined  that  the}-  cannot  be 
separated  ;  often  moving  in  opposite  directions,  yet 
always  punishing  anyone  who  comes  between  them." 
[2] — A  clergyman,  while  engaged  in  catechizing  a 
number  of  boys,  asked  one  of  them  for  a  definition  of 
matrimony.  The  reply  was,  "A  place  of  punishment, 
where  some  folks  suffer  for  a  long  time  before  they 
can  go  to  Heaven." 

A  Poser. — A  Roman  prelate  once  asked  an  old 
woman  how  many  sacraments  there  were  ? — to  which 
she  observed  that  there  were  but  two.  "  But,"  said 
the  bishop,  "there  is  marriage;  what  prevents  you 
regarding  so  holy,  delightful  and  happy  a  state  as 
one  of  the  sacraments?"  "Ah!  sir,"  replied  the  old 
woman,  "if  it  is  so  very  good,  what  is  the  reason  you 
have  never  partaken  of  it?" 

Wrecked  on  the  Coral  Reefs 

In  one  of  Douglas  Jerrold's  plays,  an  old  sailor  try- 
ing to  snatch  a  kiss  from  a  pretty  girl — as  old  sailors 
will — received  a  box  on  the  ear.  "  There,"  exclaimed 
Blue-jacket,  "like  my  luck;  always  wrecked  on  the 
coral  reefs."  The  manager,  when  the  play  was  read 
in  the  green-room,  could  not  see  the  fun,  and  the 
author  struck  it  out.      [25] 

A  Convincing  Rejoinder 

A  celebrated  man  not  long  since  received  a  just 
rebuke.  A  lecturer  stated  that  the  aforesaid  knew 
how  to  make  a  most  excellent  cup  of  coffee.    A  coun- 


iBnQli6b  llltt  anO  iDumor  4a 

try  parson  wrote  to  him  asking  for  the  recipe.  His 
request  was  granted,  but  at  the  bottom  of  the  letter 
was  the  following  manifestation  of  stupendous  con- 
ceit : — "  I  hope  that  this  is  a  genuine  request,  and  not 
a  surreptitious  mode  of  securing  my  autograph." 

To  this  the  parson  •  plied  :  "  Accept  my  thanks  for 
the  recipe  for  making  coffee.  I  wrote  in  good  faith, 
and.  in  order  to  convince  you  of  that  fact,  allow  me 
to  return  what  it  is  obvious  you  infinitely  prize,  but 
which  is  of  no  value  to  me — your  autograph." 

Lengthening  His  Days 

The  witty  Sheridan  was  once  taken  ill  in  conse- 
quence of  a  fortnight's  continued  dining  out  and  dis- 
sipation. He  sent  for  a  celebrated  doctor,  who  pre- 
scribed rigid  abstinence,  and  calling  again  soon  after- 
wards asked  his  patient  if  he  was  attending  to  that 
advice. 

The  answer  being  in  the  affirmative,  "  Right,"  said 
the  doctor;  "'tis  the  only  way  to  secure  you  length 
of  days." 

"  I  do  not  doubt  it."  said  Sheridan,  "for  these  last 
three  days  since  I  began  have  been  the  longest  to  me 
in  my  life." 

Learning  the  Truth  about  Himself 

Dr.  Digby,  going  round  to  the  mews,  finds  his  new 
coachman's  children  playing  about,  and  introduces 
himself: — "Well,  my  little  man,  and  do  you  know 
who  I  am?  " 

"Yes,"  said  the  boy;  "you're  the  man  as  rides  in 
father's  carriage." 

A  New  "  Line  "  for  Publishers 

An  old  lady  went  into  a  Brighton  bookstore  the 
other  day  with  an  order  which  was  rather  difficult  to 
fill.  She  said  to  the  clerk  at  the  counter:  "  Do  you 
keep  Bibles  ?  " 

"  Yes,  ma'am." 

"  Well,  I  want  a  small  pocket-Bible  in  very  large 
print." 


44  JEngllsb  'Mit  anD  Ibumor 

Kemble  and  the  Crying  Child 
The  following  ston'  is  related  in  Tom  Moore's 
"  Diary  "  about  John  Kemble.  He  was  performing 
one  of  his  favorite  parts,  at  some  country  theatre,  and 
was  interrupted  from  time  to  time  by  the  crying  of  a 
child  in  the  gallery,  until  at  length,  angered  by  this 
rival  performance,  Kemble  walked  with  solemn  steps 
to  the  front  of  the  stage,  and  addressing  the  audience 
in  his  most  tragic  tones,  said:  "Ladies  and  gentle- 
men, unless  the  play  is  stopped,  the  child  cannot 
possibly  go  on." 

Perpetual  Wits — Perpetual  Thieves 

A  friend  of  Dr.  Johnson,  in  conversation  with  him, 
was  lamenting  the  disagreeable  situation  in  which 
those  persons  stood  who  were  eminent  for  their  witti- 
cisms, as  they  were  perpetually  expected  to  be  saying 
good  things — that  it  was  a  heavy  tax  on  them. 

"  It  is  indeed,"  said  Johnson,  "  a  very  heavy  tax  on 
them — a  tax  which  no  man  can  pay  who  does  not  steal." 

Doctor  and  Patient,  and  Vice  Versa 

A  French  doctor  had  just  been  operating  upon 
Douglas  Jerrold.  The  patient  had  winced  a  little, 
and  the  operator  had  said,  "  Tut !  tut !  It's  nothing — 
nothing  at  all  !  " 

Presently  some  hot  water  was  brought  in.  The 
doctor  put  his  fingers  in  it,  and  sharply  withdrew 
them,  with  an  oath.  The  patient,  who  was  now  lying, 
faint,  upon  the  sofa,  said  :  "  Tut !  tut  !  It's  nothing — 
nothing  at  all !  "      [25] 

A  Sense  of  Unworthiness 

A  gardener's  boy  having  gone  to  sleep  under  the 
shade  of  some  fruit  trees, — "  Wretched  fellow,"  cried 
his  master,  as  he  awoke  him,  "  are  you  not  ashamed 
to  sleep  instead  of  working  Go  along  with  you,  you 
vagabond  ;  you  are  not  worthy  that  the  sun  should 
shine  on  you." 

"That  is  why  I  went  into  the  shade,"  replied  the 
boy. 


A  New  Triniiy 

A  gentleman  who  had  been  led  by  curiosity  to  visit 
the  Positivist  Church  in  London,  where  the  doctrine  of 
Humanity  was  preached  to  a  select  few,  being  asked 
what  he  had  found  there,  replied,  "  Three  persons  and 
no  God." 

Something  to  Show  His  Friends 

An  editor  received  a  letter  from  a  vain  and  tiresome 
contributor,  asking  for  an  opinion  on  the  work  he  had 
recently  sent  in. 

"  I  want  your  opinion,"  said  the  contributor, 
"  written  in  your  own  hand,  so  that  I  can  show  it  to 
my  friends,  and  socially,  I  think  it  will  greatly  help 
me.  I  see  that  you  sometimes  write  poetry,  and  it 
would  please  me  much  better  if  you  would  write  it 
out  in  rhyme.  You  may  make  it  funny  if  you 
want  to." 

The  editor  sent  him  the  following  : 
"  Try  to  be  pleasant,  and  your  writings  are  fiat. 

Try  to  be  funny,  and  they  are  worse  than  that ; 

Try  to  be  wise,  and  you're  simply  a  fool  ; 

Try  to  be  honest,  and  you're  only  a  tool ; 

And  it  seems  that  there's  no  use  in  trying  it  more, 

For  you  only  succeed,  sir,  in  being  a  bore." 

How  the  Widow  Deceived  Her  Husband's  Rela- 
tives and — Herself 

A  somewhat  amusing  incident  is  told  of  a  woman 
whose  husband,  a  wealthy  man,  died  suddenly  with- 
out making  a  will.  The  widow,  desirous  of  securing 
the  whole  of  the  property,  concealed  her  husband's 
death,  and  persuaded  a  poor  shoemaker  to  take  his 
place  while  a  will  could  be  made.  Accordingly  he 
was  closely  muffled  in  bed,  as  if  very  sick,  and  a 
lawyer  was  called  in  to  write  the  will.  The  shoe- 
maker, in  a  feeble  voice,  bequeathed  half  of  the  prop- 
erty to  the  widow. 

"  What  shall  be  done  with  the  remainder?"  asked 
the  lawyer. 


46  BnGlisb  mil  anD  Ibumoc 

"  The  remainder,"  replied  he,  "  I  give  and  bequeath 
to  the  poor  little  shoemaker  across  the  street,  who  has 
always  been  a  good  neighbor  and  a  deserving  man," 
— thus  securing  a  rich  bequest  to  himself. 

The  widow  was  thunderstruck  with  the  man's 
audacious  cunning,  but  did  not  dare  to  expose  the 
fraud  ;  and  so  the  two  I'ogues  shared  the  estate. 

Willing  to  Wait 

A  gentleman  who  introduced  his  brother  to  Dr. 
Johnson,  was  earnest  to  recommend  him  to  the 
doctor's  notice,  which  he  did  by  saying,  "When  we 
have  sat  together  some  time,  you'll  find  my  brother 
grow  very  entertaining." 

"Sir,"  said  Johnson,  "I  can  wait." 

Less  and  Less 

A  chimney-sweep's  boy  went  into  a  baker's  shop  for 
a  twopenny  loaf,  and  conceiving  it  to  be  diminutive  in 
size,  remarked  to  the  baker  that  he  did  not  believe  it 
was  weight. 

"  Never  mind  that,"  said  the  man  of  dough  ;  "  you 
will  have  the  less  to  carry." 

"  True,"  replied  the  lad,  and  throwing  three-half- 
pence on  the  counter,  left  the  shop. 

The  baker  called  after  him  that  he  had  not  left 
money  enough. 

"  Never  mind  that,"  said  young  sooty;  "you  will 
have  the  /ess  to  count. ^^ 

The  Limit  of  Debate 
Dr.  Johnson  having  argued  for  some  time  with  a 
very  pertinacious  gentleman,  his  opponent,  who  had 
talked  in  a  very  puzzling  manner,  happened  to  say,  "  I 
don't  understand  you,  sir";  upon  which  Johnson 
observed,  "  Sir,  I  have  found  you  an  argument,  but  I 
am  not  obliged  to  find  you  an  understanding." 

A  Fool's  Knowledge  and  Ignorance 
John  was  thought  to  be  very  stupid.      He  was  sent 
to  a  mill  one  day,  and  the   miller  said,   "John,  some 
people  say  you  are  a  fool  !     Now,  tell   me   what  you 
do  know,  and  what  you  don't  know." 


jenglfsb  TlClit  atiD  Ibumor  47 

"Well,  replied  John,  "I  know  millers' hogs  are  fat!  " 
"Yes,    that's    well,    John  I    Now,    what    don't    you 
know  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  whose  corn  fats  'em  !  " 

An  Improved  Accidental 

[Scene  :    A   chapel  where  the  hymns  used  to  be 
given  out  (and  sung)  line  by  line.] 

Minister  (the  pulpit  candles  not  having  been  lighted ) 
loq.:  '•  My  eyes  are  dim,  I  cannot  see." 

Congregation  (singing)  :   "My  eyes  are  dim,  I  can- 
not see." 

Minister:  "I  speak  of  mine  infirmity." 

Congregation  (singing)  :    "  I  speak  of  mine  infirm- 
ity." 

Minister :  "  I  only  said,  '  My  eyes  are  dim  ! '  " 

Congregation   (singing):   "I  only  said,  'My  eyes 
are  dim.'  " 

Minister:  "I    DID    NOT    MEAN    TO    SING    A 
HYMN!" 

Congregation  (singing)  :  "  I  did  not  mean  to  sing 
a  hymn." 

A  New  Rhyme  to  an  Old  Line 

"Who  shall  decide  when  doctors  disagree?" 
Punchy  who  decides  that  neither  shall  have  fee.    [i] 

Every  Little  Helps 
A  friend  drops  in,  and  walks  across  the  smoking- 
room  to  Douglas  Jerrold's  chair.  The  friend  wants  to 
enlist  Mr.  Jerrold's  sympathies  in  behalf  of  a  mutual 
acquaintance  who  is  in  want  of  a  round  sum  of  money. 
But  this  mutual  friend  has  already  sent  his  hat  about 
among  his  literary  brethren  on  more  than  one  occa- 
sion.    Mr.  's  was  becoming  an  institution,  and 

friends  were  grieved  at  the  indelicacy  of  the  proceed- 
ing. On  the  occasion  to  which  I  now  refer,  the  bearer 
of  the  hat  was  received  by  Jerrold  with  evident  dissat- 
isfaction.    "Well,"  said  Douglas  Jerrold,  "how  much 

does want  this  time?"     "Why,  just  a  four  and 

two  noughts  will,  I  think,  put  him  straight;"  the 
bearer  of  the  hat  replied.  Jen-old:  "Well,  put  me 
dowr  for  one  of  the  noughts."      [25] 


48  BnQltgb  Wiit  anD  Ibumoc 

Notice  of  Non-responsibility  for  a  Wife 

Julia,  my  wife,  has  grown  quite  rude  ; 

She  has  left  me  in  a  lonesome  mood  ; 

She  has  left  my  board. 

She  has  took  my  bed. 

She  has  gave  away  my  meat  and  bread  ; 

She  has  left  me  in  spite  of  friends  and  Church, 

She  has  carried  with  her  all  my  shirts. 

Now  you  who  read  this  paper, 

Since  she  cut  this  reckless  caper, 

I  will  not  pay  one  single  fraction 

For  any  debts  of  her  contraction." 

A  Consistent  Preacher 
An  amusing  commentary  on  his  text  was  afiorded 
one  Sunday  evening  by  the  curate  of  a  parish  which 
lies  between  Barnsley  and  Sheffield,  but  which  it 
would  hardly  be  fair  to  indicate  further.  The  reverend 
gentleman  had  been  preaching  from  the  words,  "  He 
that  followeth  me  shall  not  walk  in  darkness."  Unfor- 
tunately, it  was  a  very  dark  night ;  and,  on  the  way- 
home,  the  curate  fell  into  a  hole  by  the  wayside  where 
the  road  was  being  repaired,  and  seriously  injured 
his  ankle.  The  accident  made  the  authorities  wake 
up,  however,  and,  during  the  progress  of  the  repairs, 
a  fire  has  been  kept  up  burning  after  that  night,  and 
given  light  to  all  benighted  travelers  at  that  particu- 
lar part  of  the  road  ;  and  thus  it  came  to  pass  that 
the  words  of  the  curate's  text  had  a  literal  fulfilment, 
for  certainly,  whatever  he  may  have  done  himself, 
those  who  followed  him  in  the  way  he  took  that  night 
have  not  had  to  walk  in  darkness.      [36] 

A  Little  Previous 
The  Lee(V s  Express  records  that  Mr.  Herbert  Glad- 
stone was  addressing  a  Woman's  Suffrage  meeting  at 
Leeds  one  afternoon,  and  passed  a  compliment  upon 
the  eloquence  possessed  by  the  fair  sex,  and  the  pleas- 
ure it  gave  the  masculine  portion  of  creation  to  listen 
to  them.  And  then  a  male  voice  issued  from  the  back- 
ground with,  "Wait  a  bit,  lad;  tha'rt  noan  wed 
yet!"      [17] 


Bnglisb  XUit  anO  tbumoc  49 

Proving  His  Words  Rather  Unexpectedly 

A  would-be  wit  once  said,  speaking  of  the  fair  sex  : 

"Ah,    its  woman's   mission  to  make  fools  of  men." 

"And  how  vexed  we  are,"  said  a  bright-eyed  feminine 

present,  "to  find  that  nature  has  so  often  forestalled  us." 

An  Equitable  Exchange 
Mrs.  Jerrold  perfectly  understood  her  husband,  and 
they  were  very  cordial  in  their  relations  with  each 
other,  though  he  often  made  her  the  butt  for  his  jokes. 
He  once  told  her  that  he  thought  a  man  might  be 
allowed  to  treat  his  wife  like  a  bank-note  after  she  had 
turned  forty,  and  change  her  into  two  twenties  !     [i6] 

Royal  Art  Critics 

Mr.  Cooper,  R.  A.,  was  once  down  at  Osborne, 
painting  some  cattle  before  the  Queen  and  her  Consort. 
The  artist  had  been  defending  the  presence  of  some 
dock-leaves  in  the  foreground  of  his  composition  : — 

"Well,"  said  the  Prince,  jocosely,  "they  are  beau- 
tifully painted,  and  doubtless  assist  the  composition, 
but  they  do  not  give  evidence  of  good  farming." 
Her  Majesty  smiled  appreciatively,  and,  shaking  her 
finger  at  the  Prince  said  :  "  How  about  the  little  pool 
of  water  in  which  the  heifer's  hind-legs  are  stand- 
ing?" "Oh,"  said  his  royal  highness,  laughing, 
"  I  think  it  is  a  beautiful  artistic  idea,  and  gives  a 
stamp  of  nature  to  the  scene."  "  Yes,  Albert,"  said 
the  Queen,  "  and  I  like  its  introduction  much,  but  it  is 
not  evidence  of  good  draining."  Upon  this  they  both 
laughed  heartily.     [i6] 

An  Explicit  and  Exact  Witness 

If  one  is  asked  to  be  literal,  he  can  scarcely  be  too 
conscientiously  so,  especially  in  a  court  of  law. 

"  Now,  you  must  give  explicit  and  exact  answers. 
You  said  you  drove  a  milk-cart,  didn't  you  ?" 

"  No,  sir,  I  didn't." 

"  Don't  you  drive  a  milk-cart  ?  " 

"No,  sir." 

"  Ah,  then,  what  do  you  do,  sir  ?  " 

"  I  drive  a  hoss." 


50  Bnolisb  limit  anD  Ibumor 

Hope's  Triumph  Over  Experience 
Lord  Eldon  dining  with  the  late  Duke  of  York, 
commander-in-chief,  there  was  a  large  part}-  of  mili- 
tary men  at  table.  Amongst  other  distinguished 
guests  was  Greenwood,  the  great  army  agent,  of  whom 
the  Duke  himself,  as  well  as  half  the  army,  perhaps, 
had  borrowed  money  in  their  time.  After  the  wine 
had  been  going  round  the  table,  a  young  officer  rose 
and  begged  his  royal  highness' s  permission  to  propose 
a  toast.  This  request  being  graciously  granted,  the 
proposer  went  on  to  say,  much  to  the  amusement  of 
his  interested  brother  officers  especially,  "  Then, 
your  royal  highness,  I  beg  to  give  the  health  of  a 
gentleman  now  present — a  gentleman  to  whom  we  are 
all  much  indebted — to  whom  we  are  likely  long  to  owe 
much — and  whom,  indeed,  we  can  never  hope  to 
repay  P^  The  toast  was  drunk  amidst  rapturous 
applause,  in  which  the  good-humored  prince  most 
cordially  joined. 

A  Double-Barrelled  Answer 

"  Did  you,  or  did  you  not  speak  of  me,  sir,  the 
other  night  ?  "  said  a  peremptory  gentleman  to  a  fel- 
low-collegian, afterwards  an  eminent  statesman. 

"  I  did  or  did  not  speak  of  you,"  was  the  prompt 
answer. 

Pitt's  Effort  of  Memory 

Mr.  Pitt,  speaking  in  the  House  of  Commons,  in  the 
early  part  of  his  career,  of  the  glorious  war  which 
preceded  the  disastrous  one,  in  which  we  lost  the 
colonies,  called  it  "  the  last  war."  Several  members 
cried  out :  "  The  last  but  one  !  "  He  took  no  notice  ; 
and,  soon  after,  repeating  the  mistake,  was  interrupted 
by  a  general  cry  of  "  The  last  war  but  one  !  The  last 
war  but  one  !  "  "I  mean,  sir,"  said  Pitt,  turning  to 
the  Speaker,  and  raising  his  sonorous  voice,  "  I 
mean,  sir,  the  last  war  that  Britons  would  wish  to 
remember."  The  cry  of  interruption  was  instantly 
changed  into  universal  cheering  long  and  loud. 


Englisb  XUit  anD  Ibumor  51 

Exceptions  from  "  The  Fall  " 
The  late  Bishop  of  Chichester  states  that  at  the 
annual  examination  of  the  Charity  Schools  around  the 
city  of  Chichester,  he  was  seated  in  the  front  row  of 
the  school-room,  together  with  his  daughters,  and  the 
family  of  the  noble  house  of  Richmond,  when  the 
Bishop  kindly  took  part  in  the  examination,  and  put 
several  questions.  To  one  boy  he  said,  "  We  have  all 
sinned,  and  come  short  of  the  glory  of  God.  Now,  does 
that  passage  mean  that  ez'ery  one  of  us  has  sinned  ?  " 

The  boy  hesitated  ;  but,  upon  a  repetition  of  the 
question,,  replied,  •"  Every  one  except  your  lordship, 
and  the  company  sitting  on  the  front  form." 

A  Bishop  Surprised 
The  same  Bishop,  at  one  of  his  confirmations,  saw  a 
school-girl  inclined  to  be  inattentive  and  troublesome  ; 
he  therefore  held  up  his  finger  as  a  warning.  These 
children  being  accustomed  to  si'ons from  their  teachers^ 
of  which  they  were  expected  to  declare  the  meaning, 
did  not  suppose  that  the  elevation  of  the  Bishop's 
finger  was  an  exception  to  their  general  rule  of  reply 
to  such  tokens  ;  they  therefore  all  rose  together,  and 
from  the  middle  of  the  church  exclaimed  in  an  exult- 
ing tone,  "perpendicular  /  " — to  the  astonishment  and 
consternation  of  the  better  inclined,  and  to  the  amuse- 
ment, we  fear,  of  not  a  few  of  the  congregation. 

A  Proof  that  Adam  and  Eve  were  English 
When  Eve  brought  woe  to  all  mankind, 

Old  Adam  called  her  zeoe-man  ; 
But  when  she  woo'd  with  love  so  kind, 

He  then  pronounced  it  woo-man. 
But  now  with  folly  and  with  pride. 

Their  husband's  pockets  brimming, 
The  ladies  are  so  full  of  whims. 

That  people  call  them  whim-mew. 

A  Rejected  Lover's   Rebuke 

The  following  lines  were  sent  by  Dr.  Watts  to  a 
lady  to  whom  he  wished  to  pay  his  addresses,  upon 
her  saying  that  she  would  have  no  such  ill-shaped 
fellow  as   he  was  ; 


52  Bnalieb  limit  anD  Ibumor 

'Tis  true  my  shape  is  somewhat  odd, 

But  blaming  me  is  blaming  God  ; 

For,  had  I  spoke  myself  to  birth, 

I'd  please  the  prettiest  lass  on  earth ; 

And,  could  I  form  myself  anew, 

I  would  not  fail  of  pleasing  you. 

Your  charms  have  long  been  dear  to  fame, 

And  half  the  country  boasts  your  name; 

But  who  that  dimpling  chin  supplied, 

And  lent  your  cheeks  their  rosy  pride. 

With  hair  of  jet  your  temples  graced, 

And  with  a  slender  shape  your  waist  ? 

Thyself,  had'st  thou  thus  beauteous  made, 

To  thee  the  praise  were  duly  paid  ; 

But  since  the  Power  that  fashioned  thee, 

With  the  same  hand  created  me, 

W^ho  might  have  touched  my  frame  like  thine, 

And  left  thee  one  deformed  as  mine, — 

For  what  thou  art,  that  Power  adore, 

And  sneer  at  my  odd  shape  no  more  ! 

Those  eyes  that  dart  destructive  rays, 

E'en  let  them  sparkle  to  His  praise  ; 

Thy  breast,  the  seat  of  love  and  snow, 

Teach  it  His  praise  to  pant  and  glow  ! 

Then  heaven  inspire  thy  yielding  voice 

To  one  that's  better  worth  thy  choice, 

And  if  the  rest  my  suit  disdain, 

The  thought  shall  never  give  me  pain  ; 

But,  that  I  tempt  no  greater  curse, 

Heaven  I'll  adore  I'm  made  no  worse. 

A  Highwayman  who  Failed  in  Business 
Tom  Sheridan  was  his  father's  own  son.  While  at 
Cambridge,  he  was  pronounced  to  be  the  cleverest 
iellow  in  the  place — as  in  point  of  wit  and  fun  he  very 
probably  was.  His  father  once  said  to  him,  "Tom, 
you  have  genius  enough  to  get  a  dinner  every  day  in 
the  week  at  the  first  tables  in  London — and  that's 
something  ;  but  that's  all  ;  you  can  go  no  further." 

They  thoroughly  understood  each  other.  The  son 
was  equally  complimentary  to  the  father,  as  many 
oft-repeated  anecdotes  can  testify.     On  one  occasion 


BtiQlisb  IjClit  anD  Ibumor  53 

Tom  complained  over  the  bottle  to  him  that  his 
pockets  were  empty. 

"  Try  the  highway  !  "  was  his  father's  answer. 

"I  have,"  said  Tom,  "  but  I  made  a  bad  hit;  I 
stopped  a  caravan  full  of  passengers,  who  assured 
me  they  had  not  a  farthing,  for  they  belonged  to 
Drury  Lane  Theatre,  and  could  not  get  a  penny  of 
their  salary." 

(Tom's  father  was  lessee  of  the  theatre  at  the  time.) 

Temptation  to  Suicide 

Dr.  Parr  and  Lord  Erskine  are  said  to  have  been 
the  vainest  men  of  their  times.  At  a  dinner  on  one 
occasion.  Dr.  Parr,  in  ecstacies  with  the  conversational 
powers  of  Lord  Erskine,  called  out  to  him,  though  his 
junior,     "  My  lord,  I  mean  to  write  your  epitaph!" 

"Dr.  Parr,  "  replied  the  noble  lawyer,  "  yout 
promise  is  a  temptation  to  commit  suicide  !  " 

Rebuking  a  Preacher,  and — Repenting 

In  the  later  days  of  his  life  the  Rev.  Rowland  Hill 
used  to  come  to  his  chapel  in  a  carriage.  He  got  an 
anonymous  letter  rebuking  him  for  this,  because  it 
was  not  the  way  his  Heavenly  Master  traveled.  He 
read  the  letter  from  the  pulpit,  and  said  it  was  quite 
true,  and  that  if  the  writer  would  come  to  the  vestry 
with  a  saddle  and  bridle  he  would  ride  him  home. 

A  "Bull"  in  a  Pulpit 
"  Remember,  I  beseech  you,"  said  a  preacher,  "  that 
we  are  all  sailing  down  the  stream  of  time,  and  must 
inevitably  lajid,  at  last,  i)i  the  great  ocean  of  eternity." 

Forced  by  His  Own  "Wit  to  Compound 

As  Quin  and  Foote  one  day  walked  out 

To  view  the  country  round. 
In  merry  mood  they  chatting  stood, 

Hard  by  the  village  pound. 
Foote  from  his  poke  a  shilling  took, 

And  said,  "  I'll  bet  a  penny, 
In  a  short  space,  within  this  place, 

I'll  make  this  piece  a  guinea." 


54  EnQligb  Mit  anD  HDunioc 

upon  the  ground,  within  the  pound, 

The  shilling  soon  was  thrown  ; 
"  Behold,"  said  Foote,  "the  thing's  made  out, 

For  there  is  one  pound  one." 
"  I  wonder  not,"  says  Quin,  "  that  thought 

Should  in  your  head  be  found, 
Since  that's  the  way  your  debts  you  pay — 

One  shilling  in  the  pound." 

An  Effective  Peroration 

Sheridan  was  one  day  much  annoyed  by  a  fellow- 
member  of  the  House  of  Commons,  who  kept  crying 
out  every  few  minutes,  "  Hear  hear!"  During  the 
debate  he  took  occasion  to  describe  a  political  con- 
temporary that  wished  to  play  rogue,  but  had  only 
sense  enough  to  act  fool.  "Where,"  exclaimed  he, 
with  great  emphasis,  "where  shall  we  find  a  more 
foolish  knave  or  a  more  knavish  fool  than  he  !  " 
"Hear!  hear!"  was  shouted  by  the  troublesome 
member.  Sheridan  turned  round,  and,  thanking  him 
for  the  prompt  information,  sat  down  amid  a  general 
roar  of  laughter. 

David  and  Parnell — A  Contrast 

During  a  debate  of  the  Hardwicke  Debating  Society 
in  the  Temple,  while  tlie  retirement  of  Mr.  Parnell 
was  still  undecided  by  the  Irish  Party,  a  speaker  was 
contrasting  Mr.  Parnell's  offence  with  that  of  David — 
b}'  way  of  answering  the  question  why  David  did  not 
retire  from  public  life.  After  pointing  out  the  obvious 
differences  between  the  two  men,  the  repentance  of 
David,  etc.,  he  ended  up  thus  :  "And  then,  sir,  there 
is  this  last  and  most  important  difference  of  all  :  David 
■wrote  a  psalm,  and  Mr.  Parnell  a  via7iifesto  !  ''''      [i6] 

The   Only  Reason  Against  Parnell's  Retirement 

Among  the  many  epigrams  and  witticisms  on  the 
Irish  crisis  which  are  flying  about,  one  of  the  neatest 
was  originated  at  the  Hardwicke  Debating  Society  by 
a  speaker,  who  contended  that  Mr.  Parnell  should 
retain  his  leadership.     "  For  why,"  said  this  speaker, 


Bnglisb  TiClit  aiiD  Ibumoc  55 

"should  we  ask  Mr.  Parnell  to  retire  into  private 
life,  when  he  has  proved  so  conclusively  that  it  is  just 
in  the  sphere  of  private  relations  that  this  powerful 
politician  does  not  know  how  to  conduct  himself  ?  ' '  [i6] 

Not  "  Home  Rule,"  but  **  Home  Ruin  " 
"  A  group  of  working  men  were  discussing  Parnell 
in  ni}^  hearing,"  writes  Mr.  Howard  Paul ;  "  said  one, 
'  I  looked  on  Parnell  as  the  champion  of  Home  Rule, 
but  this  O'Shea  business  suggests  that  he  is  even 
better  at  Home  Ruin.'  "      [i6] 

'Opeless  Helocution 

It  would  appear  from  the  following  that  at  Kidder- 
minster it  is  common,  if  not  a  local  peculiarity,  to  use 
the  letter  H  very  unceremoniously — either  by  denying 
it  its  proper  functions,  or  by  setting  it  to  work  in 
most  uncongenial  company  : 

Tlie  Letter  H  Petitions  the  Inhabitants  of  Kidder- 
minster : 

Whereas  by  you  I  have  been  driven 
From  'ouse,  from  'ome,  from  'ope,  from  'eaven, 
And  placed  by  your  most  learn'd  society, 
•         In  Aexile,  languish,  and  /zanxiety  ; 

And  charged,  without  one  just  pretence, 
With  //arrogance  and  //impudence  : 
I  here  demand  full  restitution, 
And  beg  you'll  mend  your  elocution 

Answer  of  the  hihabitants  of  Kidderminster  : 

Whereas  we've  rescued  you,  ingrate, 
From  'anger,  'avoc,  and  from  'ate. 
From  'orse-pond,  'anging,  and  from  'alter, 
And  consecrated  you  in  ^altar ; 
And  placed  you  where  you'd  never  be, 
In  ^onor  and  in  /fonesty  ; 
We  think  your  talking  an  intrusion, 
And  shall  not  mend  our  elocution. 
Kidderminster,  Jan.  25,  1837. 


5  'BrxQlieb  "Mit  anO  tbumor 

Quake     Wooing 

"Martha,  does  thee  love  me?"  asked  a  Quaker 
youth,  of  one  at  whose  shrine  his  heart's  fondest  feel- 
ings had  been  offered  up. 

"  Why,  Seth,"  answered  she.  "  we  are  commanded  to 
love  one  another,  are  we  not?" 

"Ay,  Martha;  but  does  thee  regard  me  with  that 
feeling  that  the  world  calls  love?" 

"  I  hardly  know  what  to  tell  thee,  Seth  ;  I  have 
greatly  feared  that  my  heart  was  an  erring  one.  I 
have  tried  to  bestow  my  love  on  all ;  but  I  may  have 
sometimes  thought,  perhaps,  that  thee  was  getting 
rather  more  than  thy  share." 

Surnames 

Men  once  were  surnamed  for  their  shape  or  estate. 

(You  all  may  from  history  worm  it.) 
There  was  Louis  the  Bulky,  and  Henry  the  Great, 

John  Lackland,  and  Peter  the  Hermit ; 
But  now,  when  the  door-plates  of  misters  and  dames 

Are  read,  each  so  constantly  varies  , 
From  the  owner's  trade,  figure,  and  calling,  surnames 

Seem  given  by  the  rule  of  contraries. 

Mr.  Wise  is  a  dunce,  Mr.  King  is  a  Whig,  » 

Mr.  Coffin's  uncommonly  sprightly, 
And  huge  Mr.  Little  broke  down  in  his  gig 

While  driving  fat  Mrs.  Golightly. 
At  Bath,  where  the  feeble  go  more  than  the  stout, 

(A  conduct  well  worthy  of  Nero) 
Over  poor  Mr.  Lightfoot,  confined  with  the  gout, 

Mr.  Heavyside  danced  a  bolero. 

Miss  Joy,  wretched  maid,  when  she  chose  Mr.  Lov6 

Found  nothing  but  sorrow  await  her  ; 
She  now  holds  in  wedlock,  as  true  as  a  dove. 

That  fondest  of  mates,  Mr.  Hayter. 
Mr.  Oldcastle  dwells  in  a  modern-built  hut. 

Miss  Sage  is  of  mad-caps  the  archest ; 
Of  all  the  queer  bachelors  Cupid  e'er  cut. 

Old  Mr.  Younghusband's  the  starchest. 


Bngllsb  limit  an&  Ibumor  57 

Mr.  Child,  in  a  passion,  knocked  down  Mr.  Rock, 

Mr.  Stone  like  an  aspen-leaf  shivers  ; 
Miss  Pool  used  to  dance,  but  she  stands  like  a  stock 

Ever  since  she  became  Mrs.  Rivers. 
Mr.  Swift  hobbles  onward,  no  mortal  knows  how, 

He  moves  as  though  cords  had  entwined  him  ; 
Mr.  Metcalf  ran  off  upon  meeting  a  cow. 

With  pale  Mr.  Turnbull  behind  him. 

Mr.  Barker's  as  mute  as  a  fish  in  the  sea, 

Mr.  Miles  never  moves  on  a  journey ; 
Mr.  Gotobed  sits  up  till  half  after  three, 

Mr.  Makepeace  was  bred  an  attorney. 
Mr.  Gardener  can't  tell  a  flower  from  a  root, 

Mr.  Wild  with  timidity  draws  back  ; 
Mr.  Ryder  performs  all  his  journeys  on  foot, 

Mr.  Foot  all  his  journeys  on  horseback. 

Mr.  Penny,  whose  father  was  rolling  in  wealth, 

Consumed  all  the  fortune  his  dad  won  ; 
Large  Mr.  Le  Fever's  the  picture  of  health  ; 

Mr.  Goodenough  is  but  a  bad  one  ; 
Mr.  Cruikshank  stepped  into  three  thousand  a  year 

By  showing  his  leg  to  an  heiress. 
Nowlhope you'll  acknowledge  I've  made  itquite  clear, 

Surnames  ever  go  by  contraries.     [37] 

A  Clever  Coachman 

The  late  Lord  Mansfield  told  the  following  anecdote 
about  himself  from  the  bench  :  He  had  turned  off  his 
coachman  for  certain  acts  of  peculation,  not  uncom- 
mon in  this  class  of  persons.  The  fellow  begged  his 
lordship  to  give  him  a  character. 

"What  kind  of  a  character  can  I  give  you?"  said 
his  lordship. 

"  Oh,  my  lord,  any  character  your  lordship  chooses 
to  give  me.  I  shall  most  thankfully  receive." 

His  lordship  accordingly  sat  down  and  wrote  as 
follows  : 

"  The  bearer,  John ,  has  served  me  three  years 

in  the  capacity  of  coachman.  He  is  an  able  driver, 
and  a  very  sober  man.  I  discharged  him  because  he 
cheated  me.— (Signed)  M.a.nsfield." 


58  BnflUsb  Timit  aiiD  Ibumor 

John  thanked  his  lordship,  and  walked  off,  A  few 
mornings  afterwards,  when  his  lordship  was  going 
through  his  lobby  to  step  into  his  coach  for  Westmin- 
ster Hall,  a  man,  in  a  very  handsome  livery,  made 
him  a  low  bow.  To  his  surprise  he  recognized  his 
late  coachman. 

"  Why,  John,"  said  his  lordship,  "  you  seem  to  have 
got  an  excellent  place ;  how  could  you  manage  this 
with  the  character  I  gave  you?  " 

"  Oh,  my  lord,"  said  John,  "  it  was  an  exceedingly 
good  character,  and  I  am  come  to  return  you  thanks 
for  it.  My  new  master,  on  reading  it,  said  he 
observed  your  lordship  recommended  me  as  an  able 
driver  and  a  sober  man.  '  These,'  said  he,  *  are  just 
the  qualities  I  want  in  a  coachman  ;  I  observe,'  his 
lordship  adds,  'that  he  discharged  you  because  you 
cheated  him.  Hark  you,  sirrah,'  said  he,  '  I'm  a 
Yorkshireman,  and  I'll  defy  you  to  cheat  vie  ! '  " 

Curious  Coincidences 

'Tis  curious  to  find  in  this  overgrown  town. 

While  through  its  long  streets  we  are  dodging, 
That  many  a  man  is  in  trade  settled  down. 

Whose  name  don''  t  agree  with  his  lodging  !  !  I 
For  instance,  Jack  Munday  in  Friday  Street  dwells, 

Mr.  Pitt  in  Fox  Court  is  residing  ; 
Mr.   White  in  Black'' s  Buildings  greengrocery  sells, 

While  East  in  Jl'est  Square  is  abiding. 

Mr.  Larjib  in  Red  Lion  Street  perks  up  his  head. 

To  Lamb's  Conduit  Street  Z/o-'/  goes  courting; 
Mr.  Boxer  at  Battle  Bridge  hires  a  bed. 

While  Moon  is  in  Srm  Street  disporting  ; 
Bill  Brown  up  to  Green  Street  to  live  now  has  gone, 

In  Stanhope  Mews  Dennett  keeps  horses— 
Dr.  Low  lives  in  High  Street,  Saint  Mary-le-bone, 

In  Broivn  Street  one  Johnny  White'' s  door  sees. 

But  still  much  more  curious  it  is,  when  the  streets 
Accord  with  the  names  of  the  tenants  ; 

And  yet  with  such  curious  accordance  one  meets 
In  taking  a  town-tour  like  Pennant's. 


Bnglieb  "Uatt  anD  Ibumor  59 

For  insiaiice,  in  Crown  Street,  George  King  you  may 
note, 

To  Booth  in  May  Fair  you  go  shopping ; 
And  Porter  of  Brewer-  Street  rows  in  a  boat 

To  Waters  of  River  Street,  Wapping. 

Mr.  Sparro'cv  in  Bird  Street  has  feathered  his  nest, 

Mr.  Archer  in  Bow  Street  woos  Sally  ; 
Mr.   Windham  in  Air  Street  gets  zephyr' d  to  rest, 

Mr.  Z?fl!W6<?r  resides  in  .5a// Alley. 
Mr.  Fisher  in  Finsh\xx\  fix'd  all  his  views, 

Mr.  Foote  in  Shoe  Lane  works  at  carding ; 
Mr.  Hawke  has  a  residence  close  to  the  Mews, 

And  Winter  puts  up  in  Spring  Garden. 

In  Orange  Street  Lemon  vends  porter  and  ale, 

In  Hart  Street  Jack  Deer  keeps  a  stable  ; 
In  Hill  Street  located  you'll  find  Mr.  Dale, 

In  Blue  Anchor  Row  Mr.  Cable. 
In  Knight-Rider  Street  you've  both  Walker  and  Day, 

In  Castle  Street,  Champion  and  Spearman  ; 
In  Blackman  Street  Lillywhite  make  a  display, 

In  Cheapside  lives  sweet  2vlrs.  Dearman. 

In  Paradise  row  Mr.  Adam  sells  figs, 

Eve,  in  Apple-tree  Yard  rooms  has  taken  ; 
Mr.  ColtmsLU  in  Foley  Stt-eet  fits  you  with  wigs, 

In  Hog  Lane  you  call  upon  Bacon. 
Old  Homer,  in  Greek  Street,  sells  barrels  and  staves 

While  Pope  in  Cross  Lane  is  a  baker ; 
In  Liqiiorpond  Street  Mr.  Drinktcater  shaves. 

In  Cow  Lane  lives  A.  I'eal,  undertaker  ! 

My  jumbles  and  jingles  I've  now  written  down, 

And  if  for  their  meaning  you  tease  me — 
That  they  really  have  none  I  must  candidly  own. 

And  silence  will  therefore  best  please  me. 
If  not  witty,  nor  curious,  they'll  answer,  I  ween, 

To  get  me  "  ask' d  out  "  by  great  ninnies — 
And  out  of  the  firm  of  some  new  magazine 

Procure  me  a  couple  of  guineas.      [37] 


60  :!Engli6b  mit  anD  Ibumor 

Prevention— in  This  Case— The  Next  Best  Thing 
to    Cure 

A  young  man  was  found  tricking  at  cards,  and  the 
players  pitched  him  out  at  a  first  floor  window. 
Being  picked  up  by  a  friend,  he  blustered  a  good 
deal  and  said  :  "What  would  you  advise  me  to  do 
under  the  circumstances  ?  " 

"  Not  play  cards  again  except  on  the  ground  floor," 
replied  the  candid  friend. 

A    Cautious  Referee 

When  John  Reeve  was  playing  Bombasies  at  Bristol, 
upon  being  stabbed  by  Artixommous  he  denied  the 
fairness  of  the  thrust,  and  appealing  to  the  pit,  said, 
"It  is  not  fair,  is  it?"  A  bald-headed  gentleman, 
who,  probably,  took  the  whole  representation  to  be 
serious,  and  to  whom  Reeve  directed  his  glance, 
replied,  "  Really,  sir,  I  cannot  say,  for  I  don't  fence." 

Calvinists  and  Tigers 

"And,  pray,  Mr.  S ,"  said  one  of  his  fellow-colle- 
gians to  a  leader  of  a  religious  sect  in  one  of  our 
universities,  "  pray,  let  me  inquire  what  is  it  that  you 
call  yourself?  " 

"  I,  sir,  I  ?  Why,  sir,  I  call  myself  a  moderate 
Calvinist.''''  « 

"Then,  sir,  let  me  tell  you,"  replied  the  querist, 
"  that  you  might  just  as  well  call  yourself  a  tame 
tiger,'''' 

When  an  Antagonist  is  Agreeable 

We  are  never  so  well  pleased  with  an  antagonist,  as 
when  he  makes  an  objection  to  which  we  are  proyided 
with  a  good  answer. 

Top  and  Bottom 

The  following  playful  colloquy  in  verse  took  place 
at  a  dinner  table  between  Sir  George  Rose  and  James 
Smith,  in  allusion  to  Craven  Street,  Strand,  where  he 
resided : 


Bno'iisb  TXlit  anO  "Ibumoc  61 

James  Smith  : 

"At  the  top  of  my  street,  the  attorneys  abound, 
And  down  at  the  bottom  the  barges  are  found  : 
Fly,  honesty,  fly,  to  some  safer  retreat, 
For  there's  craft    in  the   river,   and   craft    in   the 
street." 

Sir  G.  Rose  : 

"  Why  should  honesty  fly  to  some  safer  retreats 
From  attorneys  and  barges,  'od  rot  'em? 
For  the  lawyers  are  just  at  the  top  of  the  street,- 
And  the  barges  a.rejusl  at  the  bottom." 

A  Day  After  "  The  Fair" 
Collins,  the  poet,  was  never  a  lover,  and  never 
married.  His  odes,  with  all  their  exquisite  fancy  and 
splendid  imagery,  have  not  much  interest  in  their  sub- 
jects, and  no  pathos  derived  from  feeling  or  passion. 
He  is  reported  to  have  been  once  in  love,  and  as  the 
lady  was  a  day  older  than  himself,  he  used  to  say 
jestingly,  that  he  "  came  into  the  world  a  day  after 
the  fair." 

My  Wife's  Diary 
Know,  Punch,  I  am  a  married  man  !  Yesterday  I 
found  a  little  note-book  in  the  passage.  It  turned  out, 
on  inspection,  to  be  my  wife's  ;  and  to  contain, — what 
think  you? — a  journal,  which  that  woman  has  been 
keeping,  I  daresay,  ever  since  our  marriage.  The 
ensuing  is  an  extract  therefrom.  Punch,  you  are  a 
gentleman  ;  and  therefore,  I  hope  you  will  insert  it. 
If  you  were  a  lady,  indeed,  I  imagine  you  hardly 
would  ;  besides,  I  should  wish  no  lady  to  take  a  leaf 
out  of  my  wife's  book.  Here,  however,  sir,  is  one  at 
your  service  : 

Sunday. — Charles  out  late  last  night  ;  not  up  this 
morning  till  ticelve ;  breakfast  not  over  till  one. 
Wished  particularly  to  go  to  church  ;  my  new  lilac 
bonnet  with  pink  trimmings  came  home  yesterday. 
Couldn't  go,  of  course.  The  Walkers  and  the  Hutch- 
inses  there,  and  all!  Very  angry  with  Charles; 
wouldn't /a//^  to  him  at   dinner;  went   up   afterwards 


62  jewQlieb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

into  the  dressing-room,  and  there  sat  by  myself. 
VV^hen  I  came  down  again,  found  him  smoking  and 
reading  the  paper.  That  Edwards  called  this  eve- 
ning. Knew  Charles  would  ask  him  to  stay  to  supper. 
Slipped  out  directly  after  iea  ;  locked  the  larder,  took 
the  key  of  the  cellar,  and  went  to  bed ;  hoped  they 
were  comfortable  ! 

Monday. — Charles  very  cross  this  morning,  about 
last  night;  but  coaxed  him  over,  and  made  him 
promise  me  that  dear  shaivl.  Paid  for  week'' s  house- 
keep.  Mem. — to  get  those  open-work  stockings. — 
Charles  out  at  half-past  ten.  Mrs.  Saunders  called. 
How  well  she  manages  Saunders  !  Mem. — not  to  for- 
get her  hint  about  the  save  in  sugar. — Charles  home 
again  for  a  wonder,  at  four  ;  said  he  had  been  for  a 
walk  with  Bradshaw.  Steaks  for  dinner.  Charles 
never  asked  me  what  cut  I  would  like  ;  contradicted 
me  about  the  horse-radish,  when  I  knew  I  was  right  ; 
and  would  eat  spring  onions  with  his  cream-cheese 
when  I  told  him  not. 

Tuesday. — Charles  up  in  his  little  room,  writing,  all 
the  day.  Went  out  shopping  with  Susan  and  the 
baby.  Ordered  the  brown  sugar  instead  of  the  lump, 
and  put  by  the  dii^erence  for  sundries.  Got  the  dear 
shawl.  Met  the  Wellses,  and  heard  that  Mr.  Charles 
was  seen  ^^esterday  at  the  Pantheon  ;  what  did  he 
want  there  I  should  like  to  know.  {Mem. — to  Jind 
out.) — After  dinner  (shoulder  of  mutton),  Charles 
reading.  Baby  cried.  Charles  wanted  it  sent  up- 
stairs ;  how  ve7y  unreasonable  !  the  poor  dear  was 
teething — wouldn't  hear  of  such  a  thing.  Charles 
went  out  in  a  tiff,  and  never  came  home  again  till  tzco 
in  the  morning.  Said  he  had  been  kept  up  talking 
over  business.  Business,  indeed  !  His  eyes  were  so 
red,  and  he  smelt  so  dreadfully  of  cigars  !  The  cold 
shoulder  of  mutton  iox  you,  sir,  to-morroiu  ! 

Wednesday.  —  My  lord  wanted  soda-water  this 
morning.  In  his  tantrums  at  breakfast,  because  there 
were  no  bloaters — went  out  directly  after.  Asked  him 
if  he  was  going  to  the  Pantheon  ? — took  no  notice. 


£mix3b  vmn  anD  Ibumoc  63 

Oh,  I  am  afraid  he's  very  sly  !  Ordered  the  cold 
shoulder  and  «o  rice-pudding,  to-day  ;  bought  the 
stockings.  Home  came  Charles  to  dinner  witii  a 
friend  ;  so  vexed  about  the  bill  of  fare.  Serves  him 
right  ! 

Thursday. — Charles  away  again  early ;  told  me 
not  to  wait  for  him.  Nice  lamb  chops,  a/l  alone,  at 
two.  Charles  back  at  half-past  twelve;  sa.w  a.  p/av- 
fill  hanging  out  of  his  pocket  ;  and  ta.xed  him,  when 
le  admitted  he  had  been  to  Drury  Lane.  Why 
couldn't  he  have  taken  me  ? 

Friday. — He  wanted  half-a-dozen  pocket-handker- 
chiefs, and  gave  vie  the  money  to  buy  them.  Got  him 
four — quite  enough  for  him.  Bought  a  nice  cardinal. 
Saw  such  a  love  of  a  work-box  in  a  shop  in  Regent 
Street — five  guineas  !  Oh  !  how  my  fingers  itched  for 
it.  Charles  this  afternoon  in  a  good  humor  ;  gave 
him  a  broad  hint  about  the  n'ork-box.     I  shall  get  it. 

Saturd.\y.— Charles  scolding  this  morning  about 
his  zt'rist-batids,  which  had  no  buUons.  Sewed  them 
on  myself,  and  pacified  him.  Asked  him  if  he  would 
like  to  c?/«^  oz^/ to-day  ;  said  "  No."  Wow  provoking! 
for  I  wanted  to  spend  the  day  at  Mrs.  Hopkin's.  Had 
a  few  words  about  the  mutton,  whether  it  should  be 
boiled  or  roast;  but  thought  it  best  to  give  ivay.  Sur- 
prised him  at  dinner  with  College  dumplings — my  own 
making.  Mixed  him  a  nice  glass  of  brandy  and  water 
afterwards.     Got  the  work-box  ! 

There.  Punch,  I  am  already  your  debtor  for  many 
3  good  joke  ;  increase  the  obligation  by  one  more — 
that  of  letting  me  show  my  wife  the  above  in  print. 
I  am,  etc.,  Benedictus. 

Contents  of  a  Kitchen  Table  Drawer 

Three  aprons,  two  dusters,  the  face  of  a  pig, 
A  dirty  jack-towel,  a  dish-clout,  a  wig; 
The  foot  of  a  stocking,  three  caps  and  a  frill, 
A  busk  and  six  buttons,  mouse-trap  and  quill ; 
A  comb,  and  a  thimble,  with  Madonna  bands, 
A  box  of  specific  for  chaps  on  the  hands  ; 
Some  mace  and  some  cloves  tied  up  in  a  raj& 


64  JBnQlisb  "Mil  anD  'fijumoc 

An  empty  thread  paper,  and  blue  in  a  bag ; 

Some  pieces  of  ribbon  both  greasy  and  black, 

A  grater  and  nutmeg,  the  key  of  the  jack ; 

An  inch  of  wax  candle,  a  steel  and  a  flint, 

A  bundle  of  matches,  a  parcel  of  mint ; 

A  lump  of  old  suet,  a  crimp  for  the  paste, 

A  pair  of  red  garters,  a  belt  for  the  waist ; 

A  rusty  bent  skewer,  a  broken  brass  cock  ; 

Some  onions  and  tinder  both  with  the  drawer  lock ; 

A  bag  for  the  pudding,  a  whet-stone  and  string, 

A  penny  cross  bun,  and  a  new  curtain  ring; 

A  print  for  the  butter,  a  dirty  chemise, 

Two  pieces  of  soap,  and  a  large  slice  of  cheese; 

Two  teaspoons  of  lead,  a  large  lump  of  rosin, 

The  feet  of  a  hare,  and  corks  by  the  dozen  ; 

A  card  to  tell  fortunes,  a  sponge  and  a  can, 

A  pen  without  ink,  and  a  small  patty  pan ; 

A  rolling  pin  pasted,  a  common  prayer  book. 

Were  the  things  which  I  found  in  the  drawer  of  a  cook. 

Literary  Curiosity 

A  literary  Frenchman,  being  in  company  with  the 
celebrated  Dr.  Wall  is,  was  boasting  of  the  superiority 
of  the  French  language  with  regard  to  euphony,  and 
challenged  the  doctor  to  produce  anything  in  English 
to  equal  the  following  lines  : 
"  Quand  un  cordier,  cordant,  veult  corder  une  corde, 

Pour  sa  corde  corder,  trois  cordons  il  accorde ; 

Mois  si  un  des  cordons  de  la  corde  descorde. 

Le  cordon  descordant  fait  descorder  la  corde." 

The  doctor,  with  promptitude,  immediately  trans- 
lated  the  very  words  into  English,  only  substituting 
for  the  French  word  corde  the  pure  English  word 
tu'ist.  The  reader  will  find  that  the  first  four  of  the 
following  lines  exactly  correspond  with  those  of  the 
Frenchman  ;  the  next  four  were  added  by  the  doctor 
by  way  of  completing  the  triumph.  The  remaining 
lines  were  not  written  till  some  time  after.  Dr. 
Johnson  was  so  pleased  with  the  above  anecdote  that 
he  gave  the  whole  twelve  lines  in  his  folio  dictionary, 
to  show  into  how  many  meanings  and  bearings  the 
words  twist  and  twister  may  be  twisted  : 


Bmiieb  TiUit  anO  Ijumor  65 

When  a  twister,  a-twisting  will  twist  him  a  twist, 
For  the  twisting   his  twist  he  three  twines  doth 
entwist  ; 

But  if  one  of  the  twists  of  the  twist  he  doth  untwist, 
The  twine  that  untwisteth  untwisteth  the  twist. 

Untwirling  the  twine  that  entwisteth  between 
He  twirls  with  his  twister  the  two  in  a  twine  ; 

Then  twice  having  twisted  the  twines  of  the  twine 
He  twisteth  the  twine  he  had  twined  in  twain. 

The  twine  that  in  twining  before  in  the  twine, 

As  twines  were  untwisted,  he  now  doth  untwine  ; 

Twixt  the  twain  intertwisting  a  twine  more  between, 
He,  twirling  his  twister,  makes  twist  of  the  twane." 

In  Return  for  a  Brace  of  Birds 

{An   iynpromphi.) 
My  thanks  I'll  no  longer  delay, 

For  birds  which  you  shot  with  such  skill  ; 
But  though  there  was  nothing  to  pay. 

Yet  each  of  them  brought  in  his  bill. 

I  mean  not,  my  friend,  to  complain, 

The  matter  was  perfectly  right, 
But  when  bills  such  as  these  come  again, 

I'll  always  accept  them  at  sight. 

Elegy  by  a  Schoolboy 

How  blest  was  I  at  Dobson's  ball. 

The  fiddlers  come,  my  partner's  chosen  ; 

My  oranges  were  five  in  all, 

Alas  I — they  were  not  half-a-dozen. 

For  soon  a  richer  rival  came, 

And  soon  the  bargain  w^as  concluded  ; 

My  Pegg>'  took  him  without  shame. 
And  left  me  hopeless  and  deluded. 

To  leave  me  for  one  orange. 

Could  not  your  pockets  full  content  ye  ? 
What  could  ye  do  with  all  that  store? 

He  had  but  six — and  five  were  plenty  ! 


66  lEnQlisb  Mit  anD  Ibumoc 

And  mine  were  biggest,  I  protest, 

For  some  of  his  were  only  penny  ones  ; 

While  mine  were  all  the  very  best. 

And  juicy,  large — and  sweet  as  any  one's  ! 

Could  I  have  thought,  ye  beaux  and  belles, 
An  orange  would  have  so  undone  me — 

Or  anything  the  grocer  sells, 

Could  move  my  fair  one  thus  to  shun  me? 

All  night  I  sat  in  fix'd  disdain. 

While  hornpipes  numberless  were  hobbled  ; 
I  watch' d  my  mistress  and  her  swain, 

And  saw  his  paltry  present  gobbled. 

But  when  the  country  dance  was  call'd, 
I  could  have  cried  with  pure  vexation, 

For  by  the  arms  I  saw  her  haul'd. 
And  led  triumphant  to  her  station. 

What  other  could  I  think  to  take  ? 

Of  ail  the  school  she  was  the  tallest ; 
What  choice  worth  making  could  I  make. 

None  left  me  but  the  very  smallest  ? 

But  now,  all  thoughts  of  her  adieu, 
This  is  no  time  for  such  diversion, 

Mair* s  Introduction  lies  in  view 

And  I  must  write  my  Latin  version. 

Yet  all  who  that  way  are  inclined. 

This  lesson  learn  from  xny  undoing, 
Unless  your  pockets  are  well-lined, 
Tis  labor  lost  to  go  a-wooing. 

Ludicrous  Blunders 
General  knowledge  is  unquestionably  necessary  for 
the  lawyer.  Ludicrous  mistakes  have  frequently 
occurred  through  the  deficiencies  of  some  in  this 
respect.  A  story  is  told  of  a  barrister  examining  a 
witness  in  a  trial,  the  subject  of  which  was  a  ship. 
Among  other  questions,  he  asked  where  the  ship 
was  at  a  particular  time.  "  Oh  !  "  replied  the  witness, 
"  the  ship  was  then  in  quarantine."  "  In  Quarantine, 
was  she?     And  i)ray,  sir,  zvhere  is  Quarantine?" 


jenfllisb  XUit  anD  Ibumor  h7 

Another  instance  given  by  Mr.  Chitty,  of  the  value 
of  general  knowledge  to  the  lawyer,  is  worth  citing. 
It  is  w^ell-known  that  a  judge  was  so  entirely  ignorant 
of  insurance  causes,  that,  after  having  been  occupied 
for  six  hours  in  tr>'ing  an  action  on  a  policy  of  insur- 
ance upon  goods  (Russia  duck)  from  Russia,  he,  in 
his  address  to  the  jury,  complained  that  no  evidence 
had  been  given  to  show  how  Russia  ducks  (mistaking 
the  cloth  of  that  name  for  the  bird)  could  be  damaged 
by  sea  water  and  to  what  extent. 

"Abstract"  and  "  Concrete" 

"I  believe  you  arc-  right,"  said  an  old  gentleman, 
"  so  far  as  the  abstract  is  concerned  ;  but — " 

Just  then  he  slipped  and  struck  his  head  against 
the  asphalt  pavement. 

"But,"  he  continued,  as  he  got  up,  "I  don't  care 
to  discuss  the  matter  in  concrete." 

Poetry  and  Prose 

John  Foster,  referring  to  a  couple  whom  he  had 
known,  said  that  "their  courtship  was  carried  on  in 
poetry.  Alas  !  many  an  enamored  pair  have  courted 
in  poetry,  and  after  marriage  lived  in  prosed  As 
Colton  says,  "  Marriage  is  a  feast  where  the  grace  is 
sometimes  better  than  the  dinner." 

A  Good  Representative 

The  late  Sir  Henry  Smith,  longM.  P.  for  Colchester, 
was  one  of  the  Tories  of  the  old  school  ;  and  among 
the  advocates  of  Reform,  his  resolute  opposition  to  all 
change  gave  him  a  reputation  for  folly  and  obstinacy 
which  was  not  borne  out  by  his  real  character. 

On  one  occasion  he  was  canvassing  in  presence  of 
numerous  friends,  and  on  asking  a  heavy-looking 
farmer  for  his  vote,  the  man  replied  :  "  I'd  vote  for 
ye,  Sir  Henry,  as  usual,  only  you're  such  a  fool." 

"  Fool,  am  I  ?  "  retorted  Sir  Henry  ;  "  then  I'm  the 
very  man  to  represent  you." 

This  diamond  shaft  of  wit  went  to  the  farmer's 
heart,  and  with  a  loud  gufifaw  he  promised  his  vote. 


68  Enali^b  IHlit  auD  Ibumor 

Political  Ophthalmia  and  Its  Cau^e 
"  I  wonder  what  makes  my  eyes  so  weak,"  said  an 
ultra- Radical  to  Mr.  Disraeli.      "Why.   they  are   in  a 
weak  place,"  said  the  latter. 

"Half  and  Half" 

Writing  lines  is  the  penance  Harrow  boys  do  for  all 
their  sins,  in  and  out  of  school.  If  a  boy  is  late  for 
school,  he  writes  lines;  if  he  misses  "bill,"  he  writes 
lines.  If  the  lines  are  not  finished  in  a  stated  time, 
their  number  is  doubled. 

There  was  one  clever  boy  who  escaped  writing  half 
the  ordered  quantity  ;  and  the  masters  tell  the  story 
of  how  he  did  it  to  this  day.  He  was  an  untidy  boy, 
and  was  often  taken  to  task  for  his  carelessness  and 
disorder.  One  day  his  master,  who  had  very  digni- 
fied and  impressive  manners,  and  who  always  said 
"we,"  instead  of  "you,"  when  talking  to  the  boys, 
found  occasion  to  reprove  him. 

"  We  do  not  look  very  clean,"  he  said  with  much 
severity.  "  We  have  not  washed  our  hands  this 
morning.     Have  we?  " 

"  I  don't  know  about  yoiirs,"  was  the  impudent 
boy's  answer;   "but  I've  washed  mine." 

"Ah!"  said  the  master,  "we  are  very  impudent 
to-day.  We  will  have  to  write  a  hundred  lines  before 
the  next  '  bill.'  " 

When  "  bill '  time  came,  the  master  sent  for  the 
boy.     "  Have  we  written  our  lines?  "  he  asked. 

"  I've  written  my  fifty,"  the  boy  answered  very 
promptly,  "  handing  in  his  paper  ;  "  but  I  don't  know 
whether  you've  done  3'our  half  !  " 

The  Plural  of  Egal 

Gustav  Masson,  the  late  genial  French  Master  of 
Harrow  School,  once  told  me  tliiit  he  asked  one  of  his 
class  one  day  the  following  question  : 

"What  is  the  plural  of  e,^al?'' 

The  boy  addressed  looked  niischievously  at  his  tutor 
— whose  good  nature  every  Harrow  boy  could  depend 
on — and  with  eyes  sparkling  with  merriment  said  : 

"  Two  gals."      [20] 


Bnalisb  IKlit  anO  Ibumoc  69 

A  Searching  Question 

The  two  celebrated  divines  and  srholars.  Drs. 
South  and  Sherlock,  were  once  disputing  on  some 
religious  subject,  when  the  latter  accused  his  opponent 
of  using  his  wit  \n  the  controversy.  "Well,"  said 
South,  "  suppose  it  had  pleased  God  to  give  you  wit, 
what  would  you  have  done  ?  "      [i  i] 

Gallant  Wit 

"  Mr.  Smith,"  said  a  beautiful  young  lady  walking  in 
the  garden  ;  "  I  fear  I  shall  never  bring  this  pea  to 
perfection."  "Then  permit  me,"  said  Sydney 
Smith,  taking  her  by  the  hand,  "to  lead  perfection  to 
the  pea."      [3] 

The  Mud-fish 
By  an  indigyiant  Tory  Footman. 

"The  mud-fish  at  the  Crystal  Palace  escaped  from 
his  tank,  and  could  not  be  found.  The  other  day  he 
was  discovered  in  the  marble  canal,  under  a  fountain, 
where  he  had  been  amusing  himself  by  eating  the  gold 
fish  and  doubling  his  size," — Daily  Paper. 

In  Sir  Joseph's  marble  dishes 
Cuts  about  them  golden  fishes. 
All  their  life  in  splendor  passes — 
Them's,  you  see,  Us  Hupper  Classes. 

From  his  tank,  while  folks  is  sleeping, 
Comes  the  nasty  Mud-fish  leaping, 
With  no  end  of  spite  toward  us — 
That's,  you  see,  the  Lower  Horders. 

Up  and  down  our  basin  scouring, 

All  his  betters  he's  devoring, 
Gorging  till  he  gets  enormous — 
Just  as  would  them  low  Reformers. 

Moral  struck  me  when  I  seed  'em  : 
Don't  give  low  folks  too  much  freedom  : 
Gold-fish  lives  on  this  here  basis  ; — 
Keep  the  Mud-fish  in  their  places,     [i] 


70  J6u0li6b  IClit  auD  Ibumoc 

Putney  Bridge  in  Olden  Time 
Hook's  residence  al  Putney  afforded  occasion  for 
the  delivery  of  one  of  his  best  bon  viols.  A  friend, 
viewing  Putney  bridge  from  the  little  terrace  that 
overhung  the  Thames,  observed  that  he  had  been 
informed  that  it  was  a  very  good  investment,  and, 
turning  to  his  host,  inquired  "  if  such  was  the  easc^ — 
if  the  bridge  really  answered  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  Theodore,  "  but  you  have 
only  to  cross  it,  and  you  are  sure  to  be  tolled.^'      [sSj 

Why  He  Wouldn't  Buy  Hadyn's  Music 

As  Haydn  was  amusing  himself  one  morning  in 
shopping,  he  inquired  of  the  music^seller  if  he  had 
any  select  and  beautiful  music. 

"Certainly,"  replied  the  shopman,  "I  have  just 
printed  some  sublime  music  of  Haydn's." 

"Oh,"  returned  Haj'dn,  ''I'll  have  nothing  to  do 
with  that." 

"How,  sir!  you  will  have  nothing  to  do  with 
Haydn's  nmsic  ;  and  pray,  what  fault  have  you  to 
find  with  it  ?  " 

"  Oh,  plenty  ;  but  it's  useless  talking  about  it  since 
it  does  not  suit  me  ;  show  me  some  other." 

The  music-seller,  w-ho  was  a  warm  Haydnist, 
replied,  "No,  sir;  I  have  music,  it  is  true,  but  not 
for  such  as  you  ;  "  and  turned  his  back  upon  him. 

As  Haydn  was  going  away,  smiling,  a  gentleman 
of  his  acquaintance  entered,  and  accosted  him  by 
name.  The  music-seller,  still  out  of  humor,  turned 
round  at  the  name,  and  said  to  the  person  who  had 
just  entered  the  shop,  "  Haydn  !  ay,  here's  a  fellow 
who  says  he  doesn't  like  that  great  man's  music." 

The  Englishman  laughed,  an  explanation  took 
place,  and  the  nmsic-seller  was  for  the  future 
acquainted  with  the  man  who  found  fault  with 
Haydn's  music. 

Lord    North's  Drollery 
A  few  only  of  Lord  North's  sayings  have  reached 
us,  and  these,  as  might  be  expected,  are  rather  things 
of  which  he  had  chanced  to  coat  over  with  some  sar- 


Bnglisb  "liUit  an&  "Ibumcr  71 

casm  or  epigram  that  tended  to  preserve  them  ;  they 
consequently  are  far  from  giving  an  idea  of  his  habit- 
ual pleasantry  and  the  gaiety  of  thought  which  gen- 
erally pervaded  his  speeches.  Thus — when  a  vehe- 
ment speaker  on  his  own  side  disclaimed  him,  calling 
aloud  for  his  head,  turned  round  and  perceived  his 
victim  unconsciously  indulging  in  a  soft  slumber,  and, 
becoming  still  more  exasperated,  denounced  the 
Minister  for  being  capable  of  sleeping  while  he  ruined 
the  country — the  latter  only  complained  how  cruel  it 
was  to  be  denied  the  solace  which  other  criminals 
generally  enjoyed — that  of  having  a  night's  rest  before 
their  fate. 


When  surprised  in  a  like  indulgence  during  the 
]>erformance  of  a  very  inferior  artist,  who,  however, 
showed  equal  indignation  at  so  ill-timed  a  recreation, 
he  contented  himself  by  observing  how  hard  it  was 
that  he  should  be  grudged  a  very  natural  release 
from  considerable  suffering ;  but,  as  if  recollecting 
himself,  added,  that  it  was  unjust  in  the  gentleman  to 
complain  of  him  for  taking  the  remedy  which  he  had 
himself  been  ronsiderate  enough  to  administer. 


The  same  good  humor  and  drollery  quitted  him 
not  when  in  opposition.  On  Mr.  Martin's  proposal 
to  have  a  starling  placed  near  the  chair  and  taught  to 
repeat  the  cry  of  "  Infamous  Coalition  !  "  Lord  North 
cooly  suggested,  that,  as  long  as  the  worthy  member 
was  preserved  to  them,  it  would  be  a  needless  waste 
of  public  money,  since  the  starling  might  well  per- 
form his  office  by  deputy. 

"Shaving"  Them  Both 

A  barber  having  come  up  to  poll  at  the  hustings  at 
a  Berwick  election,  one  of  the  candidates,  with  evident 
marks  of  disappointment,  asked,  "  What !  did  you  not 
shave  me  this  morning?  " 

"Yes,"  answered  the  barber,  "but  I  have  shaved 
Mr.  (meaning  the  opposing  candidate)  since." 


72  Bncilisb  Tliait  anD  tbumot 

Maiden  Speech  in  the  House  o.  Commons 

A  youn;^:  but  ainbitious  M.  P.  having  long  resolved 
upon  attempting  some  speech  which  should  astonish 
the  House,  at  last  rose  solemnly,  and,  after  three  loud 
hems,  spoke  as  follows  : 

"  Mr.  Speaker :  Have  we  laws,  or  have  we  not 
laws?  If  we  have  laws,  and  they  are  not  observed, 
to  what  end  were  those  laws  made?" 

So  saying  he  sat  down,  his  chest  heaving  high  with 
conscious  consequence  ;  when  another  member  rose, 
and  delivered  his  thoughts  in  these  words  : 

"  Mr.  Speaker  :  Did  the  honorable  gentleman  who 
spoke  last,  speak  to  the  purpose,  or  not  to  the  pur- 
pose ?  If  he  did  not  speak  to  the  purpose,  to  what 
purpose  did  he  speak  ?  ' ' 

It  is  needless  to  describe  the  roar  of  laughter  with 
which  the  House  was  instantly  shaken,  or  to  say  that 
the  orator  never  spoke  again  in  that  place. 

Quin  and  the  Coxcomb 

Quin  one  day  complaining  of  his  old  age  and 
infirmities,  in  the  public  rooms  at  Bath,  a  pert  young 
coxcomb  asked,  "  What  would  you  give  to  be  as 
young  as  I  am  ?  " 

"  I  do  not  know,"  said  Quin,  measuring  him  very 
contemptuously,  "  but  I  should  be  almost  content  to 
be  as  foolish." 

Very  Small  for  its  Age 

Foote,  being  at  a  nobleman's  house,  his  lordship, 
as  soon  as  dinner  was  over,  ordered  a  bottle  of  Cape 
to  be  set  on  the  table,  which,  after  magnifying  its 
good  qualities,  and  in  particular  its  age,  he  sent  round 
the  table  in  glasses  that  scarcely  held  a  thimbleful. 

••  Fine  wine,  upon  my  soul,"  says  the  wit,  tasting, 
and  smacking  his  lips. 

•'  Is  it  not  very  curious  !  "  says  his  lordship. 

"  Perfectly  so,  indeed,"  says  the  other;  "  I  do  not 
remember  to  have  seen  anything  so  little  of  its  age  in 
mv  life  before." 


jBrxQlisb  XClit  an5  Ibumor  73 

Accounting  for  His  Baldness 

The  late  Duke  of  York  once  remarked  to  Colonel 

W at    the    mess  of   the   nth    regiment,  that  the 

colonel  was  uncommonly  bald,  and,  although  a 
younger  man  than  his  royal  highness,  he  stood  in 
more  need  of  a  wig.  The  colonel  who  had  been  of 
very  long  standing  in  the  service,  and  whose  promo- 
tion had  been  by  no  means  rapid,  informed  his  royal 
highness  that  this  could  be  very  easily  accounted  for. 

"In  what  manner?"  asked  his  royal  highness, 
rather  eagerly. 

"  By  junior  officers  stepping  over  my  head,"  Col- 
onel W replied. 

The  duke  was  so  pleased  with  the  reply,  that  the 
gallant  colonel  obtained  promotion  in  a  few  days 
afterwards. 

Qualification  for  a  Lawyer 

A  barrister  observed  to  a  learned  brother  in  court, 
that  he  thought  his  whiskers  were  very  unprofessional. 
"You  are  right,''  replied  his  friend,  "a  lawyer  can- 
not V>e  too  barefaced." 

Poverty  a  Virtue 

Dr.  R maintained  that  poverty  was  a  virtue. 

"That,"  replied  Canning,  "is  literally  making  a 
virtue  of  necessity.''' 

Qualification  for  Burial  with  Military  Honors 

^[^litary  E.raniiner :  "  What  must  a  man  be  to  be 
ouried  with  military  honors  ?  " 
Rrrrnit :  "  Dead!" 

What  to  do  with  Medicine 

"  Now,  Willie,"  said  a  coaxing  motlit-r,  •  I  don't 
like  to  take  medicine  any  better  than  you  do,  but  I 
just  make  up  my  mind  to  do  it,  and  then  I  do  it." 

The  child  looked  up  through  his  tears  and  replied, 
"  And  mother,  I  just  make  up  my  mind  that  I  won't, 
and  I  don't." 


74  Bnfllisb  "UHit  ariD  Ibumor 

How  to  get  Rid  of  a  Nuisance 
The  Rev.  Mather  Byles  had  a  slough  opposite  his 
house,  in  which,  on  a  certain  wet  day,  a  chaise  con- 
taining two  of  the  town  council  stuck  fast.  Dr.  Byles 
came  to  his  door  and  saluted  the  officials  with  the 
remark  ; 

'*  Gentlemen,  I  have  often  complained  to  you  of  this 
nuisance  without  any  attention  being  paid  to  it,  and 
I  am  very  glad  to  see  you  stirHng  in  this  matter  nozr.-' 

Applying    the  Sermon 

A  renowned  clergyman  once  preached  rather  a  long 
sermon  from  the  text,  "  Thou  are  weighed  in  the 
balance  and  found  wanting."  After  the  congregation 
bad  waited  about  an  hour,  some  began  to  get  weary 
and  went  out  ;  others  soon  followed,  greatly  to  the 
annoyance  of  the  minister.  Another  person  started, 
whereupon  the  pars<ji\  stopped  in  his  sermon  and 
said  :  "  That's  right,  gentlemen.  As  fast  as  you  are 
weighed,  pass  out." 

A  Chat  on  Blindness 

Dean  Covvper,  of  Durham,  who  was  very  economical 
with  his  wine,  descanting  one  day  on  the  extraordinary 
performance  of  a  man  who  was  blind,  he  remarked 
that  the  poor  fellow  could  see  no  more  than  "  that 
bottle." 

"  I  do  not  wonder  at  it  all,  sir,"  said  a  minor  canon 
at  the  table,  "for  we  have  seen  no  more  than  that 
bottle  all  the  afternoon." 

Glad  that  his  Rent  was  to  be  Raised 

A  landlord  told  his  tenant  that  he  meant  to  raise 
his  rent.  "  I  am  glad  of  it,  sir,"  said  the  tenant,  "for 
I  cannot  raise  it  myself." 

A  Distinction 

One  day  when  Col  man  and  his  son  were  walking 
from  Soho  Square  to  the  Haymarket,  two  witlings — 
Miles  Peter  Andrews  and  William  Augustus    Miles — 


JEnfilisb  TWit  anC>  Ibumor  75 

were  coming  the  contrary  way,  on  tlie  opposite  sidt- 
of  the  street.  They  had  each  sent  to  Colman  a 
dramatic  manuscript  for  the  summer  theatre,  and 
being  anxious  to  get  the  start  of  each  other,  in  the 
production  of  their  separate  works,  they  both  called 
out,  "  Remember,  Colman,  I  am  first  oar."  "  Humph," 
muttered  the  manager,  as  they  passed  on,  "they  may 
talk  about  first  oars,  but  they  have  not  a  skull 
between  them." 

This  reminds  one  of  a  witticism  of  Douglas 
Jerrold's  :  Two  conceited  young  authors  were  boast- 
ing that  they  rowed  in  the  same  boat  with  a  celebrated 
wit  of  the  day, — "  Ay,"  replied  Jerrold,  "  but  not  with 
the  same  skulls." 

Boaz  and  Ruth 

A  Sunday-school  teacher  was  giving  a  lesson  on 
Ruth.  She  wanted  to  bring  out  the  kindness  of  Boaz 
in  commanding  the  reapers  to  drop  large  handfuls  of 
barley. 

•'Now,  children,"  she  said,  "Boaz  did  another 
very  nice  thing  for  Ruth  ;  can  you  tell  me  what  it 
was?  " 

"  Married  her  !  "  yelled  one  of  the  boys. 

Why  They  were  Out  of  Spirits 

The  elder  Matthews  one  d.iv  arrived  at  a  forlorn 
country  inn,  and  addressing  a  lugubrious  waiter, 
enquired  if  he  could  have  a  chicken  and  asparagus. 
The  mysterious  serving-man  shook  his  head. 

•'  Can  I  have  a  duck,  then  ?  " 

•  No,  sir." 

•  Have  you  any  mutton  chops  ?  " 
'•  Not  one,  sir." 

"  Then,  as  you  have  no  eatables,  bring  me  some- 
thing to  drink.     Have  you  any  spirits  ?  " 

•'  Sir,"  replied  the  man,  with  a  profound  sigh,  "  we 
arc  out  of  spirits." 

■  Then,  in  wonder's  name,  what  have  you  got  in  the 
house?  " 

"  An  execution,  sir,"  answered  the  waiter. 


76  Bnolisb  lUlit  anD  Ibumot 

Unused  Possessions 

Pithy  enough  was  the  reply  of  the  avaricious  old 
man,  who,  being  asked  by  a  nobleman  of  doubtful 
courage  what  pleasure  he  found  in  amassing  riches 
which  he  never  used,  answered  :  "  Much  the  same 
that  your  lordship  has  in  wearing  a  sword." 

Doing  Credit  to  His  Teacher 

A  lawyer  and  his  clerk  riding  on  the  road,  the  clerk 
desired  to  know  what  was  the  chief  point  of  the  law. 
His  master  said  if  he  would  promise  to  pay  for  their 
suppers  that  night  he  would  tell  him,  which  he 
agreed  to. 

"  Why,  then,"  said  the  master,  "  good  witnesses  are 
the  chief  points  in  law." 

When  he  came  to  the  inn  the  master  bespoke  a 
couple  of  fowls  for  supper,  and  when  they  had  supped, 
told  the  clerk  to  pay  for  them  according  to  agreement. 

"  Oh,  sir,"  said  he,  "  where  is  your  good  witness  ?  " 

An  Unanswerable  Argument  against  Bigamy 

At  one  of  the  schools  in  Cornwall,  the  inspector 
asked  the  children  if  they  could  quote  any  text  of 
Scripture  which  forbade  a  man  having  two  wives. 
One  of  the  children  sagely  quoted  in  reply  the  text, 
"  No  man  can  serve  two  masters." 

Preventing  the  Scapegrace  from  Sharing  in  the 
Wi.l 

"  Now,  Mr.  Lawyer,"'  said  the  dying  man,  '■  I  want 
you  to  settle  it  in  my  will  so  that  my  son  Joe  won't 
i;et  a  shilling.  He  is  a  worthless  fellow,  and  will 
sjiend  his  money  in  a  week." 

"Oh,  that's  all  right,"  said  the  lawyer,  politely, 
"  I'll  take  care  of  that.  I'll  see  that  he  doesn't  get 
anything."  And  he  didn't.  Neither  did  anybody 
else. 

How  to  Eat  Pine-Apple 

The  following  story  is  told  of  a  Conservative  M.  P., 
who,  wishing  to  conciliate  an  old  captain  of  a  mine,  a 
voter,  sent  him  a  splendid  pine-apple  from  his  hot- 
house. 


BngUsb  "CUit  anO  tbumor  77 

"I  hope  you  liked  it,"  he  said  to  the  old  man, 
when  he  met  him  a  few  days  afterwards. 

"  Well,  yes,  thankee,  pretty  well.  But  I  supp>ose 
we  sort  of  people  are  not  used  to  them  fine  things, 
and  don't  know  how  to  eat  'em." 

"  How  did  you  eat  it,  then  ?"  asked  the  M.  P. 

''  Well,"  said  the  old  man,  "  we  boiled  'im." 

"Boiled  it?"  sighed  the  M.  P.  in  horror,  thinking 
of  his  pine-apple. 

"  Yes,  we  boiled  'im  with  a  leg  of  nmtton." 

Making  the  Most  cf  the  Situation 

A  man  was  asked  by  another,  with  whom  he  was 
not  on  the  best  of  terms,  where  he  had  taken  up  his 
abode. 

"  Oh,"  he  replied,  "  I  am  living  by  the  canal  at 
present.  I  should  be  delighted  if  you  would  drop  in 
some  evening." 

Making  Free  with  a  Judge's  Character  and  Office 

Some  few  years  ago  a  culprit  was  tried  in  a  mayor's 
court  for  an  offence,  and  though  he  seemed  undoubt- 
edly guilty,  his  worship  recommended  the  offender  to 
the  jury,  on  account  of  his  good  character.  After 
some  deliberation,  the  foreman  got  up  and  thus 
addressed  the  mayor  :  "  May  it  please  your  worship- 
ful, we  find  the  prisoner  guilty,  but,  in  countenance 
of  your  worship's  exceptionable  good  character,  we 
acquit  him." 

A  Little  Girl's  Idea  of  "  Cash  " 

A  little  five-year  old,  after  shopping  with  her  mother 
at  leading  drapery  shops,  remarked,  "  Seems  to  me 
there  are  a  good  many  boys  named  '  Cash.'  " 

A  Distinction  and  a  Difference 

"  Were  you  never  in  a  court  of  justice  before?" 
asked  a  judge  of  a  witness  who  was  conducting  him- 
self in  a  very  unseemly  manner. 

"No.  never,"  replied  the  man;  "but  I've  often 
been  before  the  magistrates." 


78  Englisb  "Mit  anD  Dumoc 

Two  Boys'  "  Tall  "  Talk 
Tom  :  "  My  father's  so  tall   he   can  look  over  the 
garden  wall." 

Jack:  "  So  can  my  father,  with  his  hat  on." 

One  Example  in  which  a  Translation  is  better  than 
an  Original 
Dryden's  translation  of  Virgil  being  commended 
by  a  right  reverend  bishop  in  the  presence  of  a  very 
witty  earl — "  The  translation  is,  indeed,  excellent," 
said  his  lordship,  "  but  everything  suffers  bv  a  trans- 
lation— except  a  bishop.''' 

The  Cost  of  a  Wife  according  to  Scripture 

A  Quaker  married  a  woman  of  the  Church  of 
England.  After  the  ceremony,  the  vicar  asked  for 
his  fees,  which,  he  said,  were  a  crown.  The  Quaker, 
astonished  at  the  demand,  said  if  he  would  show  him 
any  text  in  the  Scripture  which  proved  his  fees  were 
a  crown,  he  would  give  it  unto  him  ;  upon  which  the 
vicar  directly  turned  to  Proverbs  xii.  verse  4,  where 
it  is  said,  "  A  virtuous  woman  is  a  crown  to  her 
husband." 

"Thou  art  right,"  replied  the  Quaker,  "in  thy 
assertion  ;  Solomon  was  a  wise  man.  Here  are  the 
five  twelvepenny  pieces,  and  something  beside  to  buy 
a  pair  of  gloves." 

Johnson's  Literary  Irony 

Mrs.  B desired  Dr.  Johnson  to  give  his   opinion 

of  a  new  work  she  had  just  written  ;  adding,  that  if 
it  would  not  do,  she  begged  him  to  tell  her,  for  she 
had  other /rc>«.j /«  the  fire,  and  in  case  of  its  not  being 
likely  to  succeed,  she  could  bring  out  something  else. 

"Then,"  said  the  doctor,  after  having  turned  over 
a  few  of  the  leaves,  "  I  advise  you,  madam,  to  put  it 
where  your  other  irons  are." 

Lengthening  His  Name  by  an  Ell 
It   being   proved,   on   a  trial  at   Guildhall,   that    a 
man's  name  was  really   Inch,  who  pretended  that  it 
was  Linck, 


IjnQllsb  IKflit  anD  Ibumor  79 

*'I  see/'said  the  judge,  "theold  proverb  is  verified  in 
this  man,  who  being  allowed  an  Inch,  has  taken  an  L." 

Prophecy  Fulfilled 

One  coming  into  a  cathedral,  where  the  choir  con- 
sisted of  very  bad  voices,  said,  that  the  prophecy  of 
Amos  was   fulfilled  :   "  And   the   songs  of  the  temple 
shall  be  bowlings." 
Politely  Said :  but— Left  Unsaid— Still  More  Polite 

Stevens  (who  died  grave-digger  of  Clerkenwell,  in 
1768,  at  the  age  of  ninet}')  was  once  on  an  examina- 
tion before  one  of  the  courts  in  Westminster  Hall,  rela- 
tive to  some  parochial  affairs,  when,  being  asked  who 
he  was,  he  replied,  "  I  am  grave-digger  of  the  parish 
of  St.  James,  Clerkenwell,  at  your  honor' s  serviced 
Giving  a  Good  Account  of  His  Stewardship 

"  I  cannot  conceive,"  said  one  English  nobleman  to 
another,  "  how  it  is  that  you  manage.  I  am  convinced 
you  are  not  of  a  temper  to  spend  more  than  your 
income,  and  yet  though  your  estate  is  less  than 
mine,  I  could  not  afford  to  live  at  the  rate  you  do." 

"  My  lord,"  said  the  other,  "  I  have  a  place." 

'•  A  place  !  You  amaze  me.  I  never  heard  of  it  till 
now.      Pray  what  place  ?  " 

"  I  am  my  own  stezcard.'' 

The  Sweep  Turning  the  Tables  on  the  Parson 

A  dignified  clergyman,  going  to  his  living  to  spend 
the  summer,  met  near  his  house  a  comical  old  chimney- 
sweeper with  whom  he  used  to  chat. 

''  So,  John,"  said  the  doctor,  "  whence  come  you?  " 

"  From  your  house,  sir,  where  this  morning  I  swept 
all  your  chimneys." 

"  How  many  are  there?  "  said  the  doctor. 

*'  No  less  tiian  twenty,"  quoth  John. 

''  Well,  and  how  much  a  chimney  have  you  ?  " 

"  Only  a  shilling  a-piece,  sir." 

"  Why,  then,"  quoth  the  doctor,  "  you  have  earned 
a  great  deal  of  money  in  a  little  time." 

"Yes,  yes,"  says  John,  throwing  his  bag  over  his 
shoulder,  '•  we  black  coals  get  our  money  easy  enough." 


80  Bnollsb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

Probably  Money-hunting 

Mr.  Hare,  formerly  the  envoy  to  Poland,  had  apart- 
ments in  the  same  house  with  Mr.  Fox  ;  and,  like  his 
friend  Charles,  had  frequent  dealings  with  the  moneyed 
Israelites.  One  morning,  as  he  was  looking  out  of  his 
window,  he  observed  several  of  the  tribe  assembled 
at  the  door,  for  admittance. 

"  Pray,  gentlemen,"  says  he,  "  are  you  Fox-hunting, 
or  Hare-hunting  this  morning?  " 

"  Shaving  "  the  Barber 

"  Sir,"  said  a  barber  to  an  attorney,  who  was  pass- 
ing his  door,  "will  you  tell  me  if  this  is  a  good 
seven-shilling  piece?"  The  lawyer  pronounced  the 
piece  good,  deposited  it  in  his  pocket  adding,  with 
great  gravity,  "  if  you'll  send  your  lad  to  my  office, 
I'll  return  the  fourpence." 

Curious  Epistle  from  One  Quaker  to  Another 

Friend  Amminadab  :  I  desire  tliou  wilt  go  from 
me  unto  one  of  those  sinful  men  in  the  flesh,  called 
attorneys  ;  and,  after  duly  communing  with  him,  see 
that  he  taketh  out  an  instrument  with  a  seal  fixed 
thereunto,  by  means  whereof  we  may  seize  the  out- 
ward tabernacle  of  Obadiah  Prim,  and  bring  him 
before  the  lambskin  men  at  Westminster,  and  teach 
him  to  do  as  he  would  be  done  unto.  And  so,  I  rest 
thy  friend  in  the  light.     Timothy  Steady. 

The  Ass  was  "  Missing  " 

An  eminent  judge  used  to  say  that  in  his  opinion 
the  very  best  thing  ever  said  by  a  witness  to  a  counsel 
was  the  reply  given  to  Missing,  the  barrister,  at  the 
time  leader  of  his  circuit.  He  was  defending  a  prisoner 
charged  with  stealing  a  donkey.  The  prosecutor 
had  left  the  animal  tied  up  to  a  gate,  and  when  he  re- 
turned, it  was  gone.  Missing  was  very  severe  in  his 
examination  of  the  witness. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  the  donkey  was  stolen  from 
the  gate  ?  " 


BngUeb  IQit  auD  Ibumor  81 

"I  mean  to  say,  sir,"  giving  the  judge  and  jury  a 
sly  look,  at  the  same  time  pointing  to  the  counsel, 
"the  ass  was  Missing." 

Two  Examples  of  French  Running 

Some  years  ago  at  the  Derby,  when  the  grand  prize 
was  won  by  a  French  horse,  the  Fretichmen  present 
cheered  most  vociferously,  and  in  addition  to  other 
expressions  of  triumph,  one  of  them  shouted, 
"  Waterloo  avenged  !  " 

'•  Yes."  said  Sir  William  Harcourt,  who  was  stand- 
ing by,  and  whose  ready  wit  and  crushing  sarcasm 
have  so  often  turned  the  tables  on  his  opponents, 
"you  ran  well  in  both  cases." 

"A  Host    in  Himself"  is  Sometimes  Expensive 

A  Dean  of  Canterbury,  remarkable  for  holding  a 
great  number  of  church-preferments,  traveling  slowh' 
in  his  chariot  to  that  city,  was  overtaken  by  a  poor 
parson,  who  had  somehow  procured  the  loan  of  a  good 
horse.  The  parson,  en  passant,  bowed  most  respect- 
fully to  the  dean,  who,  desiring  him  to  stop,  begged 
he  would  call  at  the  Mermaid  at  Rochester,  and  order 
him  a  dinner,  to  be  ready  at  a  certain  hour.  The 
parson  accordingly  called  on  the  host,  and  told  him 
that  he  would  be  honored  with  a  visit  at  such  a  time, 
and  must  provide  a  good  dinner. 

"For  how  many,  and  please  your  honor?"  says 
Boniface. 

"  Wh.y,"  replied  the  parson,  "  I  can't  well  say  how 
man\^  persons  the  whole  company  will  consist  of,  for  I 
only  saw  the  Dean  of  Canterbury,  the  Canon  of 
Winchester,  the  Provost  of  Lichfield,  the  Rector  of 
Orpington,  the  \"icar  of  Romney,  and  one  of  the 
King's  chaplains." 

The  parson  then  proceeded  to  his  own  home,  which 
was  within  a  few  miles,  and  the  landlord  began  to 
make  ample  provision  for  the  numerous  guests  he 
expected  to  entertain.  Accordingly,  when  the  dean 
arrived,  a  large  table  was  set,  and  the  cloth  laid. 

"How's    this!"    cries   his    reverence,    "you   have 

6 


82  jSnglieb  Mit  anD  Ibumot 

shown  me  the  wrong  room  ;  this,  surely  is  intended 
for  a  large  company." 

"And  please  your  honor,"  replied  the  landlord. 
"  Parson  Singlechurch  called  about  an  hour  and  a  half 
ago,  and  told  me  I  must  provide  for  your  honor,  and 
the  Canon  of  Winchester,  and  the  Provost  of  Lichfield, 
and  the  Rector  of  Orpington,  and  one  of  the  King's 
chaplains,  too,  and  I  don't  know  how  many  more,  and 
so  I  thought,  and  please  your  honor,  I'd  get  enough." 

"  Oh,  very  well  !  "  coolly  answered  the  dean,  who 
now  recollected  himself,  "  I  ought  to  have  asked  Mr. 
Singlechurch  to  have  stayed  and  dined  with  me." 

A  Child's  Idea  of  a  "Sister  of  Charity" 

"Who  is  that  lady  dressed  in  black,  mamma?" 
asked  Bobby,  as  he  sat  with  his  mother  on  a  steamboat. 

"  That  is  a  Sister  of  Charity,  my  boy,"  replied  his 
mother. 

Bobby  pondered  deeply  for  a  moment,  and  then 
said,  "  What  is  she.  mamma,  Faith  or  Hope?  " 

Why  He  Wore  the  Blue  Ribbon 

Apostle  (to  countryman)  .•  "  I  see  you  wear  the  blue 
ribbon,  sir.  You  look  upon  rum  as  a  curse,  of  course?  " 

Countryman  :  "  There  ain't  no  man  in  our  township 
what  can  drink  more  than  I  can.  I  took  that  blue 
ribbon  for  the  second  biggest  hog  at  the  country  fair." 

Apostle :  "  You  ought  to  have  taken  first  {)rize,  my 
friend." 

Were  They  Both  Insane  ? 

Lord  Shaftesbury  was  fond  of  a  good  story,  and  he 
used  to  relate  an  amusing  anecdote  in  illustration  of 
the  way  in  which  eminent  men  sometimes  formed  their 
opinions  as  to  the  sanity  of  their  patients.  He  was 
sitting  one  day  as  chairman  of  the  Lunacy  Commis- 
sion, when  the  alleged  insanity  of  a  lady  was  under 
discussion,  and  he  took  a  view  of  the  case  adverse  to 
that  of  his  colleagues. 

One  of  the  medical  men  who  was  there  to  give 
evidence  crept  up  to  his  chair  and  said   in  a  confi- 


jEngUsb  XUit  auD  Ibumoc  83 

dential  tone  :   "  Are  yon  aware,  my  lord,  that  she  sub- 
scribes to  the  Society  for  the  Conversion  of  the  Jews  ?  " 
"Indeed,"    replied    Lord    Shaftesbury;    "and    are 
you  aware  that  I  am  the  president  of  that  society  ?  " 

•♦  A  Little  Knowledge  is  a  Dangerous  Thing " 

Another  story  he  was  fond  of  telling  was  that  the 
editor  of  a  "religious"  paper  in  South  America, 
who  had  attacked  him  with  great  bitterness  for  the 
active  part  he  had  taken  in  the  anti-slavery  agitation, 
and  urged  him  to  look  at  home,  "  and  consider  the 
condition  of  the  working-classes  of  his  own  country." 
The  editor  followed  up  his  reproaches  with  the  ques- 
tion, "Who  is  this  Lord  Shaftesbury?"  and  then 
continued,  "Some  unknown  lordling;  one  of  your 
modern  philanthropists,  suddenly  started  up  to  take 
part  in  a  passing  agitation.  It  is  a  pity  he  does  not 
look  at  home.  Where  was  he  when  Lord  Ashley 
(Lord  Shaftesbury's  title  in  early  life)  was  so  nobly 
fighting  for  the  Factory  Bill,  and  pleading  the  cause 
of  the  English  slave?  We  never  even  heard  the 
name  of  Lord  Shaftesbury  then.'    ' 

*'  All  But !  " 
The  curate  of  a  London  church,  whose  pronuncia- 
tion is  more  pedantic  than  proper,  has  been  very  justly 
snubbed  for  alluding  to  the  heir-apparent  as  though 
his  name  was  written  "  Awlbut  "  Edward.      He  was 
asked  the  other  day  why  he  so  significantly  excluded 
the  Prince  of  Wales  in  his  prayer  for  the  Royal  Family. 
"  Exclude  him  !    What  do  you  mean  ?  " 
"Why,"  said  his  friend,  "you  always  pray  for  all 
but  Edward,  Prince  of  Wales  !  " 

A  Child  Proving  His  Ability  to  Use  a  Dinner 
Kni.e 

Little  Rudolph  one  day  l>t'gged  an  invitation  to 
dinner  at  the  house  of  a  little  friend  with  whom  he 
had  been  playing  during  the  morning.  At  the  table 
his  hostess  anxioush'  enquired  :  "  Rudolph,  can  you 
cut  your  own  meat  ?  " 

"  Humjjh  !  "  said   RuflolDJi,  who  was  sawing  away. 


S4  £ngli6b  Mit  anD  Ibumpr 

"Can't   I?  I've  cut  up  a  great  deal  of  tougher  meat 
than  this  at  home." 

Consoling  his  Father 

"  Yours  is  a  very  expensive  school,"  said  papa, 
witii  a  long  face  and  a  short  purse. 

'•  Very  sorry,  Dad,"  replied  young  hopeful,  but  I 
don't  learn  more  than  I  can  help." 

Advantages  of  Occasionally  Reading  the  Bible 

Some  gentlemen  of  a  Bible  Association  calling  upon 
an  old  woman  to  see  if  she  had  a  Bible  were  severely 
reproved  by  the  old  lady's  reply. 

"  Do  you  think,  gentlemen,  that  I  am  a  heathen, 
that  you  ask  me  that  question?"  Then,  addressing  a 
little  girl,  she  said  :  "  Run  and  fetch  me  the  Bible  out 
of  the  drawer  that  I  may  show  it  to  the  gentlemen." 

The  visitors  declined  giving  her  the  trouble,  but  she 
insisted.  Accordingly  the  Bible  was  brought,  nicely 
covered,  and  on  opening  it,  the  old  woman  exclaimed  : 
"\\'ell,  how  glad  I  am  you  came;  here  are  my  spec- 
tacles that  I  have  been  looking  for  these  three  years." 

It  Takes  Two  to  Play  an  Organ 

In  a  cathedral,  one  day  after  service,  the  bellows- 
blower  said  to  the  organist,  "  I  think  we  have  done 
very  well  to-day." 

"We!"  said  the  organist  in  no  small  surprise  at 
the  independence  of  his  menial,  "  how  can  you  pretend 
to  have  any  merit  in  the  performance?  Never  let  me 
hear  you  say  such  a  thing  again." 

The  man  said  nothing  more  at  the  time,  but  when 
they  were  next  playing,  he  suddenly  intermitted  in 
his  task  of  inflating  the  organ.  The  organist  rose  in 
wrath  to  order  him  to  proceed,  when  the  fellow,  thrust- 
ing his  head  out  from  behind  the  curtain,  asked  slily, 
"  Shall  it  be  zvf,  then?" 

Faith  and  Riches 
They  have  sayings  at  Oxford  which  would  be  termed 
profane  anywhere  else.      For  instance,  when  a  trades- 
man has  grown  rich  by  trusting  the  scholars,  they  say, 
that  "  his  faith  hath  made  him  whole." 


Bnflllsb  Tilflit  anD  Ibunioc  86 

Promotion  and  Pride 

A  farmer  was  elected  to  a  corporalship  in  a  militia 
company.  His  wife,  after  discoursing  with  him  for 
some  time  on  the  advantage  which  the  family  would 
derive  from  his  exaltation,  enquired  in  a  doubting 
tone  : 

"  Husband,  will  it  be  proper  for  us  to  let  our  chil- 
dren play  with  our  neighbors'  now  ?  " 

One  of  the  little  urchins  eagerly  asked  :  "  Are  we 
not  all  corporals  ?  " 

"  Tut  !  "  said  the  aiother,  "  hold  your  tongue,  there 
is  no  one  corporal  but  your  father  and  myself !  " 

A  Cool  Reception 

A  gentleman  having  appointed  to  meet  his  friend  on 
particular  business,  went  to  his  house  and  knocked  at 
the  door,   which  was  opened  by  a  servant  girl.      He 
informed  her  he  wanted  her  master. 
"  He  is  gone  out,  sir."  said  she. 
"  Then  your  mistress  will  do,"  said  the  gentleman. 
"  She,"  said  the  girl,  "  is  gone  out,  too." 
"  My  business  is  of  consequence,"  returned  he  ;  "  is 
your  master's  son  at  home?" 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  the  girl,  "  he  is  gone  out." 
''That's  unlucky,   indeed,"  replied    he;   "but  per- 
haps it  may  not  be  long  before  they  return  ;  I  will  step 
in  and  sit  by  your  fire." 

"  Oh,  sir,"  said  the  girl,  "  the  fire  has  gone  out,  too." 
Upon  this  the  gentleman  good  temperedly  bade  her 
inform    her    master    that    he   did     not    expect    to    be 
received  so  coolly. 

Fools  are  Best  Kept  Apart 

A  proud  parson  and  his  man,  riding  over  a  common, 
saw  a  shepherd  tending  his  flfjck  in  a  new  coat.  The 
parson  asked  in  a  haughty  tone,  who  gave  him 
that  coat. 

"  The  same  people,"  said  the  shepherd,  "  that  clothe 
you — the  parish." 

The  parson,  nettled  a  little,  rode  on,  murmuring,  a 
considerable  way,  and  sent  his  man  back  to   ask  the 


8(j  JBwQlieb  "Uait  anO  TDumoc 

shepherd  if  he  would  come  and  live  with  him,  for  he 
wanted  a  fool.  The  man  went  to  the  shepherd,  accord- 
ingly, and  delivered  his  master's  message,  concluding 
that  his  master  really  wanted  a  fool. 

"  Are  you  going  away,  then  ?  "  said  the  shepherd. 

"  No,"  answered  the  other. 

"Then  you  may  tell  your  master,"  replied  tht 
shepherd,  "  his  living  won't  maintain  Ihree  of  us." 

A  Good  Move 

Sheridan  being  on  a  Parlimentary  committee,  one 
day  entered  the  room  as  all  the  members  were  seated, 
and  ready  to  commence  business.  Perceiving  no 
empty  seat,  he  bowed,  and  looking  round  the  table 
with  a  droll  expression  of  countenance,  said,  "Will 
any  gentleman  move  that  I  may  fake  the  chair  r'  " 

Letter  from  a  Father  in  Sunderland,  to  His  Son 
in  Newcastle 
Son  :  Thy  mother  hath  taken  an  old  coat  of  mine, 
to  make  thee  one  against  this  time.  I  have  sent 
Peggy  with  the  old  mare  ;  thou  and  she  can  ride  back 
by  turns.  I  am  told  thou  makest  little  progress  in 
thy  learning,  for  which  thou  art  an  ass,  and  I  am  thy 
J'alher.—R.  T. 

Quid  Pro  Quo 

It  is  reported  that  one  day,  when  Lord  Brougham 
had  driven  to  the  House  in  the  vehicle  of  his  own 
invention,  which  Robinson,  the  coachmaker,  had 
christened  after  him,  he  was  met  in  the  robing-room 
by  the  Duke  of  Wellington,  who,  after  a  low  bow, 
accosted  him  thus  : 

"  I  have  always  hitherto  lived  under  the  impression 
that  your  lordship  would  go  down  to  posterity  as  the 
great  apostle  of  education,  the  emancipator  of  the 
negro,  the  restorer  of  abused  charities,  the  reformer 
of  the  law.  But  no,  you  will  hereafter  be  known  only 
as  the  inventor  of  a  carriage." 

"  And  I,  my  lord  duke,  have  always  been  under  the 
delusion  tiiat  vour  grace  would  be  remembered  as  the 


JEnsUsb  Mit  auD  Ibumoc  87 

hero  of  a  hundred  battles,  the  liberator  of  Europe, 
the  conqueror  of  Napoleon.  But  no,  your  grace  will 
be  known  as  the  inventor  of  a  pair  of  boots." 

•'  Confound  the  boots  I  ''  said  the  Iron  Duke,  "  I  had 
quite  forgotten  them.     You  have  the  best  of  it." 

Hats  Off! 

Mr.  Spurgeon  on  one  occasion  was  much  annoyed 
by  three  young  men  persisting  in  wearing  their  hats 
in  the  Tabernacle.  He  appeared  for  the  time  not  t<> 
notice  them,  but  proceeded  to  tell  his  audience  of  a 
visit  he  paid  to  a  Jewish  synagogue. 

"  When  I  entered,"  he  said,  "  I  took  off  my  hat,  but 
was  informed  that  the  great  mark  of  respect  was  to 
keep  it  on.  I  did  so,  though  I  can  assure  you  that  I 
felt  very  strange  wearing  my  hat  in  a  place  of  worship. 
And  now.  as  I  paid  this  mark  of  respect  to  the  syna- 
gogue, may  I  ask  those  three  Jews  in  the  gallery  to 
conform  equally  to  our  rules  and  kindly  uncover 
their  heads." 

The  young  men  "  collapsed." 

How  Many  Commandments  Are  There  ? 

A  country  lad  went  to  be  confirmed  by  the  bishop, 
who,  inquiring  if  he  had  learned  his  catechism,  asked 
him  how^  many  commandments  there  were. 

"  Foity,"  replied  Hodge. 

'■  Go  home,  child,  and  learn  better,"  said  the  bishop. 

On  his  return  home,  Hodge  met  a  companion  who 
was  also  going  to  be  confirmed.  "Stop,"  said  he, 
"  do  you  know  how  many  commandments  there  be  ?  " 

"Yes,  to  be  sure,"  replied  the  other;  "ten." 

"Pshaw!  you  fool  !"  said  the  other;  "I  told  the 
bishop  forty,  and  that  would  not  do ;  go  home  and 
learn  better." 

Wit  Defined  and  Exemplified 
In  a  private  conversation,  the  late  Earl  of  Chatham 
asked  Dr.  Henniker,  among  other  questions,  how  he 
defined  wit?  The  doctor  replied,  "  My  lord,  r/rV  is 
like  what  2,  pension  would  be  given  by  your  lordship 
to  your  humble  servant — a  °^ood  thing  well  applied^ 


88  Bnallsb  mit  anD  Ibumor 

Finding-  Time  for  a  Man  who  had  None 

"  I  can't  go  to  gaol,"  said  a  funny  vagrant.  "  I 
have  no  time." 

"  The  court  provides  that,"  said  the  magistrate. 
"  I  give  you  ten  days." 

Defining  a  False  Witness 

The  children  at  a  Sunday-school,  not  long  since, 
being  asked,  among  other  questions,  what  bearing 
false  witness  against  one's  neighbor  meant,  a  pert 
little  girl  replied  :  "  It  is  when  nobody  hain't  done 
nothing  and  somebody  goes  and  tells." 

A  Witty  Remark  on  Posterity 

An  orator  lately  said  to  his  audience,  "  I  am  speak- 
ing for  the  benefit  of  posterity,"  when  some  one 
shouted,  "  Yes ;  and  if  you  don't  get  done  soo.i 
they'll  be  here  !  " 

Why  He  Did  not  Get  any  Pudding 

There  was  only  one  passenger  on  board  a  certain 
sailing  vessel,  who  took  his  meals  in  the  after-cabin 
with  the  captain  and  mate,  and  who  always  suspected 
that  those  two  worthies  defrauded  him  of  his  due 
share  of  the  eatables  when  they  got  the  chance.  One 
day  a  roly-poly  pudding  appeared  at  dinner,  just 
enough  for  three,  and  the  passenger,  who  had  a  sweet 
tooth,  was  instantly  on  the  alert  to  see  that  he  got  his 
fair  and  proper  third. 

'•  Mr.    X ,  do  you   like  pudding  ends,  sir?"  the 

captain  asked,  with  the  knife  poised  in  air  ready 
to  cut  the  delicacy. 

"  No,  I  do  not  like  the  ends,  sir,"  replied  the  pas- 
senger, who  considered  that  he  had  as  much  right  to 
the  middle  slice  as  anyone  else. 

"Ah,  well,  then,  me  and  my  mate  does  !  "  was  the 
gallant  captain's  observation,  as  he  cut  the  pudding 
in  two,  and  deposited  half  on  the  mate's  plate  and 
half  on  his  own. 


BnQlisb  Wit  anD  Ibumor  89 

When  Thirteen  is  an  Unlucky  Number 
Some  people  have  an  objection  to  thirteen  at  dinner. 
Dr.  Kitchiner,  a   culinary,  happened   to   be  one   of  a 
company  of  that  number  at  Dr.  Henderson's,  and,  on 
its    being    remarked,    and    pronounced    unlucky,    he 
said,  "  I  admit  that  it  is  unlucky  in  one  case." 
"  What  case  is  that  ?  " 
"  When  there  is  only  dinner  for  twelve." 

When  is  a  Saddle  a  Mule  ? 

Two  Oxford  scholars,  meeting  on  the  road  with  a 
Yorkshire  hostler,  fell  to  bantering  him,  and  told  the 
fellow  they  would  prove  him  to  be  a  horse  or  an   ass. 

"Well,"  said  the  hostler,  "  and  I  can  prove  your 
saddle  to  be  a  mule." 

"A  mule,"  cried  one  of  them,  -'how  can  that  be?" 

"  Because,"  said  the  hostler,  "  it  is  between  a  horse 
and  an  ass." 

A  Doubtful  Apology 

••  Mr.  ,"    said    his   honor,    after    a  particularly 

daring  statement  on  the  part  of  the  lawyer,  "  you 
must  apologize  for  that  remark,  or  I  will  commit  you 
for  contempt." 

The  counsel  rose,  and,  after  a  pause,  said,  "  I  beg 
the  court's  pardon  ;  I  now  see  that  your  honor  was 
right,  and  I  was  wrong,  as  your  honor  generally  is." 

Coals  or  "  Coke  " 

A  certain  barrister,  who  was  remarkable  for  coming 
into  court  with  dirty  hands,  observed  that  he  "  had 
been  turning  over  the  leaves  of  Coke." 

"  I  should  have  thought  it  was  coals  you  had  been 
turning  over,"  observed  a  wag. 

A  Consumptive  Patient 
Dr.  Thomson  was  called  in  to  attend  a  gentleman 
who  had  persuaded  himself  that  he  was,  to  use  a 
popular  expression,  "dying  by  inches."  The  doctor 
caught  the  invalid  at  dinner,  and  having  seen  him 
demolish  some  soup,  a  slice  of  salmon,  two  cuts  erf 
chine  of  mutton,  and  half  a  partridge,  inquired  what 
other  symptoms  of  disease  he  felt. 


90  jeuGlisb  "QClit  anD  Ibumor 

"None  particularly,  sir,"  said  the  invalid,  "only 
everytfiing:  about  me  tends  to  convince  me  that  I  am 
consumptive." 

♦'  Your  appetite  is,  at  all  events,  sir,"  said  the 
doctor,  and  walked  off. 

"Coming  Home  to  Roost" 

James  II,  who  so  seldom  said  a  good  thing,  one  day 
said  a  very  ill-bred  one.  He  declared  in  the  midst  of 
his  courtiers  that  "  he  had  never  known  a  modest  man 
make  his  way  at  court."  To  this  observation  one  of 
the  .i^entlemen  present  boldly  replied,  "And  please 
your  majesty,  whose  fault  is  that?"  The  king  was 
struck,  and  remained  silent, 

A  Methodical  Organ-Blower 

Some  yoars  ago  a  gentleman  at  Windsor  took  the 
place  of  th^  organist,  with  a  view  to  show  his  superi- 
ority in  execution.  Among  other  pieces  he  was  play- 
ing one  of  Dr.  Blow's  anthems  ;  but,  just  as  he  had 
finished  the  verse  part,  and  had  begun  the  full  chorus, 
the  organ  ceased.  On  this  he  called  to  Dick,  the  bel- 
lows blower,  to  know  what  was  the  matter. 

"The  matter?"  says  Dick;  "I  have  played  the 
anthem  below." 

"Ay,"  says  the  other,  "but  I  have  not  played  it 
above," 

"  No  matter,"  quoth  Dick,  "  you  might  have  made 
more  haste,  then  ;  I  know  how  many  puffs  go  to  one 
of  Dr.  Blow's  anthems  as  well  as  you  do  ;  I  have  not 
played  the  organ  so  many  years  for  nothing." 

Political  Fireworks 

A  Whig,  of  the  same  stamp  with  Tom  Burtiet,  son 
of  Bishop  Burnet,  being  asked  what  he  thought  of  the 
fireworks  which  celebrated  the  Peace  of  Urecht  (a 
peace  concluded  by  the  Tory  ministry  much  against 
the  wishes  of  the  opposition),  "  I  think,"  said  he, 
"they  were  a  burning  shame." 


Bnglisb  XQit  anD  Ibumoc  91 

Too  Tame  to  be  Borne 

A  hasty,  passionate  fellow  was  supping  with  a 
friend  who  never  contradicted  him,  not  wishing  to 
provoke  his  wrath. 

Unable  to  endure  this  acquiescence,  he  at  last  burst 
out,  "  Zounds !  deny  something,  that  I  may  know 
there  are  two  of  us." 

Perfection 

A  celebrated  preacher  having  remarked  in  a  sernicju 
that  everything  made  by  God  was  perfect,  "  What 
think  you  of  me?  "said  a  deformed  man  in  a  pew 
beneath,  who  arose  from  his  seat,  and  pointed  at  his 
own  back. 

"  Think  of  you  ?  "  reiterated  the  preacher  ;  "  why, 
that  you  are  the  most  perfect  hunchback  my  eyes  ever 
beheld." 

Less  Gallant,   Perhaps,  than  Accurate 

In  some  parish  churches  it  was  once  the  custom  to 
separate  men  from  women.  A  clergyman,  being  inter- 
rupted by  loud  talking,  stopped  short,  when  a  woman, 
eager  for  the  honor  of  her  sex,  arose  and  said,  "  Your 
reverence,  the  noise  is  not  among  us." 

"  So  much  the  better,"  answered  the  clergyman  ;  "  it 
will  be  the  sooner  over." 

A  Commission  Agent  as  a  Purchaser 

Auxiioneer :  "■  But,  I  say.  there  is  nobody  else  in 
the  room  offering  a  bid  for  the  ancient  cabinet.  How 
is  it  you  keep  on  bidding  against  yourself  ?  " 

Broker :  ''Well,  you  see.  that  is  a  matter  of  busi- 
ness. I  have  got  a  commission  from  two  different 
parties  to  buy  the  cabinet  at  any  cost,  and  I  don't 
know  yet  which  of  them  is  to  have  it." 

"The  Very  Worst,"    Followed  by  a  Still  Worse 

A  dull  playwright,  about  to  read  one  of  his  compo- 
sitions in  the  green-room  at  Drury  Lane,  observed 
that  he  knew  nothing  so  terrible  as  reading  a  piece 
before  such  a  critical  audience. 


92  iBnQiieb  "Mit  an^  Ibumor 

"  I  know  one  thing  more  terrible,"  said  Mrs. 
Powell. 

"  What  can  that  be  ?  "  asked  the  author. 
"To  be  obliged  to  sit  and  hear  it." 

Extinguishing  a  "Spark" 

As  Lady  B L was  presiding  one   evening  at 

the  tea-table,  one  of  her  ruffles  caught  the  flame  of  the 
tea-lamp,  and  was  burned  before  it  could  be 
extinguished. 

Lord  M ,  who  was  of  the  party,  and  thought  to 

be  witty  on  the  accident,  remarked  that  he  "  did  not 
think  her  ladyship  so  apt  /o  take  fire.'''' 

"  Nor  am  T,  rny  lord,"  replied  she,  with  great  readi- 
ness, "  from  such  sparks  as  you." 

N.  B.— P.  S. 

During  a  heavy  shower  a  business  man,  carryitig  a 
very  wet  umbrella,  entered  an  hotel  to  pay  a  call  to 
some  one  upstairs.  After  placing  his  umbrella  to 
drain,  he  wrote  upon  a  piece  of  paper,  and  pinned  it 
to  the  umbrella  :  "  JV.  B. — This  umbrella  belongs  to  a 
man  who  strikes  a  two-hundred-and-fifty-pound  blow. 
Back  in  five  minutes." 

He  went  upstairs,  and  after  an  absence  of  fifteen 
minutes  returned,  to  find  his  umbrella  gone,  and  in 
its  place  a  note  :  "P.  5.— Umbrella  taken  by  a  man 
who  walks  ten  miles  an  hour.     Won't  be  back  at  all." 

Shortening  Time   by  Distance 

Sydney  Smith  had  a  maid  who  used  to  boil  eggs  very 
well  by  her  master's  watch  ;  but  one  day  he  could 
not  lend  it  to  her  because  it  was  under  repair,  so  she 
took  the  time  from  the  kitchen  clock,  and  the  eggs 
came  up  quite  raw. 

"  Why  didn't  you  take  the  three  minutes  from  the 
clock,  as  you  do  from  the  watch,  Mary?  " 

"Well,  sir,"  replied  Mary,  "I  thought  that  would 
be  too  much,  as  the  hands  are  so  much  larger." 


£iuVti5b  lUit  atiD  Ibumor  9'^ 

A  Good  Shot 

A  little  boy  being  asked  what  occupation  his  father 
pursued  for  a  living,  answered,  with  great  simplicity, 
"  He's  a  dreadful  accident  maker,  sir,  for  the  news- 
papers." 

Nathan  and  David 

The  Rev.  Nathan  D ,  a  worthy  minister,  had  in 

his  congregation  a  wealthy  member  named  David,  who 
bethought  would  be  a  suitable  match  for  his  daughter  ; 
but  as  David  seemed  rather  dilatory  in  coming  to  the 
point,  the  minister  thought  he  would  give  him  a  help- 
ing hand.  Meeting  David  one  day  he  casually 
remarked  that  his  daughter  was  getting  married  soon. 
Of  course  David  eagerh-  inquired  who  was  to  be  the 
happy  man.  The  minister  told  him  to  be  at  the 
church  on  Sabbath,  and  he  would  then  tell  him. 
Imagine  David's  surprise  when  the  text  was  given 
out.  "  Nathan  said  unto  David,  thou  art  the  man." 

"  A  Fellow  Feeling  makes  us  Wondrour.  Kind  " 
Swel/:  "  Had  no  breakfast  ?  " 
Sweeper :  "  No,  sir  !  " 
Swell:  "  Paw  beggaw  !  and  no  dinner?" 
Sweeper :  "  No,  sir  !  " 
Swell :   "  Paw  beggaw  I  " 
Sireeper :  "  Got  e'er  a  copper,  yer  honor?  " 
Stvell :  "  Naw  !  " 
Sweeper :  •'  Paw  beggaw  !  "  " 

Eook-lore 

Bookbinder :  '•  Oh,  your  master  wants  them  bound, 
my  man,  do  he?  Well,  are  they  to  be  done  in  Russia 
or  Morocco?  "' 

Rttstic  :  "  Why,  stoopid,  dust  think  if  he  wanted 
'em  done  in  Roosia  that  I'd  ev  browt  'em  'ere  ?  " 

The  Possibilities  of  Childhood 
Johnny    lost    his    knife.       After    searching    in    one 
pocket  and   another,  until   he   had   been   through   all 
without  success,  he  exclaimed  :  "  Oh,  dear  !  I  wish   I 
had  another  pocket :  it  might  be  in  that." 


W  jenflUsb  mit  anD  Ibunior 

The  Infallibility  of  every  Child's"  Papa" 
"My  pa  is   a  preacher,  an'  he  will  go  to  heaven." 
'*  Yes,  an'  my  pa  is  a  doctor,  an'  can  kill  your  old 
pa." 

Blindness    Somewhere 

"  Did  you  take  the  note,  and  did  you  see  Mr. 
Thompson,  Jock  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  And  how  was  he?" 

•'  Why  he  looked  pretty  well,  but  he's  very  blind." 

"  Blind  1  what  do  you  mean?" 

"  Why,  while  I  wur  in  the  room  he  axed  me  wher' 
my  hat  wur,  and  I'm  blest  if  it  wurn't  on  my  head 
all  the  while  !  " 

"  Wit  "  and  the  "  Opposite  " 
Dryden  and  Otway  lived  opposite  to  each  other  in 

Queen  Street.     Otway,  coming  home  one  night  from 

the   tavern,    chalked    upon    Dryden's    door,    "  Here 

lives  John  Dryden  ;  he  is  a  luity 

Dryden  knew  the  handwriting,  and,  the  next  day, 

chalked  on  Otway's  door,  "  Here  lives  Tom  Otway; 

he  is  opposite  y 

Appropriate  Reproof  of  One  Accustomed  to  go 
Mooning  About 

The  Duchess  of  Newcastle  who  wrote  many  plays 
and  romances,  in  the  most  extravagant  taste  of  the 
reign  of  Charles  II,  asked  Bishop  Wilkins  how  she 
could  get  up  to  the  world  he  had  discovered  in  the 
moon  ;  for,  as  the  way  must  needs  be  long,  a  person 
traveling  thither  would  require  to  have  some  resting- 
places  by  the  way. 

"Oh,  madam,"  said  the  bishop,  "your  grace  who 
has  built  so  many  castles  in  the  air  can  be  at  no  loss." 

"  What's  often  Thought,  but  ne'er  so  well 
Expressed  " 
The  Rev.  Mr.  Perkins  being  called  upon  suddenly 
to  address  a  Sunday-school,  thought  he  would  get  a 
few  original  ideas  from  his  young  hearers. 


Bnalieb  "Mix  anD  fjumor  90 

"  Children,"  said  he,  "  I  want  some  of  you  to  tell 
me  wliat  I  shall  talk  to  you  about  to-night.  What 
shall  I  say  ?  '' 

At  first  there  was  no  response. 

"  That  bright  little  fellow  over  there,"  said  he, 
pointing  to  a  youngster  on  one  of  the  back  seats — 
"  What  shall  I  say  to  you  to-night  ?  " 

In  a  little  piping  voice  came  the  answer:  "Say 
amen  and  sit  down." 

The  Bishop,  the  Boy,  and  the  Banbury  Cake 

A  short  time  after  the  present  Bishop  of  Worcester 
had  been  appointed  to  that  see  he  had  occasion  to 
travel  through  Banbury  by  rail.  Being  desirous  to 
test,  and  at  the  same  time  encourage  the  far-famed 
industry  of  the  town,  and  as  the  train  stopped  for  a 
short  time  in  the  station,  he  beckoned  to  a  boy,  and 
inquired  the  price  of  the  celebrated  cakes. 

'•  Threepence  each,  sir,"  said  the  boy. 

Handing  him  sixpence,  the  bishop  desired  him  to 
i:>ring  one  to  the  carriage,  adding,  "  And  with  the  other 
threepence  buy  one  for  yourself." 

The  boy  shortly  returned,  complactntly  munching 
his  Banbury,  and  handing  threepence  in  coppers  to 
the  bishop,  exclaimed,  "  There  was  only  one  left, 
guv'nor !  " 

Taken  "  Off-Duty" 

A  certain  exacting  law\-er  had  his  portrait  taken  in 
his  favorite  attitude — standing  with  his  hand  in  his 
pocket.  His  friends  and  clients  went  to  see  it,  and 
everybody  exclaimed,  "Oh,  how  like!  It's  the  very 
picture  of  him  !  " 

An  old  farmer,  however,  was  not  satisfied  with  it. 
"  Don't  you  see,"  said  he,  "  he  has  got  his  hand  in  his 
own  pocket?  'Twould  be  as  like  again  if  he  had  it  in 
somebody  else's  !  " 

A  Child  Thrust 

"  You  never  saw  my  hands  as  dirty  as  that,"  said  a 
mother,  reproachfully,  to  her  little  eight-year-old  girl. 


96  jEnsUsb  mit  anO  Ibumor 

"  'Cause  I  never  saw  you  when  you  was  a  little 
girl,"  was  the  prompt  answer. 

A  Snob  Wittily  Snubbed 

At  a  railway  refreshment  room,  one  of  the  passen- 
gers was  hungry  and  in  a  hurry.  "  Please  pass  me 
them  pertaters,  mister,"  he  said,  addressing  an  ele- 
gant gentleman  who  sat  next  to  him. 

The  latter  slowly  focussed  his  gold  eye-glass  on  the 
speaker.  "  Did  you  think  I  was  one  of  the  waiters  ?  " 
he  asked,  icily. 

The  others  held  their  knives  and  forks  suspended 
in  mid-air,  expecting  to  see  the  man  shrivel  up  ;  but 
no  such  phenomenon  took  place.  He  turned,  and 
beckoned  to  the  nearest  waiter. 

"  George,  come  here,  please." 

"  What  is  it,  sir  ?  "  asked  George. 

"  I  want  to  apologize  to  you,  that  is  all.  You  see, 
I  mistook  this  party  here  for  you,  but  I  hope  you  won't 
be  offended  at  it.  Now,  pass  me  them  pertaters,  and 
we'll  go  on  with  the  rest  of  the  meal." 

A   Well-Prepared  "Brief" 
"  Mr.  Brief,"  said  the  judge,  grimly,  "  it  seems  to 

me  that    you    are  wasting  time ;  you  might   as  well 

attempt  to  make  the  court  believe  that  two  and  two 

do  not  make  four." 

Brief  settled  his  eye-glasses  a  little  more  firmly  on 

his  nose,  and  responded  blandly,  "  May  it  please  your 

lordship,  I   am  prepared  to  do  that.     Two  and   two 

make  twenty-two." 

The  shadow  of  a  smile  played  round  the  corner  of 

the  judge's  mouth  as  he  sat  back  in  his  chair  and  said, 

"  You  can  proceed,  Mr.  Brief." 

A  Humorous  "  Cabby  " 
On  one  occasion  two  ladies  had  paid  a  cabman  a 
shilling  for  the  distance  they  had  ridden,  with  one  four- 
penny  bit,  two  threepenny  pieces,  one  penny  and  two 
halfpence  ;  when  cabby  looked  at  the  coins  and  asked, 
"Well,  how  long  might  you  have  been  saving  up  for 
this  little  treat  ?>  " 


Bnglisb  "mit  anO  fjumor  vr 

The  Domestic  Catechism 

While  on  business  in  the  office  of  a  printing-house 
Ihe  other  day,  a  thin,  tired-looking  man  entered,  and, 
approaching  the  proprietor,  said,  "  I  want  to  have  a 
list  printed.   Suppose  you  write  it  down  as  I  tell  you." 

The  proprietor  made  ready,  and  the  man  said : 
"  Yes  ;  I'm  sure  I  locked  the  front  door.  Have  you 
got  that?" 

"  Yes  ;  but  I  don't  understand." 

"  Never  mind ;  don't  interrupt  me  till  I  have 
finished.     Are  you  readv?  " 

"Yes." 

"  I  turned  out  the  light  in  the  bath-room." 

"  All  right ;   I've  got  it." 

"  The  kitchen  windows  are  fastened." 

"Yes." 

"  The  dog  is  in  the  cellar." 

"Yes." 

"  I  did  not  forget  to  put  ashes  on  the  furnace  6re.'* 

"Yes." 

"  The  servants  are  all  in." 

"Yes." 

"  The  stable  door  is  locked." 

"Yes." 

"  No;  the  water  is  not  running  in  the  bath-room." 

"Yes." 

"  The  kitten  is  out-doors." 

"Yes." 

"  I  turned  off  the  draughts  of  the  range." 

"Yes." 

"  No  ;   I  do  not  smell  smoke." 

"Yes." 

"  I  do  not  think  I  hear  anyone  trying  to  get  into 
the  house." 

"Yes." 

"No;  that  is  not  our  dog  barking;  it's  the  one 
next  door." 

"Yes." 

"  It's  not  necessary  to  go  down  and  see  if  the  cellar- 
door  is  fastened  ;   I  know  it  is." 

"Yes." 

1 


98  Englisb  "Ulllt  anD  Ibumor 

"  That  is  nobody ;  only  the  wind  rattling  the 
shutters." 

"Yes." 

"  Well,  I  think  that's  about  all.  You  see,  my  wife 
asks  me  those  questions  every  night  just  as  I  am 
getting  into  bed,  and  if  I  had  a  printed  list  I  could 
show  to  her  it  would  save  lots  of  trouble,  and  besides 
that,  it  injures  my  lungs  to  answer  them.  Have  the 
list  printed  as  soon  as  possible,  please." 

Make  it  Look  as  Well   as  Possible 
A  lady   was    once    lamenting    the    ill-luck    which 
attended  her  affairs,  when  a  friend,  wishing  to  console 
her,  bade  her  "  look  upon  the  bright  side." 

"  Oh,"  she  cried,  "  there  seems  to  be  no  bright 
side ! " 

"  Then  polish  up  the  dark  side  !  "  was  the  reply. 

A  Second  St.  Paul — in  Some  Things 
A  gentleman  interceded  with  his  bishop  for  a 
clergyman,  who  was  in  debt,  and  who  had  on  more 
than  one  occasion  been  imprisoned  at  the  instance  of 
his  creditors.  He  urged  the  abilities  of  his  friend, 
which,  notwithstanding  his  delinquencies,  were  of  no 
small  order. 

"  He  is,  in  fact,  my  lord,  really  and  truly  a  St.  Paul." 
"Yes,"    replied     the    bishop,    sarcastically;     "in 
prisons  oft." 

Mr.  Spurgeon  on  Modern  Bonnets 
Mr.  Spurgeon  was  once  asked  to  lash  the  pre- 
vailing folly,  the  invisible  bonnet.  This  he  did  in  the 
following  words  :  "  I  have  been  requested  to  rebuke 
the  bonnets  of  the  day."  All  faces  were  immediately 
upturned,  and,  scanning  the  ladies  of  the  congrega- 
tion, he  added  :  "  Really  I  see  none  !  "  A  more  bitter 
rebuke  any  other  words  could  not  have  conveyed. 

A  Skeleton  Account  Collector 
A  doctor's  servant-man  came  to  announce  a  patient 
who  was  unfavorably  known  as  a  wealthy  skinflint, 
insolent,  and  overbearing  withal,  and  a  notoriously 


Bnglisb  XUit  anO  Ibumor  99 

bad  payer.  The  doctor  ordered  the  patient  to  be 
shown  in,  and  offered  him  a  chair  in  such  a  position 
as  to  be  in  full  view  of  a  skeleton  standing  in  one 
corner  of  the  room. 

"  Ah  !"  exclaimed  the  patient,  somewhat  scared, 
"  a  skeleton  !  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  doctor,  "  it  is  that  of  one 
of  my  deceased  patients.  He  never  would  pay  his 
fees,  and  so  I  was  compelled  to  sue  the  relatives  for 
his  bones." 

"  I  will  slip  in  again  presently !  good  morning, 
doctor!  "  and  the  patient  hastily  retired. 

Next  morning  the  doctor  received  payment  in  full 
of  his  long-standing  account. 

Taking  Care  of  the  Wrong  Key 

"Joseph,"  said  the  merchant  to  the  bright  young 
man  with  the  best  references,  "  the  bookkeeper 
tells  me  that  you  have  lost  the  key  of  the  safe,  and 
cannot  get  at  the  books." 

"Yes,  sir;  one  of  them.  You  gave  me  two,  you 
remember." 

"  Yes,  I  had  duplicates  made  in  case  of  accident. 
And  the  other  ?  " 

"  Oh,  sir,  I  took  care  of  that.  I  was  afraid  I  might 
lose  one  of  them,  you  know." 

"  And  is  the  other  all  right  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir.  I  put  it  where  there  was  no  danger  of 
its  being  lost.     It  is  in  the  safe,  sir." 

Non- Convertible  Terms 

A  well-known  divine  rebuked  an  ignorant  preacher 
for  exercising  his  oratcrfcal  gift.  In  defence,  the  man 
said:  "We  are  commanded  to  preach  the  gospel  to 
every  critter." 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  divine,  "  but  every  critter  is  not 
commanded  to  preach  the  gospel." 

Hard  on  the  Donkey 
A  commercial  traveler  who  occupied  the  same  rail- 
way carriage  with  a  clergyman,  asked  him  if  he  had 
ever   heard    that   in    Paris    as  often   as  a  priest   was 


100  BnaUsb  Mit  anD  tbumor 

hanged  a  donkey  was  hanged  at  the  same  time.  The 
victim  of  the  joke  replied  in  his  blandest  manner  : 
'•  Well,  then,  let  us  both  be  thankful  that  we  are  not 
in  Paris." 

An  Answer  by  Return 

Counsel :  "How  do  you  identify  the  handkerchief?  " 

Witness :  "  By  its  general  appearance,  and  the  fact 
that  I  have  others  like  it." 

Counsel:  "  That's  no  proof,  for  I  have  got  one  just 
like  it  in  my  pocket." 

Witness :  "  I  don't  doubt  that,  as  I  had  more  than 
one  of  the  same  sort  stolen." 

Diplomacy — or,    Silence  in  view   of    Possible 
Preferment 

Sir  Robert  Walpole,  once  wanting  to  carry  a  ques- 
tion in  the  House  of  Lords,  and  not  being  quite  sure 
of  some  of  the  bishops,  prevailed  upon  the  Arch- 
bishop of  Canterbury  to  stay  at  home  for  two  or  three 
days  ;  in  the  meantime  Sir  Robert  circulated  a  report 
that  his  grace  was  dangerously  ill.  On  the  day  of 
meeting  the  House  was  remarkably  crowded  with 
lawn  sleeves,  not  one  of  whom  voted  against  the 
minister. 

One  New  Leaf  Quite  Enough  for  One  Turn 

Negligence  in  reading  sometimes  produces  whimsi- 
cal coincidences.  An  old  Joe  Miller  records  the  story 
of  a  clergyman,  who,  reading  to  his  congregation  a 
chapter  in  Genesis,  found  the  last  sentence  in  the 
page  to  be,  "And  the  Lord  gave  unto  Adam  a  wife, 
and  she — "  turning  over  two  leaves  together,  he  found 
written,  and  read  it  in  an  audible  voice — "  was  pitched 
zi'ithin  and  without.''''  He  had  unhappily  got  into 
the  middle  of  a  description  of  Noah's  ark. 

A  Thorny  Subject 

When  Milton  was  blind  he  married  a  shrew.  The 
Duke  of  Buckingham  called  her  a  rose.  "  I  am  no 
judge  of  colors,"  replied  Milton,  "and  it  may  be  so, 
for  I  feel  the  thorns  daily." 


JEn0li6b  Wiit  anO  Dumor  loi 

Hard  on  "  The  Bench  " 

A  counselor  was  one  day  asked  by  the  judge,  wliy 
he,  as  a  man  of  talents  and  integrity,  was  always 
employed  in  knavish  causes.  "  Why,  I  have  been  so 
much  in  the  habit  of  losing  good  causes  that  I  think 
I  had  better  undertake  bad  ones." 

Attending    to  Each   Other's   Faults 

A  Quaker  coming  to  town  with  his  team  was  laid 
hold  of,  and  taken  before  a  justice,  for  riding  upon 
tlie  shafts  of  his  cart,  and  fined  forty  shillings.  The 
Quaker,  without  hesitation,  threw  down  two  guineas, 
when  the  justice  offered  him  two  shillings  change. 
"Ay,"  says  the  Quaker,  ''but  thou  hast  been  at  so 
much  trouble,  thee  mayest  keep  the  two  shillings  to 
thyself ;  only  thou  write  it  down  on  a  bit  of  paper  for 
my  satisfaction  "  ;  which  the  justice  accordingly  did, 
and  gave  a  receipt  for  two  guineas,  but  not  upon 
stamped  paper.  The  Quaker  immediately  went  to  a 
neighboring  justice,  showed  him  the  receipt,  told  him 
he  had  just  taken  it,  and  asked  if  it  was  according  to 
law?  "  No,"  said  the  justice,  "it  should  have  been 
stamped."  On  this  the  justice  who  levied  the  fine 
was  brought  before  the  quorum,  and  fined  the  penalty 
of  five  pounds. 

Childish  Wit  and  Wisdom 

It  was  a  good  thought  of  a  little  girl  who  was  at 
dinner  among  a  large  party  (fearing  she  had  been  for- 
gotton  to  be  helped)  to  crumble  some  bread  upon  her 
plate,  saying  at  the  same  time  to  a  boiled  chicken 
near  her,  "  Come,  biddy,  came  f 

Public  School  Equity 

A  gentleman  resident  at  Harrow,  made  frequent 
complaints  to  the  masters  of  the  great  school  there,  of 
his  garden  being  stripped  of  its  fruit,  even  before  it 
became  ripe — but  to  no  purpose. 

Tired  of  applying  to  the  masters  for  redress,  he  at 
length  appealed  to  the  boys,  and,  sending  for   one  to 


102  Bnflllsb  'Uait  an^  Ibumor 

his  house,  he  said,  "  Now,  mj^  good  fellow,  I'll  make 
this  agreement  with  you  and  your  companions  :  let  the 
fruit  remain  on  the  trees  till  it  becomes  ripe,  and  I 
promise  to  give  you  half." 

The  boy  coolly  replied,  "  I  can  say  nothing  to  the 
proposition,  sir,  myself,  but  will  make  it  known  to 
the  rest  of  the  boys,  and  inform  you  of  their  decision 
to-morrow." 

Next  day  came,  and  brought  with  it  this  reply  ; 
"  The  gentlemen  of  Harrow  cannot  agree  to   recewe 

so  unequal  a  share,  since  Mr. is  an  individual,  and 

we  are  many." 

Dining  Late 

Some    one    remarking    that    the    dinner-hour    was 
always    getting  later  and    later,    "  Ay,"  quoth    Sa 
Rogers,    "  it    will    soon    end    in    our   not  dining   *' 
to-morrow." 


im 
till 


His  Own — with  Usury 

A  cornet  of  hussars,  who  was  not  the  most  polished 
in  his  manners,  having  joined  his  regiment,  was  asked 
by  his  colonel  what  his  father  was. 

"  A  farmer."  said  the  cornet. 

"  Pity  your  father  did  not  make  you  follow  his 
trade." 

"  Pray,  sir,"  asked  the  cornet,  "  what  is  your 
father  ?  " 

"  A  gentleman,  sir." 

"  Pity  he  did  not  make  you  one,"  replied  the  cornet. 

The  Archbishop  and  the  Archdeacon 

(Poem  alleged  by  the  author  to  have  been  composed  by  the  Arch- 
bishop of  Canterbury  on  the  day  his  grace  "deprived"  Mr. 
Decison.) 

Transubstantiation  is  vexation, 
Consubstantiation  is  as  bad  ; 

Archdeacon  D doth  trouble  me. 

And  I  rather  think  he's  mad. 

—J.  B.  Cantuar.      [i] 


JEnflUsb  "Uatt  anO  Ibumoc  103 

The  Strength  of  Political  Bias 

A  grand  success  rewarded  the  ingenious  device  of 
a  physician,  having  to  deal  with  a  very  obstinate 
patient,  whose  weak  point,  or  strong  point,  was  his 
implacable  Toryism.  The  patient  w-as  a  West  of 
England  bishop.  He  was  very  ill,  and  to  expedite 
recovery,  his  physician  prescribed  small  doses  of 
l)randy,  to  be  taken  at  regular  intervals. 

Now  the  prelate  hated  brandy,  and  declared  he 
would  have  none  of  it.  In  vain  did  the  physician 
insist  upon  the  duty  he  owed  to  his  diocese, his  wife,  and 
liis  family  ;  and  when  he  suggested  that  his  lordship 
liad  better  make  arrangements  for  his  departure  from 
this  world,  as  without  brandy  he  must  die,  the  bishop 
calmly  answered  that  he  was  prepared  to  die,  but  he 
would  not  touch  the  brandy. 

Walking  up  to  the  head  of  the  bed,  the  doctor  bent 
over  the  refractory  man,  and  whispered  in  his  ear  : 
"  Need  I  remind  you  that  Russell  is  in  olfice,  and  a 
Whig  will  be  your  successor  to  the  bishopric  !  " 

''Fetch  the  brandy,  doctor!"  cried  the  bishop; 
"  I'll  drink  a  quart  if  necessary  !  " 

The  ruse  succeeded. 

Tv^o  Negatives  Imply  an  Afiirmation 

Dr.  Wayland  had  a  boy  about  six  years  old,  who 
was  anything  but  a  fool.  The  doctor  placed  him 
under  the  care  of  one  of  the  students,  with  the  charge 
that  he  should  not  go  out  without  permission  from  his 
tutor. 

"  May  I  go  out?  "  at  length   inquired  our  hero. 

"  No,"  was  the  laconic  reply. 

A  few  minutes'  pause  followed.  "  May  I  go  out  ?  " 
again  inquired  the  boy. 

"  No,"  was  again  the  response. 

The  miniature  edition  of  the  doctor  slowly  rose 
from  his  seat,  took  up  his  cap,  and  pushed  for  the 
door. 

"Stop!"  said  the  tutor.  '•  L»«  you  know  what 
'  no'  means  ? " 

"Yes,"  said  Charlie  ;    "  it  is  a  particle  of  negation, 


104  BuQlisb  "Mit  anD  Ibumor 

and  two  of  them  coming  together  are  equivalent  to 
an  affirmation/' 

His  wit  was  his  passport. 

"  Where   are  We?" 

"  What  would  our  wives  say  if  they  knew  where  we 
are?  "  said  the  captain  of  a  schooner  when  they  were 
beating  about  in  a  fog,  fearful  of  going  ashore. 

"  Humph  !  I  shouldn't  mind  that,"  replied  the 
mate,  "  if  we  only  knew  where  we  were  ourselves." 

Destructive  Criticism 

An  instance  of  astonishing  quickness  is  related  of  the 
witty  Duke  of  Buckingham.  Being  present  at  the  rtrst 
representation  of  one  of  Dryden's  pieces  of  heroic  non- 
sense where  a  lover  says,  "  My  wound  is  great  because 
\t  is  so  Sf?ia/l  / ''  the  duke  cried  out,  "  Then  'twould 
be  greater  were  it  none  at  ally  The  play  was 
instantly  ruined. 

The  Letter  H 

Rowland  Hill,  when  at  college,  was  remarkable  for 
his  wit.  In  a  conversation  on  the  powers  of  the  letter 
H,  in  which  it  was  contended  that  it  was  no  letter,  but 
a  simple  aspiration  of  breathing,  Rowland  took  the 
opposite  side  of  the  question,  insisted  on  its  being  to 
all  intents  and  purposes  a  'etter,  and  concluded  by 
observing  that  if  it  were  not  it  was  a  very  serious 
affair  to  him,  as  it  would  occasion  his  being  "  ill  "  all 
the  days  of  his  life. 

"  Change  "  and  "  Rest  " 
The    man   who  went    to  the  country  for   rest   and 
change  of  air  says  the  waiters  get  the  change,  at  least 
the  most  of  it,  and  the  landlord  the  I'esL 

The  Power  of  Emphasis 
A  poor  woman  of  Shoreham,  whose  husband  was 
going  to  sea,  handed,  through  the  clerk,  to  the  par- 
son, this  public  prayer  :  "  A  man  going  to  sea,  his  wife 
desires  the  prayers  of  the  congregation." 

The  parson,  pointing  it  in  his  own  way,  read  to  the 
ears  of  the  flock  :  "A  man  going  to  see  his  ztn/c, 
desires  the  prayers  of  the  congregation." 


lewQlisb  Tidit  an&  Ibumor  105 

An  elderly  gentleman  being  ill,  one  of  his  friends 
sent  a  messenger  with  the  usual  inquiry,  which,  how- 
ever, he  had  not  pronounced  with  due  emphasis — 
"  I'll  thank  you  to  take  my  compliments,  and  ask  how 

old  Mr.  W is  ?  "      The  messenger  departed  on  his 

errand    and    speedily    returned,    saying,    "  He's  just 
sixty-eight,  sir !  " 

How  to  Treat  the  Hands 

One  of  our  brilliant  college  youths  was  heard  lately 
complaining  in  the  presence  of  the  family  about  how 
difficult  he  found  it  to  behave  when  in  society  with  as 
much  ease  and  gracefulness  as  he  could  wish. 

"Why,"  he  said  at  last,  with  a  look  of  the  utmost 
self-humiliation  on  his  face,  "  if  you'll  believe  me,  I 
get  so  at  times  that  I  don't  know  what  to  do  with  my 
hands." 

Then  the  youngest  member  of  the  family,  who  cared 
little  for  society  and  less  for  his  elders,  brought  down 
the  house  by  remarking  heartlessly  :  "  Why  don't  you 
wash  them  ?  " 

A  Witty  Dean  Checkmated 

A  friend  of  Dean  Swift  one  day  sent  him  a  turbot 
as  a  present  by  a  servant-lad,  who  had  frequently  been 
on  similar  errands,  but  had  never  received  anything 
from  the  dean.  He  opened  the  study  door,  and  put- 
ting the  fish  on  the  floor,  cried  out  rudely  :  "  My 
master  has  sent  you  a  turbot." 

"  Young  man,"  said  the  dean,  "  is  that  the  way  you 
deliver  a  message  ?  Let  me  teach  you  better  man- 
ners. Sit  down  in  my  chair.  We  will  change  places 
and  I  will  show  you  how  to  behave  in  future." 

The  boy  sat  down,  and  the  dean  going  out,  came  to 
the  door  and,  making  a  low  bow,  said  : 

"  Sir,  my  master  sends  you  his  kind  compliments, 
and  hopes  you  are  well,  and  requests  3'our  acceptance 
of  a  small  present." 

"Indeed!"  replied  the  boy.  "Return  him  my 
best  thanks  ;  and  there  is  half  a  crown  for  yourself." 

The  dean,  thus  caught  in  his  own  trap,  laughed 
heartily  and  gave  the  boy  a  crown  for  his  ready  wit. 


106  BtiQlisb  "Mit  auD  Ibumor 

A  Carefully-trained  Witness 

A  boy  about  twelve  years  old  was  an  important 
witness  in  a  lawsuit.  One  of  the  lawyers,  after  cross- 
questioning  him  severely,  said:  "Your  father  has 
been  talking  to  you  and  telling  you  how  to  testify, 
hasn't  he?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  the  boy. 

"  Now,"  said  the  lawyer,  "just  tell  us  how  your 
father  told  you  to  testify." 

"Well,"  said  the  boy,  modestly,  "father  told  me 
that  the  lawyers  would  try  and  entangle  me  in  my 
testimony,  but  if  I  would  just  be  careful  and  tell  the 
truth  I  could  tell  the  same  thing  every  time." 

Skin  and  Bone  versus  Piesh  and  Blood 

At  the  time  when  the  price  of  corn  was  very  high, 
Dr.  Byrom,  of  Manchester,  wrote  the  following  epi- 
gram on  two  millers,  who  were  said  to  have  combined 
to  raise  the  price  still  higher  : 

"  Bone  and  Skin, 
Two  millers  thin. 
Would  starve  the  town,  or  near  it ; 
But  be  it  known 
To  Skin  and  Bone, 
That  flesh  and  blood  won't  bear  it." 

Cobbett  and  the  Goose 
When  Cobbett  kept  a  stationer's  shop  at  Phila- 
delphia, and  was  writing  under  the  name  of  *'  Peter 
Porcupine,"  a  young  sub  went  to  buy  some  quills, 
and  thinking  to  pass  a  joke  upon  Peter,  asked  him  if 
they  were  not  Porcupine  quills.  Upon  which  Cobbett, 
taking  up  the  red  coat's  money,  drily  replied,  making 
at  the  same  time  a  very  profound  bow,  "  Oh,  no,  sir  ! 
they  are  a  goose' s.'' 

No  "  Manners  "  to  Spare 

"  You  had  better  ask  for  manners  than  money," 
said  a  finely-dressed  gentleman  to  a  beggar  who  asked 
for  alms. 

"  1  asked  for  what  I  thought  you  had  the  most  of," 
was  the  cutting  rej)ly. 


JBnQlieb  XUit  anD  Ibumor  107 

Filial  Solicitude  and  Long  Life 
The    evening    before    a    battle,    an    officer    asked 
Marshal  Toiras  for  permission  to  go  and  see  his  father, 
who  was  at  the  point  of  death. 

"  Go,"  said  the  marshal,  who  saw  through  his  pre- 
text :  "  honor  thy  father  and  mother,  that  thy  days 
may  be  long  in  the  land." 

The  Fly  Declining  the  Spider's  Invitation 
A  recruiting  sergeant,  addressing  an  honest  country 

bumi)kin   in   one  of  the   streets  of   Manchester,  with 

"Come,   my  lad,   thou' It    fight   for    thy  king,   won't 

thou?" 

"  Voight  for  my  king!"  answered  Hodge;  "why, 

has  hejazfn  out  wi'  ony  body?  " 

"  Playing  the  Fool  " 
A    lady    beating   time    on    a    table,  as  destitute  of 
harmony  as  tune,  asked   another   if  she  knew  what 
she  played.    "  I  do,"  answered  she  ;   "  you  are  playing 
theyoo/." 

The  Inflexibility  of  "  Habit  " — both  in  Name  and 
Nature 
■  Habit"  is  hard  to  overcome.  If  you  take  off  the 
tirst  letter  it  does  not  change  "a  bit."  If  you  take 
oii  another  you  still  have  a  "bit"  left.  If  you  take 
ott  still  another  the  whole  of  "it"  remains.  If  you 
take  another,  it  is  not  totally  used  up.  All  of  which 
shows  that  if  you  wish  to  get  rid  of  "  habit,"  you  must 
throw  it  oft  altogether. 

A  Child's  Definition  of  Happiness 
.■\  little  girl   in   Norwich  gave  this  pretty  definition 
of  the  word  happy  :   "To  feel  as  if  you  wanted  to  give 
all  your  things  to  your  little  sister." 

No  Escaping  the  Collection  on  that  Occasion 
On  one  occasion  Rowland  Hill  was  preaching  for  a 
public    charity,    when    a    note   was    handed    to   him 
inquiring  if  it  would  be  right  for  a  bankrupt  to  con- 
tribute.     He  noticed  the  matter  in  the  course  of  his 


108  JEiiGlisb  "CClit  an^  Ibumor 

sermon,  and  pronounced  decidedly  that  such  a  person 
could  not  do  so  in  Christian  honest}-.  "  But,  my 
friends,"  he  added,  "  I  would  advise  you  who  are  not 
insolvent  not  to  pass  the  plate  this  evening,  as 
the  people  will  be  sure  to  say,  '  There  goes  the 
bankrupt !  '  " 

A  Woman's  Reason  for  Preferring  Extempore 
Preaching 

An  English  clergyman  asked  an  uneducated  woman 
whether  she  liked  his  written  or  unwritten  sermons 
the  best.  After  thinking  a  few  moments,  she  said  : 
"  Why,  I  loike  yo'  the  best  without  the  book,  because 
yo'  keep  saying  the  same  thing  over  and  over  again, 
and  that  helps  me  to  remember  what  I  hear  a  good 
deal  better." 

Up  and  "  Doing  " 

The  father  of  a  young  man  who  devotes  more 
attention  to  gaming,  horse-racing,  etc.,  than  to  busi- 
ness, was  met  by  a  friend,  who  asked  him  what  his 
son  Jack  was  doing  now, 

"  Doing,  sir?  "  said  the  papa — "  doing  his  father,  as 
usual." 

A  Lesson  to  Clients 
Two  iawyers,  when  a  knotty  case  was  o'er, 
Shook  hands,  although  they  wrangled  hard  before  ; 
"  Zounds  !  "  said  the  client  who  was  cast.  "  pray,  how 
Can  you  be  friends,  that  were  such  foes  just  now  ?  " 
"  You  fool,"  says  one,  '•  we  lawyers,  though  so  keen, 
Like  shears,  ne'er  cut  ourselves — but  what's  between." 

A  Good  Conundrum 

Chelmsford  was  once  considered  to  be  decidedly  the 
worst  theatrical  town  in  England.  Keeley  was  fortu- 
nate enough  to  go  thither  as  a  star.  The  first  night 
he  acted  to  a  select  few,  the  second  night  the  numbers 
were  scantier  than  before,  and  on  the  third  and  last 
night  the  auditors  were  few  and  far  between.  The 
last  piece  was  "  The  Hundred  Pound  Note,"  in  which 
Keeley  played  the  conundrum-making  Billy  Black. 
In  the  last  scene  he  advanced  to  the  lights  and   said, 


Bnglisb  XUit  anD  Ibunior  109 

"  I've  one  more,  and  this  is  a  good  'un  :  '  Why  is  the 
Chehnsford  theatre  like  a  half-moon  ?  '  D'ye  give  it 
up?     Because  it  is  never  full." 

Patriarchal  Longevity  Accounted  For 

A  certain  young  ck-r:4yman,  modest  almost  to  bash- 
fulness,  was  once  asked  by  a  country  apothecary  of  a 
contrary  character,  in  a  public  and  crowded  assembly, 
and  in  a  tone  of  voice  to  catch  the  attention  of 
the  whole  company,  "  How  it  happened  that  the 
patriarchs  lived  to  such  an  extreme  old  age?"  To 
which  impertinent  question  he  immediately  replied, 
"  Perhaps  they  took  no  physic." 

Modern  Commercial  Penalties 

Talking  about  busy  men  who  leave  their  homes 
early  and  get  back  after  dark,  and  never  see  their 
children  ;  a  man  of  that  sort  was  hurrying  away 
one  morning  when  he  found  that  his  little  boy  had  got 
up  before  him,  and  was  playing  on  the  side-walk.  He 
told  the  child  to  go  in.  The  child  wouldn't  and  the 
man  spanked  him,  and  went  to  business.  The  child 
went  in  howling. 

The  mother  said,  "  What's  the  matter  ?  " 

"  Man  hit  me,"  blubbered  the  youngster. 

••  What  man  ?  " 

"  That  man  that  stays  here  Sundays." 

An  Accommodating  Exciseman 

Early  in  the  nineteenth  century  a  countryman  was 
topped  by  a  revenue  officer,  who  took  from  him  two 
casks  of  spirits,  and,  carrying  the  same  to  the  next 
town — a  distance  of  fifteen  miles — was  desired  by  the 
countryman  to  stop  and  leave  it  at  the  first  public- 
house. 

The  officer  replied  :  "  No  ;  I  have  seized  it,  and  it 
must  go  to  the  excise  office." 

"  Not  so.  master,"  said  the  countryman  ;  "  I  have  a 
little  bit  of  paper  here,  which  if  you'll  take  the  trouble 
of  reading,  will  convince  you  I  am  right." 

The  officer,   reading  his   bit   of  paper,  exclaimed  : 


110  jenyli6b  Mit  anD  Ibumot 

"  Why,  you  rogue,  this  is  a  permit.  Why  did  you  not 
show  me  this  sooner?  " 

"  Because."  said  he,  "  if  I  had,  you  would  not  have 
carried  the  liquor  so  far  for  me." 

"  Without  Knowledge  or  Understanding  " 

"  Doctor,"  said  a  person  once  to  a  surgeon,  "my 
daughter  has  had  a  terrible  fit  this  morning  ;  she  con- 
tinued full  half  an  hour  without  knowledge  or  under- 
standing." 

"  Oh,"  replied  the  doctor,  "  never  mind  that  ;  many 
people  continue  so  all  their  lives." 

The  Gallant  Butcher 
In  a  country  market,  a  lady,  laying  her  hand  on  a 

joint  of  veal  said,    "  I  think,   Mr. this  veal   is  not 

quite  so  white  as  usual."  "  Put  on  your  glove, 
madam,"  replied  the  dealer,  "  and  you  will  think  dif- 
ferently." The  veal  was  ordered  home  without 
another  word  of  objection. 

Not  "  Forever  !  " 
When  Mr.  Wilberforce  was  a  candidate  for  Hull, 
his  sister,  an  amiable  and  witty  young  lady,  offered 
the  compliment  of  a  new  gown  to  each  of  the  wives 
of  those  freemen  who  voted  for  her  brother — on  which 
she  was  saluted  with  a  cry  of  "  Miss  Wilberforce  for- 
ever  J  " — when  she  pleasantly  observed,  "  I  thank  you, 
gentlemen  ;  but  I  cannot  agree  with  you — for,  really,  I 
tlo  not  wish  to  be  Miss  Wilberfoixe  forcve)! '''' 

Lamb  and  Coleridge 
"  Charles,"  said  Coleridge  one  day  to  Lamb,  "  did 
you  ever  hear  me  preach  ?  " 

"  I  never  heard  you  do  anj'thing  else,''  said  Lamb. 

Necessary  Evils 

A  gentleman  was  in  the  habit  of  calling  his  servants, 

before  their  faces,  "  Necessary  evils."      He  quarreled 

with  one  of  them,  who  left  him  in  a  rage,  said  he  was 

sick  of  service,  and  vowed  that  he  would  never  enter 


jEwQlieb  THait  anD  Ibumoc  ill 

it  again.  A  few  days  after,  his  old  master,  meeting 
him  in  liverj^  said,  "  Poh  !  you  are  gone  into  service- 
after  all  !  "  "Ah.  sir,  I  have  found  that  masters  art 
necessary  evils." 

Not  Deaf  Enough  to  go  to  Concerts 

Lord  X<)rth,\vIiohad  a  great  antipathy  to  music,  being 
asked  why  he  did  not  subscribe  to  the  Ancient  Con 
certs,  and  it  being  urged  as  a  reason  for  it  that  his 
brother,  the  Bishop  of  W'inchester,  did,  "  Ay,"  replied 
his  lordship,  "if  I  were  as  deaf  as  my  brother,  1 
would  subscribe,  too." 

One  Thankful— the  Other  Glad 

When  Dr.  Johnson  had  completed  his  dictionary, 
which  had  quite  exhausted  the  patience  of  Mr.  Andrew 
Miller,  his  bookseller,  the  latter  acknowledged  the 
receipt  of  the  last  sheet  in  the  following  note ; 
"  Andrew  Miller  sends  his  compliments  to  Mr.  Samuel 
Johnson,  with  the  money  for  the  last  sheet  of  the  cop> 
of  the  dictionary',  and  thanks  God  he  has  done  witli 
him." 

To  this  rude  note  the  doctor  returned  the  following 
smart  answer  :  "  Samuel  Johnson  returns  his  compli- 
ments to  Mr.  Andrew  Miller,  and  is  very  glad  to  find 
(as  he  does  by  his  note)  that  Andrew  Miller  has  the 
grace  to  thank  God  for  anything." 

Silencing  a  Scoffer 

Mr.  Rees,  a  well-known  preacher,  was  once  accosted 
by  a  would-be  wag,  and  questioned  as  follows  :  "  Do 
you  believe  the  Bible  w^hat  it  says  about  the  prodigal 
son  and  the  fatted  calf?" 

"  Certainly  I  do." 

"  Well,  can  you  tell  me  whether  the  calf  that  was 
killed  was  a  male  or  female  calf  ?  " 

"  Yes,  it  was  a  female  calf." 

"  How  do  you  know  that  ?  " 

"  Because,"  said  Rees,  looking  the  man  in  the  face, 
"  I  see  the  male  is  alive  now." 


112  jengUab  Wit  and  Ibumot 

A  Well-timed  "Grace" 

Dr.  Pease,  Dean  of  Ely,  was  once  at  dintier  when, 
just  as  the  cloth  was  removed,  the  subject  of  discourse 
happened  to  be  that  of  extraordinary  mortality  among 
lawyers. 

"We  have  lost,"  said  a  gentleman,  "  not  less  than 
six  eminent  barristers  in  as  many  months." 

The  dean,  who  was  very  deaf,  rose  as  his  friend 
finished  his  remarks  and  gave  the  company  grace  : 
"  For  this,  and  every  other  mercy,  make  us  truly 
thankful." 

Proclaiming  His  Ignorance 

Jtidge  :  "Your  Christian  name  and  surname?" 
Prisoner  {taken  up  for  va,s[rancy\  :    "  Ah,  anybody 
can  see  you  are  new  to  the  place.      All  your  predeces- 
sors knew  me  well  enough.'' 

Burning  His  Idol 

An  eminent  divine  was  both  a  great  wag  and  a 
great  smoker. 

"  Ha,  there  you  are,"  cried  a  lady,  who  surprised 
him  one  day  with  a  pipe  in  his  mouth,  "  at  your  idol 
again  !  " 

"  Yes,  madam,"  replied  he,  couly,  "  burning  it." 

A  Clever  Juror 
A  juror  having  applied  to  the  judge  to  be  excused 
from  serving  on  account  of  deafness,  the  judge  said  : 
"  Could  you  hear  my  charge  to  the  jury,  sir?  "  "  Yes, 
I  heard  your  honor's  charge,"  said  the  juror;  "but  I 
couldn't  make  any  sense  out  of  it."    He  was  excused. 

Granting  His  Request 
'Who's    there?"    said    Jenkins,  one    cold    winter 
night,  disturbed  in  his  repose  by  some  one  knocking 
at  the  street  door. 

"  A  friend,"  was  the  answer. 
"  What  do  you  want  ?  " 
"  Want  to  stay  here  all  night." 
"  Queer  taste,    ain't    it  ?      But   stay  there  by  all 
means,"  was  the  benevolent  answer. 


Bnglisb  llQit  an&  f)umor  lis 

Lamb  and  Mince  "  Sauce  " 
Charles     Lamb     remarked     of      one    of    his     crit- 
ics :   "  The   more  I  think  of  him.  the  less  I  think  of 
him." 

A  Dead  Letter 

A  .a;ood  story  is  told  answering  the  late  Rev.  W. 
Barnes,  the  Dorsetshire  poet,  which  will  interest 
spelling  reformers.  One  day  he  went  into  a  village 
school  where  a  little  boy  and  girl  were  sitting  together. 
The  girl  was  crying,  and  when  he  asked  the  reason 
she  said  that  Johnny  had  the  word  "  psalm  "  to  write 
in  his  copy-book,  "  and,"  she  said,  with  a  fresh  burst 
of  tears,  "  he  ha'  scope  out  the  '  p  '  with  his  elbow  !  " 
Then  Johnny  fired  up,  and  said:  '-What  if  I  did 
scope  of  en  out?  He  didn't  spell  naught,  and  what 
was  the  good  of  en  ?  " 

The  Dean  and  the  Lunatic 

Dean  Stanley  had  great  respect  for  presence  of 
mind,  and  used  with  great  delight  to  tell  a  story  of 
presence  of  mind  by  which  he  liberated  himself  from 
a  dangerous  visitor.  Since  he  was  willing  to  see 
almost  any  one  who  asked  for  him,  he  once  told  his 
servant  to  usher  into  his  study  a  gentleman  who  had 
called,  and  who  happened  to  bear  a  name  which  was 
familiar  to  him. 

When  the  gentleman  appeared  he  proved  to  be  an 
entire  stranger.  It  was  evident  there  had  been  some 
mistake.  This  became  still  more  evident  when, 
advancing  with  an  air  of  great  excitement,  the  gen- 
tleman exclaimed  :  "  Sir,  I  have  a  message  to  the 
Queen  from  the  Most  High.  I  beg  that  you  will 
deliver  it  instantly." 

"  In  that  case,"  said  the  dean,  taking  up  his  hat. 
"  there  is  not  a  moment  to  be  lost.  Let  us  go  at  once." 
They  went  down  stairs  into  the  hall,  and,  opening  the 
door,  the  dean  requested  his  visitor  to  step  out.  No 
sooner  had  he  done  so  than  the  dean  shut  the  door 
behind  the  lunatic. 


114  BncjUsb  van  auD  t>umor 

A  Cutting  Answer 

A  well-known  clergyman  was  busily  searching  in 
the  Minster  Library  at  York,  on  one  occasion,  when 
two  young  officers  of  the  garrison  lounged  in.  Mis- 
taking him  for  the  verger,  they  said,  "  Well,  old  man, 
what  have  you  got  to  show  us  ?  " 

"Sir,"  replied  the  clergyman,  "to  gentlemen  we 
show  the  library  ;  to  others,  the  door." 

Quoting  the  Fathers 
The  first  Protestant  Duke  of  Norfolk,  carrying  the 
sword  of  State  before  James  II  to  his  chapel,  stopped 
at  the  door,  and  would  go  no  farther.  The  king  said, 
"Your  father  would  have  gone  farther"  ;  to  which 
the  duke  answered,  "  Your  father  would  not  have 
gone  so  far." 

Curious  Letter  sent  by  a  Quaker  to  his 
Watchmaker 

I  send  thee,  once  more,  my  erroneous  watch,  which 
wants  thy  speedy  care  and  correction.  Since  the  last 
time  he  was  at  thy  school,  I  find  by  experience  he  is 
not  benefited  by  thy  instructions.  Thou  demandest 
for  thy  labor  the  fifth  part  of  a  pound  sterling,  which 
thou  shalt  have.  Init  let  thy  honest  endeavors  first 
earn  it.  I  will  l)Oard  him  with  thee  a  little  longer, 
and  pay  for  his  table  if  thou  requirest  it. 

Let  thy  whole  endeavors  and  observations  be  upon 
him,  for  he  has  mightily  deviated  from  the  principles 
of  truth.  I  am  afraid  he  is  foul  in  the  inward  man — 
I  mean  his  springs.  Prove  and  try  him  well  with  the 
adjusting  tools  of  truth,  that,  if  possible,  he  may  be 
drawn  from  the  error  of  his  ways. 

By  the  inde.x  of  his  tongue  he  is  a  liar,  and  the 
motion  of  his  body  is  ever  variable  and  uncertain.  I 
presume  his  body  is  foul,  as  I  before  observed  ;  there- 
fore brush  him  well  with  thy  cleansing  instruments 
from  all  pollutions,  that  he  may  vibrate  with  regularity 
and  truth  ;  admonish  him  friendly  with  patience,  and 
be  not  too  hasty  and  rash  in  thy  correction,  lest,  by 
endeavoring  to  reduce  him  from  one  error,  thou 
Rhalt    fling   him    headlong    into    another ;    for    he    is 


Snglisb  lUit  anO  Dumor  iio 

young,  and  of  a  malleable  temper,  he  maj',  with  dne 
correction,  be  brought  into  the  path  of  truth. 

In  fine,  let  hira  visit  often  the  motion  of  the  sun, 
and  regulate  him  by  his  table  of  equation,  and  when 
thou  findest  them  agree,  send  him  home  with  thy  bill 
of  moderation,  to  thy  friend,  Tobias  Goswell. 

Sticking  at    Nothing 

Tom  Burnet,  son  of  Bishop  Burnet,  happened  to  be 
at  dinner  at  the  Lord  Mayor's,  in  the  latter  part  of 
Oueen  Annie's  reign,  when  the  Tories  were  for  a 
short  space  triumphant.  After  two  or  three  healths, 
'The  Ministry"  was  toasted.  Tom,  unwilling  to 
compromise  his  principles  by  drinking  to  a  cabinet 
he  could  not  approve  of,  endeavored  to  escape  by 
telling  a  story  to  a  person  who  sat  next  to  him.  This, 
however,  would  not  do  with  the  Lord  Mayor,  who, 
observing  a  full  glass  on  the  table,  called  out,  '*  Gen- 
tlemen, where  sticks  the  ministry?  " 

"At  nothing,"  replied  the  Whig,  and  immediately 
drank  off  his  glass. 

Homage  to  the    Scottish  Rifles.       (By  a  Spiteful 
Competitor.) 
It  seems  that  the  Scots 
Turn  out  much  better  shots 
At  long  distance,  than  most  of  the  Englishmen  are  : 
But  this  we  all  knew 
That  a  Scotchman  could  do — 
Make  a  small  piece  of  metal  go  awfully  far.      [i] 

Sydney  Smith  and  the  Stout  Widow 
As  an  instance  of  the  way  in  which  Sydney  Smith 
clung  to  a  joke,  and  would  not  let  it  go  until  he  had 
got  all  the  fun  out  of  it,  we  may  quote  his  description 
of  a  voluminous  widow,  whom  an  ambitious  young 
man  was  about  to  marry  :  "  Going  to  marry  her  !  "  he 
exclaimed,  bursting  out  laughing;  "going  to  marry 
her !  Impossible !  You  mean  a  part  of  her.  He 
could  not  marry  her  all  himself.  It  would  be  a  case, 
not  of  bigamy,  but  of  trigamy.  The  neighborhood  or 
the  magistrates  should  inttrftre.      There  is  enough  of 


116  jen^lisb  "Viait  anD  Ibumot 

her  to  furnish  wives  for  the  whole  parish.  One  man 
marry  her  !  It  is  monstrous  !  You  might  people  a 
colony  with  her,  or  give  an  assembly  with  her,  or 
perhaps  take  your  morning  walk  round  her — always 
supposing  there  were  frequent  resting  places,  and  you 
were  in  rude  health.  I  once  was  rash  enough  to  try 
walking  round  her  myself,  but  only  got  half-way,  and 
gave  it  up  exhausted.  Or  you  might  read  the  Riot 
Act  and  disperse  her  ;  in  short,  you  might  do  anything 
with  her  but  marry  her."      [2] 

A  Novelty  in  the  Way  of  a  Loan 

"I  say.  Jack,"  shouted  a  Smithfield  drover  tht- 
other  day  to  his  pal,  "these  sheep  won't  move  in  lliis 
weather — lend  us  a  bark  of  your  dog,  will  ye?" 

The  Human  Side  of  Royalty 
A  Spanish  ambassador  one  day  entered  rather 
unexpectedly  into  a  room  in  which  Henry  IV  was 
discovered  on  all  fours,  with  his  little  son  upon  his 
back.  The  king  stopped,  and  looking  earnestly  at 
the  ambassador,  said  to  him,  "  Pray,  sir,  have  you  any 
children  !  " 

"  Yes,  sir  ;  several." 

"  W'tll,  then,  I  shall  complete  my  round,"  and  he 
immediately  set  off  on  hands  and  knees  again,  till 
both  boy  and  father  were  tired  with  the  s^jort. 

The  *'  Form  "  which  Gives  the  Rite  Meaning 
At  a  recent  examination  of  girls  in  Cheshire  for  the 
rite  of  confirmation,  in  answer  to  the  question,  "  What 
is  the  outward  and  visible  sign  and  form  in  baptism  ?  " 
the  reply  was,  "  The  baby,  sir." 

A  Forget-me-not 

Douglas  Jerrold  was  walking  with  a  party  of  literati 
in  the  country,  and  in  the  course  of  their  walk  they 
stopped  to  notice  the  gambols  of  a  little  donkey.  A 
very  sentimental  poet  present  said  he  should  like  to 
send  the  little  thing  as  a  present  to  his  mother.  "  Do." 
replied  Jerrold,  "  and  tie  a  piece  of  paper  round  its 
neck,  with  the  motto,  '  When  this  vou  see,  remember 
me.'"     [4] 


jEnQlisb  lUit  anD  Ibuinoc  117 

The  Treaty  Explained 
[The  Treaty  of  Peace  concluded  after  the  Crimeaa 
War  met  with  very  little  favor.] 

"  Papa,  you  came  up  to  my  bed, 
And  called  me  '  little  sleepy-head,' 

About  a  month  ago, 
And  made  me  wake  and  hear  the  guns, 
Telling  all  London-town  at  once, 
That  there  was  peace,  you  know." 

"  My  angel  child,  I  did  by  thee 
That  which  my  father  did  to  me  ; 

You  fancied  it  unkind  ; 
But  no,  my  love  ;  some  day  you'll  tell 
Your  children  you  remember  well 

When  this  new  peace  was  signed." 
"  It  was  quite  kind  of  you  to  take 
The  trouble,  pa,  to  make  me  wake, 

Upon  that  Sunday  night  ; 
But,  pa,  I  wish  you'd  tell  me  what 
To  tell  mv  children,  chat  we  got 

By  all  this  dreadful  fight?  " 
"  My  darling,  yes,  Vm  very  glad 
That,  like  a  prudent  little  lad, 

You  ask  such  questions,  dear. 
We've  got  a  treaty — that  is,  mind, 
A  paper  which  great  folks  have  signed, 

To  put  things  straight  and  clear." 

*'  A  paper — one  that  I  can  read  ?  " 
"  No,  love,  I  think  you'd  not  succeed, 
Although  it's  a  translation. 
It's  made  in  chapters,  thirty-four, 
With  twenty  protocols,  or  more. 
Besides  a  declaration." 

"  But  tell  me,  pa,  what  it's  about  : 
Some  one,  you  know,  must  make  it  out, 
Or  nobody's  the  better." 
"Well,  dear,  I'll  try,  if  you'll  attend— 
The  spirit  you  can  comprehend. 
So  never  mind  the  letter. 


118  J6n0lisb  Mit  anD  Ibumoc 

"  All  what  we've  taken  from  the  Czar, 
From  the  beginninj;  of  the  war, 

We  are  to  give  him  back  ; 
Sebastopol,  and  six  more  towns, 
And  the  Crimean  liills  and  downs, 

We  must  surrender,  whack. 

"  All  the  strong  forts  he  had  before. 
Along  the  Black  Sea's  Asian  shore.. 

He  is  to  have  again, 
That  he  may  bring  his  arniies  there. 
And  make  the  brave  Circaiisiau  bear 

His  long-resisted  chain. 

"If  he  raise  and  take  away 
The  ships  he  sank,  my  dear,  he  may 

And  to  the  Baltic  steer  'em  ; 
To  have  them  ready  there  at  need. 
One  of  these  day  the  Dane  or  Swede 

May  find  them  much  too  near  him. 

"  He's  not  to  pay  a  single  sou 
Of  all  the  cost  hes  i)ut  us  to, 

Tliat  forty  millions — blow  him  ; 
Nor  give  one  single  guarantee 
That  what  he  protuises  shall  be 

Performed — and  yet  we  know  him. 

"  And  we  ourselves  are  so  polite 
That  we  resign  the  ancient  right 

We  held  against  the  world. 
'  Twas  the  old  Sea-king's  gallant  brag 
The  homage  paid  by  every  flag, 

When  England's  flag  unfurled." 

**  But,  pa,  you've  only  told  me,  yet, 
What  these  fine  Russians  are  to  get, 

Tell  me  what  they're  to  do  : 
I  hoped  our  men,  who  fought  so  brave, 
Had  punished  them,  and  they'd  behave 

Much  better — didn't  you  ?  " 


BngUsb  liClit  ant>  "bumor  119 

"  My  love,  that's  what  we're  thankful  for, 
We've  gained  the  objects  of  the  war, 

Hearing,  from  Russian  lips, 
The  Czar  will  let  the  Turks  alone, 
Will  not  rebuild  some  forts  of  stone, 

Or  build  big  Black  Sea  ships. 

*'  And  (years  to  come,  though. ,  I'm  afraid) 
The  Danube  will  be  free  for  trade — 
That's  all  the  gain  we  reap." 
"  My  own  papa,  mine  honored  sire. 
When  those  park  guns  began  to  fire, 
You  might  have  let  me  sleep."      [i] 

Sydney  Smith  on  the  Education  of  Women 
Sydney  Smith  wrote  thus  in  the  Edinburgh  Reznew, 
on  the  then  vexed  question  of  Female  Education  : 
"  There  is  a  very  general  notion  that  the  moment  you 
put  the  education  of  w^oraen  upon  a  better  foundation 
than  it  is  at  present,  at  that  moment  there  will  be  an 
end  of  all  domestic  economy  ;  and  that  if  j'ou  once 
suffer  women  to  eat  of  the  tree  of  knowledge,  the  rest 
of  the  family  will  soon  be  reduced  to  the  same  kind 
of  aerial  and  unsatisfactory  diet.  Can  anything,'"  he 
continues,  in  his  own  most  characteristic  style,  "be 
more  perfectly  absurd  than  to  suppose  that  the  care 
and  perpetual  solicitude  which  a  mother  feels  for  her 
children  depends  upon  her  ignorance  of  Greek  and 
mathematics  ;  and  that  she  would  desert  her  infant 
for  a  quadratic  equation?  "     [2] 

Thankful  for  Small  Mercies 
An  eccentric  banker  was  eyeing  with  suspicious 
vision  a  bill  presented  to  him  for  discounting.  "  You 
need  not  fear,"  said  the  palpitating  customer  ;  "  cne 
of  the  parties  keeps  his  carriage."  "  Ay  !  "  rejoineJ 
the  banker,  ••  I  shall  be  glad  if  he  keeps  his  feet." 

"  Smoking  " — an  Explanation 

"  I  wish  you  would  not  smoke  cigars,"  said  a 
young  lady  to  her  lover.  "  Why  not  smoke  as  well 
as  your  chimney  ?  "  "  Because  chimneys  don't  smoke 
when  they  are  in  good  order." 


120  Bnglisb  IKIllt  anD  Ijumoc 

"  At  Home  on  Thursdays  " 

An  aristocratic  lady,  meeting  a  beggar  all  in  rags, 
gave  him  her  card,  saying  :  "  Here  is  mv  address.  If 
you  call  anytime  you  can  have  some  of  my  husband's 
left-off  clothes."  A  few  days  after  she  saw  the  poor 
fellow  again  in  the  street.  "  Why  did  you  not  come 
as  I  told  you?"  "Please,  ma'am,  this  is  Wednes- 
day, and  on  your  card  it  says  :  '  At  home  on 
Thursdays.'  " 

From  the  Sublime  to  the  Ridiculous 
A  good  example  at  once  of  the  limitation — the 
frontier  line,  so  to  say,  between  beauty  and  wit — and 
at  the  same  time  of  the  single  step  that  separates  the 
sublime  and  ridiculous,  is  where  the  surprise  is  made 
to  result  from  a  sudden  change  from  the  sublime  to 
the  ridiculous,  as  for  instance  in  the  following  lines  : 

The  Gravedigger 

"  Old  man,  old  man,  for  whom  dig'stthou  this  grave?" 

I  asked  as  I  walk'd  along  : 
For  I  saw  in  the  heart  of  London  streets 

A  dark  and  busy  throng. 

'Twas  a  strange  wild  deed  ;  but  a  stranger  wish 

Of  the  parted  soul  to  lie 
'Midst  the  troubled  numbers  of  living  men. 

Who  would  pass  him  idly  by  ! 

So  I  said  :  "  Old  man,  for  whom  dig'st  thou  this  grave 

In  the  heart  of  London  town  ?  " 
And  the  deep-toned  voice  of  the  digger  replied  : 

"  We're  a-laying  a  gas-pipe  down."      [3] 

Sydney  Smith's  Political  Simile 

The  most  formal  shape  into  whicli  fu!i  can  fall  is 
perhaps  the  simile,  and  a  better  instance  could  not  be 
adduced  than  Sydney  Smith's  metaphor  of  Mrs.  Part- 
ington and  her  mop,  in  his  speech  to  the  electors  at 
Taunton,  on  the  rejection  of  the  Reform  Bill  by  the 
Lords  : 


IBngUsb  XOit  aiiD  Ibumor  lii 

"  The  attempt  of  the  Lords  to  stop  reform  reminds 
me  very  forcibly  of  the  conduct  of  the  excellent  Mrs. 
Partington  in  the  great  storm  off  Sidmouth.  In  the 
winter  of  1824  there  set  in  a  great  flood  upon  that 
town ;  the  waves  rushed  in  upon  the  houses,  and 
everything  was  threatened  with  destruction.      In  the 

midst  of  this  sublime  and  terrible  storm,  Dame  P , 

who  lived  upon  the  beach,  was  seen  at  the  door  of  her 
house  in  mop  and  pattens,  trundling  her  mop,  squeez- 
ing out  the  sea-water,  and  vigorously  pushing  away 
the  Atlantic  Ocean.     The  Atlantic  was   roused  ;   Mrs. 

P 's  spirit  was  up  ;  but  I  need  not  tell  you  that  the 

contest  was  unequal.  The  Atlantic  beat  Mrs.  Parting- 
ton. She  was  excellent  at  a  slor>  or  a  puddle  ;  but  she 
should  not  have  meddled  with  a  tempest.  Gentlemen, 
be  at  your  ease,  be  quiet  and  steady.  You  will  beat 
Mrs.  Partington."      [2] 

Sink-we  Scento 

"  After  five  years  the  Thames  is  to  receive  no  sew- 
age."— Sir  B.  Hall,  1855. 

In  shorter  time,  kind  sir,  contrive 

To  purify  our  drink  ; 
For  while  your  figure  is  a  Five 

Our  river  is  a  Cinq.  [i] 

"  Too   Many  Cooks  " 

A  capital  storj-  was  told  the  other  day  by  a  public 
speaker,  illustrating  the  old  saying  quoted  above. 
The  story  is  about  what  recently  happened  to  a  pair 
of  trousers.  The  young  man  to  whom  they  belonged 
had  purchased  them  for  his  wedding,  but  on  the  eve 
of  tlKit  auspicious  event  he  discovered  that  they  were 
two  inches  too  long.  So  he  went  downstairs  to  his 
mother  and  two  sisters  and  informed  them  of  the 
calamity.  They  were  busy — just  sympathized  with 
him  vaguely,  as  people  occupied  are  apt  to  do,  but 
said  no  more.  To  all  outward  impression  the  affair 
had  not  disturbed  them  greatly. 

On  the  first  spare  moment,  however,  that  the  mother 


122  JSnQUeb  iMit  anD  Ibumor 

had,  she  went  upstairs,  cut  two  inches  off  the  trousers, 
hemmed  them,  and  returned  downstairs  without  being 
missed. 

Just  as  they  were  sitting  down  to  supper  the  elder 
sister  suddenly  remembered  John's  request,  slipped 
away  quietly,  and  went  and  removed  another  two 
inches,  hemmed  them  as  her  mother  had  done,  and 
returned  to  the  party  without  mentioning  what  she 
had  done. 

The  party  broke  up,  bedtime  arrived,  and  now  the 
younger  flew  impatiently  to  remove  the  difficulty  in 
her  brother's  attire,  and  again  the  trousers  were 
diminished  by  two  inches. 

So  the  storj'  ends.  What  became  of  the  bridegroom 
on  the  morrow,  and  whether  he  appeared  at  church  in 
his  shortened  garments,  or  wore  another  pair,  is  all 
left  to  the  imagination. 

Definition  of  a  Pilgrim 

A  good  story  is  told  of  one  of  her  Majesty's  inspec- 
tors of  mid-England.  Examining  a  school  on  one  occa- 
sion, Mr.  K inquired,  "  What  is  a  pilgrim?  " 

After  a  pause  a  sturdy  little  imp  boldly  answered, 
"A  pilgrim  is  a  man,  please,  sir." 

"  A  man  ?  "  returned  the  inspector,  severely.  "  That 
won't  do.     Tell  me  some  more  about  a  pilgrim." 

Another  pause,  broken  by  the  examiner  this  time. 
" /'w  a  man,  you  know,"  he  said,  rashly;  "am  /a 
pilgrim?  " 

Here  followed  no  pause,  but  the  prompt  rejoinder  : 
"  Oh,  no,  sir  ;   a  pilgrim's  a  ^ood  man,  sir." 

It  was  rather  the  bystanders,  than  the  questioner  or 
the  questioned,  who  did  not  know  which  way  to  look. 

A  Collision — Illustrated 

One  of  our  school  teachers  was  endeavoring  to 
explain  to  a  small  boy  in  her  class  the  meaning  of  the 
word  "collision."  She  said:  "Suppose  two  boys 
running  in  the  street  should  come  together  hard  ;  what 
would  there  be?"  "A  fight,"  responded  the  little 
fellow,  loudly,  and  with  astonishing  promptness 


jerxQlisb  "Cait  anD  Tbumoc  12S 

The  Golden  Rule 
{^Improved J'royn  ll'a/ls  and  Gladstone) 
Be  you  to  others  kind  and  true. 
As  you'd  have  others  be  to  you, 
And  neither  do  nor  say  to  men 
Whate'er  you  would  not  like  again  ; 
But  if  men  do  and  say  to  you 
That  which  is  neither  kind  nor  true. 
Take  a  good  stick,  and  say  to  men, 
"  Don't  say  or  do  that  same  again."     [ij 

Sydney  Smith  on  the  Preaching  of  the  Clergy 

Apropos  of  sermons,  to  wit,  Sydney  Smith  said  : 
"The  English,generallyremarkablefor  doing  very  good 
things  in  a  very  bad  manner,  seem  to  have  reserved  the 
maturity  and  plenitude  of  their  awkwardness  for  the 
pulpit.  A  clergyman  clings  to  his  velvet  cushion  with 
either  hand,  keeps  his  eye  riveted  upon  his  book, 
speaks  of  the  ecstacies  of  .jo\'  and  fear  with  a  voice  and  a 
face  which  indicate  neither,  and  pinions  his  body  and 
soul  into  the  same  attitude  of  limb  and  thought,  for 
fear  of  being  called  theatrical  and  affected.  The  most 
intrepid  veteran  of  us  all  does  no  more  than  wipe  his  face 
with  his  cambric  sudarium  ;  if  by  mischance  his  hand 
slip  from  its  ordinary  grip  of  the  velvet,  he  draws  it  back 
as  from  liquid  brimstone,  or  the  caustic  iron  of  the 
law,  and  atones  for  his  indecorum  by  fresh  inflexibility 
and  more  rigid  sameness.  Is  it  wonder,  then,  that 
every  semi-delirious  sectary  who  pours  forth  his  ani- 
mated nonsense  with  the  genuine  look  and  voice  of 
passion  should  gesticulate  away  the  congregation  of 
the  most  profound  and  learned  divine  of  the  established 
Church,  and,  in  two  Sundays,  preach  him  bare  to  the 
very  sexton  !  "    [2] 

Justice — Only  Delayed 
The  late  Lord  Cockburn's  looks,  tones,  language, 
and  manner  were  always  such  as  to  make  one  think 
that  he  believed  every  word  he  said.  On  one  occasion, 
before  he  was  raised  to  the  bench,  when  defending  a 
murderer,  although  he  failed  to  convince  the  judge  and 


124  BnQlisb  imiit  an&  Ibumor 

jurymen  of  the  innocence  of  his  client,  yet  he  convinced 
the  murderer  himself  that  he  was  innocent.  Sentence 
of  death  was  pronounced,  and  the  day  of  execution 
was  fixed  for,  say,  the  20th  of  January.  As  Lord  Cock- 
burn  was  passing  the  condemned  man  the  latter  seized 
him  by  the  gown,  saying,  "  I  have  not  got  justice, 
Mr.  Cockburn — I  have  not  got  justice  !  "  To  this  the 
advocate  coolly  replied  :  "  Perhaps  not  ;  but  you'll  get 
it  on  the  20th  of  January." 

Comparisons  are  "Hideous" 

Some  time  since  a  wedding  breakfast  was  given  by 
a  substantial  farmer  blessed  with  five  daughters,  the 
oldest  being  the  bride,  when  a  neighbor,  a  young 
farmer,  who  was  honored  with  an  invitation,  thinking 
no  doubt  he  ought  to  say  something  smart  and 
complimentary  upon  the  event,  addressing  the  bride- 
groom said,  "  Well,  you  have  got  the  pick  of  the 
batch!"  The  countenance^  of  the  four  unmarried 
ones,  as  may  be  imagined,  were  a  study. 

Here  and  There,  One 

Dr.  B being  once  in  a  large  company  at  dinner, 

was  seated  between  Mrs.  Lowth  and  Mrs.  Sherlock  ; 
the  conversation  happened  to  turn  upon  wives,  when 

Dr.    B said   that   he  "  believed    wives   in  general 

were  good,  though  to  be  sure  there  might  be  a  bad  one 
here  and  there,''''  nodding  alternately  at  the  two  ladies 
on  each  side  of  him. 

Two  Alma  Maters — Result 

A  young  country  clergyman  was  boasting  of  having 
been  educated  at  two  colleges.  "You  remind  me," 
said  an  aged  divine  present,  of  an  instance  I  knew  of 
a  calf  that  sucked  two  cows." 

"What  was  the  consequence?"  said  a  third 
person. 

"Why,  sir,"  replied  the  old  clergyman,  very 
gravely,  "the  consequence  was,  that  he  was  a.  very 
or  real  calf.'" 


Bngltsb  limit  an^  Ibumor  i?5 

Mortifying  Simplicity 
A  country  gentleman  who  fills  every  necessary 
position  to  constitute  him  the  head  of  the  village, 
and  who  had  taken  some  pains  co  instruct  the 
rustic  inhabitants  in  the  proper  signs  of  respect 
due  to  him,  being  lately  on  a  horse  somewhat  given 
to  shy,  and  observing  a  lad  walking  before  him,  called 
out,  "  Boy,  don't  take  ofF  your  hat."  The  youth, 
turning  his  head,  very  innocently  answered,  ''Iworn't 
a-going  to  doy 

Teacher  versus   Pupil 

An  incident  analogous  to  that  so  often  associated 
with  the  name  of  Professor  Blackie  and  his  classes 
occurred  the  other  day  at  a  reading  school  in  Gates- 
head. The  pupils,  in  exuberance  of  spirits,  had  just 
returned  to  scholastic  work  after  the  holidays,  and 
one  of  the  more  playful  of  the  number,  desirous  of 
aiming  a  gentle  joke  at  the  master,  wrote  upon   the 

blackboard,  "  Mr. is  a  donkey."      The  genial  and 

witty  teacher,  however,  was  equal  to  the  occasion,  for 
on  seeing  the  inscription,  he  immediately  seized  the 
chalk  and  added  the  word  "  driver."  This,  of  course, 
made  all  the  difference  in  the  world,  and  the  tables 
were  suddenly  turned  upon  the  juvenile  scribe  and 
his  fellows. 

Two  Birds  with  One  Stone 

Dr.  Wilberforce,  Bishop  of  Winchester,  and  Lord 
Palmerston  were  on  a  visit  in  the  country.  The  premier 
offered  to  take  the  bishop  to  church  in  his  carriage  ; 
the  bishop  chose  to  go  on  foot.  A  shower  came  on 
just  as  the  carriage  overtook  the  pedestrian.  The 
prime  minister  put  his  head  out  of  the  window  with  ; 

"  How  blest  is  he  who  ne'er  consents 
By  ill  advice  to  walk." 

And  the  bishop  immediately  retorted  with  : 

"  Nor  stands  in  sinners'  ways,  nor  sits 
Where  men  profanely  talk.  ' 


126  Bnflllsb  'CGlit  anD  Ibumoc 

Hearing   Both  Sides 

A  father  asked  a  lazy  son  what  made  him  lie  in  bed 
so  long.  "  I  am  busied,"  said  he,  "  in  hearing  coun- 
sel every  morning.  Industry  advises  me  to  get  up, 
Sloth  to  lie  still  ;  and  so  they  give  twenty  reasons 
for  and  against.  It  is  my  part  to  hear  what  is  said 
on  both  sides,  and,  by  the  time  the  case  is  over, 
dinner  is  ready." 

An  Apprentice  and  Early  Rising 

An  industrious  tradesman  having  taken  a  new 
apprentice,  awoke  him  the  first  morning  at  a  very 
early  hour,  by  calling  out  that  the  family  were  sitting 
down  to  table.  "Thank  you,"  said  the  boy,  as  he 
turned  over  in  bed  to  adjust  himself  for  a  new  nap, 
"  thank  you,  but  I  never  eat  anything  during  the 
night." 

Taking  Him  at  his  own  Price 

A  gentleman  while  skating  fell  into  the  water,  and 
van  imminent  risk  of  his  life.  A  man  with  some 
difficulty  pulled  him  out.  The  gentleman  rewarded 
his  preserver  with  a  sixpence.  The  bystanders 
expressed  some  surprise  respecting  the  insufficiency 
of  the  sum  ;  but  the  man  cooly  observed,  that  the 
gentleman  knew  best  what  his  own  life  was  worth, 
and  walked  off. 

Dr.  Johnson's  Childhood 

The  trick  which  most  parents  play  with  their 
children,  that  of  showing  off  their  newly-acquired 
accomplishments,  disgusted  Mr.  Johnson  beyond 
expression.  He  had  been  treated  so  himself,  he  said, 
till  he  absolutely  loathed  his  father's  caresses,  because 
he  knew  they  were  sure  to  precede  some  unpleasing 
display  of  his  early  abilities  ;  and  he  used,  when 
neighbors  came  visiting,  to  run  up  a  tree  that  he 
might  not  be  found  and  exhibited,  such,  as  no  doubt 
he  was,  a  prodigy  of  early  understanding.  His 
epitaph  upon  the  duck  he  killed  by  treading  on  it  at 
five  years  old  : 


JEnglisb  "Unit  anD  Ibumoc  127 

"  Here  lies  poor  duck 

That  Samuel  Johnson  trod  on  ; 
If  it  had  liv'd  it  had  been  good  luck, 
For  it  would  have  been  an  odd  one  " — 
is  a  striking  example  of  early  expansion  of  mind  and 
knowledge  of  language  ;  yet  he  always  seemed  more 
mortified  at  the  recollection  of  the  bustle  his  parents 
made  with  his  wit,  than  pleased  with  the  thoughts  of 
possessing  it.      [9] 

A  Witty  Cleric  and  an  Aged  Bridegroom 

An  old  gentleman  of  eighty  years  having  taken  to 
the  altar  a  young  damsel  of  sixteen,  the  clergyman 
said  to  him,  "  The  font  is  at  the  other  end  of  the 
church."  "  What  do  I  want  of  the  font  ?"  inquired 
the  old  gentleman.  "  I  beg  your  pardon,"  said  the 
clerical  wit,  "  I  thought  you  had  brought  this  child  to 
be  christened." 

A  Lesson  on  Passive  Verbs 

A  teacher  one  day  endeavoring  to  make  a  pupil 
understand  the  nature  and  application  of  a  passive 
verb,  said,  "A  passive  verb  is  expressive  of  the 
nature  of  receiving  an  action,  as,  Peter  is  beaten. 
Now,  what  did  Peter  do?"  The  boy,  pausing  a 
moment,  with  the  gravest  countenance  imaginable, 
replied,  "Well,  I  don't  know,  without   he   hollored." 

A  Wife's  Retort 
An  elderly  lady,  telling  her  age,  remarked  that  she 
was  born  on  the  twenty-second  of  April.  Her  hus- 
band, who  was  present,  observed,  "  I  always  thought 
you  were  born  on  the  first  of  April."  "  People 
might  well  judge  so,"  responded  the  matron,  "  in  the 
choice  I  made  of  a  husband." 

Driving  it  Home 
"  I  owe  you  one,"  said  a  withered  old  Coelebs  to  a 
lady  the  other  night  at  a  party.  "  For  what?  "  said 
she.  "  Why,  for  calling  me  a  young  gentleman." 
"  If  I  did  so,"  was  the  ill-natured  reply,  "  I  beg  you 
will  not  regard  it  as  a  compliment,  for  though  an  old 
man  vou  may  still  be  a  vounu  gentleman." 


128  JEnflUeb  Wiit  anD  Ibiimor 

A  Double  Disgrace 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Fuote,  brother  of  the  celebrated 
comic  wit  of  that  name,  being  once  in  a  coffee-house, 
swearing  and  drinking  pretty  freely,  a  Quaker  near 
him  said  :  "  Friend,  thou  art  a  disgrace  to  thy  cloth  I  '' 
"  No,  friend,"  replied  Foote,  "  my  cloth  is  a  disgrace 
to  me,"  raising  his  arm  and  showing  a  large  hole  or 
two  in  his  coat,      [ii] 

Marriage  Certificates 
"  You  say,  Mrs.  Smith,  that  you  have  lived  with  the 
defendant  for  eight  years.  Does  the  Court  under- 
stand from  that,  that  you  are  a  married  woman  ?  " 
"  In  course  it  does."  "  Have  you  a  marriage  certifi- 
cate?" "Yes,  your  honor,  three  on  'em — two  gals 
and  a  boy."     Verdict  for  the  plaintiff. 

More  Witty  than  Wise 
Dr.  Williamson  had  a  quarrel  with  ont-  of  his 
parishioners  by  the  name  of  Hardy,  who  showed  con- 
siderable resentment.  On  the  succeeding  Sunday, 
the  doctor  preached  from  the  following  text,  which  he 
pronounced  with  great  emphasis,  and  with  a  signi- 
ficant look  at  Hardy  who  was  present  :  "  There  is 
no  fool  like  the  iool-hardy.'' 

Matrimony  Doth  Open  the  Eyes  of  the  Blind 

Friend  Grace,  it  seems,  had  a  very  good  horse  and 
a  very  poor  one.  When  seen  riding  the  latter,  he 
was  asked  the  reason.  (It  turned  out  that  his  better- 
half  had  taken  the  good  one.)  "What,"  said  the 
bantering  bachelor,  "  how  comes  it  you  let  your 
mistress  ride  the  better  horse?  "  The  only  reply  was  : 
"  Friend,  when  thou  beest  married  thee'll  know." 

Driven  from  the  Garden 
One  day  as  Dr.  Young,  the  author  of  the  "  Night 
Thoughts,"  was  walking  in  his  garden  at  Welwyn,  in 
company  with  the  two  daughters  of  the  Earl  of  Lich- 
field, one  of  whom  he  afterwards  married,  the  servant 
came  to  tell  him  that  a  gentleman  wished  to  see  him. 
"  Tell  him,"  replied  tin-  <!ortor,  "  that  I  am  too  agree- 


finalisb  "CClit  anO  tJumor  129 

ably  engaged  to  change  my  situation."  The  ladies 
insisted  he  should  go.  but  as  persuasion  had  no  effect, 
one  took  him  by  the  right  arm,  the  other  by  the  left, 
and  led  him  to  the  garden-gate  ;  when,  finding  resist- 
ance in  vain.  Young  bowed  and  spoke  the  following 
lines  : — 

"  Thus  Adam  look'd  when  from  the  garden  driven, 
And  thus  disputed  orders  sent  from  heaven  ; 
Like  him  I  go,  but  yet  to  go  am  loth  ; 
Like  him  I  go,  for  angels  drove  us  both  ; 
Hard  was  his  fate,  but  mine  still  more  unkind  ; 
His  Eve  went  with  him,  but  mine  stays  behind."  [ii] 

Dr.  Johnson  on  Sermon-Hearers 
We  were  speaking  of  a  gentleman  who  lovcd  his 
friend — "  Make  him  prime  minister,"  says  Johnson, 
"  and  see  how  long  his  friend  will  be  remembered." 
But  he  had  a  rougher  answer  for  me  ;  when  I  com- 
mended a  sermon  preached  by  an  intimate  acquaint- 
ance of  our  own  at  the  trading  end  of  the  town. 
••  What  was  the  subject,  madam  ?  "  says  Dr.  Johnson. 
'•  Friendship,  sir,"  replied  L  "  Why,  now,  is  it  not 
strange  that  a  wise  man  like  our  dear  little  Evans, 
should  take  it  in  his  head  to  preach  on  such  a  subject, 
in  a  place  where  no  one  can  be  thinking  of  it  ? " 
'•Why,  what  are  they  thinking  upon,  sir?"  said  L 
'•  Why,  the  men  are  thinking  of  their  money,  I 
suppose,  and  the  women  are  thinking  of  their 
mops."      [9] 

A  Keen  Request 
A  luckless  undergraduate  of  Cambridge,  being 
examined  for  his  degree,  and  failing  in  every  subject 
upon  which  he  was  tried,  complained  that  he  had  not 
been  questioned  upon  the  things  which  he  knew  ; 
upon  which  the  examining  master  tore  off  about  an 
inch  of  paper,  and,  pushing  it  towards  him,  desired 
him  to  write  upon  that  all  he  knew. 

Leaving  Room  for  a  Collection  and  a  Correction 

The    Rev.     Sydney    Smith,     preaching    a    charity 

sermon,  frequently  repeated  the  assertion  that,  of  all 

nations,  Englishmen  were  most  distinguished  for  gen- 

9 


130  jenoUsb  umit  anO  Ibumoc 

erosity  and  the  love  of  tlieir  species.  The  collection 
happened  to  be  inferior  to  his  expectations,  and  he 
said  that  he  had  evidently  made  a  great  mistake,  for 
that  his  expression  should  have  been,  that  they  were 
distinguished  for  the  love  of  their  specif. 

A  *♦  Personal  "  Illustration 
Sir  Fletcher  Norton  was  noted  for  his  want  of 
courtesy.  When  pleading  before  Lord  jNIansfield,  on 
some  question  of  manorial  right,  he  chanced  unfortu- 
nately to  say,  "  My  lord,  I  can  illustrate  the  point  in 
an  instant  in  my  own  person  :  I,  myself  have  two 
little  manors."  The  judge  immediately  interposed, 
with  one  of  his  blandest  smiles,  "We  all  know  it,  Sir 
Fletcher.' 

Hardly  a  Coat  Left 

Poor  H ,  the  comedian,  once  so  well   known  in 

the  Manchester  and  Liverpool  theatres,  having  called 
in  a  doctor  during  a  serious  fit  of  illness,  was  inter- 
rogated as  to  his  mode  of  living,  "  Did  he  drink 
much,  and  what  was  the  fluid  he  indulged  in  ?"  was 
inquired.      "  Brandy  and  water  was   his  weakness," 

H replied,  and  "  he  consumed  generally  from  six 

to  twelve  glasses  per  diem,  which  he  had  done  for 
manj'  years."  "Good  heavens!"  said  the  doctor, 
"  I  wonder  you  have  any  coat  left  to  your  stomach  !  " 
"Ah,  doctor,"  replied  the  invalid,  "my  friends 
Avonder  that  I  have  any  coat  left  to  ni}-  back.'" 

"  Trodden  Under  Foot  " 
At  an    election   dinner  at   Kidderminster — a  place 
celebrated  for  its   manufacture  of  carpets- -this  toast 
was  proposed  by  a  townsman  :     "  May  the   trade   of 
our  town  always  be  trodden  underfoot.''^ 

Reproving — Directly  and  Indirectly 
Dr.  South,  when  once  preaching  before  Charles  II. 
observed  that  the  monarch  and  his  attendants  began 
to  nod ;  and  as  nobles  are  common  men  when  they 
are  asleep,  some  of  them  soon  after  snored  ;  on  which 
he   broke    off    his  sermon,    and    exclaimed,     "  Lord 


BnQlisb  "Ullit  anD  Dumor  131 

Lauderdale,  I  am  sorry  to  interrupt  your  repose,  but 
let  me  entreat  you  not  to  snore  so  loud,  lest  you 
awaken  his  majesty."      [ii] 

A  Lawyer's  Fee 
A  client,  while  bathing  at  sea,  saw  his  lawyer  rise 
up,  after  a  lonj^  dive,  at  his  side.  "  Ho,  there  Mr. 
Brief,  have  you  taken  out  a  warrant  against  Burt?" 
"  He  is  in  gaol,"  replied  the  lawyer,  and  dived  again, 
showing  his  heels  as  a  parting  view  to  his  client ;  nor 
did  the  latter  hear  more  of  his  interview  with  the  man 
of  law  until  he  got  his  account  containing  the  entry: 
*'  To  consultation  at  sea,  anent  the  incarceration  of 
Burt,  six-and-tightpence." 

Ex  Nihilo  Nihil  Fit 
The  following  admirable  riddle  was  quoted  many 

years  ago  in  Xotes  and  Queries.     The  authorship  of 

it  seems  to  be  involved  in  obscurity  : 

"  What's  that  which  all  love  more  than  life, 
Fear  more  than  death  or  mortal  strife  ? — 
Xhat  which  contented  men  desire — 
The  poor  possess — the  rich  require  ? — 
The  miser  spends — the  sj)endthrift  saves — 
And  all  men  carry  to  their  graves  ?  " 

The  answer  is — "  XofJiinq-V 

Cut  it  Short 

The  Rev.  Dr.  Hall  said  every  blade  of  grass  was  a 
sermon.  The  next  day  he  was  amusing  himself  by 
clipping  his  lawn,  when  a  parishioner  said  :  "  That's 
right,  doctor  ;   cut  your  sermons  short." 

Splendid  Debating  Power 
Henderson,  the  actor,  was  seldom  known  to  be  in  a 
jxission.  When  at  Oxford  he  was  one  day  debating 
with  a  fellow-student,  who,  not  keeping  his  temper, 
threw  a  glass  of  wine  in  the  actor's  face  ;  wheti  Hen- 
derson took  out  his  handkerchief,  wiped  his  face,  and 
cooly  said  :  "  That,  sir,  was  a  digression  ;  now  for  the 
argument." 


132  Bnglisb  Wit  auD  Ibumor 

Translated  Fun 
A  schoolmaster  who  was  somewhat  of  the  same 
way  of  thinking  as  Tom  Moore's  play-loving  peda- 
gogues, once  said  to  the  present  writer,  "  I  always  set 
my  lowest  Greek  class  to  the  aareia  of  Hierocles — 
that  Greek  Joe  Miller — as  soon  as  they  are  well  on  in 
their  verbs,  and  it  is  a  fine  example  of  the  surprise 
which  is  a  constant  accompaniment  of  this  strange 
association  of  ideas  to  see  the  joke  gradually  dawning 
on  the  schoolboy  mind  through  the  mists  of  a  dead 
language.  Some  of  these  old  jokemongers'  witticisms 
are  capital — so  good,  in  fact  that  the  parentage  of 
many  of  them  has  been  claimed  by  modern  wits.  No 
doubt  we  shall  recognize  some  old  friends  as  we  read  : 

(i)  A  pedant  (for  so  we  must  probably  translate,  in 
conventional  phrase,  the  pervading  scholastichus  of 
the  old  jokemonger)  wishing  to  teach  his  horse  not  to 
eat  much,  gave  him  no  food.  Eventually  the  horse 
died  of  starvation,  and  he  complained  to  his  friends, 
"  I  have  suffered  a  great  loss,  for  just  when  I  had 
taught  my  horse  to  live  upon  nothing  he  died." 

(2)  A  pedant  having  bought  a  cask  of  wine,  sealed 
it.  But  his  slave  bored  a  hole  and  stole  the  wine.  The 
master  was  amazed  to  find  that,  though  his  seals  were 
unbroken,  the  wine  gradually  diminished.  Some  one 
suggested  that  he  should  examine  whether  it  had  been 
taken  out  from  the  bottom.  "  Fool,"  he  replied,  "  it 
isn't  the  lower  part  that's  gone  ;   it's  the  upper." 

(3)  A  pedant  suffered  shipwreck  in  a  tempest,  and 
seeing  the  passengers  tie  themselves  to  different 
articles  on  board,  fastened  himself  to  one  of  the 
anchors. 

(4)  Another  had  to  cross  a  river,  and  went  on  board 
the  ferryboat  on  horseback.  Somebody  asked  him 
why  he  did  so,  and  he  replied,  because  he  was  in  a 
hurry. 

(5)  Yet  another,  anxious  to  know  whether  he  looked 
well  when  he  was  asleep,  stood  before  a  looking-glass 
with  his  cycc  shut  to  see. 


Bnalisb  'GCllt  anO  Dumor  133 

(6)  A  landlord,  who  had  a  house  to  sell,  went  about 
amongst  his  friends  carrying  a  brick  as  a  speci- 
men.     [7] 

The  Lady  with  Holes  in  Her  Stockings 
At  a  religious  meeting  a  lady  persevered  in  standing 
on  a  bench  and  thus  intercepting  the  view  of  others, 
though  repeatedly  requested  to  sit  down.  A  reverend 
old  gentleman  at  last  rose  and  said  gravely,  "  I  think, 
if  the  lady  knew  that  she  had  a  large  hole  in  each  of 
her  stockings,  she  would  not  exhibit  them  in  this 
way."  This  had  the  desired  effect — she  immediately 
sunk  down  on  her  seat.  A  young  minister  standing 
by,  blushed  to  the  temples,  and  said,  "  O  brother, 
how  could  you  say  what  was  not  the  fact?"  "Not 
the  fact !  "  replied  the  old  gentleman,  "  if  she  had 
not  a  large  hole  in  each  of  her  stockings,  I  should  like 
to  know  how  she  gets  them  on." 

Division  of  Labor,  or  a  Witty  Thief 
The  great  Duke  of  Marlborough,  passing  the  gate 
of  the  Tower  after  having  inspected  that  fortress,  was 
accosted  by  an  ill-looking  fellow  with,  "  How  do  you 
do,  my  lord  duke?  I  believe  your  grace  and  I  have 
now  been  in  every  gaol  in  the  kingdom." 

"  I  believe,  friend,"  replied  the  duke,  with  surprise, 
"this  is  the  only  gaol  I  ever  visited." 

"  Very  like,"  replied  the  other,  "  but  I  have  been  in 
all  the  rest." 

What  the  Sermon  was  About 
A  friend  accused  another  of  sleeping  in  church, 
which  he  flatly  denied,  insisting  that  he  had  been 
awake  all  the  time.  "Well,  then,"  said  the  accuser, 
"can  you  tell  me  what  the  sermon  was  about?" 
"  Yes,  I  can,"  was  the  answer  :  "  it  was  about  half  an 
hour  too  long."      [ii] 

The  V/oTst  "Ism"  in  Christendom 
A  zealous,  and  in  his  way  a  very  eminent,  preacher, 
whose   eloquence   is  as  copious,  and  far  more  lucid, 
than  the  waters  of  his  beloved  Cam,  happened  to  miss 


134  Bnfilisb  limit  anD  Ibumor 

a  constant  auditor  from  his  congregation.  Schism 
had  already  made  some  depredations  on  the  fold, 
which  was  not  so  large  but  to  a  practiced  eye  the 
deduction  of  even  one  was  perceptible.    "  What  keeps 

our  friend    farmer   B away  from    us?"    was  the 

anxious  question  proposed  by  our  vigilant  minister  to 
his  clerk.  "  I  have  not  seen  him  amongst  us,"  con- 
tinued he,  "these  three  weeks;  I  hope  it  is  not 
Socinianism  that  keeps  him  away?" 

"No,  your  honor,"  replied  the  clerk;  "it  is  some- 
thing worse  than  that." 

"Worse  than  Socinianism?  God  forbid  it  should 
be  Deism  !  " 

"  No,  your  honor  ;   it  is  something  worse  than  that." 

"  I  trust  it  is  not  atheism  ?  " 

"Worse  than  that,  sir." 

"  Worse  than  atheism  ?  Impossible — nothing  can 
be  worse  than  atheism  !  " 

"Yes,  it  is,  your  honor — it  is  rheumatism." 

Proving  that  the  Earliest  Riser  was  the  Greatest 
Loser 

A  father  chiding  his  son  for  not  leaving  his  bed  at 
an  earlier  hour,  told  him  as  an  inducement  that  a 
certain  man  being  up  betimes  found  a  purse  of  money. 

"  It  might  be  so,"  replied  the  son,  "  but  he  that  lost 
it  was  up  before  him." 

Magnum  Malum 

Once  when  preaching  at  Wapping  to  a  congregation 
composed  chiefly  of  seafaring  men  and  fisherwomen, 
he  greatly  astonished  his  congregation  by  commencing 
the  sermon  with  these  words:  "I  come  to  preach 
to  great  sinners,  notorious  sinners — yea,  to  IVapping 
sinners." 

Whistling — a  Good  Temperance  Agent 

A  certain  old  lady  in  Cheshire,  whenever  she  hires 
a  servant,  asks  him  if  he  can  whistle?  On  being 
requested,  by  a  friend,  to  ex])lain  the  cause  of  such  a 
singular  (juestion,  she  replied  that  when  her  footman 


went  down  to  draw  the  ale,  she  always  made  liirn 
whistle  until  he  returned,  by  which  means  she  insured 
his  scjbriet}-. 

"  Take  No  Thought      .       .      .      Wherewithal  Ye 
Shall  Be  Clothed" 

In  answer  to  the  arguments  urged  by  Puritans. 
Quakers,  etc.,  against  showy  decorations  of  the  human 
tigure,  I  once  heard  Dr.  Johnson  exclaim,  "  Oh,  let  us 
not  be  found,  when  our  Master  calls  us,  ripping  the 
lace  off  our  waistcoats,  but  the  spirit  of  contention 
from  our  souls  and  tongues  !  Let  us  all  conform  in 
outward  customs,  which  are  of  no  consequence,  to  the 
manners  of  those  whom  we  live  among,  and  despise 
such  paltry  distinctions.  Alas,  sir  !  "  continued  he, 
"a  man  who  cannot  get  to  heaven  in  a  green  coat, 
will  not  find  his  way  thither  sooner  in  a  gray 
one.'-'      [9] 

Wilberforce's  Candor 
In  the  life  of  Mr.  Wilberforce,  we  find  in  his  Diary 
the  following  entry  :    "  Went  to  hear  Mr.  Foster.    Felt 

much    devotion,    and (naming    a   friend)  went    to 

sleep  during  the  psalms  ;  during  the  sermon,  went  to 
sleep  myself."      [10] 

Dr.  Johnson's  Advice  on  Matrimony 

On  one  occasion,  when  he  was  musing  over  the  fire 
in  our  drawing-room  at  Streatham,  a  young  gentleman 
called  to  him  suddenly,  and  I  suppose  he  thought  dis- 
respectfully, in  these  words:  "  Mr.  Johnson,  would 
you  advise  me  to  marry  ?  "  "I  would  advise  no  man 
to  marry,  sir,"  returns  for  answer  in  a  very  angry 
tone  Dr.  Johnson,  "  who  is  not  likely  to  propagate 
understanding,"  and  so  left  the  room.  Our  com- 
panion looked  confounded,  and  scarce  recovered  the 
consciousness  of  his  own  existence,  when  Johnson 
came  back,  and  drawing  his  chair  among  us,  with 
altered  looks  and  a  softened  voice,  joined  in  the 
general  chat,  insensibly  led  the  conversation  to  the 
subject  of   marriage,  where  he  laid   himself  out  in  a 


136  BnaU0b  TOflit  anD  Dumor 

dissertation  so  useful,  so  elegant,  so  founded  on  the 
true  knowledge  of  human  life,  and  so  adorned  with 
beauty  of  sentiment,  that  no  one  ever  recollected  the 
ofTence,  except  to  rejoice  in  its  consequences.  He 
repented  just  as  certainly,  however,  if  he  had  been 
led  to  praise  any  person  or  thing  by  accident  more 
than  he  thought  it  deserved  ;  and  was  on  such  occa- 
sions comically  earnest  to  destroy  the  praise  or 
pleasure  he  had  unintentionally  given.      [9] 

Bishop  Atterbury's    Pad 

In  the  debate  on  the  Occasional  Conformity  and 
Schism  Bill  in  the  House  of  Lords,  in  December, 
1 7 18,  the  promoters  of  the  Bill  were  very  warmly 
opposed  by  Atterbury,  Bishop  of  Rochester,  who  said, 
"  He  had  prophesied  last  winter  this  Bill  would  be 
attempted  in  the  present  session,  and  he  was  sorry  to 
find  he  had  been  a  true  prophet."  Lord  Con- 
ingsby,  who  always  spoke  in  a  passion,  rose  imme- 
diately after  the  bishop,  and  remarked  that,  "  One 
of  the  right  reverends  had  set  himself  forth  as  a 
prophet,  but,  for  his  part,  he  did  not  know  what 
prophet  to  liken  him  to,  unless  to  that  famous  prophet 
Balaam,  who  was  reproved  by  his  own  ass."  The 
bishoi:),  in  reply,  with  great  wit  and  calmness,  exposed 
this  rude  attack,  concluding  in  these  words  :  "  Since 
the  noble  lord  hath  discovered  in  our  manners  such 
a  similitude,  I  am  well  content  to  be  compared  to 
the  prophet  Balaam  ;  but,  my  lords,  I  am  at  a  loss 
how  to  make  out  the  other  part  of  the  parallel.  I  am 
sure  I  have  been  reproved  by  nobody  but  his  lord- 
sliip."  From  that  day  forth  Lord  Coningsby  was 
called  "  Atterbury's  Pad."      [11] 

"  Grace    Before    Meat  " 

The   Rev.  M J ,  Congregational   minister  of 

Lewisham,  had  two  friends  who  were  visiting  at  his 
house  one  evening.  The  supper  consisted  of  a  pie 
which  was  not  too  large  for  four  persons,  though  per- 
haps too  large  for  such  a  meal  as  supper  ought  to  be. 
In  his  ''  grace  "  Mr.  J gratefully  said  : 


Bnalisb  mit  mt>  Dumor  137 

One  pie  between  four  of  us. 

And  thank  the  Lord  there  arc  no  more  of  us."    [20] 


Archbishop  Laud  was  a  man  of  short  stature. 
Charles  I  and  the  archbisliop  were  one  day  about  to 
sit  down  to  dinner  together,  when  it  was  agreed  that 
Archer,  the  king's  jester,  should  say  grace  for  them, 
which  he  did  as  follows  :  "  Great  praise  be  given  to 
God,  but  little  /ai/d  to  the  devil."      [i  i] 


One  day  when  Dr.  Johnson  was  speaking  upon  the 
subject,  I  asked  him  if  he  ever  huffed  his  wife  about 
his  dinner?  "So  often,"  he  replied,  "that  at  last 
she  called  to  me,  when  I  was  about  to  say  grace,  and 
said,  *  Nay,  hold,  Mr.  Johnson,  and  do  not  make  a 
farce  of  thanking  God  for  a  dinner  which  in  a  few 
minutes  you  will  protest  not  eatable.'  "      [9] 

One  for  Jehu  and  Two  for  Himself 

On  the  road  to  Epsom,  a  moustached  youth,  on  the 
top  of  a  drag,  evidently  ambitious  of  being  mis- 
taken for  "an  oflficer,"  thus  saluted  a  fat  coachman, 
who  was  gravely  driving  his  master  and  family — 
"  Halloa,  you,  sir!  where's  your  shirt  collar?  How 
dare  you  come  to  the  Derby  without  a  shirt  collar?" 
Jehu  growled  forth,  without  lifting  his  eyes  from  his 
horses — "  'Ow  the  doose  could  I  have  a  shirt  collar, 
when  your  mother  hasn't  set  home  niy  washing  !  " 

No  Inoculation  Needed 
"  I    believe   the   jury    have   been    inoculated    with 
stupidity,"  said  a  lawyer.     "  That  may  be,"  said  his 
opponent,  "  but  the  bar  are  of  the  opinion  that  you 
were  born  with  it." 

The  Moods  and  Tenses  of  the  Money  Lender 
A  schoolmaster,  describing  a  money  lender,  says  : 
"  He  serves  you  in  the  present  tense,  he  lends  you  in 
the  conditional  mood,  keeps  you  in  the  subjunctive, 
and  ruins  you  in  the  future." 


138  Bngligb  TKIlit  an&  Ibumor 

"  Second  Childhood  " 

Two  gentlemen  were  dining  at  a  restaurant  the 
other  night.  The  '-lamb"  that  they  had  ordered 
was  particularly  tough.  Jones  called  the  waiter. 
"What  is  this  meat  you  have  given  us?"  "  Lamb, 
sir."  "You  are  quite  sure  it's  lamb,  and  not 
mutton?"  Oh,  certainly,  sir."  "  H'm  !  Oh,  yes,  I 
see.     A  case  of  second  childhood,  probably." 

A  "  Friendly  "  Attitude 

A  Quaker,  driving  in  a  single-horse  chaise  up  a  green 
lane  that  leads  from  Newington  Green  to  Hornsey, 
happened  to  meet  with  a  young  man,  who  was  also 
in  a  single-horse  chaise.  There  was  not  room  enough 
for  them  to  pass  each  other,  unless  one  of  them  would 
l)ack  his  carriage,  which  they  both  refused. 

"  I'll  not  make  way  for  you,"  says  the  young  fellow, 
with  an  oath. 

"  I  think  I  am  older  than  thou  art,"  said  the 
Quaker,  "  and  therefore  have  a  right  to  expect  thee 
to  make  way  for  me." 

"  I  won't,"  resumed  the  first.  He  then  pulled  out 
a  newspaper  and  began  to  read  as  he  sat  still  in  his 
chaise. 

The  Quaker,  observing  him,  pulled  a  pipe  and  some 
tobacco  from  his  })ocket,  lighted  his  pipe,  and  sat  and 
puffed  away  very  comfortably.  '•  Friend,"  said  he, 
••  when  thou  hast  read  that  paper  I  should  be  glad  if 
thou  wouldst  lend  it  me."  The  young  man  gave  up 
the  contest. 

Holding  for  the  Rise 

A  wag,  passing  through  a  country  town  early  in  the 
nineteenth  century,  observed  a  fellow  placed  in  the 
stocks.  "  My  friend,"  said  he,  "  I  advise  you  by  all 
means  to  sell  out."  "  I  should  have  no  objection, 
your  honor,"  he  replied,  drily,  "but  at  present  they 
seem  much  too  low^ 

Ministerial  Exchanges 
At  the  bishop's  visitation  held  recently  at  Appleby, 
the  following   dialogue   was  overheard   between  two 


Bnglifib  lUit  anO  Ibumor  139 

youngsters  :  Jack  :  "  I  sa}-,  Bill,  what's  the  meanin' 
o'  so  mony  parsons  bein'  here?"  Bill :  "  Wie  !  they 
meets  yance  a  year  to  change  sarmons." 

Sectarian  Repartee 

Soon  after  Mr.  Lucas,  late  M.  P.  for  Meath,  had 
aVjjured  Quakerism,  he  was  encountered  by  John 
Bright,  M.  P.  for  Manchester,  who  exclaimed,  "Well, 
Friend  Lucas,  how  dost  thee  like  thy  new  supersti- 
tion?'' "Why,  Friend  Bright,"  retorted  Mr.  Lucas, 
"  I  like  it  better  than  I  did  our  old  hypocrisy  !  " 

"  Moods  "  and  "  Cases  "   from  a  Schoolboy's   Life 

A  few  days  ago  a  day  scholar  belonging  to  the 
grammar-school  in  this  town  was  passing  through  the 
market-place  with  a  satchel  on  his  back.  He  looked 
longingly  into  a  pastrycook's  shop,  when  a  gentleman 
came  up  and  said  to  him.  "  I  suppose,  my  lad,  you 
are  in  the  optative  mood.''  "  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the 
boy,  ''  and  I  hope  you  are  in  the  dative  case.''''  The 
boy  got  a  shilling  for  his  quickness.      [6] 

A  Sailor's  Explanation  of  Etiquette 

As  George  III,  King  of  Great  Britain,  was  walking 
the  quarter-deck  of  one  of  his  men-of-war  with  his 
hat  on,  a  sailor  asked  his  messmate,  "  who  that  lub- 
berly fellow  was  that  did  not  dowse  his  peak  to  the 
admiral?"  "Why,  it's  the  king,"  said  Jack.  "  Well, 
king  or  no  king,"  retorts  the  other,  "  he's  an  unman- 
nerly dog."  "  Lord,  where  should  he  learn  manners  ?" 
replied  Jack,  "he  never  was  out  of  sight  of  land  in 
his  life." 

A  Funny  Announcement 

A  lady  in  London  had  an  owl  which,  being  brought 
into  the  parlor,  she  said,  "  He  looks  very  grave,  poor 
fellow  ;  he  is  like  a  judge."  So  she  called  him  Lord 
Eldon.  A  day  or  two  after,  the  servant  came  into  the- 
parlor,  saying  to  her  mistress  before  the  company, 
"  Please  ma'am,  Lord  Eldon  has  laid  an  egg." 


140  jEnslisb  mm  anc)  Ibumor 

Certain  Death  Either  Way 
One  of  the  most  ludicrous  misprints  to  pass  an 
editor's  revision  upon  record,  occurs  in  a  number  of 
the  Qiiarlerly  Rez'iew.  A  writer  has  occasion  to 
transcribe  Dryden's  celebrated  portrait  of  a  country 
parson,  supposed  to  be  a  picture  of  Bishop  Ken  : 

"  A  parish  priest  was  of  the  pilgrim  train  ; 
An  awful,  reverend,  and  religious  man. 
Of  sixty  years  he  seemed,  and  well  mi|;ht  last 
To  sixty  more,  but  that  he  lived  to  fast." 

The  Quarterly  Review  prints  the  last  line — 
"...     but  that  he  lived  too  fast." 
Saving  Him  From  His  Rashness 

One  evening,  in  the  olden  time,  at  Haddon  Hall,  an 
impudent  young  fellow  who  was,  however,  old  enough 
to  know  better,  had,  by  some  extraordinary  chance 
got  a  pretty  Quakeress  into  a  si}'  corner  under  the 
mistletoe,  and  said  he  should  not  think  of  parting 
without  giving  her  a  kiss.     "  Friend,"  said  she  "thee 

must  not   do  it."      "  I'm  d d   if  I  don't,  though," 

said  he.     "  Well,  friend,  as  thee  hast  sworn  thee  may 
do  it,  but  thee  must  not  make  a  practice  of  it." 

Sin  and  its  Size 
When  a  violin  was  first  introduced  into  the  choir  of 
a  certain  church,  the  innovation  gave  great  offence  to 
so'nie  of  the  worthy  parishioners.  Especially  was  the 
player  of  the  bass  viol  exercised  with  sorrow  and  indig- 
nation when  the  frivolous  and  profane  fiddle  first  took 
its  place  in  the  house  of  God  by  the  side  of  his  sedate 
and  portly  instrument.  He  accordingly  laid  his  case 
before  the  parson  ;  who,  after  listening  soberly  to  his 
complaint,  replied,  "  It  may  be  as  you  say,  sir.  I 
don't  know  but  you  are  right ;  but,  if  you  are,  it 
strikes  me  the  greater  the  fiddle  the  greater  the  sin  !  " 

Afraid  to  Venture 
Leigh  Hunt  was  asked  by  a  lady,  at  dessert,  if  he 
would  venture  upon   an  orange.      "  Madam,  I  should 
be  happy  to  do  so,  but  I  am  afraid  I  should  tumble  off." 


Bnfllisb  xait  an&  tbumor  141 

Beginning  Too  Early 

A  good  tale  is  told  of  the  clerk  at  a  little  village 
church  near  Taunton.  At  this  church  the  service  is 
never  commenced  on  Sunday  mornings  until  the 
"  squire  "  has  taken  his  seat.  One  Sunday,  however, 
this  gentleman  happened  to  be  late,  and  a  neigliboring 
clergyman,  not  acquainted  with  the  ways  of  the 
place,  was  doing  duty.  So  he  commenced,  as  usual, 
with  "When  the  wicked  man "  He  had  pro- 
ceeded no  further  when  up  jumped  the  clerk,  bawling 
out,  "Stop,  stop,  sir,  he's  not  come  yet." 

A  Trade  Distinction,  With  Little  Difference 

A  certain  shopkeeper  had  for  his  virtue  obtained 
the  name  of  the  "  little  rascal."  A  stranger  asked 
him  why  this  appellation  had  been  given  to  him? 
"  To  distinguish  me  from  the  rest  of  my  trade," 
quoth  he,  '•  who  are  all  great  rascals." 

Tight  Lacing  "Good"  for  Consumption 

"  Doctor,  do  you  think  tight  lacing  is  bad  for  con- 
sumption?" "Not  at  all — it  is  what  it  lives  on." 
The  doctor's  reply  was  wise  as  well  as  witty. 

Boasting  of  Treasure  Before  a  Rothschild 

It  is  recorded  of  a  young  fop  who  visited  one  of  the 
Rothschilds,  that  he  was  so  proud  of  his  malachite 
sleeve-buttons,  that  he  insisted  upon  exhibiting  them 
to  his  host.  The  latter  looked  at  them,  and  said, 
"  Yes,  it  is  a  pretty  stone  ;  I  have  always  liked  it.  I 
have  a  mantle-piece  made  of  it  in  the  next  room  1  " 

A  Qualifying  Proposal 

It  is,  or  was,  usual  to  designate  parliamentary  com- 
mittees by  the  names  of  the  bills  which  they  met  to 
consider.  About  sixty  years  ago  a  bill  was  introduced 
into  the  House  of  Lords  for  enlcosing  the  lands  in  the 
parish  of  Great  Snoring,  in  the  county  of  Norfolk, 
and  was  in  regular  course  cotnmitted  to  a  select  com- 
mittee.    It  was  sometinits  a  practice  to  move  that  on 


142  jenglisb  Mit  anD  Dumor 

a  select  committee  all  the  Lords  who  attend  it  shall 
have  voices  ;  and  Lord  Eldon,  then  Lord  Chancellor, 
one  day  rose  with  the  greatest  gravity  and  said  :  "  I 
request  your  Lordships'  serious  attention  to  the 
motion  I  am  about  to  put.  It  is  that  all  the  Lords  who 
attend  the  Great  Snoring  Committee  shall  have 
voices." 

'*  Seven,"  and  "  Eleven,"  at  Dr.  Kitchiner's 

The  most  celebrated  wits  of  the  day  graced  the 
dinner  table  of  the  late  Dr.  Kitchiner,  and  among 
others  the  late  George  Colman,  who  was  an  especial 
favorite.  His  interpolation  of  a  little  monosyllable 
in  a  written  admonition  which  the  doctor  caused  to 
be  placed  on  the  mantel-piece  of  the  dining  parlor, 
will  never  be  forgotten,  end  was  the  origin  of  such  a 
drinking  bout  as  was  seldom  permitted  under  his 
roof.  The  caution  ran  thus  :  "  Come  at  seven,  go  at 
eleven."  Colman  briefly  altered  the  sense  of  it  ;  for 
upon  the  doctor's  attention  being  directed  to  the  card, 
he  read,  to  his  astonishment,  ''  Come  at  seven,  go  it 
at  eleven  !  '  which  the  guests  did,  and  the  claret  was 
punished  accordingly. 

•'Also"   and   "Likewise" — A    "Friendly" 
Exposition 

A  counsel  once  of  talents  vain, 

A  Quaker  rudely  treated, 
Who  often  in  his  story  plain. 

The  word,  a /so,  repeated. 

"  Also,"  said  Brief,  with  sneering  wit, 
•'  Won't  '  likewise  '  do  as  well  ?  " 

*'  No,  friend  ;  but  if  thou  wilt  permit, 
Their  difference  I  will  tell. 

"Scarlett's  a  counsel  learn'd,  we  know, 
Whose  talents  oft  surprise  ; 
Thou  art  a  counsel,  friend,  aiso, 
But  surelv  not  li^e-zcise." 


Bnglisb  TiClit  anD  Ibumor  143 

An  Up  and  Down  Reply 

During  the  examination  of  a  witness,  as  to  the 
locality  of  stairs  in  a  house,  the  counsel  asked  him  : 
"  Which  way  the  stairs  ran  ?  "  The  witness,  who,  by 
the  way,  was  a  noted  wag,  replied  that  "  one  way 
they  ran  ui)Stairs,  but  the  other  way  they  ran  down- 
stairs." 

The  learned  counsel  winked  both  eyes  and  then 
took  a  look  at  the  ceiling. 

Wisdom  which  was  Acquired — not  Heriditary 

"  If  I  were  so  unlucky,"  said  an  officer,  "as  to  have 
a  stupid  son,  I  would  certainly,  by  all  means,  make 
him  a  parson."  A  clergyman  who  was  in  the  com- 
pany calmly  replied,  "  You  think  differently,  sir, 
from  your  father." 

"  Commentators  "  Disagreeing  with  the  Parons 

A  clergyman,  in  the  course  of  an  argumentative 
sermon,  found  it  necessary  to  express  his  disagree- 
ment, upon  some  doctrinal  point,  with  those  who  had 
published  explanations  of  the  passage  in  question  ; 
he  accordingly  spoke  as  follows  :  "  Commentators, 
for  the  most  part  do  not  agree  with  me."  A  farmer, 
in  the  parish,  who  had  listened  to  the  discourse, 
appeared  the  next  morning  in  the  clergyman's  study, 
bringing  with  him  a  sack  of  portly  dimensions,  which 
he  begged  the  rector  to  accept,  telling  him  at  the 
same  time.  "  that  he  had  heard  him  say,  in  his  sermon, 
that  common  taters  did  not  agree  with  him,  and  so  he 
had  brought  him  a  sack  of  his  best  Kidneys." 

Sam  Deacon's  Ugly  Carriage 

Mr.  Samuel  Deacon,  a  most  respectable  Baptist 
minister,  who  resided  at  Barton  in  Leicestershire, 
was  not  peculiarly  happy  in  his  cast  of  countenance 
or  general  appearance.  Conscious  of  the  silly  ridi- 
cule his  unprepossessing  exterior  occasionally  exerted, 
he  made  the  following  good-humored,  quaint  epigram 
on  himself : 


144  Bnglisb  Wiit  anD  Ibumoc 

"  The  carcass  that  you  look  at  so, 
Is  not  Sam  Deacon,  you  must  know  ; 
But  'tis  the  carriage — the  machine 
Which  Samuel  Deacon  rideth  in."      [ii] 

A  Retort  not  Understood — Perhaps 
A  lover  of  music,  having  bored  a  friend,  who  called 
on  him,  with  a  number  of  sonatas  and  other  pieces  on 
the  fiddle,  observed  to  his  friend  that  they  were  all 
of  them  extremely  difficult.  His  friend,  who  had 
been  wearied  with  the  performance,  drily  replied,  "  I 
wish  they  had  been  impossible." 

Lord  Chesterfield  and  the  Dirty  Dishes 
Lord  Chesterfield  one  day,  at  an  inn  where  he 
dined  complained  very  much  that  the  plates  and 
dishes  were  very  dirty.  The  waiter,  with  a  degree  of 
pertness,  observed,  "  It  is  said  that  everyone  nmst  eat 
a  peck  of  dirt  before  he  dies."  "  That  may  be  true," 
said  Chesterfield,  "but  no  one  is  obliged  to  eat  it  all 
at  one  meal." 

Interesting  Conundrum — for  Asses  and 
Commercial  Travelers 
In  the  days  of  mail-coaches  a  loquacious  bagman 
and  a  priest  happened  to  travel  "  insides,"  the  rest  of 
the  company  consisting  of  two  young  ladies.  Desirous 
of  showing  off  his  wit,  the  traveler  chose  the  priest 
for  his  butt,  and  among  other  things  proposed  the 
question,  "  What  is  the  difference  between  an  ass  and 
a  priest?  "  His  reverence,  after  some  thought,  gave 
it  up.  "Why,"  said  the  triumphant  commercial, 
the  priest  has  a  cross  on  his  breast,  whilst  the  ass  has 
one  on  his  back."  "  Very  good,"  smiled  the  priest. 
"  Now  allow  me  to  propose  a  riddle  in  my  turn. 
What  is  the  difference  between  a  commercial  traveler 
and  an  ass?"  The  bagman  made  several  guesses, 
but  at  last  was  compelled  to  admit  that  he  "  did  not 
know."      "  Xor  I  either,"  was  the  calm  retort,      [ii] 

A  Pennyworth  of  Figs 
Abernethy,  while  canvassing  for  the   office  of  sur- 
geon to   St.   Bartholomew's   Hospital,   called  upon  a 


Bnglisb  llXIlit  anD  Ibumor  145 

rich  grocer.  "  I  suppose,  sir,"  said  the  grocer,  with 
much  importance,  "  you  want  my  vote  and  interest  at 
this  momentous  epoch  of  your  life?  "  "  No,  I  don't," 
said  Abernethy,  "  I  want  a  pennyworth  of  figs  ;  come, 
look  sharp  and  wrap  them  up,  for  I  want  to  be  off." 

A  Pretty  Retort 

A  lady,  one  day  in  conversation  with  Garrick,  said, 
*•  Dear  sir,  I  wish  you  were  a  little  taller  "  ;  to  which 
he  replied,  "  My  dear  madam,  how  happy  should  I  be 
did  I  stand  higher  in  your  estimation." 

Piety  which  is  not  Religious 

Tom  Hood,  on  hearing  the  piety  of  a  very  loqua- 
cious lady  spoken  of,  said,  "  Yes,  she  is  well-known 
for  lier  mag-piety." 

A  Well-timed  Reply 

A  certain  reprobate  buck-parson,  going  to  read 
prayers  at  a  remote  village  in  the  west  of  England, 
found    great    difficulty    in    putting    on    the    surplice, 

which  was  an  old-fashioned  one.      "  D n  this  old 

surplice,"  said  he  to  the  clerk,  "  I  think  the  d 1  is 

in  it."  The  astonished  clerk  waited  till  the  parson 
had  got  it  on,  and  then  sarcastically  answered,  "  I 
think  as  how  he  is,  zir  I  "      [ii] 

Suet  or  Dripping  ? 

A  gentleman  called  one  evening  to  see  Suett,  the 
commedian,  at  the  stage  door  of  the  theatre  at  which 
the  actor  was  engaged.  Suett  not  being  in  the  theatre, 
the  gentleman  — to  whom  the  actor's  person  was 
unknown — resolved  to  wait.  Presently  the  actor  came 
in,  drenched  with  the  rain,  which  was  falling  heavily. 

•'  Pray,  sir,"  said  the  gentleman,  "  are  you  Suett?" 
"  Egad,"  was  the  reply,  •'  I  rather  think  I'm  drippi)igy 

The  Promise  of  the  God-Parents 

One  of  the  candidates  for  confirmation  at  a  bishop's 
visitation,  on  being  asked  by  the  clerg>'man  to  whom 
she  applied  for  her  certificate  of  qualification,  what  her 
10 


146  Bnglisb  llClit  an&  l)umor 

god-fathers  and  god-mothers  promised  for  her,  said 
with  much  naivete  :  "  I've  a  yeard  that  they  proinised 
to  give  me  hafe  a  dozen  zilver  spoons,  but  I've  never 
had  'em  though." 

An  Unanswerable  Argument 

"  No  cows,  no  cream,"  was  the  way  a  compositor 
set  up  the  words,  "  No  cross,  no  crown." 

•'Do  You  Smoke,  Sir?" 

"  Do  you  smoke,  sir?"  said  a  London  sharper  to  a 
country  gentleman,  whom  he  met  in  a  coffee-house, 
and  with  whom  he  wished  to  scrape  acquaintance." 

"Yes,"  said  the  other,  with  a  cool,  steady  eye, 
"anyone  who  has  a  design  upon  me." 

An  Excellent  Memory;  or,  "  Remembering 
to  do  Good  " 

The  following  anecdote  will  prove  that  Fuller's  heart 
was  as  good  as  his  memory.  The  reverend  gentleman 
making  a  visit  to  the  Committee  of  Sequestrators  sit- 
ting at  Waltham  in  Esse.x,  they  soon  fell  into  a  dis- 
course and  commendation  of  his  great  memory,  to 
which  he  replied,  "'  'Tis  true,  gentlemen,  that  fame 
has  given  me  the  report  of  a  memorist,  and.  if  you 
please,  I  will  give  you  a  specimen  of  it."  They  all 
accepted  the  proposal,  and  told  him  they  should  look 
vipon  it  as  a  favor,  requesting  him  to  begin.  *'  Gentle- 
men," said  Fuller,  "you  want  a  specimen  of  my 
memory,  and  you  shall  have  a  good  one.  Your  wor- 
ships have  thought  it  fit  to  sequestrate  a  poor  but  hon- 
est parson,  who  is  my  near  neighbor,  and  commit  him 
to  prison.  The  unfortunate  man  has  a  large  family  of 
children,  and  as  his  circumstances  are  but  indifferent, 
if  you  will  have  the  goodness  to  release  him  out  of 
])rison,  I  pledge  myself  never  to  forget  the  kindness 
while  I  live."  It  is  said  that  this  jest  had  such  an 
influence  on  the  committee,  that  they  immediately 
released  the  poor  clergyman,  and  restored  him  to  his 
benefice,      [ii] 


BnflUsb  XOit  an&  Ibiimor  14? 

"  Grandfather's  Coat  " 
A  spendthrift,  who  had  wasted  nearly  all  his  patri- 
mony, seeing  an  acquaintance  in  a  coat  not  of  the 
newest  cut,  told  him  he  thought  it  had  been  his  great- 
grandfather's coat.  "  So  it  was,"  said  the  gentleman  ; 
"and  I  also  have  my  great-grandfather's  land,  which 
is  more  than  you  can  say." 

"Didn't  He  Want  to  Go  to  Heaven?" 

A  college  student  was  invited  one  Sunday  to  occupy 
the  pulpit  in  a  little  country  church.  After  what  he 
considered  a  masterly  effort  on  the  subject  of  "  Lazarus 
and  the  rich  man,"  he  called  on  a  good  old  brother  to 
pray,  and  was  somewhat  electrified  to  hear  the  follow- 
ing :  "  O  Lord  !  we  thank  Thee  that  we  are  not  like 
this  poor  despised  beggar  Lazarus,  who  we've  just 
been  listenin'  to  1  " 

A  Little  Swearing 
A  bishop  being  at  his  seat  in  the  country,  where  the 
roads  were  uncommonly  bad,  went  to  pay  a  visit  to  a 
person  of  quality  in  the  neighborhood,  when  his  coach 
was  overturned  in  a  slough,  whence  the  servants  were 
unable  to  extricate  it.  As  it  was  far  from  any  house, 
and  the  weather  bad,  the  coachman  at  last  told  his 
master  he  believed  they  must  stay  there  all  night. 
'•  For."  said  he,  "  w^hile  your  grace  is  present,  I  cannot 
make  the  horses  move."  Astonished  at  this  strange 
assertion,  his  lordship  desired  him  to  explain  himself. 
"  It  is,"  said  the  man.  "  because  I  dare  not  swear  in 
your  presence;  and  if  I  don't,  we  shall  never  get 
clear.''  The  bishop,  finding  nothing  could  be  done  if 
the  servant  was  not  humored,  replied,  "Well,  then, 
swear  a  little,  but  not  much."  The  coachman  made 
use  of  his  permission,  and  the  horses,  accustomed  to 
this  kind  of  language,  soon  set  the  coach  at  liberty,    [i  i  ] 

Bunyan's  Test  for  a  False   Prophet 

A  Quaker  called  upon  Bunyan  in  gaol  one  day,  with 
what  he  professed  to  be  a  message  from  the  Lord. 
"After  searching  for  thee."  said  he,  "  in  half  the  gaols 


148  Bnalisb  TlClit  an&  Dumor 

of  England,  I  am  glad  to  find  thee  at  last."  "  If  the 
Lord  sent  thee,"  said  Bunyan,  sarcastically,  "  you 
would  not  have  needed  to  take  so  much  trouble  to  find 
me  out,  for  He  knows  that  I  have  been  in  Bedford 
gaol  these  seven  years  past."     [12] 

He  Didn't  Know  Everything 

Mr.  Hissey  relates  an  experience  oA  the  road  which 
had  its  comical  aspect,  aside  from  its  provoking 
incivility.  He  came  upon  two  men  filling  a  w^ell  with 
water  from  casks  in  a  cart.  As  it  struck  him  that 
this  "  carrying  coals  to  Newcastle  "  was  a  curious  sort 
of  proceeding,  he  pulled  up  to  make  inquiries  as  to 
the  object  of  doing  this.  The  well  appeared  to  be  an 
old  one,  and  the  weather  had  not  of  late  been  par- 
ticularly dry,  so  we  were  naturally  surprised  at  the 
rare  sight. 

"Anything  the  matter  with  the  wvW  ?  "  we  e.xclaimed. 
"  We  always  thought  that  water  was  got  from  wells, 
not  put  into  them." 

To  which  we  received  the  somewhat  curt  reply  : 
"  Perhaps  you  comes  from  London  town  ?  " 

We  acknowledged  the  fact. 

'*  Ah,  I  thought  so  !  You  Londoners  are  very  clever 
fellows — thinks  as  how  you  knows  everything.  Now 
you  sees  you  don't." 

An  Apt   Scripture   Quotation 

"Did  I  not  give  you  a  flogging  the  other  day  ? " 
said  a  schoolmaster  to  a  trembling  boy. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  answered  the  boy. 

"  Well,  what  do  the  Scriptures  say  upon  the 
subject?" 

"  I  don't  know,  sir,"  said  the  boy;  "except  it  is, 
*  It's  more  blessed  to  give  than  to  receive.'  " 

The   King,  Lord  Chesterfield  and— The  Devil 

Soon  after  Lord  Chesterfield  came  into  the  Privy 
Council,  a  place  of  greut  trust  happened  to  become 
vacant,  to  which  his  majesty  (George  II)  and  the 
Duke  cit  Dorset  recommended  two  different  persons. 


Hnalisb  lUit  anD  tbumor  149 

The  king  espoused  the  interest  of  his  friend  with  some 
heat,  but  not  being  able  to  carry  his  point,  left  the 
council-chamber  in  great  displeasure.  As  soon  as  he 
retired,  the  matter  was  warmly  debated,  but  at  length 
carried  against  the  king.  However,  in  the  humor  the 
king  then  was,  a  question  arose  as  to  who  should 
carry  the  grant  of  the  office  for  the  royal  signature, 
and  the  lot  fell  upon  Chesterfield.  His  lordship  found 
his  sovereign  in  a  very  unfavorable  mood  ;  he  there- 
fore prudently  forbore  incensing  him  by  an  abrupt 
request,  and  instead  of  bluntly  asking  him  to  sign  the 
instrument,  very  submissively  requested  to  know 
whose  name  his  majesty  would  have  inserted  to  fill  up 
the  blanks.  The  king  answered  in  a  passion,  "The 
devil's,  if  you  will."  "  \'ery  well."  replied  the  earl  ; 
"but  would  your  majesty  have  the  instrument  run  in 
the  usual  style — 'Our  trusty  and  well-beloved  cousin 
and  counselor  '  ?  "  The  monarch  laughed,  and  signed 
the  paper. 

Graceful   Criticism 

The  celebrated  Dr.  Balguy,  author  of  the  work  on 
"  Divine  Benevolence,"  after  having  delivered  an 
exceedingly  good  discourse  at  Winchester  Cathedral, 
the  text  of  which  was.  "All  wisdom  is  sorrow." 
received  the  following  elegant  compliment  from  Dr. 
Watson,  then  at  Winchester  School  : 
"  If  what  you  advance,  dear  doctor,  be  true. 
That '  wisdom  is  sorrow.'  how  wretched  are  you  !  "  [i  i] 

Clergymen  and  Corkscrews 

The  Earl  of  Sandwich,  known  by  the  name  of 
"  Jemm}'  Twitcher,"  who  was  noted  for  making  pretty 
free  with  the  clerical  cloth,  being  in  a  large  company 
where  there  were  ten  clergymen  present,  secretly 
offered  a  considerable  bet  to  the  gentleman  who  sat 
next  him,  that  there  was  not  a  single  prayer-book  in 
the  pocket  of  any  of  the  parsons.  The  wager  being 
accepted,  a  pretended  dispute  respecting  some  article 
in  the  church  service  gave  occasion  to  an  inquiry  for 
a  prayer-book,  but  none  of  the  clergymen  could  pro- 


150  Bnalieb  "UHit  anD  Ibumoc 

duce  one.  A  little  later,  the  earl  privately  offered 
another  bet  to  the  same  amount,  that  there  was  not 
among  the  ten  parsons  a  single  one  of  them  without  a 
corkscrew.  This  wager  was  accepted  ;  and  the  butler, 
being  properly  instructed,  presently  entered  the  room 
with  a  bottle  of  claret  and  a  broken  corkscrew, 
requesting  the  favor  of  any  gentleman  who  had  such 
a  thing,  to  lend  it  to  him,  when,  in  an  instant,  each 
of  the  ten  parsons  pulled  a  corkscrew  out  of  his 
l)Ocket.      [ii] 

Pitt  and  Possible  Invasion 

The  following  anecdote  is  recorded  in  Lord  Stan- 
hope's "  Life  of  Pitt  "  :  A  pleasantry  of  Pitt  has  been 
preserved  by  tradition.  It  seems  that  one  battalion 
of  volunteers  which  he  was  forming,  or  in  the  forma 
tion  of  which  he  was  consulted,  did  not  show  the  same 
readiness  as  that  displayed  by  the  rest.  Their  draft 
rules,  which  the}*  sent  to  Pitt,  were  full  of  cautions 
and  reserves.  The  words  "  except  in  the  case  of 
actual  invasion,"  were  constantly  occurring.  At 
length  came  a  clause  that  at  no  time,  and  on  no 
account  whatever,  were  they  to  be  sent  out  of  the 
country.  Pitt  here  lost  patience,  and,  taking  up  his 
pen,  he  wrote  opposite  to  that  clause  in  the  draft  the 
same  words  as  he  had  read  in  the  preceding,  "  Excej)t 
in  the  case  of  actual  invasion."      [13] 

The  Lady  and  the  Play 

A  lady  who  had  written  a  play  sent  it  to  a  manager 
of  a  theatre  with  a  very  civil  message,  offering  it  to 
him  for  nothing.  He  observed,  "  She  knew  the  exact 
value  of  it." 

•'  Lapsus  Linguae,"  or  the    Dangers  of  Imitation 

A  gentleman's  servant  bringing  into  the  dining- 
room  (where  a  dinner  party  was  assembled)  a  boiled 
tongue,  tripped  on  the  floor,  and  caused  the  tongue  to 
roll  off  the  dish.  The  master  of  the  house,  not  the 
least  affected  by  the  accident,  soon  removed  the 
embarrassment  of  his  guests,  as  well  as  of  the  ser- 
vant, by  saying,  with  much  good  humor,  "  There's  no 


BnQlisb  Mit  anD  tmmoc  151 

Tiarm  done,  gentlemen  ;  it  is  merely  -a  lapsus  liyigucs.'^ 
This  {oWMn-eX^  jeu-de-viot  excited  much  merriment. 

A  gentleman  present,  struck  with  the  happy  effect 
of  this  stroke  of  wit  was  determined  to  let  off  the  joke 
himself.  He  invited  a  large  party,  and  when  they 
were  all  assembled  he  directed  his  servant  to  let  a 
piece  of  roast  beef  fall  on  the  floor.  "  Never  mind," 
cried  the  host,  "  it  is  only  a  lapsus  lingucB.'" 

"Saving"  the  Dinner 
The  dinner  daily  prepared  for  the  royal  chaplains 
at  St.  James'  was  reprieved  for  a  time  from  suspen- 
sion by  an  effort  of  wit.  King  Charles  II  had 
appointed  a  day  for  dining  with  his  chaplains,  before 
an  end  should  be  put  to  those  dinners.  It  was  Dr. 
South's  turn  to  say  grace,  and  whenever  the  king  thus 
honored  his  chaplains  the  prescribed  formula  ran 
thus  :  "  God  save  the  king,  and  bless  the  dinner." 
Our  witty  divine  took  the  liberty  of  transposing  the 
words  by  saying,  "  God  bless  the  king,  and  save  the 
dinner."  "  It  shall  be  saved,"  said  the  king,  and 
he  kept  his  word,      [ii] 

Ill-constructed  Sentences 
The  following  are  whimsical  instances  of  erroneous 
construction  of  sentences  :  In  the  narrative  of  an 
incident  some  time  since,  it  was  stated  that  "  a  poor 
old  woman  was  run  over  by  a  cart  aged  sixt\'."  So, 
in  a  case  of  supposed  poisoning,  a  witness  said  :  "  He 
had  something  in  a  blue  paper  in  his  hand,  and  I  saw 
him  put  his  head  over  the  pot  and  put  it  in !  " 
Another,  swallowing  a  base  coin  :  "  He  snatched  the 
half-crown  from  the  boy,  which  he  swallowed."  An 
old  fellow,  who  had  for  many  years  sold  combustible 
matches  in  London,  had  the  following  cry  :  ••  Buy  a 
pennyworth  of  matches  of  a  poor  old  man,  made  of 
foreign  wood  !  " 

Sydney  Smith  and  His  Portrait 
It  is  recorded  of  Sydney   Smith   that  he  was  once 
asked  by  Landseer,  the  celebrated  animal  painter,  to 
sit  for  his  portrait.     "  Is  thy  servant  a  dog   that    he 
should  do  this  ?  "  was  the  reply  of  the  witty  divine. 


152  Bnglisb  "Umt  anO  Ibumor 

Royal  Precedence 
One  day,  at  the  table  of  George  IV,  when  Prince 
Regent,  the  royal  host,  said,  "  Why,  Colman,  you  are 
older  than  I  am  !  "  "  Oh,  no,  sir,"  replied  Colman, 
"  I  could  not  take  the  liberty  of  coming  into  the  world 
before  your  royal  highness  !  " 

Charles  Kean  and  His  Critic 
During  one  of  Charles  Kean's  visits  to  the  United 
States  he  was  entertained  at  dinner  by  one  of  the 
great  New  York  merchants.  Opposite  to  him  at  table 
there  sat  a  gentleman  who  continued  to  observe  him 
with  marked  attention,  and  at  last  called  on  the  host 
to  present  him  to  Mr.  Kean.  The  introduction  was 
duly  made  and  ratified  by  drinking  wine  together  ; 
when  the  stranger,  with  much  impressiveness  of  man- 
ner, said  :  "  I  saw  you  in  Richard  last  night."  Kean, 
feeling,  not  unnaturally,  that  a  compliment  was 
approaching,  smiled  blandly  and  bowed.  "  Yes,  sir," 
continued  the  other,  in  a  slow,  almost  judicial  tone, 
"  I  have  seen  your  father  in  Richard ;  and  I  saw  the 
last  Mr.  Cooke  ";  another  pause,  in  which  Charles 
Kean's  triumph  was  gradually  mounting  higher  and 
higher.  "  Yes,  sir,  Cooke,  sir,  was  better  than  your 
father ;  and  your  father,  sir,  was  a  long  way  better 
than  you  !  " 

The  Paley  Family  Arms 
"When  I  set  up  a  carriage,"  said  Dr.  Paley,  "it 
was  thought  right  that  my  armorial  bearings  should 
appear  on  the  panels.  Now,  we  had  none  of  us  ever 
heard  of  the  Paley  arms ;  none  of  us  had  ever 
dreamt  that  such  a  thing  existed,  or  had  ever  been. 
All  the  old  folks  of  the  family  were  consulted  ;  they 
knew  nothing  about  it.  Great  search  was  made,  how- 
ever, and  at  last  we  found  a  silver  tankard  on  which  was 
engraved  a  coat  of  arms.  It  was  carried  by  common 
consent  that  these  tmist  be  the  family  arms,  so  they 
were  painted  on  the  carriage  and  looked  very  hand- 
some. The  carriage  went  on  very  well  with  them,  and 
it  was  not  till  six  months  afterwards  that  we  found  out 
that  the  tankard  had  been  bought  at  a  sale."      [i  i] 


Bnglisb  XUit  anD  t)umor  153 

New  Thoughts  on  an  Old   Text 

A  young  chaplain  of  Lord  Mul.^rave's  had  preached 
a  sermon  of  great  length  before  his  lordship.  "  Sir," 
said  Lord  Mulgrave,  bowing  to  him,  "there  was 
something  in  your  sermon  of  to-day  I  never  heard 
before."  "  Oh,  my  lord,"  said  the  flattered  chaplain, 
*•  it  is  a  common  text,  and  I  could  not  have  hoped  to 
have  said  anything  new  on  the  subject.  What  did 
you  hear  for  the  first  time?"  "I  heard  the  clock 
strike  twice,"  said  Lord  Mulgrave. 

Shaking  Hands  at  a  Duel 

At  a  duel  the  combatants  discharged  their  pistols 
without  effect,  whereupon  one  of  the  seconds  inter- 
fered and  proposed  that  the  dueligts  should  shake 
hands.  To  this  the  other  second  objected  as  unnec- 
essary. '■  Their  hands,"  said  he,  "  have  been  shaking 
this  half  hour." 

Sydney  Smith  and  "A  Meeting  of  the  Clergy" 

It  is  related  of  Sydney  Smith  that  once  on  entering 
a  drawing-room  in  a  West  End  mansion,  he  found  it 
lined  with  mirrors  on  all  sides.  Finding  himself 
reflected  in  every  direction,  he  said  that  he  "  supposed 
he  was  at  a  meeting  of  the  clergy,  and  there  seemed 
to  be  a  very  respectable  attendance." 

"Going  By"  the  "Regulator  Coach" 

A  gentleman  was  one  day,  in  the  old  coaching 
times,  traveling  by  a  coach  which  moved  at  a  very 
slow  pace.  "  Pray,"  said  he  to  the  guard,  "  what  is 
the  name  of  this  coach?"  -'The  Regulator,"  was 
the  reply.  "And  a  very  appropriate  name,  too," 
said  the  traveler,  "for  I  see  all  the  other  coaches 
go  by  it." 

Bishop  Law's  Rebuke  of  an  Indolent  Clergyman 

One  of  the  parishes  of  the  county  of  Somerset  fail- 
ing to  be  as  closely  attended  by  its  spiritual  shepherd 
as  was  his  duty,  one  Sunday  morning  a  gentleman 
rode  up  to  the  church  door,  and  not   finding   it  open. 


154  JBrxQlisb  Mit  an&  Ibumor 

inquired  for  the  clerk  or  sexton,  to  which  he  put  the 
question  whether  there  would  be  any  service  that 
morning  "  Why,  now,  zur,"  said  John,  "  I  don't 
think  there  wool.  We  mus'xi'  expect  measter  here 
to-day!"  "Well,  never  mind  him,"  said  the 
inquirer,  "  go  and  ring  the  bell  ;  I  am  come  to  do  this 
day's  service."  John's  dutiful  instinct  being  suffi- 
ciently alive  to  the  command,  without  the  ceremony 
i>f  first  learning  the  name  and  quality  of  his  inter- 
1<  cutoi,  the  grateful  bells  were  gladly  heard,  and  soon 
the  parishioners  flocked  to  the  church.  The  stranger 
])roceeded  with  the  service,  and  delivered  a  discourse 
that  fully  convinced  his  admiring  hearers  that  there 
was  no  lack  of  reverend  qualifications  for  his  office. 
Upon  his  departure,  the  preacher  left  a  record  in  the 
vestry-book,  under  the  proper  date,  to  this  effect  : 
"  Divine  service  was  performed  here  this  day  by  the 
Bishop  of  Bath  and  Wells."  The  preacher  was  no 
other  but  Dr.  Law,  the  bishop  of  the  diocese,      [ii] 

'•  No  Effects  "  Without  Causes 

"So   poor .    the    barrister,    is   dead,"     said   a 

judge  in  the  nisi  pn'ifs  conrt.  '•  and  I  hear,  poor  fellow, 
that  he  left  but  very  few  effects.'*''  "Not  likely  that 
he  could  leave  many,"  said  Lyndhurst.  with  a  know- 
ing look,  ''  when  he  had  so  few  causes.^* 

The  Puritan  and  the  Young  Lady's  Curls 

A  Puritan  preacher  rebuked  a  young  girl,  who  had 
just  been  making  her  hair  into  ringlets.  "  Ah,"  said 
he,  "  had  (iod  intended  your  locks  to  be  curled.  He 
would  have  curled  them  for  you."  "  When  I  was  an 
infant,"  replied  the  damsel,  "  He  did  ;  but  now  I  am 
grown  up.  He  thinks  I  am  able  to  do  it  myself." 

Any  Change  Must  be  an  Improvement 

"  How  are  you  this  morning?"  said  Fawcett,  the 
comedian,  to  George  Frederick  Cooke.  "  Not  at  all 
myself,"  replied  the  tragedian.  "Then  I  congratulate 
you,"  replied  Fawcett,  "for,  be  whoever  else  you 
will,  you  will  be  a  gainer  by  the  bargain." 


JEwQlisb  "Mix  anO  Ibumor  loo 

Dean  Sherlock's  "  Reasons  " 

Dr.  William  Sherlock,  Dean  of  St.  Paul's  and 
master  of  the  Temple,  at  the  Revolution  of  1688  was 
greatl}'  embarrassed  how  to  act.  The  government 
gave  him  time  for  consideration,  and,  overruled  b\- 
his  wife's  entreaties,  he  took  the  oaths.  A  little  whilt- 
after,  a  wag  seeing  him  handing  her  along  St.  Paul's 
churchyard  (it  was  customary  at  that  time  to  lead  a 
lady  by  the  hand,  not  to  give  her  the  arm),  said  : 
"  There  goes  Dr.  Sherlock,  with  his  reasons  for  tak- 
ing the  oaths  at  his  finger's  ends."      [11] 

Scarcity  and  High  Prices 

George  I,  on  a  journey  to  Hanover,  stopped  at  a 
village  in  Holland,  and  while  horses  were  getting 
ready  for  him,  he  asked  for  two  or  three  eggs,  which 
were  brought  him,  and  charged  a  hundred  florins. 
"  How  is  this?"  said  the  king,  "eggs  must  be  very 
scarce  here."  "  Pardon  me,"  said  the  host,  "  eggs  are 
plentiful  enough,  but  kings  are  scarce." 

An  Englishman's  Remark  on  a  Scotchman's 
Tenacity 

On  one  occasion,  during  a  debate  in  the  House  of 
Commons,  one  of  the  members  of  the  House  was 
inquiring  for  a  representative  of  a  Scotch  county,  and 
was  informed  that  he  had  left  his  place.  "  I  never 
before,"  said  the  M.  P.,  "  knew  a  Scotchman  quit  his 
place."  "  Except,"  added  a  friend  near  him,  "  except 
his  native  place." 

A  Keen  Thrust 

King  Charles  II  possessed  the  reputation  of  being 
skilled  in  naval  architecture.  Being  once  at  Chatham 
to  view  a  ship  which  had  just  been  comi)leted,  he  asked 
the  famous  Killigrew  "If  he  did  not  think  he  should 
make  an  excellent  shipwright  !  ''  Killigrew  replied 
that  "  he  always  thought  his  majesty  would  have  done 
better  at  any  trade  than  his  own  1  " 


156  Bnglisb  TDJlit  anC»  Ibumoc 

Humbug  Defined 
A  woman  was  being  examined  at  the  Old  Bailey  as 
a  witness,  when  to  a  question  put  by  the  barrister, 
Clarkson,  she  replied,  "  Don't  think  to  humbug  me." 
Upon  which  the  recorder  said,  "  Answer  the  question 
directly,  woman,  or  I  will  commit  you."  "Ay,"  said 
Clarkson,  ''  and  tell  us  what  you  mean  by  humbug?  " 
"Why,"  replied  the  woman,  "if  I  was  to  tell  you, 
Mr.  Clarkson,  that  the  recorder  was  a  gentleman, 
that  would  be  humbugging  you,  and  the  court,  too." 

A  Bishop  on  Squinting 
Dr.  John  Thomas,  who  died  Bishoj)  of  Salisbury  in 
1766,  was  a  man  of  humor  and  drollery,  and  with  a 
terrible  obliquity  in  his  visual  rays.  One  day  he  was 
entertaining  the  conipany  with  a  humorous  account  of 
some  man.  In  the  midst  of  his  story  he  stopped 
short  and  said,  "  The  fellow  squinted  most  hideously  "; 
and  then  looking  around  and  squinting  in  every 
variety  of  ugliness,  he  added.  "  And  I  hate  your 
squinting  fellows." 

A  Musical  Wedding 
John     Palmer,  the    actor,   appeared    one     day    at 
rehearsal     in      great     agitation.  Jack      Bannister 

requested  to  know  what  was  the  matter.  "  Why,  sir, 
my  donkey  of  a  brother  was  married  yesterday  to  a 
penniless  girl  by  the  name  of  Sharp."  "  My  dear 
friend,"  said  Bannister,  "  don't  fret ;  it  was  a  musical 
wedding — there  was  a  flat  and  a  sharp." 

Easily  Altered 

Charles  II,  playing  tennis  with  a  dignified  prebend, 

who  had  struck  the  ball  well,  exclaimed  :   "  Not  a  bad 

stroke  for  a  dean  .^  "      "I'd  give   it   the   stroke   of  a 

bishop,'''  said  Mr.  Dean,"  if  your  majesty  pleases."  [11] 

"  Filing  a  Bill" 

A  solicitor  who  had  a  remarkably  long  and  pointed 

nose,  once  told  a  lady,  that  if  she  did  not  immediately 

settle  a  matter  which  he  had  in  hand  against  her,  he 

would  file  a  bill  against  her.      "  Indeed,  sir,"  said  the 


Bncilisb  XUit  anO  Ibumor  157 

lady,  "you  need  not  /f/<^  your  /'///,  for  I  am  sure  it  is 
sharp  enough  already." 

Bonner's  Humor  Respecting  the  Loss  of  His  Own 
Head 
When  Henry  VIII  proposed  to  send  Bishop  Bonner 
to  France,  in  a  diplomatic  capacity,  the  king  told  him 
that  he  must  speak  to  the  French  monarch  in  a  very 
lofty  tone,  at  the  same  time  instructing  him  what  to 
say.  "  Please  your  majesty,"  quoth  the  bishop,  "  if  I 
should  hold  such  haughty  language.  King  Francis,  in 
all  i,«robability,  would  order  my  head  to  be  chopped 
off."  •'  If  he  dared  to  do  such  a  thing,"  cried  Henry, 
••  I  would  chop  of  the  heads  of  ten  thousand  French- 
men for  it."  "Truly,  your  majesty,"  objected  Bon- 
ner, "but,  perhaps,  not  one  of  those  heads  would  fit 
my  shoulders."      [ii] 

A  True  Bishop 
Dr.  Hough,  Bishop  of  Winchester,  was  remarkable 
for  sweetness  of  temper,  as  well  as  every  other 
Christian  virtue,  of  which  the  following  story  affords 
a  proof  :— A  young  gentleman,  whose  family  had  been 
well  acquainted  with  the  bishoj),  in  making  the  tour 
of  England  before  he  went  abroad,  called  to  pay  his 
respects  to  his  lordship  as  he  passed  by  his  seat  in 
the  country.  It  happened  to  be  dinner  time,  and  the 
room  full  of  company.  The  bishop,  however,  received 
him  with  much  familiarity  :  but  the  servant  in  reach- 
ing him  a  chair  threw  down  a  curious  weather-glass, 
that  had  cost  twenty  guineas,  and  broke  it.  The  gen- 
tleman was  under  infinite  concern,  and  began  to  make 
an  apology  for  being  himself  the  occasion  of  the  acci- 
dent, when  the  bishop,  with  great  good  humor,  inter- 
rupted him.  "  Be  under  no  concern,  sir,"  said  his 
lordship,  smiling,  "  as  I  am  much  beholden  to  you  for 
it.  We  have  had  a  very  dry  season,  and  now  I  hope 
we  shall  have  rain.  I  never  saw  the  glass  so  lent'  in 
my  life."  Every  one  was  pleased  with  the  humor  and 
pleasantry  of  the  turn,  and  more  so,  as  his  lordship  was 
then  more  than  eighty,  a  time  of  life  when  the  infirmi- 
ties of  old  age  make  most  men  peevish  and  hasty,    [i  i] 


168  ;enali0b  XUit  an^  Ibumor 

An  Inspiring  Hearer 
"Well,  Jackson,"  said  a  minister,  walking  home- 
wards after  service  with  an  industrious  laborer,  who 
was  a  constant  attendant  at  church — "  Well,  Jackson, 
Sunday  must  be  a  blessed  da}'  of  rest  to  you,  who 
work  so  hard  all  the  week  i  And  you  make  good  use 
of  the  day  ;  for  you  are  always  to  be  seen  at  church  :  " 
"Ay,  sir,"  replied  the  rustic,  "  it  be  indeed  a  blessed 
day ;  I  works  hard  enough  all  the  week,  and  when  I 
comes  to  church  o'  Sundays,  I  sets  me  down,  and 
tucks  my  legs  up,  and  thinks  o'  notliing.'''' 

The  Size  of  Meanness 

Robert  Hall  once  said  of  a  member  of  his  congre- 
gation, that  he  had  such  a  little  soul  that  it  could  not 
only  be  put  into  a  nut  shell,  but  that,  if  there  were  a 
maggot  hole  in  the  shell,  it  could  creep  out. 

"A  Stranger,  and  Ye   Took  Mc  In" 

Quin,  when  he  first  went  to  Bath,  was  charged 
exorbitantly  for  everything;  and  at  the  end  of  a  week 
complained  to  Beau  Nash,  who  had  invited  him 
thither  as  the  cheapest  place  in  England  for  a  man  of 
taste  and  a  bon-vivant.  Beau  Nash  replied,  "  They 
have  acted  by  you  on  really  Christian  principles." 
"How  so?"  said  Quin.  "Why,"  resumed  Nash, 
"  you  were  a  stranger,  and  they  took  you  in."  "Ay,"' 
rejoined  Quin,  "  but  they  have  fleeced  me  instead  of 
clothing  me  !  " 

Curious  Provision  in  a  Will 

Madame  Creswell,  a  notoriously  bad  character  of 
King  Charles  IPs  reign,  died  a  prisoner  in  Bridewell. 
She  desired  by  will  to  have  a  sermon  preached  at  her 
funeral,  for  which  the  preacher  was  to  have  £\o  ;  but 
upon  this  express  condition,  that  he  was  to  say 
nothing  but  what  was  icell  of  her.  After  a  sermon  on 
the  general  subject  of  mortality  the  preacher  con- 
cluded with  saying,  "  By  the  will  of  a  deceased  sister, 
it  is  expected  that   I   should   mention    her,   and  say 


lEwQlisb  'CClit  anO  Dumor  159 

nothing  but  what  was  zeell  of  her.  All  that  I  shall 
say,  therefore,  of  her  is  this  :  She  was  born  wel/,  she 
lived  we//,  and  she  died  zee// ;  for  she  was  born  with 
the  name  of  Creswell,  she  lived  in  Clerkenwell,  and 
she  died  in  Bridewell."      [ii] 


A  Bid  at  an  Auction 

Charles  Bannister,  going  home  one  evening,  dropped 
into  a  room  where  an  evening  auction  was  going  on. 
The  auctioneer  was  just  about  to  knock  oflf  a  lot  as 
Bannister  entered  the  room.  "  Going,"  said  the 
auctioneer,  raising  his  hammer.  "Going;  will  no 
one  bid  any  more?  "  '•  I  will  bid  more,"  said  Bannis- 
ter. "  What  will  you  bid?  "  said  the  auctioneer.  "  I 
will  bid  you  good-night !  "  was  the  repl)-,  as  the  wit 
walked  away. 

"Almost    Persuaded"  to  "Make    a    Christian  of 
Him" 

Dr.  Buckner,  Bishop  of  Chichester,  had  a  footman 
living  with  him  at  one  time,  whose  cognomen  was 
David,  but  who,  upon  investigation,  it  appeared,  had 
never  been  baptized.  To  have  the  man  made  a 
Christian,  the  bishop  felt  was  his  imperative  duty  ; 
and  for  this  purpose  his  curate,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Croker, 
was  requested  to  attend  him  at  his  residence  in  Wig- 
more  Street,  to  perform  the  ceremony,  whilst  the 
prelate  and  his  niece  were  to  be  the  sponsors.  After 
tea  a  basin  of  water  was  brought  in,  and  David  made 
his  appearance.  Mr.  Croker  and  the  lady  exchanged 
glances,  and  at  length  were  unable  to  repress  their 
laughter ;  however,  they  took  their  places  at  the 
temporary  font  ;  but  as  the  bishop  perceived  that  the 
ceremony  was  not  likely  to  be  very  impressive,  he 
wisely  deferred  the  christening  till  a  more  favorable 
opportunity,  a?id  /eft  David  to  his  fate,      [ii] 

[\\'ould  not  the  bishop  have  been  more  consistent 
if  he  had  "'made  Christians"  of  the  curate  and  the 
lady  by  baptizing  them  first  ? — Ed.] 


160  Bnfllisb  l^it  an^  fbumor 

A  Possible  Explanation  of  Changed  Opinions 
The  Bishop  of  Norwich,  being  at  Malvern  in  1761, 
met  with  an  old  fellow  who  was  reported  to  be  a  deist. 
This  gentleman  thought  proper  to  touch  some  points 
■of  religion  to  his  lordship,  who,  not  choosing  to  enter  far 
into  the  subject  with  him,  said  :  "  When  I  think  a  man 
much  in  the  wrong  in  an  opinion.  I  may  pity  him,  but 
I  can  never  be  angry  with  him  for  differing  from  me. 
I  never  knew  a  man  change  his  opinion  for  being 
kicked  DOWN  stairs^  "  \'ery  true,  my  lord,"  re])lied 
the  other,  "but  I  have  known  many  a  man  do  it  for 
being  kicked  up  stairs."''      [11] 

Wordsworth's    Mind 

Mr.  Buckle  used  to  relate  and  amusing  joke  refer- 
ring to  Charles  Lamb  and  Wordsworth.  Wordsworth 
on  one  occasion  told  Lamb  that  Shakespeare  was 
much  overrated  ,and  exi)ressed  an  opinion  that  lie 
could,  if  he  had  a  mind,  write  as  well  as  Shakespeare, 
"  But  you  see,"  said  Lamb,  "  he  had  not  the 
ftiind.'"'      [19] 

A  Witty  Decision 

The  Duke  of  Dorset,  John  Dryden,  Bolingbroke, 
and  Chesterfield  were  in  the  habit  of  spending  their 
evenings  together  ;  'twas  in  general,  "  the  feast  of 
reason  and  the  flow  of  soul  "  ;  on  one  occasion,  how- 
ever, ennui  had  taken  possession  of  the  whole  ;  at  last 
it  was  proposed  that  the  three  aristocrats  should  each 
write  a  something,  and  place  it  under  the  candlestick, 
and  that  Dryden  (who  was  at  that  period  in  very  indif- 
ferent circumstances)  should  determine  who  had 
written  the  best  thing.  It  was  no  sooner  proposed 
than  agreed  to  ;  the  scrutiny  commenced,  judgment 
was  given  :  "  My  lords,"  said  Dryden,  addressing 
Bolingbroke  and  Chesterfield,  "you  each  of  you  have 
proved  your  wit,  but  I  am  sure  you  will,  nevertheless, 
agree  with  me,  that  his  grace  the  Duke  of  Dorset  has 
excelled  ;  pray  attend  my  lords, — '  I  promise  to  pay 
John  Dryden,  Esq.,  on  demand,  one  hundred  pounds 
— Dorset.'  "  It  scarcely  need  be  observed,  that  the 
noble  wits  subscribed  to  the  judgment. 


jEnalisb  Wit  anD  Ibumor  i^Ji 

At  One  Time  Wise — At  Another,  Otherwise 

The  Rev.  Mr.  .A.lcock,  in  the  middle  of  the  last 
century,  was  rector  of  Burnsal,  near  Skipton,  in 
Yorkshire  ;  he  was  a  learned  man  and  a  wit,  but  so 
much  addicted  to  waggery  that  he  sometimes  forgot  his 
ofifice,  and  indulged  in  sensible  eccentricities,  and  at 
others  in  sallies  rather  unbecoming  a  minister,  though 
nevertheless  he  was  a  sincere  Christian.  An  example 
of  each  is  here  given  : 

On  one  occasion  wlien  in  the  pulpit,  he  found  that 
he  had  forgotten  his  sermon  ;  nowise  confused  at  the 
loss,  he  called  out  to  his  clerk:  "Jonas,  I  have  left 
my  sermon  at  home,  so  hand  us  up  that  Bible,  and  I'll 
read  them  a  chapter  in  Job  worth  ten  of  it." 

On  another  occasion,  one  of  Mr.  Alcock's  friends,  at 
whose  house  he  was  in  the  habit  of  calling  previously 
to  his  entering  the  church  on  Sundays,  once  took 
occasion  to  unstitch  his  sermon  and  misplace  the 
leaves.  At  the  church,  Mr.  Alcock,  when  he  had  read 
a  page,  discovered  the  joke.  "  Will,"  said  he,  "thou 
rascal  !  what's  thou  been  doing  with  my  sermon?" 
Then  turning  to  his  congregation  he  said,  "  Brethren, 
Will  Thornton's  been  misplacing  the  leaves  of  my 
sermon  ;  I  have  not  time  to  put  them  right  ;  I  shall 
read  on  as  I  find  it,  and  you  must  make  the  best  of  it 
that  you  can  "  ;  and  he  accordingly  read  through  the 
confused  mass,  to  the  utter  astonishment  of  his 
flock,      [ii] 

Defying  and  Abusing  the  Magistrates 

An  old  lady  was  recently  brought  as  a  witness 
before  a  bench  of  magistrates,  and  when  asked  to 
take  off  her  bonnet,  obstinately  refused  to  do  so,  say- 
\n^  :  "  There  is  no  law  compelling  a  woman  to  take 
ofT  her  bonnet." 

•  Oh,"  imprudently  replied  one  of  the  magistrates. 
"  you  know  the  law,  do  you?  Perhaps  you  would  like 
to  come  up  and  sit  here  and  teach  us  ?  " 

•' No.  I  thank  you.  sir,"  said  the  woman,  tartly; 
"  there  are  old  women  enough  there  now." 

r. 


162  jEitQliob  "Uait  anD  Ibumor 

A  Materialistic  Nobleman 

On  the  occasion  of  the  distribution  of  medals  to 
officers  and  men  who  had  served  in  the  Crimea,  Lord 
Malmesbur}'  tells  us  that  Mrs.  Norton,  talking  about 
it  to  Lord  Panmure,  asked  :  "  Was  the  Queen 
touched  ?  '' 

"  Bless  my  soul,  no  !  "  was  the  reply.  "  She  had  a 
brass  railing  before  her,  and  no  one  could  touch  her." 

Mrs.  Norton  then  said,  "  I  mean,  was  she  moved  ?  " 

"  Moved  !  "  answered  Lord  Panmure  ;  "  she  had  no 
occasion  to  move." 

Mrs.  Norton  then  gave  it  u})  in  despair.      [21] 

A  Procrastinating  Wit 

The  Rev.  Dr.  Howard,  clerical  wit.  was  chaplain  to 
Princess  Augusta,  Princess-dowager  of  Wales,  and 
mother  of  George  111.  He  was  also  rector  of  St. 
George's,  Southwark.  Delighting  much  in  the  good 
things  of  this  world,  he  so  far  indulged  his  hunger 
and  thirst  after  delicacies,  that  he  found  himself  much 
in  arrears  to  many  of  his  trading  i)arishioners.  For- 
tunately for  himself,  he  lived  within  the  rules  of  the 
King's  Bench,  which  shielded  him  from  the  rude 
intrusion  of  clamorous  creditors.  The  doctor,  how- 
ever, was  a  man  of  humor,  and  frequently  hit  upon 
expedients  to  keep  them  in  good  temper.  He  once 
l)reached  a  sermon  from  the  following  text  :  "  Have 
l)atience,  and  I  will  pay  you  all."  He  expatiated  at 
great  length  on  the  virtue  and  advantage  of  patience. 
"  And  now,  my  brethren,"  said  he,  "  I  am  come  to  the 
second  part  of  my  discourse,  which  is,  '  And  I  will  pay 
you  all  '  ;  but  that  I  shall  defer  to  a  future  oppor- 
tunity:'     [11] 


On  another  occasion,  when  collecting  a  brief  with 
the  parish  officers  t)f  St.  Cieorge's,  he  called  on  a 
grocer  with  whom  he  had  a  running  account.  As  he 
was  always  in  arrear  with  his  tradespeople,  the  rev- 
erend gentleman,  to  j^revent  being  first  asked  for  a 
settlement,  inquired   if   he  was   not  some  trifle  in   the 


lerxQlieb  "Uait  ant)  Ibumor  163 

grocer's  debt.  On  reference  to  the  ledger  there 
appeared  a  balance  of  seventeen  shillings  in  favor  of 
the  shopkeeper.  The  doctor  had  recourse  to  his 
pocket  and  pulled  out  some  halfpence,  a  little  silver 
and  a  guinea.  The  grocer,  eyeing  the  latter  with  a 
degree  of  surprise,  exclaimed  :  "  Good  heavens,  sir. 
you  have  a  slran^er  there  \  '^  "Indeed,  I  have,  Mr. 
Brown,"  replied  the  wit,  returning  the  guinea  into  his 
pocket,  "and  before  ue  pai't  we  shall  be  bettef 
acquainted.'''      [ii] 

Curious  Sermons  on  "  What  a  Good  Wife  Should 
Be" 

In  a  wedding  sermon  '-ntitled  "  The  Rib  Restoreti." 
delivered  in  St.  Dionis  Back  Church,  in  Fenchurcli 
Street,  in  1655,  by  Richard  Meggot,  afterwards  Dean 
of  Salisbury,  the  preacher,  speaking  of  a  good  wife, 
says  :  "A  help  she  must  be  in  her  family,  being  not 
only  a  wife,  but  a  house-wife  ;  not  a  field-wife,  like 
Dinah  ;  nor  a  street-wife  like  Thamar  ;  nor  a  window- 
wife,  like  Jezebel,  but  an  house-wife." 


Another  preacher  enumerated  the  qualifications  of 
a  good  wife  in  the  following  antithesis  of  "  To  be,  or 
not  to  be."  She  should  be  like  three  things,  and  yet 
she  should  not  be  like  those  three  things.  First,  she 
should  be  like  a  snail,  always  keep  within  her  own 
house  ;  but  she  should  not  be  like  a  snail  and  carry 
all  she  has  upon  her  back.  Secondly,  she  should  be 
like  an  echo,  to  speak  when  she  is  spoken  to  ;  but  she 
should  not  be  like  an  echo,  always  to  have  the  last 
word.  Thirdly,  she  should  be  like  a  town-clock, 
always  keep  time  and  regularity  ;  but  she  should  not 
be  like  a  town-clock  to  speak  so  loud  that  all  the  town 
may  hear  her.      [i  i] 

Every   Man  to  His  Calling 

On  a  trial  at  the  Admiralty  sessions  for  shooting  a 
seaman,  the  counsel  for  the  crown  asked  one  of  the 
witnesses   which   he  was  for,  plaintiff  or  defendant. 


164  j6nglisb  Mit  anO  f)umoc 

"  Plaintiff  or  defendant  ?"  says  the  sailor,  scratching 
his  head;  "why,  I  don't  know  what  you  mean  by 
'plaintiff  or  defendant.'  I  come  to  speak  for  that 
man  there  ! '' 

"  You  are  a  pretty  fellow  for  a  witness,"  says  the 
counsel,  "not  to  know  what  plaintiff  or  defendant' 
means." 

Some  time  after,  being  asked  by  the  same  counsel 
what  part  of  the  ship  he  was  in  at  the  time — "  Abaft 
the  binnacle!"  said  the  sailor.  "Abaft  the  bin- 
nacle !  "  replied  the  barrister,  "  what  part  of  the  ship 
is  that?" 

"Ha!  ha!  ha!"  chuckled  the  sailor  ;  "  an't  you  a 
pretty  fellow  for  a  counselor,"  pointing  archly  at  him 
with  his  finger,  "  not  to  know  what  '  abaft  the  bin- 
nacle '  is  !  " 

Solomon's  System  of  Self-Defence 

"  Do  you  think  it  would  be  wrong  of  me  to  learn 
the  'Noble  Art  of  Self-defence?'"  a  religiously- 
inclined  youth  inquired  of  his  pastor. 

"  Certainly  not,"  answered  the  minister.  "  I 
learned  it  in  youth  myself,  and  I  have  found  it  of 
great  value  during  my  life." 

"  Indeed,  sir  !  Did  you  learn  the  old  English  system 
or  Sullivan's  system  ?  " 

*'  Neither.  I  learned  Solomon's  system,"  replied 
the  minister. 

"  Solomon's  system?" 

"  Yes.  You  will  find  it  laid  down  in  the  first  verse 
of  the  fifteenth  chapter  of  Proverbs  :  '  A  soft  answer 
turneth  away  wrath.'  It  is  the  best  system  of  self- 
defence  of  which  I  have  any  knowledge." 

Playing  the  Wrong  Organ 
The  organ-blower  in  a  I.otidon  church  one  day  feM 
asleep  during  service,  of  which  fact  the  audience  soon 
became  conscious  by  the  vigorous  blowing  of  his  owe 
organ.  The  preacher,  after  bearing  it  for  a  while, 
stopped  and  remarked  : 

"  I  do  not  object  to  a  quiet  nap  on  a  hot  day,  and 
am  flattered  at  being  able  to  contribute  to  anybody's 


jEwQiieb  TUfltt  anD  Ibumor  165 

repose.  But,  while  proud  at  being  able  to  give  the 
beloved  sleep,  I  wish  it  to  be  distinctly  understood 
that  I  draw  the  line  at  snores.  There  is  a  man  snor- 
ing in  the  congregation,  and  I  shall  be  obliged  if  some 
one  will  awaken  him." 

The  offender  was  quickly  aroused. 

Fearful  of  Contagion 

One  day  when  Bishop  Thomas  was  still  curate  of 
one  of  the  churches  in  Thames  Street,  he  was  burying 
a  corpse,  and  a  woman  came  and  pulled  him  by  the 
sleeve,  in  the  midst  of  the  service.  "  Sir,  sir,  I  want 
to  speak  to  you."  "  Pr'ythee,"  said  he,  "woman, 
wait  till  I  have  done."  "  No,  sir,  I  must  speak  to  you 
immediately."  "  Why,  then,  what  is  the  matter?" 
••  Why,  sir,"  says  she,  "  you  are  burying  a  man  who 
died  of  the  small-pox  next  my  poor  husband  who 
never  had  it."  This  anecdote  was  related  by  Dr. 
Thomas  himself,      [ii] 

His  Birthday  Party 

Boy  :   "  Ain't  it  time  to  eat  the  good  things?  " 
Jfother :  "Certainly    not.     You    must    wait    until 
your  friends  come." 

Boy:  "I  guess  they  won't  come,  'cause  I  didn't 
invite  them.  I  thought  I'd  rather  have  it  entirely- 
exclusive." 

Offering  a  Premium  on  Theft 

A  clergyman  in  the  West,  who  had  unfortunately 
quarreled  with  his  parishioners,  had  the  misfortune  to 
have  some  linen  stolen  from  the  lines  on  which  it  hung 
to  dry,  and  he  posted  hand-bills  for  the  discovery  of 
the  offender.  Next  morning,  the  following  was 
written  at  the  foot  of  the  copy  posted  against  the 
church  door  : 

"  Some  thief  has  stolen  the  parson's  shirts, 
To  skin  naught  could  be  nearer  ; 
The  parish  '11  give  five  hundred  pounds 
To  him  that  steals  the  wearer."      [i  i] 


166  jEnalisb  liUit  anD  Ibumor 

Palmerston's  Humor  in  His  Last  Illness 

Lord  Palmerston's  good  humor,  as  a  distinct  el«»- 
ment  of  his  character  is  well  known.  We  find  it  even 
during  his  last  illness,  when  his  physician  was  forced 
to  mention  death.  "Die,  my  dear  doctor'."  he 
exclaimed,  "that's  the  last  thing  I  shall  do." 

Hood's  Humor  in  His  Last  Illness 

In  Hood's  last  illness,  when  he  was  wasted  to  a 
shadow,  a  mustard  poultice  was  to  be  applied  to  liis 
chest.  "  Ah.  doctor,"  said  the  poor  patient,  smiling 
faintly,  "  it  is  a  great  deal  of  mustard  to  so  little  meat." 

Dr.  Donne  "  Undone,"  but  not  •♦  Done  Up  " 

Dr.  Donne,  the  celebrated  Dean  of  St.  Paul's,  whose 
curious  monument  is  still  preserved  in  the  crypt, 
having  married  Sir  George  More's  daughter  without 
the  consent  of  her  parents,  was  imprisoned  in  the 
Fleet  Prison,  and  otherwise  treated  with  severity. 
Donne,  however,  WTote  a  very  eloquent  and  submis- 
sive letter  to  the  offended  father-in-law,  which  was 
signed;  "John  Donne,  Ann  DouDa,  undone/'  This 
quibble  is  said  to  have  been  the  means  of  restoring 
the  distressed  couple  to  the  i)arental  favor,      "^ii] 

Education 

In  talking  of  the  education  of  children,  I  disked 
Johnson  what  he  thought  was  best  to  teach  them  first. 
Johnson  replied  :  "  Sir,  it  is  no  matter  what  you 
teach  them  first,  any  more  than  what  leg  you  shall 
put  into  your  breeches  first,  but  in  the  meantime  your 
breech  is  bare.  Sir,  while  j'ou  are  considering  which 
of  two  things  you  should  teach  your  child  first, 
another  boy  has  learnt  them  both."      [22] 

An  Insignificant  M.  P. 

A  couple  of  visitors  from  a  rural  district  were  in  the 
Strangers'  Gallery,  in  the  House  of  Commons,  trying 
to  pick  out  members  on  the  floor. 


JEnQlisb  mit  aiiD  IDunior  167 

**  I  can't  distinguish  him,"  said  one  after  a  hopeless 
visual  observati(jii. 

"  Of  course  not,"  was  tlie  honest  reply  ;  '•  he  can't 
even  distinguish  himself." 

A  Church  Living  in  the  Nineteenth  Century 

In  1S32  the  vicarage  of  Wyburn  or  Winsburn.  in 
Cumberland,  was  of  the  following  tempting  value  : 
Fifty  shillings  per  annum,  a  new  surplice,  a  pair  cf 
clogs,  and  feed  on  the  common  for  one  goose.  This 
favored  church  preferment  was  then  in  the  midst  of  a 
wild  country'  inhabited  by  shepherds.  The  clerk 
kept  a  pot  house  opposite  the  church.  The  service 
was  once  a  fortnight,  and  when  there  was  no  congre- 
gation, the  vicar  and  Moses  used  to  regale  them- 
selves at  the  bar.      [ii] 

A  Study  in  Natural  History 
Pro/esso7'  {leciuring  npun  the  rhinoceros)  :  *'  I 
must  beg  you  to  give  me  your  undivided  attention. 
It  is  absolutely  impossible  that  you  can  form  a  true 
idea  of  this  hideous  animal  unless  you  keep  your  eyes 
fixed  on  w^"." 

"Dealing"  and  "Leading" 

Sir  Frederick  Thesiger  (afterwards  Lord  Chelms- 
ford) once  had  occasion  to  object  to  the  irregularity 
of  a  learned  sergeant,  who,  in  examining  his  witnesses, 
repeatedly  put  leading  questions. 

"  I  have  a  right,"  maintained  the  sergeant,  doggedly, 
"  to  deal  with  my  witnesses  as  I  please." 

"  To  that  I  ofTer  no  objection,"  retorted  Sir  Freder- 
ick ;  "  you  may  deal3.s  you  like,  but  you  shan't  lead^ 

Curious  Misconceptions  at  a  Funeral 
A  ludicrous  mistake  happened  some  time  ago  at  a 
funeral.  The  clergyman  was  reading  the  service, 
until  he  came  to  that  part  which  says,  "  our  deceased 
brother  or  sister, ^^  without  knowing  whether  the 
deceased  was  a  male  or  a  female.  He  turned  round 
to  one  of  the  mourners,  and  asked  whether  it  was  a 
brother  or  a  sister.  The  man  very  innocently  replied, 
"  No  relation  at  all,  sir;   only  an  acquaintance."    [ii] 


168  :6nsU6b  TKIlit  anD  tbumor 

Henry  Russell's  Singing 

An  iiUeresliuii:  account  of  the  author  of  "  Cheer, 
Boys,  Cheer,"  has  recentl\-  appeared  in  the  H^orld, 
from  which  we  make  the  following  extract : 

"  On  one  occasion  I  was  invited  to  Hanley  to  give 
a  benefit  entertainment  for  the  Staffordshire  potters, 
who  were  in  much  distress.  After  I  had  sung  my 
song,  '  There's  a  Good  Time  Coming,  Boys  ;  Wait  a 
Little  Longer,'  a  man  in  the  crowd  rose  excitedly  and 
shouted  :   '  Muster  Russell,  can  ye  fix  the  toime  ?  ' 

"Another  artisan  in  the  reserved  seats  stood  up 
and  quietly  said  :  '  Shut  oop,  man  ;  Muster  Russell  '11 
write  to  ye  ! ' 

"  At  Newcastle-on-Tyne  I  gave  the  '  Gambler's 
Wife.'  I  may  tell  you  that  the  wife  is  awaiting  the 
gambler's  return.  The  clock  strikes  one,  the  clock 
strikes  two,  and  then  the  clock  strikes  three.  As  the 
clock  strikes  four,  the  young  wife,  clasping  her  child 
to  her  bosom,  dies  in  hopeless  despair.  A  woman 
stood  up  in  the  audience  and  emphatically  declaimed 
in  a  shrill  shriek  :  '  Oh,  Mr.  Russell,  if  it  had  been 
me,  wouldn't  I  have  fetched  him  home  !  '  " 

In  earlier  days,  as  Henry  Russell  was  singing, 
"Woodman,  Spare  that  Tree,"  an  old  gentleman 
cried  :   "  Mr.  Russell,  was  the  tree  saved?  " 

"  It  was,  sir." 

"  Thank  God  for  that !  "  he  answered.  Avith  a  sigh 
of  relief. 

The  realistic  character  of  Mr.  Russell's  songs,  and 
the  impression  of  actuality  which  they  gave  to  the 
minds  of  the  people,  is  shown  in  another  anecdote  : 

On  the  "  Newfoundland  Dog"  being  sung,  a  piece 
which  described  the  dog  saving  a  child's  life,  a  North 
countryman  exclaimed  :  "  Was  the  child  saved,  man  ?" 

"  It  was,  sir." 

With  the  anxious  look  of  one  asking  a  great  favor, 
the  man  pleaded  :   "  Could  ye  get  me  a  peep?" 

At  Home  Everywhere  but  at  Home 

"Ah,  old  fellow,"  said  a  gentleman,  meeting 
another  in   the  street,  'so  you   are  married  at  last? 


Bnglidb  TOit  anD  "fcumor  169 

Allow  me  to  congratulate  you,  for  I  hear  you  have  an 
excellent  and  accomplished  wife." 

"I  have,  indeed,"  was  the  reply.  "She  is  so! 
Accomplished  !  Why,  sir,  she  is  perfectly  at  home  in 
literature,  at  home  in  music,  at  home  in  art,  at  home 
in  science — in  short,  at  home  everywhere  except " 

"  Except  what?  " 

"  Except  at  home." 

A  Cock  that  Couldn't  Crow 
On  one  occasion  when  G.  F.  Cooke,  the  famous 
actor,  was  playing  his  celebrated  character  of  Richard 
the  Third,  the  person  enacting  RatclifT  was  very 
imperfect  in  his  part.  Coming  on  the  stage,  in  the 
fifth  act  of  the  play,  in  which  King  Richard,  just  as  he 
concludes  his  well-known  soliloquy  in  the  tent-scene, 
inquires  "Who's  there?"  the  personator  of  Ratcliflf, 
on  the  occason  in  question,  got  as  far  in  his  speech  in 
reply  as  "'Tis  I— the  early  village  cock  "—and  he 
could  proceed  no  further.  After  a  short  pause,  Cooke, 
with  a  humorous  twinkle  of  his  eye,  said,  "Why  the 
deuce  don't  you  crow,  then  ?  " 

Scholastic  Wit 

Dr.  John  Jegon,  of  Bennett's  College,  Cambridge, 
afterwards  Bishop  of  Norwich,  was  a  most  serious 
man  and  a  grave  governor ;  yet  withal  of  a  most 
facetious  disposition.  The  following  is  an  instance  : 
While  master  of  the  college,  he  chanced  to  punish  all 
the  undergraduates  for  some  general  offence,  and  the 
penalty  was  put  on  their  heads  in  the  buttery.  He 
disdained,  however,  to  apply  the  money  to  his  own 
use,  and  it  was  expended  in  white-washing  the  hall  of 
the  college  ;  whereupon  a  scholar  hung  up  these  lines 
on  the  screen  : 

"  Doctor  Jegon,  Bennett's  College  master  ; 
Broke  the  scholars'  heads,  and  gave  the  walls  a 
plaster." 

The  doctor,  whose  ready  wit  was  not  the  least 
impaired  by  age,  on  reading  the  paper,  wrote  under 
it  in  pencil  the  following  extempore  : 


170  Bnslieb  liUit  anO  Ibumor 

*'  Knew  I  the  wag  that  writ  these  lines  in  bravery, 
I'd  commend  him  for  his  wit,  but  whip  him  for 
knavery."      [ii] 

Local  Sympathy 

A  melting  Good  Friday  sermon  being  preached  in 
a  country  church,  all  wept  except  one  man,  who  being 
asked  why  he  did  not  weep  as  well  as  the  rest  ?  "  Oh  !  " 
replied  he,  "  I  belong  to  another  parish."      [iij 

Ante-Reformation  Days 

The  term  "  Protestantism  "  reminds  us  of  the  prompt 
answer  which  was  given  by  Wilks,  who,  being  asked 
by  a  Romanist,  "  Where  was  your  church  before 
Luther?"  replied,  "Where  was  your  face  before  >  ou 
washed  it  this  morning?  "       [ii] 

A  Good  Judge  of  Sermons 

The  late  Bishop  Blomfield  used  to  tell  a  story  of  iiis 
having  once,  late  in  life,  preached  at  the  University 
Church  at  Cambridge,  and  of  having  seen  a  verger 
there  whom  he  remembered  when  he  was  himself  an 
undergraduate.  The  bishop  told  the  verger  he  was 
glad  to  see  him  looking  so  well  at  such  a  great  age. 
"  Oh,  yes,  my  lord,"  said  the  man,  "  I  have  much  to 
be  grateful  for.  I  have  heard  every  sermon  that  has 
been  preached  in  this  church  for  fifty  years,  and, 
thank  God,  I  am  a  Christian  still.  '    [ii] 

The  Ship  Chaplain's  Sermon  on  Heaven 
In  a  storm  at  sea  the  chaplain  asked  one  of  the  crew 
if  he  thought  there  was  any  danger.  "  Why,"  replied 
the  sailor,  "  if  this  continues,  we  shall  all  be  in  heaven 
before  to-morrow  morning."  The  chaplain,  horrified 
at  these  words,  cried  out,  "  The  Lord  forbid  !  "    [ii] 

"  The  Tongue  can  No  Man  Tame  " 
Once  at  a  meeting  of  ministers  a  question  was 
started  to  be  debated  among  them.  Upon  the  first 
proposal  of  it,  a  confident  young  divine  said  : 
"Truly,  I  hold  it  so."  "You  hold,  sir?"  replied  the 
Rev.  Philip  Henry  ;  "  it  becomes  you  to  hold  your 
tongue."     [ii] 


ien0Ueb  lUit  anD  Ibumor  171 

The  Quickest  Courtship  and  Marriage  on  Record 

Jeremy  White,  one  of  Oliver  Cromwell's  domestic 
chaplains,  paid  his  addresses  to  Lady  Frances,  the 
Protectors  youngest  daughter.  Oliver  was  told  of  it 
by  a  spy,  who  followed  the  intrigue  so  closely  that  he 
tracked  Jerry  to  the  lady's  chamber,  and  ran  imme- 
diately to  the  Protector  with  this  news.  Oliver,  in  a 
rage,  liastened  thither  himself,  and  entering  une.xpect- 
edly.  found  the  chaplain  on  his  knees  kissing  the 
lady's  hand.  In  a  towering  passion  he  asked  him 
what  was  the  meaning  of  his  being  in  that  posture 
before  his  daughter  ? 

White  replied,  "  May  it  please  your  highness,  I  have 
a  long  time  courted  that  young  gentlewoman  there, 
ni)-  iady's  woman,  and  I  cannot  prevail.  I  was, 
therefore,  humbly  praying  her  ladyship  to  intercede 
for  me/' 

The  Protector,  turning  to  the  young  woman,  ex- 
claimed :  "  What's  the  meaning  of  this,  hussey  ?  Why 
do  you  refuse  the  honor  Mr.  White  would  do  you  ? 
He  is  my  good  friend,  and  I  e.xpect  you  to  treat  him 
as  such." 

My  lady's  woman,  who  desired  nothing  more,  with 
a  very  low  courtsy,  replied  :  "If  Mr.  White  intends 
me  that  honor,  I  shall  not  be  against  him." 

"Say  you  so,  my  lass?"  exclaimed  Cromwell. 
"  Call  Godwyn  !  This  business  shall  be  done  presently 
—before  I  go  out  of  the  room." 

White  had  gone  too  far  to  retreat.  The  parson 
came,  and  Jerry  and  my  lady's  woman  were  made 
one  flesh  in  the  presence  of  the  Protector,      [ii] 

Johnson  and  Mr.  Crawford— An  Extinguisher 

Mr.  Crawford  being  engaged  to  dinner  where  Dr. 
Johnson  was  to  be,  resolved  to  pay  his  court  to  him  ; 
and  having  heard  that  he  preferred  Donne's  Satires 
to  Pope's  version  of  them,  said,  "  Do  you  know.  Dr. 
Johnson,  that  I  like  Dr.  Donne's  original  Satires 
better  than  Pope's?"  Johnson  said.  "Well,  sir,  I 
can't  help  that."      [24] 


172  En^lisb  "QCllt  an^  fbumor 

Hats  Blocked  while  You  "  Wait  "  ! 

A  thief  went  into  the  hall  of  a  Brighton  hotel  and 
gathered  up  all  the  hats.  He  was  making  his  way 
out,  when  a  visitor  came  in  and  asked  him  what  he 
was  about.  "  Oh,"  says  the  thief,  "I'm  taking  the 
gentlemen's  hats  round  the  corner  to  get  them 
blocked."'  ''Well,"  replied  the  visitor,  "take  my 
hat,  too.''  "  Certainly,  sir,"  said  the  accommodating 
thief,  and  vanished. 

Twelve  Pennyworths  for  One  Shilling 
In  days  of  yore  there  lived  in  Chester  an  old  trades- 
man who  kept,  a  drapery  shop,  and  was  remarkable 
for  his  imperturbable  disposition,  so  much  so  that  no 
one  had  ever  seen  him  out  of  temper.  This  remark- 
able characteristic  having  become  the  subject  of  con- 
versation, one  of  his  neighbors,  who  was  somewhat 
of  a  wag,  bet  five  pounds  that  he  could  succeed 
in  ruffling  the  habitual  placidity  of  the  stoic.  He 
accordingly  proceeded  to  his  shop,  and  asked 
to  see  some  cloths  suitable  for  a  coat.  One 
piece  was  shown  to  him,  and  then  another  ;  and  a 
third  and  a  fourth  were  handed  from  the  shelves  ; 
this  was  too  coarse,  the  other  too  fine  ;  one  was  too 
dark  a  color,  another  too  light.  Still  the  old  dra]ier 
continued  placid  as  new  milk  ;  and  no  sooner  did  his 
customer  start  an  objection  to  any  particular  jiiece 
than  he  was  met  by  some  other  variety  beins:,  laid 
before  him,  until  the  very  last  piece  in  the  shoj)  was 
unfolded  to  his  view.  The  vendor  now  lost  all  hoj^e 
of  pleasing  his  fastidious  purchaser,  when  the  latter, 
affecting  to  look  at  the  uppermost  piece  with  satis- 
faction, exclaimed,  "Ah,  my  dear  sir,  you  have  hit  it 
at  last  ;  this  is  the  very  thing  ;  I  will  take  a  shi/tifii^'s 
worth  of  this  pattern,"  at  the  same  time  laying  the 
money  plump  on  the  counter  before  him  to  show  that 
he  was  a  prompt  payer.  "  You  shall  have  it,  my 
good  friend,"  replied  the  draper,  with  the  utmost 
seriousness  of  speech  and  manners  ;  and  then,  laying 
the  shilling  on  the  surface  of  the  cloth,  and  applying 
his  ami)le  scissors,  he  cut  it  fairly  round  to  the  size  of 


JEnglieb  tClit  and  Dumot  173 

the  money,  and,  wrapping  it  carefully-  in  a  piece  of 
paper,  made  a  low  bow,  thanked  him  for  his  custom, 
and  hoped  he  would  c;ill  at  his  shop  when  he  wanted 
anything  in  his  line  again. 

A  Good  "Judge  " — in    More  Senses  than  One 

Mr.  Justice  Mathew,  of  the  Queen's  Bench  Divisii^n, 
does  not  give  one  an  impression  at  first  sight  of  being 
either  a  shrewd  Londoner  or  a  stern  dispenser  of 
the  law  of  the  land  ;  one  might  take  him  to  be  per- 
haps a  benevolent  and  simple  country  squire.  At 
any  rate,  some  such  impression  evidently  prevailed 
in  the  mind  of  a  professional  seller  of  painted  spar- 
rows who  came  up  to  Sir  James  one  day  in  the  neigh- 
borhood ot  the  Strand,  and  showing  him  one  of  his 
birds,  asked  the  learned  judge's  opinion  as  to  \v+iat 
species  it  might  belong  to.  Sir  James  stopped,  care- 
fully examined  the  gaudy  little  creature,  and  then 
rei)lied  that  he  had  not  seen  a  bird  exactly  like  that 
one  before,  but,  judging  from  the  old  proverb  that 
"  birds  of  a  feather  fiock  together,"  he  should  say 
that  it  was  a  gaol-bird.  The  vendor  waited  for  no 
further  particulars,  but  instantly  shuffled  away. 

The  Prevailing  Sense  of  the  House 

One  night  during  a  heated  discussion  in  the  House 
of  Commons  in  which  Home  Tooke  bore  the  princi- 
pal part,  his  chief  antagonist  said  :  "  I'll  take  the- 
sense  of  the  House."  "And  I'll  take  the  nonsense, 
and  I'll  beat  you,"  retorted  Tooke. 

Dr.  Jenner  a  "  Respectable  Practitioner  " 

The  late  Sir  William  Gull's  butler  was  a  great 
character — a  small,  dark  man,  always  white-chokered 
and  dressed  in  black,  with  a  calm,  solemn  manner. 
His  income  from  tips  must  have  been  large,  as 
the  waiting-room  was  always  crammed  and  the 
order  of  audience  was  settled  by  him.  One  day, 
summoned  to  the  street  door  by  a  more  than  ordinary 
fierce  knock,  he  found  an  excited  individual  just 
alighted    from    a    cab.        "Sir    William     Gull     in?" 


174  :i£ngli5b  "Mix  anD  Idumoc 

"  Yes,  sir."  "  I  want  to  see  him."  "Have  you  an 
appointment,  sir ?  "  "Appointment?  No,  I'm  very 
ill.  I  want  to  see  Sir  William."  "  Impossible,  sir, 
without  an  appointment."  Naughty  word  emitted 
l)y  visitor  ;  then — "When  can  I  see  him  ?  "  "  Well, 
sir" — after  consulting  paper — "  at  eleven  on  Tuesday 
ne.xt."  "  Tuesday  next  be  hanged  !  I'm  very  ill  !  I 
tL-11  5'ou  I  must  see  some  one  !  Do  you  know  any  one 
near  who  could  see  me?"  Servant,  after  cogitation, 
•  Well,  sir,  there's  a  gentleman  over  the  way — a  very 
respectable  practitioner  named  Jenner — he  might  be 
able  to  see  you." 

Why  the  Bailiffs  Went  Away  Without  Their 
Prisoner 

A  ludicrous  incident  occurred  when  Carter,  the  lion 
king,  as  he  was  called,  was  exhibiting  with  Ducrow' 
at  Astley's.  A  manager  with  whom  Carter  had  made 
and  broken  an  engagement  issued  a  writ  against  him. 
The  bailiffs  came  up  to  the  stage-door  and  asked  for 
Carter.  "  Show  the  gentlemen  up,"  said  Ducrow. 
And  when  they  reached  the  stage  there  sat  Carter 
composedly  in  the  great  cage,  with  an  enormous  lion 
on  each  side  of  him.  "There's  Mr.  Carter  waitinj^ 
for  you,  gentlemen,"  said  Ducrow.  "Go  in  and  take 
him.  Carter,  my  boy,  open  the  door."  Carter  pro- 
ceeded to  obey,  at  the  same  time  eliciting  by  a  private 
signal  a  tremendous  roar  from  his  companions.  The 
bailiffs  staggered  back  in  terror,  rolled  over  each 
other  as  they  rushed  downstairs — and  nearly  fainted 
before  they  reached  the  street. 

"  Sermons  in  Stone  " 

A  gentleman,  passing  a  country  church  while  under 
repair,  observed  to  one  of  the  workmen  that  he 
thought  it  would  be  an  expensive  job.  "  Why,  yes," 
replied  he  ;  "  but  in  my  opinion  we  shall  accomplish 
what  our  parson  has  endeavored  to  do  for  the  last 
thirty  years  in  vain."  "What  is  that?"  said  the 
gentleman.  "  Why,  bring  all  the  parish  to  repent- 
ance." 


Bnglisb  Xllit  anCt  Ibumor  175 

Elderly  Men  Not  Always  Wise 
An  old  gentleman  without  tact,  on  meeting  some 
ladies  whom  he  had  known  as  girls  in  his  boyhood, 
cordially  remarked  :  •*  Bless  me  !  How  time  flies  ! 
Let  me  see,  its  thirty-two  years  come  next  April  since 
we  used  to  go  to  schoul  together.  I  was  a  little  chap 
then,  .vou  remember,  and  you  were  fine  young 
women."  The  old  man  could  never  understand  wh\- 
his  cordial  greeting  was  received  so  coldly. 

Johnson  and  a  Clergyman's  Ignorance 
A  certain  young  clergyman  used  to  come  about  Dr. 
Johnson.  The  doctor  said  it  vexed  him  to  be  in  hi- 
company,  his  ignorance  was  so  hopeless.  "  Sir,"  said 
Mr.  Langton,  "  his  coming  about  you  shows  he- 
wishes  to  help  his  ignorance."  "  Sir,"  said  the  doctor, 
"  his  ignorance  is  so  great  I  am  afraid  to  show  him 
the  bottom  of  it."      [22] 

Consolation  for  an  Injured  Man 
One  writer  I  can  recall,  but  will  not  name,  to  whom 
Douglas  Jerrold  had  given  almost  his  first  appearance 
3n  print,  w^as  among  the  most  persevering  and 
unscrupulous  of  his  enemies  afterwards.  Some 
friends — as  friends  will — mentioned  the  ingratitude. 
"  Never  mind,"  Douglas  Jerrold  retorted,  •'  the  boy  is 
sick  to  windward.     It'll  all  fly  back  in  his  face."   [25] 

Pinning  Him  to  the  Literal  Meaning 

A  young  clergyman  and  an  elderly  parishioner  one 
day  walking  home  from  church,  the  elderly  man 
slipped  on  the  muddy  path  and  fell. 

"Ah/  said  the  clergyman,  "  sinners  stand  on  slip- 
pery places,"  reaching  out  his  hand   to  help  him  up. 

"So  I  see,"  said  his  jiarishioner,  "and  3-ou  cer- 
tainly keep  your  footing   well." 

Johnson's  Confession  of  Ignorance 

A  lady  once  asked  J(jhnson  how  he  came  to  derint 
Pastern  the  knee  of  a  horse,  instead  of  making  an 
elaborate  defence,  as  she  expected,  he  at  once 
answered,  "  Ignorance,  madam,  pure  ignorance."  [22] 


17G  JEngltsb  TKUtt  anD  Ibumor 

The  Judge  and  the  Cabman 

A  cabman  brought  Mr.  Justice  X to  the  judges' 

entrance  to  the  courts  in  Carey  Street  the  other  morn- 
ing. Holding  out  in  the  vast  solitude  of  his  palm  the 
coin  given  him,  he  asked  indignantly,  "  What  do  yer 
call  this?-'  His  lordship  gave  no  heed  to  the  ques- 
tion, but  passed  through  the  doorway.  "Well,  I'm 
blowed."  exclaimed  cabby,  "  and  I  helj)  to  pay  that 
man  fi\  c  thousand  quid  a  year  !  " 

Thinking  "  Nothing  of  It  " 
On  one  occasion,  when  Dr.  Longsdale,  Bishop  of 
Lichfield,  had  spoken  on  the  importance  of  diligent, 
painstaking  preparation  for  the  pulpit,  a  verbose 
young  clergyman  said  :  "  Why,  my  lord,  I  often  go 
to  the  vestry  even  without  what  text  I  shall  preach 
upon,  yet  I  go  uj)  and  preach  an  extempore  sermon, 
and  think  nothing  of  it."  The  bishoj)  replied,  "Ah, 
well  !  that  agrees  with  what  I  hear  from  your  people  ; 
for  thev  hear  the  sermon,  and  they  also  think  nothing 

of    it."'     [II] 

Johnson  and  His  Fair  Flatterer 
It  was  near  the  close  of  Johnson's  life  that  two 
young  ladies,  who  were  warm  admirers  of  his  works 
but  had  never  seen  himself,  went  to  Bolt  Court,  and, 
asking  if  he  was  at  home,  were  shown  upstairs  where 
he  was  writing.  He  laid  down  his  pen  on  their 
entrance,  and,  as  they  stood  before  him,  one  of  the 
females  repeated  a  speech  of  some  length,  previously 
l)repared  for  the  occasion.  It  was  an  enthusiastic 
effusion,  to  which,  when  the  speaker  had  finished,  she 
panted  for  her  idol's  reply.  What  was  her  morti- 
fication when  all  he  said  was  "  Fiddle-de-dee,  my 
dear."      [24] 

A  Witty  Description  of  a  Wedding 
A  gentleman  who   had   been  very  unhappy  in  mar- 
riage married  again  immediately  after  his  wife  died. 
Johnson    said,    "  It    was   the    triumph   of    hope   over 
experience."      [22] 


iBnQlisb  Mit  anD  Dumoc  177 

Politeness  in  Prayer 
In  a  country  parish  the  wife  of  the  lord  of  tin- 
manor  came  to  the  church,  after  her  confinement,  to 
return  thanks.  The  parson,  aiming  to  be  courtly,  and 
thinking  plain  "  woman  "  too  vulgar,  instead  of  say- 
ing, "  O  Lord  !  save  this  woman,"  said,  "  O  Lord  ! 
save  this  lady  I  "  The  clerk,  resolving  not  to  l>e 
behindhand  with  him  in  politeness,  answered,  "  who 
putteth  her  ladyship's  trust  in  Thee."      [ii] 

Counting  the  Cost 

For  a  wary  and  thrifty  business  man,  commend  us 
to  a  commercial  traveler  who  the  other  day  received 
from  a  wealthy  acquaintance  in  another  city  a  pro- 
posal to  marry  his  daughter.  The  lettei  added  :  "Be 
sure  to  come  ;  my  daughter  is  an  acknowledged 
beauty,  and  is  sure  to  please  you."  The  commercial 
traveler  wrote  back  that  he  was  willing  to  come,  but 
cautiously  inquired  :  "  Suppose,  however,  she  does 
not  please  me  ;  will  you  ])ay  my  traveling  expenses 
home  again  ?  " 

Obeying  Orders 

The  officer  on  duty  for  the  week  gives  instructions 
to  his  orderly,  whose  business  it  is  to  wait  at  table  : 
"  Before  removing  the  soup-plates  always  ask  each 
person  if  he  would  like  any  more"  "Very  good, 
sir."  Next  day  the  orderly  respectfully  bowing  to 
one  of  the  guests,  inquires  :  •'Would  the  gentleman 
like  some  more  soup?"  "Yes,  please."  '-There 
isn't  any  left." 

True  Enough,  and  Enough,  Thourrh  True 

The  following  epigram  was  made  when  Dr.  Good- 
enough,  Bishop  of  Carlisle,  was  one  day  apjiointed  to 
preach  before  the  House  of  Peers  : 

"   Tis  well  enough  that  Goodenough 
Before  the  lords  should  preach 
For  sure  enough  they're  bad  enough 
He  undertakes  to  teach." 
12 


178  JEnglisb  "Uait  an&  Ibumor 

When  the  above  prelate  was  made  a  bishop,  a  cer- 
tain dignitary  whom  the  public  had  expected  to  get 
the  appointment,  being  asked  by  a  friend  how  he 
came  not  to  be  tlie  new  bishop,  replied  :  "  Because  I 
was  not  Good  enough  /  "      [ii] 

Marriage — A  Revenge 
Mrs.  Sternwife  :  "  Yes,  indeed,  Miss  Firstsumi'er, 
I  know  how  exasperating  it  is  to  have  one's  affectiv^-ns 
trifled  with.     A   young  man  attempted  to  trifle  \v:th 
my  heart,  but  I  tell  3'ou  I  got  even  with  him." 

Miss  First  summer :  "  You  jilted  him  when  he  finally 
proposed.  I  presume?" 

yfrs.  Sternzt'i/e :   "  No,  I  married  him." 

Transposition  ! 

"  My  dear,"  said  a  gentleman  to  his  wife  "  our 
club  is  going  to  have  all  the  home  comforts." 

"  Indeed."  replied  she,  "  and  when  is  our  home 
going  to  have  all  the  club  comforts  ?  " 

Johnson's  Letter  to  the  Earl  of   Chesterfield 

"  Seven  years,  my  lord,  have  now  passed  since  I 
waited  in  your  outward  rooms  or  was  repulsed  from 
your  door  ;  during  which  time  I  have  been  pushing  on 
my  work  through  difficulties  of  which  it  is  useless  to 
complain,  and  have  brought  it  at  last  to  the  verge  of 
publication  without  one  act  of  assistance,  one  word  of 
encouragement,  or  one  smile  of  favor.  Such  treat- 
ment I  did  not  expect  for  I  never  had  a  patron 
before. 

''  Is  not  a  patron,  my  lord,  one  who  looks  with 
unconcern  on  a  man  struggling  for  life  in  the  water, 
and,  when  he  has  reached  ground,  encumbers  him 
with  help  ?  The  notice  which  you  have  been  pleased 
to  take  of  my  labors,  had  it  been  early,  had  been 
kind  ;  but  it  has  been  delayed  till  I  am  indifferent  awd 
cannot  enjoy  it ;  till  I  am  solitary  and  cannot  impart 
it ;  till  I  am  known  and  do  not  want  it.  I  hope  it  is 
no  very    cynical  asperity   not   to   confess  obligations 


JEnglisb  Gmit  anD  Ibumoc  ire 

where  no  benefit  has  been  received,  or  to  be  unwilling 
that  the  public  should  consider  me  as  owing  that  to  a 
patron  which  Providence  has  enabled  me  to  do  for 
myst-if."'      [22] 

Johnson  and  "  Fools  " 
•Mrs.  Knozvles :  'I  hope,  doctor,  thou  wilt  not 
remain  unforgiving ;  and  that  you  will  renew  your 
friendship,  and  joyfully  meet  at  last  in  those  bright 
regions  where  pride  and  prejudice  can  never  enter. 
Dr.  Johnson:  'Meet  her!'*  I  never  desire  to  meet 
fools  anywhere  !  '  "      [22] 

Meat  or  Bones  ? 

The  Rev.  John  Newton  one  day  heard  a  minister 
preach  who  affected  great  accuracy  in  his  discourses, 
and  who  had  occupied  nearly  an  hour  on  several 
labored  and  nice  distinctions.  Having  a  high  esteem 
for  Mr.  Newton's  judgment,  he  inquired  of  him 
whether  he  thought  these  distinctions  were  full  and 
judicious  ? 

-Mr.  Newton  said  he  thought  them  not  very  full,  as 
a  very  important  one  had  been  omitted. 

'•What  can  that  be?"  inquired  the  minister,  "  for 
I  have  taken  more  than  ordinary  care  to  enumerate 
them  fully." 

••  I  think  not,"  replied  Mr.  Newton,  "  for  when 
many  of  your  congregation  have  traveled  several 
miles  for  a  meal,  I  think  you  should  not  have  for- 
gotten the  important  distinction  which  must  ever 
exist  between  meat  and  bones."      [11] 

A  Prayer  Which  Could  not  be  Answered 
The  Rev.  Robert  Hall  had  a  very  large  mouth.  He 
was  as  well  aware  of  this  as  any  one  else,  and  one 
morning  at  a  breakfast  party  at  Bristol,  on  the  occa- 
.^ion  of  family  prayers,  a  young  minister,  referring  to 
u  sermon  about  to  be  delivered  by  the  distinguished 
divine,  prayed  the  Lord  would  "  open  his  mouth 
wider  than  ever."     When  thev  rose  from  their  knees, 


*  Mi.ss  Jane  Harry,  who   had   offended  Johnson  by  becoming  a. 
pro.-^e'.yte  to  Quakerism. 


130  lenalisb  *Mit  anD  Ibumor 

Mr.  Hall  said,  "  Well,  sir,  did  you  pray  that  my 
mouth  mi.u;ht  l)e  opened  wider?  It  couldn't  well  be 
done,  sir,  unless  it  was  slit  from  ear  to  ear,  sir.''    [ii] 

Going   to   '■  Star  "  or  "  To  Starve  " 

Charles  Mathews  once  went  to  perform  at  Wake- 
field, where,  owing  to  the  depressed  state  of  trade, 
the  drama  received  no  support.  He  was  afterwards 
asked  how  nmch  money  he  had  made  at  Wakefield, 
and  replied  : 

"  Not  a  shilling  !  " 

"  Not  a  shilling?  "  repeated  his  questioner.  '•  Why, 
I  thought  you  went  there  to  star?" 

"  So  I  did,"  rejilied  Mathews  ;  but  they  spell  it  with 
a  '  ve  '  in  Wakefield." 

A  Quaker's    Impatience  to  See  his  Visitor 
"  Again  " 

A  gentleman  of  indolent  habits  made  a  business  of 
visiting  his  friends  extensively.  He  was  once  cor- 
dially received  by  a  Quaker,  who  treated  his  visitor 
with  great  attention  and  politeness  for  several  days. 
At  last  he  said  : 

"  My  friend,  I  am  afraid  thee  will  never  visit  me 
again." 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  shall,"  said  the  visitor  ;  "I  have 
enjoyed  my  visit  much ;  I  shall  certainly  come 
again." 

"  Nay,"  said  the  Quaker,  "  I  think  thee  will  not 
visit  nie  again." 

"  What  makes  you  think  I  shall  not  come  again?" 
asked  the  visitor. 

"  If  thee  does  nez'er  leave,^^  said  the  Quaker,  "  how 
canst  thee  come  again  ?  " 

The  W  ecked  Archbishop  and  the  Eleventh 
Commandment 

Archbishop  Usher,  when  crossing  the  Channel  from 
Ireland  to  this  country,  was  wrecked  on  some  part  of 
the  Coast  of  Wales.  On  this  disastrous  occasion, 
after  having  reached  the  shore,  he  made  the  best  of 
his  way  to  the  house  of  a  clergyiuan,  who  resided  not 


far  from  the  spot  on  which  he  was  cast.  Without  com- 
municating his  name  or  his  exalted  station,  the  arch- 
bishop introduced  himself  as  a  brother  clergyman  in 
aistress,  and  stated  the  particulars  of  his  misfortune. 
The  Cambrian  divine,  suspecting  his  unknown  visitor 
to  be  an  impostor,  gave  him  no  very  courteous  recejj- 
tion.  and  having  intimated  his  suspicions,  said  :  "  I 
daresay  you  can't  tell  me  how  many  commandments 
there  are?" — "There  are  eleven,"  replied  the  arch- 
bishop, very  meekly.  —  "  Repeat  the  eleventh." 
rejoined  the  other,  '•  and  I  will  relieve  your  distress." 
— "  Thenj'oii  will  put  the  commandment  into  prac- 
tice "  answered  the  primate;  "i\  new^  commandment 
I  give  unto  you,  that  ye  love  one  another."      [ii] 

Perhaps  It  Was  the  Fault  of  the  Absent  One 
A  gentleman  once  told  Dr.  Johnson  that  a  friend  of 
his,  looking  into  the  dictionary  which  the  doctor  had 
lately  published,  could  not  find  the  word  ocean. 
"  Not  find  '  ocean  !  '  "  exclaimed  our  lexicographer; 
"  sir,  I  doubt  the  veracity  of  your  information  !  "  He 
instantly  stalked  into  his  library  and,  opening  the 
work  in  question  with  the  utmost  impatience,  at  last 
triumj>hantl\-  put  his  finger  upon  the  subject  of 
research,  adding,  "  There,  sir,  there  is  ocean  .'  "  The 
gentleman  was  preparing  to  apologize  for  the  mistake  ; 
but  Dr.  Johnson  good-naturedly  dismissed  the  subject 
with  "Never  mind  it,  sir;  perhaps  your  friend  spells 
ocean  with  an  5."      [24] 

A  "Witty  Drunkard 
The  following  happened  on  a  crowded  car.  A 
seedy-looking  man,  very  much  the  worse  for  having 
looked  too  often  on  the  wine  when  it  was  red  rose  to 
give  his  seat  to  a  lady  ,  when  a  robust  man  slipi)ed 
into  the  vacant  seat,  leaving  the  lady  still  standing. 
"  Sa-a-y,  you — you  feller  you,"  said  the  boozy  but 
chivalrous  individual,  as  he  swa>ed  to  and  fro,  hang- 
ing to  a  strap — "  I — I'm  drunk,  I  know,  but  I — I'll  git 
over  it.  I  will  ;  but  you — you're  a  hog,  an'  you — you'll 
never  git  over  it — no,  sir,  never."  And  the  other 
passengers  agreed  with  him. 


182  JEnalisb  limit  anO  Ibumor 

A  Pointed  Question  and  a  Rough  Answer 
It    is    related   that    at   Dunvejjan,    Lady    MacLeod 
having  poured   out  for   Dr.   Johnson   sixteen   cups  of 
tea,  asked  him  if  a  small  basin   would   not  save  him 
trouble  and  be  more  agreeable. 

"I  wonder,  madam,"  answered  he,  roughly.  "  why 
all  ladies  ask  me  such  questions.  It  is  to  save  your- 
selves trouble,  madam,  and  not  me." 

The  lady  was  silent,  and  resumed  her  task.     [27] 

An  Open  Question 

At  a  country  debating  club,  the  question  was  dis- 
cussed whether  there  is  more  happiness  in  the  posses- 
sion or  pursuit  of  an  object  ? 

"  Mr.  President,"  said  an  orator,  ''  suppose  I  was 
courtin'  a  gal,  and  she  was  to  run  away,  and  I  was  to 
run  after  her  ;  wouldn't  I  be  happier  when  I  catch' d 
her  than  when  I  was  running  after  her  ?  " 

Mr.  President  replied  that  he  could  not  see  how 
that  was  to  be  ascertained  before  she  was  caught. 

A  Methodical  Maniac 

A  gentleman  of  the  name  of  Man,  residing  near  a 
private  mad-house,  met  one  of  its  poor  inhabitants, 
who  had  broken  from  his  keeper.  The  maniac  sud- 
denly stopped,  and  resting  upon  a  large  stick, 
exclaimed,  "Who  are  you,  sir?" 

The  gentleman  was  rather  alarmed,  but  thinking 
to  divert  his  attention  by  a  pun,  replied,  •'  I  am  a 
double  man  ;  I  am  Man  by  name,  and  man  t)y 
nature." 

"  Are  you  so?"  rejoined  the  other  ;  "  why,  I  am  a 
man  beside  myself,  so  we  hco  will  fight  iv??<  tzco.^^ 

He  then  knocked  down   poor  Man,  and   ran   away. 

A  Recognized  Need 

A  stormy  discussion  arose  once  in  Douglas  Jerrold's 
company,  during  which  a  gentleman  rose  to  settle  the 
matter  in  dispute.  Waving  his  hand  majestically 
over  the  excited  disputants,  he  began  :  "  Gentlemen, 
all  I  want  is  common  sense." 


jenfllisb  "Mit  anD  t>umoi:  iSo 

"Exactly,"  Douglas  Jerrold  interrupted,  "that  is 
precisely  what  you  do  waiii." 

The  discussion  was  lost  in  a  burst  of  laughter.  [25] 

Division  of  Labor  in  Observing  the  Church 
Calendar 

There  are  many  advantages  in  variety  of  conditions, 
one  of  which  is  boasted  by  a  divine,  who  rejoices 
that,  between  both  classes,  "  all  the  holidays  of  the 
church  are  properly  kept,  since  the  rich  observe  the 
feasts,  and  the  poor  observe  the  fasts." 

Club  Etiquette — Learned  from  Observation 

There  have  recently  been  published  several  very 
edifying  works  upon  •  Etiquette,"  and  the  mode  of 
behaving  well  in  company.  As  no  book  touching  the 
conduct  of  club  society  has  yet  appeared,  and  this  is 
the  season  of  the  year  at  which  those  admirable  institu- 
tions are  making  weekly  acquisitions  in  the  shape  of 
new  members,  we  have  thought  it  might  be  neither 
.superfluous  nor  disagreeable  to  give  the  recently 
admitted  candidates  a  few  leading  rules  for  their 
behavior,  in  the  way  of  directions. 

Thus,  in  the  first  place,  find  fault  with  even,^hing 
and  bully  the  waiters.  What  do  you  pay  your  sub- 
scription for,  but  to  secure  that  privilege  ?  Abuse  the 
committee  for  mismanagement,  until  you  get  into  it 
yourself — then  abuse  everybody  else. 

Never  shut  the  dcjor  of  any  room  into  which  you 
may  go,  or  out  of  which  you  may  come. 

When  the  evening  papers  arrive,  pounce  upon  three  ; 
keep  one  in  your  hand  reading,  another  under  your 
arm,  ready  to  relieve  that ;  and  sit  down  upon  a 
third.  By  this  means  you  possess  yourself  of  the 
opinions  of  all  parties,  withoiit  being  influenced  by 
any  one  of  them. 

If  you  wish  to  dine  early  and  cheap,  order  some 
cold  meat  just  before  three  o'clock — il  will  then  be 
charged    as    luncheon  ;     bread,    pickles,    etc.,   gratis. 


184  BuQlisb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

Drink  table  beer,  because,  as  the  Scotch  gentleman 
said  ot  something  very  different,  "  It  is  vary  pleasant 
and  costs  nothing." 

If  you  dine  on  the  joiiit,  get  it  first  and  cut  all  the 
best  parts  oflf,  and  help  yourself  to  twice  as  much  as 
you  want  for  fear  you  should  never  see  it  again. 

If  you  are  inclined  to  read  the  newspaper  when 
you  have  finished  your  meat,  make  use  of  the  cheese 
as  a  reading  desk  ;  it  is  very  convenient,  and,  more- 
over, makes  the  paper  smell  of  cheese  and  the  cheese 
taste  of  paper. 

If  you  come  in  and  see  a  man  whom  you  know 
dining  quietl}^  by  himself,  or  two  men  dining  sociably 
together,  draw  your  chair  to  their  table  and  volunteer 
to  join  them.  This  they  cannot  well  refuse,  although 
they  may  wish  you  at  Old  Scratch.  Then  call  for  the 
bill  of  fare  and  order  your  dinner,  which,  as  the 
others  had  half  done  before  your  arrival,  will  not  be 
served  till  they  have  quite  fiiiished  theirs.  This  will 
enable  them  to  enjoy  the  gratification  of  seeing  you 
proceed  through  the  whole  of  your  meal  from  soup  to 
cheese  inclusive,  while  they  are  eating  their  fruit  and 
sipping  their  wine. 

If  you  drink  tea.  call  for  a  "  cup  "  of  tea  ;  when  the 
waiter  has  brought  it  abuse  him  for  its  being  too 
strong,  and  desire  him  to  fetch  an  empty  cup  and  a 
small  jug  of  boiling  water;  then  divide  the  tea  into 
the  two  cups  and  fill  up  both  with  the  water.  By  this 
method  you  get  two  cups  of  tea  for  the  price  of  one. 
X.  B. — The  milk  and  sugar  not  charged  for. 

If  you  are  a  literary  man,  always  write  your  books 
at  the  club — pen,  ink,  and  paper  gratis:  a  circum- 
stance which  of  itself  is  likely  to  make  your  produc- 
tions profitable. 

When  there  is  a  ballot,  blackball  everybody  you  do 
not  happen  to  know.  If  a  candidate  is  not  one  of 
your  own  personal  acquaintance,  he  cannot  be  fit  to 
come  there. 


JEnglisb  lUit  an^  t>umor  185 

If  you  are  interested  about  a  friend,  post  \-ourself 
directly  in  front  of  his  balloting  box  and  pester  every- 
body, whether  you  know  them  or  not,  to  give  him  a 
vote  ;  this,  if  pertinaciously  adhered  to,  will  invari- 
ably settle  his  fate  one  way  or  the  other. 

Always  walk  about  the  coffee-room  with  your  hat 
on  to  show  your  own  independence  and  your  respect 
for  the  numerous  noblemen  and  gentlemen  who  are 
sitting  at  dinner  without  theirs. 

When  you  are  alone  in  any  of  the  rooms  where 
writing  materials  are  deposited,  help  yourself  to 
covers,  notepaper,  sealing-wax,  and  black-lead  pen- 
cils at  discretion  ;  they  are  as  much  yours  as  any 
other  member's  ;  and,  as  you  contribute  to  pay  for 
them  what  difference  can  it  make  whether  you  use 
them  at  the  club  or  at  home  I 

When  you  go  away,  if  it  is  a  wet  night,  and  you  are 
without  a  cloak  or  great  coat,  take  the  first  that  fits 
you  ;  you  can  send  it  back  in  the  morning,  when  it  is 
fine  ;  remember  you  do,  and  explain  that  it  was  taken 
by  mistake.      This  rule  applies  equally  to  umbrellas. 

Never  pay  your  subscription  till  the  very  last  day 
fixed  by  the  regulations  ;  why  should  the  trustees  get 
the  interest  of  your  money  for  two  or  three  months  ? 
Besides,  when  strangers  come  in  and  see  the  house, 
they  will  find  your  name  over  the  fireplace,  whic!: 
will  show  that  you  belong  to  the  club. 

An  observance  to  these  general  rules,  with  a  little 
attention  to  a  few  minor  points,  which  it  is  scarcely 
possible  to  allude  to  more  particularly  here,  will  ren- 
der you  a  most  agreeable  member  of  the  society  to 
which  you  belong,  and  which  it  will  be  right  to 
denounce  everywhere  else  as  the  most  execrable  hole 
in  London,  in  which  you  can  get  nothing  fit  either  to 
eat  or  drink,  but  in  which  you,  yourself,  nevertheless, 
breakfast,  dine,  and  sup  every  day,  when  you  are  not 
otherwise  engaged.      [28] 


186  Bnglisb  Tilflit  aiiD  Ibumoc 

Skeleton  Humor 

Nothing  amuses  me  more  than  to  observe  the  utter 
want  of  perception  of  a  joke  in  some  minds.  Mrs. 
Jackson  called  the  other  day,  and  spoke  of  the 
oppressive  heat  of  last  week. 

"  Heat,  ma'am  !  "  I  said,  "  it  was  so  dreadful  here, 
that  I  found  there  was  nothing  left  for  it  but  to  take 
off  my  flesh  and  sit  in  my  bones." 

"  Take  off  your  flesh  and  sit  in  your  bones,  sir  ?  Oh, 
Mr.  Smith!  how  could  you  do  that?"  she  exclaimed 
with  the  utmost  gravity. 

"  Nothing  more  easy,  ma'am  ;  come  and  see  next 
time." 

But  she  ordered  her  carriage,  and  evidently  thought 
it  a  very  unorthodox  proceeding.      [2] 

A  Tribute  to  Scotch  Thrift 

A  gentleman,  talking  to  Dr.  Johnson,  spoke  of  some 
Scotch  settlers  who  had  taken  possession  of  a  barren 
part  of  America,  and  wondered  why  they  should 
choose  it. 

Johnson  replied  :  ''Why,  sir,  all  barrenness  is  com- 
parative.    The  Scotch  would  not  know  it  to  be  barren." 

Colman's  Wit  and  Humor 
Colman's  best  jukes  have  been  chronicled  by  Mr. 
Peake.*    Here  are  a  few  : 

Colman  and  Bannister  were  dining  one  day  with 
Lord  Erskine,  the  ex-chancellor,  who,  in  the  course  of 
conversation  on  rural  affairs,  boasted  that  he  kept  on 
his  pasture  land  nearly  a  thousand  sheep.  "  I  per- 
ceive, then,"  said  Colman,  "  your  lordship  has  still  an 
eve  to  the  Woolsack." 


Colman,  himself  no  giant,  delighted  in  quizzing  per- 
ions  of  short  stature.  Liston  and  pretty  little  Mrs. 
Liston  were  dining  with  him,  and  towards  evening, 
when  preparing  to  leave  their  host,  Liston  said,"  Come, 
Mrs.  L.,  let  us  be  going."  "  Mrs.  L.  [Ell],  indeed," 
exclaimed  Colman,  "  Mrs.  Inch,  you  mean." 


♦Reprinted  from  "  Rundom  Records,"  by  George  Cr>lman  the 
younger.    2  vols.,  1830.     Dedicated,  by  permission,  to  George  IV. 


Bnglisb  lUit  anD  Ibumor  187 

One  day,  speaking:  of  authorshii)  as  a  profession, 
Colman  said,  "  It  is  a  very  <^(jod  walking-stick,  but 
very  bad  crutches."  (This  is  usually  attributed  to 
Sir  Walter  Scott.) 


A  Mr.  Faulkener,  from  the  provinces,  had  been 
engaged  at  the  Haymarket.  Colman  was  disap- 
pointed with  his  new  actor,  who  had  to  deliver  the 
following  line,  which  he  spoke  in  a  nasal  tone  : 

"  Ah  !  where  is  my  honor  now  ?  " 
Colman,  who  was  behind  the  scenes,  took  a  hasty 
pinch  of  snuff,  and  muttered,  "  I  wish  j^our  honor  was 
back  at  Newcastle  again,  with  all  my  heart." 


A  debutant  at  the  Haymarket  appeared  as  Octa- 
VIAN,  in  the  Mountaineers.  It  was  soon  discovered 
that  he  was  incompetent ;  Colman  was  in  the  green- 
room, and  growing  fidgety  when  the  new  performer 
came  to  the  line, 

"  I  shall  weep  soon,  and  then  I  shall  be  better." 

"  I'll  be  hung  if  you  will,"  said  Colman,  "  if  you  cry 
your  eyes  out." 


Colman  was  habitually  late  to  take  rest,  and  was 
consequently  very  late  in  bed  during  the  daytime. 
On  Mr.  Theodore  Hook  calling  one  afternoon  at  his 
house,  his  name  was  immediately  carried  up  to 
Colman. 

"What's  the  hour?" 

"  Past  three,  sir." 

"What,  does  Mr.  Hook  suppose  I  rise  with  the 
lark  !  Ask  him  to  return  at  any  reasonable  hour,  and 
I  shall  be  glad  to  see  him." 


George  IV  presented  to  Colman  the  commission  of 
Lieutenant  of  the  Yeoman  of  the  Guard,  in  1S20.  On 
the  first  birthday  that  Colman  attended  officially,  in 


188  iSmUeb  Mit  anD  "fcumoc 

full  costume,  his  Majesty  seemed  irinch  pleased  to  see 
him,  and  observed,  "  Your  uniform,  George,  is  so  well 
made,  that  I  don't  see  the  hooks  and  eyes." 

On  which,  Colman,  unhooking  his  coat,  said,  "  Here 
are  my  eyes  ;  where  are  yours?  " 


At  the  table  of  George  IV,  when  Prince  Regent,  the 
royal  host  said,  "  Why,  Colman,  you  are  older  than 
1  am  !  " 

•'Oh,  no,  sir,"  replied  Colman,  "I  could  not  lake 
the  liberty  of  coming  into  the  world  before  yorr  royal 
highness." 


Turning  to  the  Duke  of  Wellington  (who  wa^  gold- 
stick  in  waiting),  the  king  remarked,  "  George  Colman 
puts  me  in  mind  of  Pam." 

"  If  that  is  the  case,"  exclaimed  Colman,  "  the  only 
difference  between  the  Duke  of  Wellington  and  me  is, 
that  I  am  the  hero  of  Loo.     He,  of  Waterloo !  " 


A  party  of  visitors  were  standing  before  a  whole- 
length  portrait  of  the  celebrated  Lord  North,  in  full 
peer's  robes  with  a  long  white  wand  in  his  hand  which 
no  one  appeared  to  understand.  After  nodding  his 
head  for  half  a  minute,  and  affecting  to  rouse,  he 
said,  "Eh!  white  wand?  don't  know,  egad!  but 
suppose  it  represents  the  North  Pole  !  " 


When  Boaden  produced  his  play  of  The  Italian 
Monk  at  the  Haymarket,  Colman  was  so  jealous  of 
his  success,  that  next  morning  at  the  cutting  rehear- 
sal, he  said  to  his  stage  manager,  "  Hang  the  fellow, 
we  shall  now  be  pestered  with  his  plays,  year  after 
year  1  "  It  was  of  this  play  that  Boaden  said  he  had 
in  it  given  Billy  (Shakespeare)  the  go-by;  which 
obtained  for  him  the  sobriquet  of  Billy  the-go-by 
Boaden. 


jengllsb  TKait  an&  Ibumor  189 

John  Taylor  sent  to  Colman  a  volume  of  his  poems 
which  bore  the  motto,— 

"  I  left  no  calling  for  his  idle  trade  ;  " 
to  which  Colman  added, — 

"  For  none  were  blind  enough  to  ask  thine  aid.  ' 

Now  Taylor  was  an  oculist,  but  having  little  or  no 
]>ractice,  the  satire  was  the  more  poignant.  Taylor 
heard  of  X\\\s  j'eu  d' esprit  ;  and  shortly  after,  being  in 
(■')mpany  with  Colman,  the  word  calling- vi^s  incident- 
ally mentioned  by  the  latter,  when  Taylor,  witli  great 
juirkness,  interrupted  him  with,  "  Talking  of 
callino-s,  my  dear  boy,  your  father  was  a  great  dra- 
matic 'English  Merchant*  ;  now  your  dealings  are 
and  always  will  be  those  of  a  small  Coal-man.  I 
liiink  I  had  you  there?  What,  have  I  paid  you  for 
\(itir  '  None  were  blind  enough.'  eh  ?  " 

Colman  was  evidently  hurt. 


Hackett,  the  American  comedian,  had  been  engaged 
1)\-  Mr.  Bunn,  at  Drury  Lane.  Being  in  want  of  a 
neiv  part,  he,  or  some  one  for  him,  had  made  an 
alteration  in  Colman's  comedy  of  Who  Wants  a 
Guinea  ?  substituting  a  character — Solomon  Swap — 
for  the  original  Solomon  Grundy.  This  amalgama- 
tion had  to  undergo  the  inspection  of  the  examiner 
of  plays,  who  was  also  the  author  of  the  comedy. 
Here  was  a  situation  !  Colman  thus  addressed  Bunn, 
the  ostensible  manager,  on  the  subject  : 

"Sir: — In  respect  to  the  alterations  made  by  Mr. 
Hackett,  a  most  appropriate  name  on  the  present 
occasion,  were  the  established  play  of  any  living 
dramatist  except  myself  so  mutilated,  I  should 
express  to  the  Lord  Chamberlain,  the  grossness  and 
unfairness  of  the  manager  who  encouraged  such  a 
proceeding;  but  as  the  character  of  Solomon  Grundy 
was  originally  a  part  of  my  own  writing,  I  shall 
request  his  grace  to  license  '  the  rubbish,'  as  you  call 
it,  which  you  have  sent  me. — Your  obedient  servant, 
G.  Colman." 


4 

190  jen0li:b  mn  anD  Ibumor 

He  was  an  admirable  punster.  Sheridan  once  said, 
when  George  made  a  successful  hit,  "  I  hate  a  pun, 
but  Colman  almost  reconciles  me  to  the  infliction." 


He  was  once  asked  if  he  knew  Theodore  Hook  '. 
"  Oh,  yes,"  was  his  reply,  "  Hook  and  I  (eye)  ar. 
old  associates." 


A  young  man  being  hardly  pressed  to  sing  in  a 
company  where  Colman  formed  one  of  the  party, 
solemnly  assured  them  that  he  could  not  sing  ;  and 
at  last  said,  rather  hastily,  "  That  they  only  wished  to 
make  a  butt  of  him."  "  Oh,  no,"  said  Colman,  "  my 
good  sir,  we  only  want  to  get  a  staveout  of  you."  [29] 

The  Adulterator's  Alphabet 

A's  the  mock  Auction — go.  buy  if  you  ihoose 
The  trash  palmed  upon  you  by  duffers  and  Jews. 

B  is  the  Baker  whose  loaves  sell  the  faster 
When  made  up  of  alum,  potatoes  and  plaster. 

C  is  the  Clergyman — mind  he  don't  mix 

His  Rubric  with  Pusey's  or  Claphamite  tricks. 

D  is  the  Druggist — the  Lancet  explains 

How  he  poisons  each  drug  and  increases  your  pains. 

E's  the  Excise  that  affixes  its  locks — 

But  very  queer  mixtures  come  out  of  the  docks. 

F  is  the  Fellow — whose  furniture  falls 

To  pieces,  as  soon  as  it's  set  round  your  walls. 

Q  is  the  Grocer — the  rascal  is  he 

Who  puts  sand  in  your  sugar  and  sticks  in  your  tea. 

H  is  the  Hatter— his  hats  (which  you  bet) 

Turn  shamefully  brown  the  first  time  they  get  wet. 

I  is  the  Ink-maker — he's  a  nice  fellow — 

His  deepest  jet  black  in  a  week  becomes  yellow. 

J  is  the  Jeweller — I  know  who  is  sold 
When  you've  bought  his  sham  gems  really  set  in  .sham 
gold. 


Jgnalisb  Wit  anO  Ibumoc  191 

K  is  K.  G.,  and  a  title  debased 

Since  Nick  and  Nurse  Ab  in  the  Chapel  were  graced. 

L  is  the  Laureate  who  tenders  us  for  song, 

A  lachrymose  whine  when  we  wanted  a  war-song. 

iVl  is  the  Member — the  place-hunting  elf, 

Selling  rubbish  he's  no  right  to  sell — that's  himself. 

N  is  the  Nurse  who  your  suffering  insults, 

Who  gives  Godfrey  to  babies  and  plunders  adults. 

O  is  the  Omnibus  Cad  who  deceives 

Concerning  his  route,  and  who  lets  in  the  thieves. 

P  is  the  Publican,  neck-deep  in  sin. 

With  salt  in  his  beer  and  with  turps  in  his  gin. 

Q's  the  Queen's  Government  (that's  but  a  phrase), 
Who  delude  their  good  mistress  in  all  kinds  of  ways. 

R's  the  Romance  writer,  read  with  a  groan  ; 
What's  good    he    has    })rigged,   and    what's    stupid's 
his  own. 

S  is  the  Stock-jobber,  none  can  dispute 
That  a  bull  or  a  bear  is  a  low  kind  of  brute. 

T  is  the  Tailor  who  makes  us  all  wroth. 

With  his  skimping  bad  fits  and  his  rotten  old  cloth. 

U  is  your  Uncle,  the  usurer  Pop, 

And  legalized  cheating  goes  on  at  his  shop. 

V  is  the  Vintner,  you  trace  when  you  dine 

His  crimes  in  the  mess  that  is  brought  you  for  wine 

W  is  the  Watchmaker,  nine  times  a  week 

His  "  warrants  "  should  bring  up  himself  to  the  Beak 

X  (with  an  e)  's  the  Exchequer,  which  axes 
All  sorts  of  unjust  and  irrational  taxes. 

Y  is  a  Yokel — when  he  meets  your  eyes 
Look  out — he's  most  like!\   a  thief  in  disguise. 

Z's    Zadkiel,   the  quack,    who   with    "Venus"  and 

"  Mars," 
Diddles  Zanies  by  lyin-  reports  from  the  stars,      [i] 


192  JEnglisb  limit  anD  Ibumot 

A  Keen  Judge 

Justice  Taunton  was  reniarkable  for  speaking  some- 
times rather  sharply  to  barristers  who  occupied 
unnecessarily  the  time  of  the  court,  or  who  fell  into 
errors  in  point  of  law.  On  one  occasion  a  request 
was  made  to  him  to  enlarge  a  rule.  He  expressed  his 
intention  to  do  so. 

Up  started  a  learned  sergeant,  and  exclaimed,  "  My 
lord,  in  the  whole  course  of  my  experience  I  have 
never  known  such  a  rule,  under  such  circumstances, 
to  be  enlarged." 

"  Then,  my  learned  brother,"  replied  Taunton,  "  I 
shall  have  the  pleasure  of  enlarging  the  rule  and  your 
experience  at  the  same  time." 

A  Question  Which  Needed  No  Answer 

Hook's  street  fun  was  irrepressible.  We  read  of 
his  walking  up  to  a  j)ompous  person  in  the  trottoir 
in  the  Strand,  and  saj'ing  to  him,  "  I  beg  your 
pardon,  sir,  but  may  I  ask,  are  you  anybody  par- 
ticular?''''— but  he  did  not  wait  for  the  answer  of 
the  magnifico.     [28] 

Referring  Him  10  a  Good  Authority 

A  late  professor  taking  a  country  walk,  met  one  of 
those  beings  usually  called  fools. 

"  Pray,"  says  the  professor,  accosting  him,  "  how 
]r)ng  can  a  person  live  without  brains?" 

"  I  dunno,"  replied  the  fellow,  scratching  his  head, 
"  pray,  how  long  have  you  lived  yourself,  sir?" 

An  Old-fashioned  Gardener  on  Scientific  Farming 

A  noble  lord,  in  conversation  with  his  gardener  one 
•lay,  said  :  "  George,  the  time  will  come  soon  when 
.1  man  will  be  able  to  carry  the  manure  for  an  acre  of 
land  in  one  of  his  waistcoat  pockets." 

To  which  the  gardener  replied  :  "  I  believe  it, 
sir  ;  but  he  will  be  able  to  carry  all  the  crop  in  the 
other  i)Ocket." 


JEnolisb  "UHit  anD  Ibumor  193 

•'I  Slept,  and  O  How  Sweet  the. Dream     " 

I  slept,  and  O  how  sweet  the  dream  ! 

In  Grange's  shop  there  sat  but  two  ; 
And  strawberries  red  and  iciest  cream. 

Were  brought  to  me  by  I  know  who 
He  whispered  low,  his  love  was  told. 

In  cream  the  fruit  he  made  me  plunge, 
And  if  I  found  the  cream  too  cold, 

He  bade  me  try  a  cake  of  sponge. 

He  talked  of  all  that  makes  up  life. 

Of  dresses,  dances,  drives  and  drums  ; 
Of  ponies  which  he'd  buy  his  wife. 

And  bracelets  costing  awful  sums. 
His  tones  grew  low — I  listened  well — 

The  accents  changed  to  *'  Mary  Teggs  ! 
Your  ma  have  rang  the  breakfast  bell, 

And  if  your  late  you'll  git  no  heggs."      [i] 

Kingly  Courtesy  and  Quaker  Consistency 
When  Penn  stood  before  Charles  II  with  his  hat  on, 
the  king  put  off  his.  "  Friend  Charles,"  said  Penn, 
"  why  dost  thou  not  put  on  thy  hat?"  " 'Tis  the 
custom  of  this  place,"  replied  the  monarch,  "  that 
only  one  person  should  be  covered  at  a  time." 

A  Grim  and  Witty  Description  of  the  Experience 
of  Some  Wives 

Referring  to  the  poverty  too  often  endured  by  artists, 
poets,  authors,  and  other  men  of  genius,  Douglas 
Jerrold  makes  Mr.  Mammoth  tell  his  wife  (in  the 
piece  entitled  Law  and  Lions)  that  the  wives  of 
geniuses  live  only  in  the  kitchen  of  imagination."  [25] 

Why  «  The  Spectator  "  excelled  "  The  Tattler" 

When  Sir  Richard  Steele  was  made  a  member  of 
the  Commons  it  was  expected  from  his  writings  that 
he  would  have  been  an  admirable  orator  ;  but  not 
proving  so,  De  Foe  said,  "  He  had  better  have  con- 
tinued the  Spectator  thdiXi  started  the  Tattler.'^ 

13 


104  Bnglisb  Wit  auD  Ibumor 

Thackeray  Broadening  Carlyle's  Vision 
Carlyle  hai^pened,  in  the  presence  of  Thackeray,  to 
«peak    in   terms  of    qualified    admiration  of   Titian. 
'•  Oh  !  "  said  he,  "  they  talk  a  great  deal  aboutTitian  ; 
/  could  never  see  much  in  him." 

Thackeray  tapped  him  on  the  shoulder,  and  whis- 
kered, "  Do  you  think  that  is  Titian's  fault  ?" 

An  Opportunity  for  Boys  of  the  Right  Sort 

A  farmer  sent  to  an  orphan  asylum  for  a  boy  that 
Avas  smart,  active,  brave,  tractable,  prompt,  indus- 
trious, clean,  pious,  intelligent,  good-looking,  reserved 
and  modest.  The  superintendent  wrote  back  that, 
unfortunately,  they  had  only  human  boys  in  that 
institution. 

Erskine's  Humor 
Mr.  Espinasse  was  conversing  witli  Erskine  and  a 
Mr.  Lamb,  when  Erskine  remarked  how  much  habit 
and  the  practice  of  speaking  gave  a  man  confidence 
in  addressing  the  court.  "I  protest  I  don't  find  it 
so,"  said  Mr.  Lamb,  "for  though  I've  been  a  good 
many  years  at  the  bar,  and  have  had  my  share  of 
business,  I  don't  find  my  confidence  increase  :  indeed 
the  contrary  is  rather  my  case."  "Why,"  replied 
Erskine,  "  it's  nothing  wonderful  that  a  Lamb  should 
grow  sheepish." 

One  night  Erskine  was  coming  out  of  the  House  of 
Commons  when  he  was  stopped  by  a  member  going 
in,  who  accosted  him.  "  Who's  up,  Erskine?  "  "Wind- 
ham," was  the  reply.  "What's  he  on?"  "His 
legs  "  

Erskine  was  colonel  of  the  volunteer  corps  called 
„  The  Law  Association."  Some  one  wishing  to  quiz 
him  told  him  that  his  corps  was  much  inferior  to  the 
Excise  Volunteers,  then  notoriously  the  worst  in 
London.  "  So  they  ought  to  be,"  good-humoredly 
observed  Erskine,  "  seeing  that  the  Excise  people  are 
all  Caesars  (seizers)." 


jenglisb  TlUit  anD  Ibumoc  195 

A  Witty  Definition  of  Tact 
Sidney  Godolphin — who  held  office  during  several 
successive  reigns,  and  in  that  of  Queen  Anne  became 
Lord  High  Treasurer,  and  received  the  title  of  earl — 
was  noted  for  his  tact,  his  knowledge  of  business,  and 
his  capacity  for  making  himself  useful.  Charles  II 
said  of  him,  "Sidney  Godolphin  is  never  in  the  way, 
and  never  out  of  the  way." 

The  First  Cake  after  the  Wedding 
Vouitg    Wife:     "What's    the    matter,    my    dear? 

Don't  you  like  pound-cake  ?  " 

Husband  {hesitatingly) :  "Y-e-s,  love  !  but  I  don't 

care  for  ten-pound  cake." 


Shortly  after  marriage  my  wife  produced  her  first 
cake  on  a  Sunday  afternoon,  asking  me  to  cut  it.  As 
we  were  alone,  I  suggested  we  should  not  cut  it, 
when  my  wife  said,  "  Nonsense — we  can't  have  it  and 
eat  it,  too."  Putting  the  knife  to  it  I  found  tliat  it  was 
as  hard  as  plaster  of  Paris.  "No,"  said  1,  "but  it 
appears  likely  that  we  can  have  it  and  caii  t  eat  it.^^ 
That  cake  was  rolled  about  the  garden  like  a  grind- 
stone for  a  week  or  two,  and  the  fowls  must  have 
worn  their  beaks  ver\^  much  in  their  efforts  to  demol- 
ish it.     Things  have  improved  since  then.      [20J 

«« I  Cannot  Bear  to  Say  Farewell !  "—and  the 
Reason  Why 
I  cannot  bear  to  say  farewell, 

And  yet  I  know  'tis  right ; 
I  sniff  the  dinner's  fragrant  smell, 

I  have  an  appetite. 
But  as  thou  dost  not  bid  me  stay, 

Of  course  I  cannot  stop ; 
So  fare  thee  well — my  fare  to-day 

Will  be  one  nmtton  chop,      [i] 

Joseph  Gillott  and  Turner 
One  day,  Mr.   Gillott,  the  well-known   pen  manu- 
facturer   of     Birmingham,    sallied    from    his    hotel, 


196  JEncjUsb  lllllit  atiD  Ibumor 

determined,  at  any  price,  to  obtain  admission  to 
the  enchanted  house  in  Queen  Anne  Street,  where 
Turner  lived  among  his  pictures.  He  was  rich, 
he  was  enthusiastic,  he  believed  strongly  in  the 
power  of  the  golden  key  to  open  any  door.  He 
arrived  at  the  blistered,  dirty  door  of  the  house 
with  the  black-crusted  windows.  He  pulled  at  the 
bell ;  the  bell  answered  with  a  querulous  melancholy 
tinkle. 

There  was  a  long  unhospitable  pause ;  then  an  old 
woman  looked  up  from  the  area,  and  presently 
ascended,  and  tardily  opened  the  door.  She  snap- 
pishly asked  Mr.  Gillott's  business.  He  told  her  in 
his  blandest  voice. 

"  Can't  let  e'  in,"  was  the  answer,  and  she  tried  to 
slam  the  door.  But  during  the  parley  the  crafty  and 
determined  Dives  had  put  his  foot  in ;  and  now, 
refusing  to  any  longer  parley,  he  pushed  past  the 
feeble,  enraged  old  she-Cerberus,  and  hurried  upstairs 
to  the  gallery. 

In  a  moment  Turner  was  out  upon  him  like  a 
spider  on  another  spider  who  has  invaded  his  web. 

Mr.  Gillott  bowed,  introduced  himself,  and  stated 
that  he  had  come  to  buy. 

"  Don't  want  to  sell,"  or  some  other  rebuff,  was  the 
answer ;  but  Gillott  shut  his  ears  to  all  Turner's  angry 
vituperations. 

"Have  you  ever  seen  any  of  our  Birmingham 
pictures,  Mr.  Turner?  "  was  his  only  remark. 

"  Never  'eard  of  'em,"  said  Turner. 

Gillott  pulled  from  his  pocket  a  fragile  bundle  of 
Birmingham  bank-notes  (about  ^"5000  worth). 

"  Mere  paper,"  said  Turner  with  grim  humor,  a 
little  softened,  and  enjoying  the  joke. 

**  To  be  bartered  for  mere  canvas,"  said  Gillott, 
waving  his  hands  at  the  "  Building  of  Carthage  "  and 
its  companions. 

"  You're  a  rum  fellow,"  said  Turner,  slowly  enter- 
ing into  negotiations,  which  ended  in  Gillott's 
eventually  carrying  off  in  his  cab  some  ^5000  worth 
of  Turner's  pictures. 


Bnglisb  Mit  anD  Ibumot  197 

Rude  Wit 

Home  Tooke,  who  was  as  rude  as  he  was  repub- 
lican, being  asked  by  George  III  whether  he  played 
at  cards,  replied  :  "  No,  your  Majesty  ;  the  fact  is,  I 
cannot  tell  a  king  from  a  knave." 

Looking  Better  when  Least   Seen 

A  gentleman  who  imagined  that  he  possessed  gifts 
for  the  ministry,  went  to  consult  the  Rev.  Rowland 
Hill  on  the  subject,  and  talked  about  "  hiding  his 
talents."  Mr.  Hill,  who  entertained  different  views 
of  the  matter  to  what  the  gentleman  himself  did, 
intimated  that  "for  his  part,  he  thought  the  closer  he 
hid  them  the  better."      [ii] 

A  Promise  Defined,  Sought  and  Obtained 

An  elector  of  a  country'  town,  who  was  warmly 
pressed  during  a  contest  to  give  his  vote  to  a  certain 
candidate,  replied  that  it  was  impossible,  since  he  had 
already  promised  to  vote  for  the  other. 

"  Oh,"  said  the  candidate,  "in  election  matters, 
promises,  you  know,  go  for  nothing." 

"If  that  is  the  case,"  rejoined  the  elector.  "I 
promise  you  my  vote  at  once." 

Result  of  Being  "Not  Under  the  Law" 

One  of  those  commonly  called  Antinomians  one  day 
called  on  Rowland  Hill,  to  call  him  to  account  for  his 
too  severe  and  legal  gospel. 

"  Do  you,  sir,"  asked  Rowland,  "  hold  the  Ten 
Commandments  to  be  a  rule  of  life  to  Christians?  " 

"  Certainly  not,"  replied  the  visitor. 

The  minister  rang  the  bell,  and  on  the  servant 
making  his  appearance,  he  quietly  said,  "  John,  show 
that  man  the  door,  and  keep  your  eye  on  him  until  he 
is  beyond  the  reach  of  every  article  of  wearing  apparel, 
or  other  property  in  the  hall  !  "      [ii] 

Johnson  on  "Derangement" 
Johnson  would  not  allow  the  word  deranc^e  to  be  an 
English    word.     "  Sir,"    said  a   gentleman    who  had 


198  Bngllsb  THait  anD  Ibumor 

some  pretentions  to  literature,  "  I  have  seen  it  in  a 
book."  "  Not  in  a  bound  book."  said  Johnson  ;  "  dis- 
arrange is  the  word  we  ought  to  use  instead 
of  it."      [22] 

A  Lord's  Reason  for  Seeking  the  Lost  Ten 
Tribes 

There  was  a  meeting  in  the  city  to  receive  a  report 
from  the  society  for  the  discovery  of  the  lost  tribes  of 

Israel.     Lord was  asked  to  take  the  chair.     "I 

take,"  he  replied,  "  a  great  interest  in  your  researches, 
gentlemen.  The  fact  is,  I  have  borrowed  money  from 
all  the  Jews  now  known,  and  if  you  can  find  a  new  set 
I  shall  feel  very  much  obliged."      [25] 

As  Green  as  Two  Peas 

Two  silly  brothers,  twins,  were  very  much  about  town 
in  Hook's  time  ;  and  they  took  every  pains,  by  dressing 
alike,  to  deceive  their  friends  as  to  their  identity. 
Tom  Hill  was  expatiating  upon  these  modern 
Dromios,  at  which  Hook  grew  impatient.  "Well," 
said  Hill,  ''  you  will  admit  that  they  resemble  each 
other  wonderfully;  there  are  alike  as  two  peas." 
*'  They  are,"  retorted  Hook,  "  and  quite  as 
green  !  "      [28] 

An  Opposing  Counsel  Helping  to  Find  Bail 

There  is  an  anecdote  related  of  Sergeant  Davy,  a 
great  lawyer  of  the  last  age.  A  gentleman  once 
appeared  in  the  Court  of  King's  Bench  to  give  bail  in 
the  sum  of  /"3000. 

Sergeant  Davy,  wanting  to  display  his  wit,  said 
him,  sternly,  "  And  pray,  sir,  how   do  you   make  01 
that  you  are  worth  ^3000?" 

The  gentleman  stated  the  particulars  of  his  property 
up  to  ^2940. 

"That's  all  very  good,  but  you  want  £(iO  more  to  J 
be  worth  ^3000." 

"For  that  sum,"  replied  the  gentleman,  no  way] 
disconcerted,  "  I  have  a  note  of  hand  of  one  Mr.! 
Sergeant  Davy,  and  I  hope  he  will  have  the  honesty] 
soon  to  settle  it." 


BnGlisb  TlClft  anO  Ibumor  199 

The  laughter  that  this  reply  excited  extended  even 
to  the  bench. 

The  sergeant  looked  abashed.  And  Lord  Mansfield 
observed  in  his  usual  urbane  tone,  "  Well,  brother 
DavVj  I  think  we  may  accept  the  bail." 

The  Origin  of  Evil 

In  the  year  1869,  when  a  student  at  the  Nottingham 
Institute,  I  observed  on  a  street  wall  an  announcement 
that  a  lecture  would  be  delivered  at  certain  Assembly- 
rooms,  by  a  lady,  on  the  subject  of  "  Love,  Courtshijj 
and  Marriage, — Not   Understood! — and  Why  I  "     The 

lady  was  Mrs.   H L ,  who  at   that  time  was  a 

"  Free  Thinker." 

Never  having  heard  a  woman  speak  in  public,  I 
resolved  to  correct  that  experience,  and  went.  A 
Weseyved  seat  was  at  my  disposal,  and,  for  the  sum 
jof  sixpence,  I  secured  a  seat  in  the  very  front  row. 
lit  was  soon  apparent  that  the  place  was  a  nest  of  free- 
I  thinkers.  After  a  short  interval  the  lady  began  to 
throw  what  she  called  light  into  our  dark  minds. 

The  substance  of  all  her  arguments  was  that  if  the 
Bible  had  not  been  written,  evil  would  not  have  been 
suggested,  and  consequently  that  we  should  never 
lave  known  by  experience  half  the  evils  with  which 
.ve  are  now  acquainted.  Speaking  of  the  marriage 
aws  of  England,  the  lecturer  said  that  these  should 
De  reversed  so  far  as  woman  was  concerned,  and  that 
is  regards  "obeying"  the  husband,  she"  h.ad  an 
igreement  with  her  gentleman  before  hand  that  she 
ihouldn't  mean  a  word  of  it."  This  confession  came 
ifter  an  earnest  exhortation  to  the  "  young  people 
present"  to  be  truthful  and  sincere  before  marriage, 
n  order  that  their  lives  might  be  happy  afterwards. 

The  lecture  being  over,  a  general  invitation  to  a 
liscussion  was  given  by  the  chairman. 

Rising,  I  asked  the  lady  to  tell  us  "  where  all  the 
?vil  came  from  that  was  in  the  world  before  the  Bible 
vas  written  "  ;  adding  that  "  the  evil  there  described 
nust  have  existed  before  it  was  described,  and  was 
herefore  not  produced  by  the  description."  Next  I 
omplimented  her  on  the    splendid   advice  she  had 


200  BnQltsb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 


I 


given  to  "  young  people  "  on  honesty  and  truthfulness 
before  marriage  ;  but,  turning  on  her,  I  put  the  ques- 
tion as  to  what  good  she  expected  to  come  of  her 
advice,  after  she  had  admitted  going  to  church  with  a 
lie  in  her  mouth,  which — although  her  husband  was 
not  deceived  by  it, — had  deceived  the  clergyman  who 
married  them.  "  Can  you."  said  I,  "fairly  charge  the 
Bible  with  having  originated  this  particular  evil?" 
Her  replies  were  evasive  generalities,  which  left  both 
my  questions  untouched,  and  I  left  the  room  telling 
the  lecturer  that  the  Bible  had  lost  nothing  in  my 
estimation  by  her  remarks,  and  that  the  mystery  of 
the  origin  of  evil  was  a  mystery  still.      [20] 

The  Ruling  Passion   Strong  in — Disappointment 

"  You'll  be  the  Surrey  Shakespeare,"  said  a  friend 
to  Douglas  Jerrold,  on  the  success  of  Thomas  h 
Becket. 

"  The  sorry  Shakespeare,  you  mean,"  was  the 
quick  retort  of  Jerrold  (referring  to  his  poor  remu- 
neration).     [25] 

Drawing  on  His  Only  Fund — Humor 

When  Archbishop  Seeker  was  enthroned,  or  sooii' 
after,  he  gave  a  charge  to  his  clergy,  and  among  other?  1 
articles  found  great  fault  with  the  scanty  allowance  1 
paid  to  curates.  Mr.  Patten,  curate  of  Whitstablej 
was  there,  though  not  summoned — as  the  primate, 
afraid  of  his  remarks,  had  ordered  the  proctor  to  leave  1 
him  out  of  the  list. 

He  appeared  greatly  pleased  with  the  sentiments' 
of  the  prelate,  and  expressed  his  satisfaction  by  rising  | 
up  and  bowing  to  the  archbishop,  saying  in  a  loud '■ 
voice,  "  I  thank  your  grace." 

After  the  charge  was  over,  the  proctor,  by  mistake, 
called  the  Rev.  Mr.  Patten,  who,  bustling  through  thei||E 
crowd,  came  up  to  the  archbishop. 

His  grace,  seeing  he  could  not  avoid  the  interview,!  t 
began  with  the  usual  question,  "  You  are,  sir,  I  think,  1: 
curate  of  Whitstable  ?  " 

To  which  Patten  replied,  "  I  am,  may  it  please  3'our 
grace,  and  have  for  it  received  from  your  grace's  pre- 


li 


iBuQlisb  laait  anO  Ibumor  201 

decessors  the  paltry  sum  of  jCso  per  annum  only, 
although  the  living  brings  in  above  ^300." 

"  Don't  enlarge,  Mr.  Patten,"  said  the  archbishop. 

"  No,  but  I  hope  your  grace  wi//,"  rejoined  the 
curate. 

Patten  long  refused  to  read  the  Athanasian  Creed. 
The  archdeacon,  reproving  him  for  that  omission,  told 
him  that  his  grace  the  archbishop  read  it. 

"That  maybe,"  answered  Patten.  '-Perhaps  he 
may  believe  it,  but  I  don't.  He  believes  at  the  rate 
of  ^7000  per  annum,  I  at  that  of  less  than  jCso.'^ 

In  his  last  illness.  Patten  was  in  great  distress, 
which  Dr.  Seeker  hearing,  sent  him  ten  guineas 
(angels)  by  the  archdeacon,  to  whom  he  made  the 
following  acknowledgment :  "  Thank  his  grace  most 
heartily,  and  tell  him  now  I  know  him  to  be  a  man  of 
God,  for  I  have  seen  his  good  angels^      [11] 

Daylight ! 

A  sailor,  in  describing  the  first  efforts  to  become 
nautical,  said  that  just  at  the  close  of  a  dark  night  he 
was  sent  aloft  to  see  if  he  could  see  a  light.  As  he 
was  no  great  favorite  with  the  lieutenant  he  was  not 
hailed  for  some  hours. 

"Aloft  there?"  at  length  was  heard  from  the 
lieutenant. 

"  Ay,  ay,  sir  !  " 

"  Do  you  see  a  light  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  What  light?" 

"  Daylight,  by  jingo." 

A  Madman  Saved  from   Starvation  by  a  Doctor's 

Vv'it 

In  a  lunatic  asylum,  among  the  more  remarkable 
patients,  was  one  who  was  with  much  difficulty  saved 
from  inflicting  death  upon  himself  by  refusing  to  take 
any  food.  He  was  under  the  impression  that  he  was 
dead,  and  declared  that  dead  people  never  eat. 

It  was  obvious  to  all  that  the  issue  must  scon  be 
I  fatal  if  no  plan  was  found  out  to  disabuse  him  of  the 
absurd  notion. 


202  lEnflUeb  TXait  auD  Ibumor 

The  humane  doctor  resident  in  the  establishment 
bethought  him  of  the  following  stratagem  to  save  the 
madman's  life.  He  got  half  a  dozen  of  the  attendants 
dressed  up  in  white  shrouds  and  their  faces  and  hands 
rubbed  with  chalk,  so  as  to  resemble  dead  men.  He 
then  made  them  march  in  single  file,  with  death-like 
silence  into  a  room  adjoining  that  of  the  patient, 
where  they  sat  down  to  a  hearty  meal.  The  door  was 
purposely  left  open,  that  the  man  who  thought  he  was 
dead  might  see  them. 

"  Hallo  !  "  cried  he  presently,  to  an  attendant,  "  who 
are  these?  " 

"  Dead  men,"  was  the  reply. 

"What!"   said  he.     "  Do  dead  men  eat  ?  " 

"To  be  sure  they  do,  as  you  see,"  answered  the 
attendant. 

"  If  that's  the  case,  then,"  cried  he,  "  I'll  join  them, 
for  I'm  starving." 

In  this  way  the  spell  was  instantly  broken,  and  the 
patient  saved  from  death  bj-  voluntary  starvation 

Rochester's  Wit  Capped  by  Charles  II's  Humor 
The  witty  Earl  of  Rochester,  the  favorite  of  Charles 
II,  one  day  had  the  audacity  to  inscril)e  the  following 
epigram  on  the  door  of  tht  king's  bed-chamber : 

"  Here  lies  our  sovereign  lord  the  king. 

Whose  word  no  man  relies  on  ;  j 

Who  never  said  a  foolish  thing,  ; 

And  never  did  a  wise  one." 

When  the  king  read  the  inscription,  "True."s«id 
he;  "my  sayings  are  my  own.  but  my  doings  are- 
those  of  my  ministers." 

'  Ecclesiastical  Learning  in  the  Time  of  Charles  I 
The  Assembly  of  Divines,  who,  in  the  time  of 
Charles  I,  were  appointed  at  Westminster  to  regulate 
the  ecclesiastical  government,  and  all  matters  of 
religion,  consisted  of  a  mixture  of  laymen  and  divines, 
Episcopalians,  Independents  and  Presbyterians.  For 
the  most  part,  they  were  men  of  little  parts  and  as 
little    learning,  and    Selden,  who  was  one  of  the  lay- 


jenglisb  liClit  anD  Ibumoc  203 

members,  used  to  take  great  delight  in  puzzling  them 
by  questions  ana  objections  beyond  their  under- 
standing. 

A  writer  of  that  period,  who  was  well  acquainted 
with  them  and  their  proceedings,  gives  this  account  of 
Selden  and  the  Assembly  :  "  Mr.  Selden  visits  them 
as  the  Persians  used  to  see  wild  asses  fight :  when 
the  Commons  have  tired  him  with  their  new  law, 
these  brethren  refresh  him  with  their  mad  gospel. 
They  lately  were  graveled  betwixt  Jerusalem  and 
Jericho;  they  knew  not  the  distance  between  those 
two  places — one  said  twenty  miles,  another  ten,  and 
at  last  it  was  concluded  to  be  seven,  for  this  strange 
reason,  that  fish  was  brought  from  Jericho  to  Jerusa- 
lem market.  Mr.  Selden  smiled,  and  said  perhaps 
the  fish  was  salt,  and  so  stopped  their  mouths."  [ii] 
Sydney  Smith's  Description  of  Curates 

A  curate — there  is  something  which  excites  com- 
passion in  the  very  name  of  a  curate  I  I  I  How  many 
n:en  of  Purple,  Palaces  and  Preferment,  can  let  him- 
self loose  against  this  poor  working  man  of  God,  we 
are  at  a  loss  to  conceive — a  learned  man  in  a  hovel, 
with  sermons  and  saucepans,  lexicons  and  bacon, 
Hebrew  books  and  ragged  children— good  and  patient 
— a  comforter  and  a  preacher — the  first  and  purest 
pauper  in  the  hamlet,  and  yet  showing  that,  in  the 
midst  of  his  worldly  misery,  he  has  the  heart  of  a 
gentleman,  and  the  spirit  of  a  Christian,  and  the 
kindness  of  a  pastor ;  and  this  man  though  he  has 
exercised  the  duties  of  a  clergyman  for  twenty  years 
— though  he  has  most  ample  testimonies  of  conduct 
from  clergymen  as  respectable  as  any  bishop — though 
an  archbishop  add  his  name  to  the  list  of  witnesses, 
is  not  good  enough  for  Bishop  Marsh  ;  but  is  pushed 
out  in  the  street,  with  his  wife  and  children,  and  his 
little  furniture,  to  surrender  his  honor,  his  faith,  his 
conscience  and  his  learning — or  to  starve  !  .  .  . 
Men  of  very  small  incomes,  be  it  known  to  his  lord- 
ship, have  very  often  very  acute  feelings  ;  and  a 
curate  trod  on  feels  a  pang  as  great  as  when  a  bishop 
is  refuted.     [2] 


204  BnoUeb  "Ullit  anO  Ibumoc 

A  School  for  Adults 

In  Thomas  Hood's  time  there  were,  of  course,  no 
board  schools.  Amongst  the  foundations  for  the  pro- 
motion of  national  education.  Hood  had  heard  of 
schools  for  adults  ;  but  he  doubted  of  their  existence. 
It  seemed  too  whimsical  to  contemplate 
fathers  and  venerable  grandfathers,  emulating  the 
infant  generation,  and  seeking  for  instruction  in  the 
rudiments.  .  .  .  The  picture  (wrote  Hood)  not- 
withstanding is  realized  !  Elderh*  people  seem  to 
have  considered  that  they  will  be  as  awkwardly  situ- 
ated in  the  other  world,  as  here,  without  their  alphabet 
— and  schools  for  grown  persons  to  learn  to  read  are 
no  more  Utopian  than  New  Harmony.  The  following 
letter  from  an  old  gentleman,  whose  education  had 
been  neglected,  confirms  me  in  the  fact.  It  is  copied 
verbatim  ad  literativi  from  the  original  which  fell 
into  my  hands  by  accident : 

Black  Heath,  November,  1827. 

Deer  Brother,— My  honnered  Parents  being  Both 
desist  I  feal  my  deuty  to  give  you  Sum  Acount  of  the 
Proggress  I  have  maid  in  my  studdys  since  last  Voca- 
tion. You  will  be  gratefied  to  hear  I  am  at  the  Hed 
of  my  Class,  and  Tom  Hodges  is  at  its  bottom,  tho 
He  was  Seventy  last  Burth  Day,  and  I  am  onely  going 
on  for  Three  Skore.  I  have  begun  Gografy,  and  do 
exsizes  on  the  Globs.  In  figgers  I  am  all  most  out 
the  fore  Simples  and  going  into  Compounds  next 
weak.  In  the  mean  time  hop  you  will  aprove  my 
Hand  riting  as  well  as  my  spelling,  witch  I  have  took 
grate  panes  with,  as  you  desired.  As  for  the  French 
Tung  Mr.  Legender  says  I  shall  soon  get  the  pronoun- 
ciation  as  well  as  a  Parishiner,  but  the  Master  thinks 
its  not  advisible  to  begin  Lattin  at  my  advanced  ears. 

With  respecks  to  my  Pearsonal  comfits  I  am  verry 
happy  and  midling  Well,  xcept  the  old  Cumplant  in 
my  To — but  the  Master  is  so  kind  as  to  let  me  have  a 
Cushion  for  my  feat.  If  their  is  any  thing  to  cumplane 
of  its  the  Vittles.  Our  Cook  don't  understand  Maid 
dishe.  Her  Currys  is  xcrabble.  Tom  Hodges'  Foot 
Man  brings  him  Evry  Day  soop  from  Birches.    I  wish 


JEuQlisb  van  anD  Ibumor  205 

you  providid  me  the  same.  On  the  hole  I  wish  on 
inenny  Acounts  I  was  a  Day  border  partickly  as 
Barlow  sleeps  in  our  Room  and  coffs  all  nite  long. 
His  brother's  Ashmy  is  wus  then  his.  He  has  took 
lately  to  snuff  and  I  have  wishes  to  do  the  like.  It's 
very  dull  after  Supper  since  Mr.  Grierson  took  away 
the  fellers  Pips,  and  forbid  smocking,  and  allmost 
raized  a  Riot  on  that  hed,  and  some  of  the  Boys  was 
to  have  Been  horst  for  it.  I  am  happy  (to)  say  I  have 
never  been  fioged  as  yet  and  onely  Caind  once,  and 
that  was  for  damming  at  the  Cook's  chops  becous 
they  was  so  overdun,  but  there  was  to  have  been  fore 
Wiped  yeaster  day  for  playing  Wist  in  skool  hours, 
but  was  Begd  off  on  account  of  their  Lumbargo. 

I  am  sorry  to  say  Ponder  has  had  another  Stroak  of 
the  perrylaticks  and  has  no  Use  of  his  Lims.  He  is 
Parrs  fag — and  Parr  has  got  the  Roomytix  bysides 
very  bad  but  luckly  its  onely  stiffind  one  Arm  so  he 
has  still  Hops  to  get  the  Star  for  Heliocution.  Poor 
Dick  Coombs  eye  site  has  quite  gone,  or  he  would 
have  a  good  chance  for  the  Silvur  Pen. 

Mundy  was  one  of  the  Feller's  Burths  Days  and  we 
was  to  have  a  hole  Holiday,  but  he  dyed  sudnly  over 
nite  of  the  appoplxy,  and  disappinted  us  very  much. 
Two  moor  was  fetcht  home  last  Weak  so  that  we  are 
getting  very  thin  partickly  when  we  go  out  Wauking, 
witch  is  seldom  more  than  three  at  a  time,  their  is 
allways  so  menny  in  the  nusry.  I  forgot  to  say  Garrat 
run  off  a  month  ago,  he  got  verry  Home-sick  ever 
since  his  Grandchilderen  cum  to  sea  him  at  skool, — 
Mr.  Grierson  has  expeld  him  for  running  away. 

On  Tuesday  a  new  Schollard  cum.  He  is  a  very 
old  crusty  Chap  and  not  much  lick'd,  for  that  resin, 
by  the  rest  of  the  Boys,  whom  all  Teas  him,  and  call 
him  Phig,  because  he  is  a  retired  Grosser.  Mr. 
Grierson  declind  another  New  Boy  because  he  hadn't 
had  the  Mizzles.  I  have  red  Gay's  Febbles,  and  the 
other  books  you  were  so  kind  to  send  me — and  would 
be  glad  of  moor  partickly  the  Gentlemans,  with  a 
Welsh  Whig  and  a  Worming  Pan,  when  you  foreward 
my  Closebox  with   my  clean   Lining,  like  wise  sum 


206  lEncilisb  "Uait  an?  Ibumoc 

moor  Fleasy  Hosliery  for  my  legs,  and  the  Cardmums 
I  rit  for  with  the  French  Grammar,  &c.  Also  weather 
I  am  to  Dance  next  quarter.  The  Gimnystacks  is 
being  interdeuced  into  our  Skool,  but  is  soVoilent  no 
one  follows  them  but  Old  Parr  and  He  cant  get  up 
his  Pole. 

I  have  no  more  to  rit,  but  hop  this  letter  will  find 
you  as  Well  as  me ;  Mr.  Grierson  is  in  Morning  for 
Mr.  Linly  Murry,  of  whose  loss  you  have  herd  of — 
xcept  which  he  is  in  Quite  good  Helth  and  desires  his 
Respective  Complements  with  witch  I  remane,  Your 

DEUTIFUL  AND  LOVING  BROTHER. 

P.  S. — Barlow  and  Phigg  have  just  had  a  fite  in  the 
yard  about  calling  names  and  Phegg  has  pegged 
Barlows  tooth  out,  But  it  was  loose  before.  Mr.  G. 
dont  allow  Puglism,  if  he  nose  it  among  the  Boys,  as 
at  their  Times  of  lifes  it  might  be  fatle,  partickly  from 
puling  their  Coats  of  in  the  open  Are. 

Our  new  Husher  his  cum  and  is  verry  well  Red  in 
his  Mother's  tung,  witch  is  the  mane  thing  with 
Beginers.  but  We  wish  the  Frentch  Master  was 
changed  on  Acount  of  his  Pollyticks  and  Religun. 
Brassbrige  and  him  is  always  Squabling  about  Bonny- 
party  and  the  Pop  of  Room.  Has  for  Barlow  we  cant 
tell  weather  He  is  a  Wig  or  Tory,  for  he  cant  express 
his  Sentymints  for  Coffing.      [31] 

Sydney  Smith's  Description  of  the  Irish    Clergy 

The  revenue  of  the  Irish  Roman  Catholic  Church  is 
made  of  halfpence,  potatoes,  rags,  bones,  and  frag- 
ments of  old  clothes,  and  those — Irish  old  clothes. 
They  worship  often  in  hovels,  or  in  the  open  air,  from 
the  Zi'a7it  of  any  place  of  worship.  Their  religion  is 
the  religion  of  three-fourths  of  the  population  !  Not 
far  oflf,  in  a  well-windowed  and  well-roofed  house,  is 
a  well-paid  Protestant  clergyman,  preaching  to  stools 
and  hassocks,  and  cr>'ing  z«  the  wilderness  ;  near  him 
the  clerk,  near  hivi  the  sexton,  near  hiyyi  the  sexton's 
wife — furious  against  the  errors  of  Popery,  and  willing 
to  lay  down  their  lives  for  the  great  truths  established 
at  the  Diet  of  Augsburg.      [2] 


Bnalisb  lUit  anD  tbumor  207 

A  Typical  Wooer 
It  was  a  youug  maiden  went  forth  to  ride, 
And  there  was  a  wooer  to  pace  by  her  side ; 
His  horse  was  so  little  and  hers  so  high, 
He  thought  his  angel  was  up  in  the  sky. 
His  love  was  great  tho'  his  wit  was  small ; 
He  bade  her  ride  easy— and  that  was  all. 
The  very  horses  began  to  neigh — 
Because  their  betters  had  nought  to  say. 
They  rode  by  elm,  and  they  rode  by  oak, 
They  rode  by  a  churchyard,  and  then  he  spoke  : 
"  My  pretty  maiden,  if  you'll  agree, 
You  shall  always  amble  through  life  with  me." 
The  damsel  answer'd  him  never  a  word, 
But  kicked  the  grey  mare,  and  away  she  spurr'd. 
The  wooer  still  follow'd  behind  the  jade  ; 
And  enjoyed — like  a  wooer — the  dust  she  made. 
They  rode  thro'  moss,  and  they  rode  thro'  moor, 
Tlie  gallant  behind,  and  the  lass  before  : — 
And  at  last  they  came  to  a  miry  place, 
And  there  the  sad  wooer  gave  up  the  chase. 
Quoth  he,  "  If  my  nag  were  better  to  ride, 
I'd  follow  her  over  the  world  so  wide. 
Oh.  //  is  not  my  love  that  begins  to  fail, 
But  I've  lost  the  last  glimpse  of  the  grey  mare's 
tail!"      [31] 

A  Gallant  Schoolboys  Clever  Toast 
The  Girls  I  May  they  add  charity  to  beauty,  sub- 
tract envy  from  friendship,  nmltiply  genial  affections, 
divide  time  by  industry-  and  recreation,  reduce  scan- 
dal to  its  lowest  denominator,  and  raise  virtue  to  its 
highest  power, 

Sheridan's  Ability  Doubted  by  His  Son 
The  late  R.  Brinsley  Sheridan  threatened  to  cut  his 
son  off  with  a  shilling.  He  immediately  replied: 
"Ah,  father,  but  where  will  you  borrow  that  shilling  ?  " 
This  humor,  so  like  his  own,  procured  the  desired 
pardon. 


/ 

208  EtiGlisb  limit  anD  tbumor 

Sydney  Smith  on  Official  Accuracy  (Couleur  de 
"  Rose  ") 
The  term  official  accuracy  has  of  late  days  become 
one  of  very  ambiguous  import.  Mr.  Rose,  we  can 
see,  would  implj-  by  it  the  highest  possible  accuracy 
— as  we  see  office  pens  advertised  in  the  window  of  a 
shop,  by  way  of  excellence.  The  public  reports  of 
those,  however,  Avho  have  been  appointed  to  look  into 
the  manner  in  which  public  offices  are  conducted,  by 
no  means  justify  this  usage  of  the  term  ;  and  we  are 
not  without  apprehensions  that  Dutch  politeness,  Car- 
thaginian faith,  Bcieotian  genius,  and  official  accuracy 
may  be  terms  equally  current  in  the  world  ;  and  that 
Mr.  Rose  may,  without  intending  it.  have  contributed 
to  make  this  valuable  addition  to  the  mass  of  our 
ironical  phraseology.      [2] 

"  I'd  Like  to  be  a  Parson  !  " 
A  curate  once  did  a  good  thing  in  his  way.     While 
walking  along  the  street  at  the  dinner  hour  he  passed 
a  lot  of  bricklayers  smoking  their  after-dinner  pipe, 
and  heard  one  of  them  say  : 

"  I'd  like  to  be  a  parson,  and  have  naught  to 
do  but  walk  about  in  a  long  black  coat,  and 
carry  a  walking  stick  in  my  fist,  and  get  a  lot  of 
brass." 

Of  course  there  was  a  laugh  at  the  parsons' s  expense, 
but  he  turned  sharp  round  and  replied  : 

"  So  you'd  like  to  be  a  parson.  How  much  do  you 
get  a  week  ?  ' ' 

"  Twenty-seven  shillings,''  was  the  reply. 

"Well,"  said  the  curate,  "though  I'm  only  a  poor 
man,  I'll  give  you  twenty-seven  shillings,  if  you'll 
come  along  with  me  for  six  days,  and  see  how  you 
like  it.     Then  you'll  be  better  able  to  talk  about  it." 

The  bricklayer  tried  to  back  out  of  it,  but  his  mates 
told  him  :  "  Nay  man,  thou  saidst  thou'd  like  it ; 
thou  mun  go  with  the  parson  chap." 

So  he  put  on  his  coat  and  started  with  the  curate, 
amidst  a  roar  of  laughter.  The  parson  presently 
turned  down  an  alley,  and  told  his   companion  that 


Bncjiisb  'Mil  an&  Ibumor  '209 

they  were  going  to  see  a  sick  man,  and  that  he  must 
mind  not  to  make  a  noise  going  upstairs. 

"  What  might  be  the  matter  with  him  ?  "  asked  the 
bricklayer. 

''  Sraall-pox  !  "  said  the  parson. 

"Oh.  then,"  said  the  man,  "  I'll  just  wait  outside 
for  you,  sir,  for  I've  not  had  it  myself,  and  I've  got  a 
wife  and  children  to  think  of." 

"  That's  exactly  my  case,"  said  the  curate  ;  "  for  I 
have  not  had  it,  and  I  have  a  wife  and  children 
depending  on  me.  But  you  agreed  to  come  with  me 
wherever  I  went." 

The  man  of  bricks  began  not  to  like  it,  and  after  a 
moment's  hesitation  he  asked  :  "  And  where  are  you 
going  next  ?" 

The  parson  told  him  they  would  have  to  visit  another 
house  that  day,  where  the  father  lay  in  his  coffin,  and 
all  the  family  were  down  with  scarlet  fever,  and 
also  a  house  where  there  was  typhus,  and  on  the  mor- 
row there  would  be  a  longer  round.  This  floored  the 
bricklayer. 

"  Sir,"  he  said,  "  I'll  go  back  to  my  old  job,  if  you 
please,  and  I'll  say  no  more  agin  you  parsons." 

So  ofif  he  went,  and,  let  us  hope,  he  kept  his  word. 

Difference  Between  a  "  Board  "  and  a  "  Bench  " 

A  dissenting  minister  once  complaining  of  the 
dealing'  he  met  with  from  an  ecclesiastical  board,  to 
Rowland  Hill,  observed  that  "for  his  part  he  did  not 
see  the  difference  between  a  board  and  a  bench,  mean- 
ing that  the  rule  of  his  board  was  as  stringent  as  that 
of  the  bishops. 

"  Pardon  me,  my  friend,"  replied  Hill,  "  I  will 
show  you  a  most  essential  difference  between  the  two  ; 
a  board  is  a  bench  that  has  no  legs  to  stand  tipon.''''    [i  i] 

A  Tribute  to  Scotch  Frugality 
Boswell  observing  to  Johnson  that  there  was  no 
instance  of  a  beggar  dying  in  the  streets  of  Scotland, 
"  I  believe,  sir,  you  are  very  right,"  says  Johnson  ; 
"  but  this  does  not  arise  from  the  want  of  beggars,  but 
the  difficulty  of  starving  a  Scotchman."  [22] 
11 


210  jetiQlisb  imit  anD  Ibumor 

Charles  II  Floored  by  Stillingfleet 

Charles  II  was  altogether  in  favor  of  extempora- 
neous preaching,  and  was  unwilling  to  listen  to  the 
delivery  of  written  sermons.  On  one  occasion  he 
asked  the  famous  Stillingfleet  how  it  was  that  he 
always  read  his  sermons  before  the  court,  when  he 
preached  without  book  elsewhere  ? 

Stillingfleet  answered  something  about  the  awe  of 
so  noble  a  congregation  and  the  presence  of  so  great 
and  wise  a  prince,  with  which  the  king  appeared  very 
well  satisfied. 

"But  pray,"  continued  Stillingfleet,  "will  your 
majesty  give  me  leave  to  ask  you  a  question  ?  Why 
do  you  read  your  speeches  when  you  can  have  none 
of  the  same  reasons  ?  " 

"Why,  truly,  doctor,"  answered  the  king,  "your 
speech  is  a  very  pertinent  one,  and  so  will  be  my 
answer.  I  have  asked  the  two  Houses  so  often,  and 
for  so  much  money,  that  I  am  ashamed  to  look  them 
in  the  face." 

Witty  Impromptu 

Three  or  four  wits  had  dmcd  together,  and  while 
taking  their  wine,  the  subject  of  impromptu,  and  the 
difficulty  of  finding  rhymes  for  certain  names,  was 
discussed. 

A  general  of  brigade  named  Morris,  who  was  also  a 
poet,  challenged  any  of  the  party  to  find  a  rhyme  for 
his  name. 

The  challenge  was  accepted  by  an  actor  present, 

named  Brougham,  and  the  following  was  the  result: 

"  All  hail  to  thee,  thou  gifted  son, 

The  warrior-poet,  Morris  ; 

'Tis  seldom  that  we  see  in  one, 

A  Caesar  and  a  Horace." 

"  Agricultural "  Boys 
Some  one  was  praising  the  British  public  schools  to 
Charles  Lamb,  and  said:  "All  our  best  men  were 
public  school  men.  Look  at  our  poets.  There's 
Byron,  he  was  a  Harrow  boy — "  "Yes,"  interrupted 
Charles,  "  and  there's  Burns — he  was  a  ploughboy." 


Bnglisb  TlUit  anO  Dumor  211 

How  a  Preacher  both  Broke  and  Kept  His  Promise 
The  Rev.  Mr.  Adams,  of  Leominster,  was  an  eccen- 
tric character.  A  neighboring  minister— a  mild,  inof- 
fensive man — with  whom  he  was  about  to  exchange, 
said  to  him,  knowing  the  peculiar  bluntness  of  his 
character — "  You  will  find  some  panes  of  glass  broken 
in  the  pulpit  window,  and  possibly  you  may  suffer 
from  the  cold.  The  cushion,  too,  is  in  a  bad  condi- 
tion ;  but  I  beg  of  you  not  to  say  anxlhing  to  my 
people  on  the  subject  ;  they  are  poor,"  etc. 

"  Oh,  no  !  Oh,  no  !  "  said  Mr.  Adams.  But  ere  he 
left  home,  he  filled  a  bag  with  rags,  and  took  it  with 
him.  When  he  had  been  in  the  pulpit  a  short  time, 
feeling  somewhat  incommoded  by  the  too  free  circula- 
tion of  air,  he  deliberately  took  from  the  bag  a  handful 
or  two  of  rags,  and  stuffed  them  into  the  window. 
Towards  the  close  of  his  discourse,  which  was  more 
or  less  upon  the  duties  of  a  people  towards  their 
clergyman,  he  became  very  animated,  and  purposely 
brought  down  both  fists  with  a  tremendous  force  upon 
the  pulpit  cushion.  The  feathers  flew  in  all  directions, 
and  the  cushion  was  pretty  much  used  up.  He 
instantly  checked  the  current  of  his  thought,  and 
simply  exclaiming,  ''Why,  how  these  feathers  fly!" 
proceeded  with  his  sermon.  He  had  fulfilled  his 
promise  of  not  addressing  the  society  on  the  subject, 
but  had  taught  them  a  lesson  not  to  be  misunderstood. 
On  the  next  Sabbath  the  window  and  cushion  were 
found  in  excellent  repair,      [ii] 

Tom  Sheridan's  Adventure 

Tom  Sheridan  was  staying  at  Lord  Craven's  at 
Benham  (or  rather  Hampstead),  and  one  day  pro- 
ceeded on  a  shooting  excursion,  like  Hawthorne,  with 
only  "  his  dog  and  his  gun,"  on  foot,  and  unattended 
by  companion  or  keeper  ;  the  sport  was  bad — the  birds 
few  and  shy — and  he  walked  and  walked  in  search  of 
game,  until,  unconsciously,  he  entered  the  domain  of 
some  neighboring  squire. 

A  very  short  time  after,  he  perceived  advancing 
toward  him  at  the  top  of  his  speed,    a  jolly,    comfort- 


212  Bnglisb  liait  anD  Ibumor 

able-looking  gentleman,  followed  by  a  servant,  armed, 
as  it  appeared,  for  conflict.  Tom  took  up  a  position, 
and  waited  the  approach  of  the  enemy. 

"Hallo!  you,  sir,"  said  the  squire,  when  within 
half  earshot,  "  what  are  you  doing  here,  sir,  eh  ?  " 

"  I'm  shooting  sir,"  said  Tom. 

"Do  you  know  where  you  are,  sir?"  said  the 
squire. 

"  I'm  here,  sir,"  said  Tom. 

"  Here,  sir,"  said  the  squire,  growing  angry  ;  "  and 
do  you  know  where  here  is,  sir?"  These,  sir,  are  wy 
manors  ;  what  d'ye  you  think  of  that,  sir,  eh  ?" 

"Why,  sir,  as  to  your  manners,"  said  Tom,  "I 
can't  say  they  seem  over  agreeable." 

"  I  don't  want  any  jokes,  sir,"  said  the  squire.  "  I 
hate  jokes.     Who  are  you,  sir?— what  are  you?" 

"Why  sir,"  said  Tom,  "my  name  is  Sheridan — I 
am  staying  at  Lord  Craven's — I  have  come  out  for 
some  sport — I  have  not  had  any,  and  I  am  not  aware 
that  I  am  trespassing." 

"  Sheridan  I  "  said  the  squire,  cooling  a  little  ;  "  Oh, 
from  Lord  Craven's,  eh  ?  Well,  sir,  I  could  not  know 
that,  sir,— I—" 

"  No,  sir,"  said  Tom,  "  but  you  need  not  have  been 
in  a  passion."  ^ 

"  Not  in  a  passion  !  Mr.  Sheridan,"  said  the  squire,  % 

"  you  don't  know,  sir,  what  these  preserves  have  cost  f 

me,  and  the  pains   and  trouble   I   have  been  at  with  | 

them  ;  it's  all   very  well   for  you  to  talk,  but  if  you  •> 

were   in  my  place   I  should  like  to  know  what  yoti  ;, 

would  say  upon  such  an  occasion."  ]• 

"  Why,  sir,"  said  Tom,  "  if  I   were   in  your  place,  | 

under  all  the  circumstances,  I  should  say,   '  I  am  con-  j' 

vinced,  Mr.  Sheridan,  you  did  not  mean  to  annoy  me  ;  i; 

and  as  you  look  a  good  deal  tired,   perhaps  you  will  | 

come  up  to  my  house  and  take  some  refreshment ! '  "  ^ 

The  squire  was  hard  hit  by  this  nonchalance,  and 
(as  the  newspapers  say),  "  it  is  needless  to  add," 
acted  on  Sheridan's  suggestion. 

"  So  far,"  said  poor  Tom,  "  the  story  tells  for  me— 
now  you  shall  hear  the  sequel." 


Bnfllisb  van  anD  tbumov  213 

After  having  regaled  himself  at  the  squire's  house, 
and  having  said  five  hundred  more  good  things  than 
he  swallowed  ;  having  delighted  his  host,  and  more 
than  half  won  the  hearts  of  his  wife  and  daughters, 
the  sportsman  proceeded  on  his  return  homewards. 

In  the  course  of  his  walk  he  crossed  a  farm,  on 
which  was  a  green,  in  the  centre  of  which  was  a  pond  ; 
in  the  pond  were  ducks  innumerable  swimming  and 
diving  ;  on  its  verdant  banks  a  motley  group  of  gallant 
cocks  and  pert  partlets,  picking  and  feeding.  The 
farmer  was  leaning  over  the  hatch  of  the  barn,  w^hich 
stood  near  two  cottages  on  the  side  of  the  green. 

Tom  hated  to  go  back  with  an  empty  bag  ;  and  hav- 
ing failed  in  his  attempts  at  higher  game,  it  struck 
him  as  a  good  joke  to  ridicule  the  exploits  of  the  day 
himself,  in  order  to  prevent  anyone  else  from  doing  it 
for  him,  and  he  thought  that  to  carry  home  a  certain 
number  of  the  domestic  inhabitants  of  the  pond  and 
its  vicinity  would  serve  the  purpose  admirably. 
Accordingly,  up  he  goes  to  the  farmer  and  accosts  him 
civilly. 

"My  good  friend,"  says  Tom,  "I'll  make  you  an 
offer."' 

"  Of  what,  sir  ?  "  says  the  farmer. 

"Why,"  replies  Tom,  "  I've  been  out  all  day  fag- 
ging after  birds  and  haven't  had  a  shot.  Now,  both 
my  barrels  are  loaded — I  should  like  to  take  home 
something  ;  what  shall  I  give  you  to  let  me  have  a  shot 
wath  each  barrel  at  those  ducks  and  fowls — I  standing 
here — and  to  have  whatever  I  kill  ?  " 

"  What  sort  of  shot  are  you  ?  "  said  the  farmer. 

"Fairish,"  said  Tom,  "fairish." 

"  And  to  haveaW  you  kill  ?  "  said  the  farmer,  "  eh  ?  " 

"  Exactly  so,"  said  Tom. 

"  Half  a  guinea,"  said  the  farmer. 

"  That's  too  much,"  said  Tom.  "  I'll  tell  you  what 
I'll  do — I'll  give  you  a  seven-shilling  piece,  which 
happens  to  be  all  the  money  I  have  in  my  pocket." 

"  Well,"  said  the  man,  "  hand  it  over." 

The  payment  was  made — Tom,  true  to  his  bargain, 
took  his  post  by  the  barn  door,  and   let  fly  with  one 


214  BtiQlisb  van  anD  Ibumor 

barrel  and  then  with  the  other,  and  such  quacking 
and  splashing,  and  screaming  and  fluttering  had  never 
been  seen  in  that  place  before. 

Away  ran  Tom  and,  delighted  at  his  success,  picked 

up  first  a  hen,  then  a  chicken,  then  fished  out  a  dying 

duck    or  two,   and  so  on,  until   he   numbered    eight 

head  of  domestic  game,  with  which  his  bag  was  nobly 

/4i§tended. 

"  Those  were  right  good  shots,  sir,"  said  the  farmer. 

"  Yes,"  said  Tom,  "  eight  ducks  and  fowls  were 
more  than  you  bargained  for,  old  fellow — worth  rather 
more,  I  suspect,  than  seven  shillings,  eh  ?  " 

"  Why,  yes,"  said  the  man,  scratching  his  head,  "  I 
think  they  be  ;  but  what  do  I  care  for  that— /hey  are 
none  of  mine  !  " 

"  Here,"  said  Tom,  "  I  was  for  once  in  my  life 
beaten  and  made  off  as  fast  as  I  could,  for  fear  the 
right  owner  of  my  game  might  make  his  appearance — 
not  but  that  I  could  have  given  the  fellow  that  took 
me  in  seven  times  as  much  as  I  did,  for  his  cunning 
and  coolness."      [28] 

A  Prisoner  Pleading  for  His  Lawyer 

Judge:  "Have  you  anything  to  say  before  the 
court  passes  sentence  upon  you  ?  ' ' 

Prisoner:  "Well,  all  I've  to  say  is,  I  hope  yer 
honor'll  consider  the  extreme  youth  of  my  lawyer,  an' 
me  off  easy." 

Using  His  "Wit  to  Hide  His  Ignorance 

The  clerk  of  a  retired  parish  in  North  West  Devon, 
who  had  to  read  the  first  lesson,  always  used  to  make 
a  hash  of  Shadrach,  Meshack  and  Abednego  ;  and,  as 
the  names  are  twelve  times  repeated  in  the  third 
chapter  of  Daniel,  after  getting  through  with  them  the 
first  time,  he  afterwards  styled  them  the  "  aforesaid 
gentlemen."      [11] 

"What  the  "Waits  Ought  to  Do  on  Boxing  Day 

Hartley,  the  eminent  actor,  was  called  upon  by  the 
midnight  minstrels  on  the  morning  of  Boxing  Day. 

"  We  are  the  parish  waits,  an'  please  you,"  said  the 
spokesman,  "  we  played  before  your  door  last  night." 


lEnQUsb  Tiiait  anD  Ibumor  215 

"  You  did,  indeed,"  was  his  reply  in  mournful 
tones  ;  and  he  looked  upon  his  visitors  with  the  air  of 
a  man  who  knew  not  their  errand. 

"  We  have  come  to  hope,  sir,"  went  on  the  clarionet, 
"  for  your  kind  contribution." 

"  Oh,  dear,"  said  Hartley,  with  affected  surprise, 
**  I  thought  you  had  come  to  apologize." 

Native  Wit  versus  Norman  Blood 

Not  long  since  a  certain  noble  peer  in  Yorksliire, 
who  is  fond  of  boasting  of  his  Xorman  descent,  thus 
addressed  one  of  his  tenants  who,  he  thought,  was  not 
speaking  to  him  with  proper  respect. 

"  Do  you  not  know  that  my  ancestors  came  over 
with  William  the  Conqueror?  " 

"And,  mayhaps,"  retorted  the  sturdy  Saxon, 
nothing  daunted,  "  that  they  found  mine  here  when 
they  comed." 

The  noble  lord  felt  that  he  had  the  worst  of  it. 

Johnson's  Definition  of  Music 
A  lady,  after  performing  with  the  most  brilliant 
execution,  a  sonata  on  the  pianoforte  in  the  presence 
of  Dr.  Johnson,  turning  to  the  philosopher,  took  the 
liberty  of  asking  him  if  he  was  fond  of  music?  "  No 
madam,"  replied  the  doctor;  '"but  of  all  noises  I 
think  music  is  the  least  disagreeable." 

Anxious  to  Put  in  a  Good  Word 

A  favorite  story  was  told  i^y  Douglas  Jerrold  of  the 
footboy  who  accompanied  him  on  his  trip  to  L^rby- 
shire.  At  the  inn  at  Matlock,  "  master  "  was  praising 
a  glass  of  port,  when  the  boy  chimed  in,  glad  to  hear 
the  hotel  praised  : 

"  Please,  sir,  I  thinks  they  makes  their  own  port. 
I  know  they  brews."       [25] 

Clever  Contrivance  to  Obtain  a  Warm  Seat 
A  gentleman  came  into  an  inn  at  Chelmsford  upon 
a  ver\'  cold  day  and  could  get  no  room  near  the  fire ; 
r/hcreupon  he  called  to  the   ostler  to  fetch  a  peck  of 
oysters  and  give  them  to  his  horse. 


216  jen^lisb  Umit  anD  Ibumor 

**  Will  your  horse  eat  oj^sters  ?  "   replied  the  ostler. 

"Try  him,"  said  the  gentleman. 

Immediately,  the  people  running  to  see  this  won- 
der, the  fireside  was  cleared  and  the  gentleman  had  his 
choice  of  the  seats.  The  ostler  brought  back  the  oysters 
and  said  the  horse  would  not  meddle  with  them. 

"Why,  then,"  says  the  gentleman,  "I  must  be 
forced  to  eat  them  myself." 

An  Exposed  Intellect 

Sydney    Smith    observed    how    many    of   the  most 

eminent  men   of  the   world  had  been  diminutive   in 

person  ;  and  after  naming  several  among  the  ancients, 

he  added,  "Why,  look  there  at  Jeffrey,  and  there  is 

my  little  friend  ,   who  has   not  body  enough  to 

cover  his  mind  decently  with  ;  his  intellect  is  improp- 
erly exposed."      [2] 

The  Shortest  Grace 
A  discussion  arose  between  three  boys  as  to  whose 

father  said  the  shortest  grace.     The  first  boy  said, 

"  My  father  says  '  Thank  God  ! '  " 

"  Oh  !  "  said  the  second,  "  mine  says  '  Amen  ! '  " 
The  third  said,  "Ah,  but  mine  's  the  best  of  all; 

he  just  pushes  his  plate  away,  and  says  '  There  .f  " 

Fine  Air — But  Not  Fine  Enough 
A  bishop  congratulating  a  poor  parson,  said  he  lived 

in  a  fine  air. 

"  Yes,  my  lord,"  replied  he,  "  I  should  think  so,  too, 

if  one  could  live  upon  it  as  well  as  in  it." 

Making  Up  with  Wit  what  He  Lacked  in  Stature 

Dr.  Busby,  whose  figure  was  beneath  the  common 
size,  was  one  day  accosted  in  a  public  coffee-room  by 
an  Irish  baronet  of  colossal  stature,  with  "  May  I  pass 
to  my  seat,  O  giant?" 

When  the  doctor,  politely  making  way,  replied, 
"  Pass,  O  pigmy  !  " 

"  Oh,  sir,"  said  the  baronet,  "  my  expression  alluded 
to  the  size  of  your  intellect.'''' 

"And  my  expression,  sir,"  said  the  doctor,  "to  the 
size  of  yours  y 


JBnQlisb  van  an&  Ibumot  217 

Capturing  a  Deserter  Thirty  Years  After  the 
Offence 

During  the  early  part  of  his  Hfe  Douglas  Jerrold 
was  a  midshipman,  and  once  while  the  commander 
was  absent  two  of  the  men  in  the  midshipman's 
charge,  requested  permission  to  make  some  trifling 
purchase.    The  good-natured  officer  assented,  adding  : 

"  By  the  way,  you  may  as  well  buy  me  some  apples 
and  a  few  pears." 

"All  right,  sir,"  said  the  men  ;   and  they  departed. 

The  captain  presently  returned,  and  still  the  seamen 
were  away  on  their  errand.  They  were  searched  for, 
but  they  could  not  be  found.  They  had  deserted.  Any 
naval  reader  whose  eye  may  wander  over  this  page 
will  readily  imagine  the  disgrace  into  w-hich  Mid- 
shipman Douglas  Jerrold  fell  with  his  captain.  Upon 
the  young  delinquent  the  event  made  a  lasting 
impression,  and  years  after  he  talked  about  it  with 
that  curious  excitement  which  lit  up  his  face  when  he 
spoke  about  anything  he  had  felt.  He  remembered 
even  the  features  of  the  two  deserters ;  as  he  had, 
most  unexpectedly  an  opportunity  of  proving. 

The  midshipman  had  long  put  his  dirk  aside  and 
washed  the  salt  from  his  brave  face.  He  had  become 
a  fighter  with  a  keener  weapon  than  his  dirk  had  ever 
proved,  when,  one  day  strolling  eastward,  possibly 
from  the  office  of  his  owm  newspaper  to  the  printing 
premises  of  Messrs.  Bradbury  &  Evans,  in  Whitefriars, 
he  was  suddenly  struck  with  the  form  and  face  of  a 
baker,  w'ho,  with  his  load  of  bread  at  his  back,  was 
examining  some  object  in  the  window  of  the  surgical- 
instrument  maker  who  puzzles  so  many  inquisitive 
passers-by,  near  the  entrance  to  King's  College. 
There  was  no  mistake.  Even  the  flour  dredge  could 
not  hide  the  fact.  The  ex-midshipman  walked  nimbly 
to  the  baker's  side,  and,  rapping  him  sharply  upon 
the  back,  said  : 

"  I  say,  my  friend,  don't  you  think  you  have  been 
rather  a  long  time  about  that  fruit  ?  " 

The    deserter's    jaw   fell.       Thirty    years    had   not 


218  BnflUsb  Wiit  anD  Ibumor 

calmed  the  unquiet  suggestions  of  his  conscience.     He 
remembered  the  fruit  and  the  little  middy,  for  he  said  : 

"  Lor'  !  is  it  you,  sir  ?  " 

The  midshipman  went  on  his  way,  laughing.      [25] 

Theodore  Hook's  Power  of  Improvisation 

Words  cannot  do  justice  to  Theodore  Hook's  talent 
for  improvisation  ;  it  was  perfectly  wonderful.  He 
was  one  day  sitting  at  the  pianoforte,  singing  an 
extempore  song  as  fluently  as  if  he  had  had  the  words 
and  music  before  him,  when  Moore  happened  to  look 
into  the  room,  and  Hook  instantly  introduced  a  long 
parenthesis, 

"  And  here's  ;\Ir.  Moore, 
Peeping  in  at  the  door,"  etc.      [30] 

Fragmentary  Classical  Fun 
The    characteristics   of     an    epigram    were    once 
most  emphatically  laid  down  thus  : 

"  Omne  epigramma  sit  instar  apis,  sit  aculeus  illi, 
Sint  sua  mella,  sit  et  corporis  exigui  ;  " 
which  have  been  variously  rendered,  thus  : 
"  The  qualities  rare  in  a  bee  that  we  meet, 
In  an  epigram  never  should  fail  : 
The  body  should  always  be  little  and  sweet 
And  a  sling-  should  be  left  in  its  tail ;  " 
or  I 'Iter  still,  perhaps, 

"  An  epigram  should  be,  if  right, 
Short,  simple,  pointed,  keen,  and  bright 

A  lively  little  thing 
Libo  a  wasp  with  taper  body,  bound 
)2y  lines — not  man\- — neat  and  round, 
All  ending  in  a  sling. '^ 


Here  i::  an  epigram  from  Martial's  first  book,  which 
certainly  complies  with  this  rule  : 

"  I  love  thee  not ;  but  why  I  can't  display  ; 
I  love  thee  not,  is  all  that  I  can  say." 


lEn0li6b  Wilt  anO  Ibumor  219 

In  imitation  of  this  epigram,  an  Oxford  wit  wrote 
the  following  on  Dr.  John  Fell,  Bishop  of  Oxford,  who 
died  in  1686  : 

"  I  do  not  love  thee,  Dr.  Fell, 
The  reason  why  I  cannot  tell  ; 
But  this  I'm  sure  I  know  full  well, 
I  do  not  love  thee,  Dr.  Fell." 


Here  is  an  epigram  where,  as  is  not  always  or  often 
the  case,  the  play  on  words  can  be  preserved.  It  is 
translated  by  IVIr.  Theodore  Martin,  and  may  be 
called  : 

Seacri^j' 
Dear  Furius,  you  may  rest  assured 
My  country  house  is  well  secured. 
How  ?     With  good  timber,  stone  and  plaster, 
From  wind,  and  rain,  and  all  disaster  ? 
Ah  no,  but  by  a  certain  skin 
Which  is  encased  in  painted  tin ; 
It  is  secured  for  money  lent 
To  a  curst  son  of  ten-per-cent. 
The  house  was  mortgaged  ! 


Martial  flattered   Domitian  ;  but   Ben  Johnson  out- 
Martialed  Martial. 

To  MartiaVs  Ghost 
Martial,  thou  gav'st  far  nobler  epigrams 
To  thy  Domitian  than  I  to  my  James  ; 
But  in  my  royal  subject  I  pass  thee. 
Thou  flatteredst  thine  ;  mine  cannot  flattered  be  ! 


Here  is  one  of  Martial's  happiest  sketches,  consum- 
mately rendered  by  Addison.     It  is  from  Book  xii.  : 

"  In  all  thy  humors,  whether  grave  or  mellow, 
Thou'rt  such  a  touchy,  testy,  pleasant  fellow  ; 
Hast  so  much  wit,  and  mirth,  and  spleen  about  thee. 
There  is  no  living  with  thee — or  without  thee." 


220  I6ngli3b  Timft  an&  tbumor 

It  is  thought  that  this  epigram  might  have  suggested 
Goldsmith's  sketch  of  Garrick's  character  in  the  epi- 
grammatic poem  "  Retaliation  :  " 

"  Our  Garrick's  a  salad  ;  for  in  him  we  see 
Oil,  vinegar,  sugar,  and  saltness  agree."     [32] 

"  Fast"  Day 

An   eccentric    Dominie,   Matthew  Byles,    seems   to 
have  been   as   inveterate  a  joker  as  Sydney  Smith. 
Upon    a     Fast-day,    Dr.    Byles    had    negotiated     an 
exchange    with    a    country    clergyman.      Upon    the 
appointed   morning  each  of  them — for  vehicles  were 
not    common  then — proceeded    on    horseback    to   his 
respective  place  of  appointment.     Dr.  Byles  no  sooner 
observed    his    brother    clergyman    approaching    at    a 
distance,  than  he  applied  the  whip,  put  his  horse  into 
a  gallop,  and  with   his  canonicals   flying  all   abroad 
passed  his  friend  at  full  nun.    "  IVhaf  is  the  matter?' 
he    exclaimed,    raising    his    hand    in    astonishment 
"  zi'hy  so  fast,  Brother  Byles  ?  "     To  which  the  doctor 
without  slackening  his  speed,  replied  over  his  shoul 
der,  "  //  is  Fast-day  /  "     [i  i] 


m 


